What is divorce like at first?

Throwawaysi1234 · 2023-10-29T04:50:51+00:00

Experiences are different from person to person.

Sometimes there is nothing to fight over or both people hash everything out. Then they get a lawyer that does mutual divorces and represents both parties. They pay $500 and its over in the month.

The other extreme is both people are at each other's throats and the lawyers milk you for every dime you've got and then some forcing you into debt whether that's 10k or 200k

Mean cost of divorce in the US is between 15k-20k

From my own experience:

We both agreed to be "amicable" and then the actual disagreements came out and things got unamicable. Things like figuring out who has the authority to select which school the kid goes to is an example of something that seems like not a big deal until you figure out that the one who gets that power can move 45 minutes away and force a 3 hour commute on you for picking up and dropping off the kids to school each day.

We both had greedy lawyers. Mine just kept doing a bad job and my ex kept revising terms leading to something like 8 settlement revisions. My own legal fees were like 16k. Her lawyer convinced her that she needed to file discovery so she probably spent 7k.

Lawyers do not do half the work you think they do and charge you triple what they ought to. They didn't verify numbers on anything and basically relied on me to develop numbers for everything. They even got it wrong on who was supposed to buy out who from the house or what the premarital value of the house was. They screwed up the child support too. They also kept pushing for me to refinance the house even though I was the only one on the deed and didn't need to. They clearly just wanted to rack up the bills and be done and were too disinterested to figure out what was actually in my best interest. If I'd listened to them if would probably have cost me 25k more in child support, 50k in the new interest rate on my mortgage and 8k in premarital equity. There were other parts where I basically did just get screwed anyways.

Get a therapist, because it's probably going to be some of the worst trauma you've ever experienced. Work out, try to get enough sleep and try to eat right. Confide in friends.

There will be days where you blame everything on your spouse and days where you blame everything in yourself. Neither will be true and it takes a long time to get the perspective on it. Don't expect to understand it down to the last atom because some things you'll just never know and have to learn to be comfortable with that.

Both people will probably tell their friends/family narratives that are deeply self-serving. My ex still hasn't told her family that I filed because she cheated. She just tells them that the divorce was my idea (ironically after a year of her telling them that I was taking advantage of her)

Your spouse will likely rewrite history to say things were bad for a much longer time than they were.

dudefromyork · 2023-10-29T15:38:19+00:00

It’s like the end of Shawshank where he has to crawl the whole way through a shit filled tunnel. But at the end of the tunnel is freedom.

You won’t remember how bad the tunnel was in 2 years time.

Ok-Suit1420 · 2023-10-29T04:29:44+00:00

It’s hell on earth. The only way it seems to go smoothly is if you don’t have a house and kids. Be prepared for the dirtiest fight of your life. And this is coming from someone that calmly talked with his ex prior to legal proceedings and we both agreed to do things amicably.

Ever-learning271 · 2023-10-29T11:53:54+00:00

In America: if you are a man, prepare to get screwed! If you are a woman, prepare to be told the man “owes” you more than you should be entitled to and to lie and exaggerate. Then there is the pain and agony of losing control of all the proceedings because of “the laws”. I will never understand how some men go through this multiple times when I wish I hadn’t ever had to experience it…it changes you! Good Luck❤️‍🩹

No-Exit6560 · 2023-10-29T09:23:58+00:00

I mean, for a lot of us the person we thought we were going to wake up to each morning for the rest of our life is either actively trying to ruin or life now or has already done so.

So, in short buckle the fuck up buckaroo it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.

I had a financial agreement in place etc…so she didn’t actually get to ruin me but that certainly didn’t stop her from trying.

During mediation she made me out to be Satan, fortunately for me I actually had evidence to prove otherwise.

whoisgodiam · 2023-10-29T04:16:03+00:00

If you don’t have a prenup, you are in big trouble. Assets will be taken away, alimony, child custody battles, child support, lawyer fees, and HER lawyer fees as well.

ColSolTigh · 2023-10-29T05:43:41+00:00

It’s wonderful! Feels great. Unicorns greet us when we walk out of our rented basement room each morning.

david10277 · 2023-10-29T14:47:12+00:00

It's a shit show..

Laws take over and you must ride it out. Once it starts it cannot be stopped

Confusion, anger, disappointment, pain

Imagine pulling out each one of your teeth, one by one with no anesthetic, while being on a roller coaster ride , blindfolded and butt naked

Yeah that's what it's like..

techrmd3 · 2023-10-29T12:56:11+00:00

It's like a horse kick in the gut.

Early on you have to decide if you think and act like it is TRULY over. It will go easier for you if you just mentally adjust to over early (I was blessed with this realization early on). If you try to reconcile, you mostly are trying to turn a switch on, that the soon to be ex turned off permanently.

One thing you need to prepare for is the soon to be ex WILL not let that grass grow under her feet. Oh no she will move on quickly and may get a man shacking up with her quickly. You have to mentally prepare for this eventuality. You HAVE to have a support system available to help you.

Mechanics of divorce. Get an Attorney. Get them under retainer. And listen and follow their advice.

Decide if you want to stay in home during divorce. (don't recommend it)

once the filing is in, and the two of you are litigating it's pretty much a process from that point.

