What is wrong with some men

FSDivorceCoach · 2025-01-31T15:57:40+00:00

Listen, cheating is absolutely a coward's way out. However, what's the baseline here? What happened in the marriage that created the look to the outside sources? Once the hurt and the anger and the betrayal goes away, you get the sublime opportunity to really look at things and see where it might have gone off the rails.

If you're lucky, after a while, you can actually sit down and talk about what made them stray. Sometimes it's them and their insecurities (most likely), other times it's communication and intimacy issues. Either way, it won't be easy to hear but in order to heal and understand...you need to know how to clean up your side of the street.

The cheater has their shit to deal with and trust me, it's a truck load...but so do you.

Remember, what you focus on, expands. So focus on what you can control. Your behavior, your emotions, your steps forward and whatever that looks like (staying or going), your healing, your self improvement. You control you.

Let them.

Let them figure their shit out. Let them find out if the grass is greener or whatever. Let them place blame. You can only control you. Take time to figure out what you really want and move through the pain and the anger. We are never meant to make our home there. Emotions are passive. Feel them, let them pass through and allow this to make you a better human. Bitterness will only destroy you. ❤️

2025-01-31T05:48:23+00:00

I've never understood this either. Even when I actually was in high school, I still thought doing that was below me. I remember being absolutely crazy about a girl who was dating another guy. We'd hang out as friends and there was one night when I had the chance to do anything else that I wanted with her. One small kiss and I felt like absolute garbage who swore to never do anything with any woman who was involved with another person at all. If horny 17 year old me could have that sort of control, I can't imagine what is going through those guys' heads.

Syyina · 2025-01-28T13:52:53+00:00

Just out of curiosity ... I am aware that members of this subreddit are probably mostly men, and that might partly explain the negative comments about women who cheat. But, considering the original post, what about men who cheat? Aren't they just as bad as women who cheat?

Pro-IDGAF · 2025-01-27T13:20:50+00:00

you not down with OPP?

seriously though, i hold the one in the relationship accountable. the outside party, not as much.

if he’s not gonna bang her, someone else will.

fiddsy · 2025-01-27T11:09:39+00:00

women fk who they want, men fk who they can.

man or woman, cheating is a scum move.

redragtop99 · 2025-01-27T02:37:17+00:00

I def think it would be easier for a woman to find a sexual partner irregardless of whether she’s married or not. So while I blame women for cheating more, it’s tough because there are men out there that couldn’t care less if she’s still married.

One of the first questions I ask any potential date is how long she has been single. If this isn’t a long period of time where there’s no possible way she could get over her ex, I just move on. No sense in being a rebound. I’m not looking for casual sex, so it really matters to me. And the amount of time varies based on how serious the relationship was. If she dated a guy for a few months last year and it didn’t work out, she’s been single for 6 months, I would consider her available. A woman who was married 10 years and is going through a divorce and has been separated 10 months is not. It’s a guessing game and not a science, but you can almost always tell by how often they mention said person. They should have an established daily single routine, be living in a long term situation, etc.

This is just me, as I try to avoid being a rebound as it’s intensely painful falling for someone, doing nothing wrong, and they break up with you because they ran into their exs sister at the grocery store and they need more time.

I was cheated on by my wife after being together 10+ years, she cheated on me w a guy 12 years younger than me and they had a child together.

Dry-Context6619 · 2025-01-27T01:45:45+00:00

I don't agree with cheating....I don't. But that said....I can see why it happens. Once we had the 2 children she needed.... yes... needed... she cut off ALL attention, friendship, love or any other normal relationship behavior you can think of. We are just roommates. I can't bring myself to divorce. I love my kids and yes living alone and going thru all that scares me. I keep to myself for two reasons. I prob am not good enough to be attractive to another person that I find attractive. I feel beaten down and worn out. But I also stay to myself out of fear that I could cheat if I met that person But at the same time.... could I trust them.... anyone for that matter. Especially if I cheated with them.

It's my own prison...I get it. But now I see how cheating can happen. But I still don't condone it. Just saying.

TheNattyJew · 2025-01-27T00:06:45+00:00

The man isn't married to the woman cheater. She is the one involved in the contract, not him. Yes it is questionable morals, but at the end of the day, she is the one that is married not him

Stonewall6789 · 2025-01-26T22:19:22+00:00

This falls on the person who is married. When my now ex cheated, I had a small hunch she was, but when I confirmed, I didn’t blame the guy, he’s not the one who made that vowel, she did.

probebeta · 2025-01-26T20:06:10+00:00

I've been dating recently, enough to be able to see some patterns. Women who are separated or divorced care about their reputation and will not tell you they're cheating. Usually there's some story about some form of abuse, the guy cheated, financial problems, sometimes they'll just tell that hubby wasn't f* her, or theyre just amazing actors. But it's very rare they tell you they are cheating. Considering that women cheat as often as men then this must be true, no?