Good luck

Signal-Dot2326 · 2023-10-29T14:14:05+00:00

Our relationship had deteriorated so bad and she was such an awful person towards the end to me, that I really really didn't care I was losing her, just concerned about my daughter and financial future. The black hole and black cloud have lifted so much since she has left it's really amazing, I got a new job new friends, I lost 30 pounds and don't really drink anymore. I'm excited to end this nonsense, and move on with my life as a single dad. But that's just my experience.

Weak_Wrap1508 · 2023-10-29T19:09:58+00:00

It's lonely. It's stressful , and it's expensive.

Embarrassed-Safe-670 · 2023-10-29T20:36:07+00:00

I'm 59 and going thru my third divorce. I feel like a total failure.

Old_Rough_4404 · 2023-10-29T17:55:42+00:00

Aren’t you relieved that it’s over though?

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2023-10-29T22:23:59+00:00

A lot of good advice in this thread.

Another one here that started amicably after 23 years of marriage that turned into a shit show of reinterpreting history and mud throwing. My ex appointed a lawyer early and asked for 65%, the only benefit of her going early was that I found a lawyer that knew hers & was senior to hers (but cost more $ 🙄). It knocked me around.

She claimed I’d had affairs with family friends (I had to apologise to mates in case they believed any of the shit) that I was gay and should come out to the kids, that I was living a lifestyle in bars and pubs. It helped that some were text messages and could be used but her lawyers put some in writing.

Meanwhile life was like being in an endless washing machine of emotions and thoughts. I kept fit, I used my time with the kids as both a sanity measure and to have fun, and also to show them what a good parent looks like. I also began having fun externally. The latter was probably a bit soon but I was careful and it was a release.

I settled last week. Still bruised and sceptical given I felt naive throughout the process. Talk to people constantly, your friends, family, therapists, people who have been through it. Lawyers are not for counsellors, use them sparingly and for specific advice & directions only. Everyone will tell you they are the only winners, which is correct.

The light comes, I’m not through it yet, house sales etc to come, but even the prospect of light is enough. Good luck.

dnbndnb · 2023-10-29T22:54:26+00:00

I might be the only answer here that is “okay”. I stayed thru her cheating 21 years before she called it quits. I had total control of assets including some she simply could not account for. I told her she’d get her 50% but if she f*caked with me and listened to her stupid gf’s or thought she’d get more, I’d guarantee she would get far less. In the end she got about 52% , I 48%. I wanted her to feel like a winner. My divorce cost total ~4300.

Otoh her share of the assets was in the 7 figures.

Key-Equal-2429 · 2023-10-30T00:23:21+00:00

I just went through a divorce and I come from the Northern Europe where you normally do not engage lawyers and all the legal parts go very smoothly and quickly. So my experience differs a bit from the other answers. It feels like I am unlovable, doomed to loneliness forever, lost, a failure, and not good enough.

I was the dumpee.

RedFridged · 2023-10-30T02:07:27+00:00

Sorry but it was Glorious for me. Victim or Victorious? You go through it knowing it will end and you’ll be completely free…the world is yours…get out and see it. Life awaits you. Welcome back.

Stonewall6789 · 2023-10-30T05:56:07+00:00

In a divorce, women see a 50/50 split as a loss to them and will try to shoot for 60/40 split in favor of them. For my divorce, I knew it was headed that way 2 years before it was mentioned, so I started to move money around to protect myself. When it came time, her attorney only asked for 2 years worth of financial statements, and most of my money I had transferred over to my sisters individual accounts. I was able to save myself $125k, only thing my now ex got from me was $30k from my 401k, since I used the CARES ACT in 2020 to withdraw the maximum, which was $100k, which left it at $60k. Once the waters settle, my sister will be writing me a check for $125k sometime early 2024. My ex was pissed, they even tried to get access to my siblings financial records, but was denied since my name wasn’t on those accounts. And she was denied spousal support (thank God for Texas).

Red_Patcher_MC · 2023-10-30T09:56:26+00:00

Awful. You’ll blame yourself until you realize it’s both people in the relations

Chart_Greedy · 2023-10-30T18:28:51+00:00

Quiet, thats the first thing i noticed, the house stayed clean, there was no bitching,whinning. I also have more money for hobbies. So pretty much peaceful.

External-Jaguar2127 · 2023-10-30T23:23:13+00:00

I guess coming to this realization I was numb for a couple weeks I couldn’t move and I was sick to my stomach. I have been trying for months to turn things around but nothing worked. Right now I’m still not in a good place every major holiday birthday kills me. I try to fill the void and find some immediate satisfaction in dating. Hopefully this doesn’t blow up in my face.

IcyEntertainment8673 · 2023-11-01T21:44:11+00:00

It’s awkward in the very beginning. There’s a lot of resentment and anger. Then after some time, you find yourself coparenting better and even wonder why it went sour. Then they do something that reminds you why it went sour. After more time, you find yourself again, find others, too.

Wait a year; things are much different after that point.

Title	What is divorce like at first?
Author	Old_Rough_4404
Upvotes	21
Comments	35
Date	October 29, 2023 3:58 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17iusis/what_is_divorce_like_at_first/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-divorce-like-at-first.1236706 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236706

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