I guess what I'm saying is that if the guy is being told a story and there's potential to get laid its more appealing for him to look the other way than do the due diligence to see if the story is real. Quite frankly these are guys with not many options. If I had a choice between a single mom with 3 kids and a young one with no kids and trauma guess which one I'd pick.

CharlesDanceFan · 2025-01-26T19:44:45+00:00

AP moved in on my wife knowing full well she was married. He’s a scumbag

However I’m genuinely glad he took her off my hands. She’s not right in the head. He did me a massive favour in a sick sort of way.

Short term pain for long term gain and all that jazz

Smoovie32 · 2025-01-26T19:36:12+00:00

Agree, the cheating spouse owns their actions. But there is an accountability for the AP that knows there is a spouse, kids, and shared household they are destroying. Sometimes a bit of reciprocal pain is needed to help instruct them in the lesson of life. What form that pain takes is up to you, but I have already planned out through the parenting plan demands and research into AP what I will do once everything is finalized. Channeling that revenge energy is an excellent motivator and provides clarity in decision making.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-01-26T18:20:15+00:00

These are not men. They are boys. They never matured emotionally. I'd say the vast majority of that is due to having no real father figure or male mentor growing up to teach them values, the bro code, and how to value yourself.

These boys lack the ability to self validate or control themselves or their emotions. It is the same with guys who are unable to be single for any length of time. They need constant external validation becuase they dislike themselves so much they are unable to validate themselves and exist alone. These are your cheaters, white knights, simps, good guys etc.

I'd say a good 75% of modern men in the western world fall into this category unfortunately.

Longjumping-Cup-4018 · 2025-01-26T17:53:20+00:00

I'm just wondering, how many of those APs actually know that those cheaters are actually married or they have been told that the cheater was in abusive relationship

Reflog1791 · 2025-01-26T16:57:21+00:00

The cheater lied to the AP about you and the relationship. They usually tell the AP that they are separated. Sometimes they tell the AP that you are abusive. It makes perfect sense to the AP at the time.

Some evil caricature destroying marriages for thrills is out there sure. Vast majority of the time the cheater just lies about you and the relationship though.

Legitimate-Corgi · 2025-01-26T16:53:03+00:00

If they want to go fuck around they will. You turning them down isn’t gonna magically save their marriage they’ll just find someone else. Why not get what you want. The blame is all on them as the married person. Actively pursuing someone married is a dick move but if they’re chasing you may as well take it. Just remember if they’ll cheat with you they’ll cheat on you.

Other thing to remember is they’re probably getting fed a whole storyline of how terrible it is or they’re about to leave or whatever she has to say to make the guy ok with it.

EvalCrux · 2025-01-26T16:07:33+00:00

Family law doesn’t care about cheating - no fault divorces. Marriage is a nonsense contract w the state these days, not biology.

Your post reeks of traditional lock-in and bias.

Get up with the times.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2025-01-26T16:07:12+00:00

unless they pursued a married woman intentionally it is 100% on the partner that is cheating. you dont know a lot of things about them like if they know she was married or what the cheating partner told them about the relationship. married woman are not worth the risk for me but i also dont see the point of putting moral blame on AP unless they pursued it

fromcradletoglaive · 2025-01-26T16:03:07+00:00

I think I agree with the idea that the AP places as much respect on the relationship as your partner does. They will also see you in whatever light you are presented. Neither of which are things are you can comtrol.

gaelorian · 2025-01-26T15:51:28+00:00

Yeah, a man that pursues a married woman is vile. Absolute scum without any semblance of a moral compass. This doesn’t minimize the woman’s role but it takes two pieces of shit to make that sandwich.

EuronextEmperor · 2025-01-26T14:33:45+00:00

Yeah, personally there are girls i'm interested in, but i've asked for divorce before doing anything with them. I still respect my stbxw

ConfusedKindness · 2025-01-26T12:37:42+00:00

Thank you for calling that out! I have not suffered the affront of infidelity, and don’t wish that upon anyone.

Reproduction is the purpose of life, biologically; the brains & morals modulate that and reclassify reproduction as “a fun thing to do”. Persons without brains or morals really mess up at the moment that they break promises. Not when coitus happens. What hurts is the broken promises, the “we got together under these assumptions” that goes down the drain.

Men, women, whatever in between and outside that, i don’t care. Have all the sex you want with anyone you want, it’s a healthy activity physically and emotionally… but don’t break promises. That’s what the sex gatekeeper says in my own mind. Don’t hurt more than the pleasure you give.

Gattsama · 2025-01-26T12:34:41+00:00

You are looking at things from the wrong POV. The AP isn't thinking about the spouse, kids, family, etc. Because they are NOT part of that group. They are often not desperate for sex and 'willing to destroy a family's to get it. They are just people moving through the world taking care of themselves.

From their POV, the cheater doesn't respect their relationship, so why should / would they? Some people don't want a relationship, and being the AP means this person won't want one either but could be used for worry free sex.

Ultimately, it's the cheaters job to protect the relationship. The AP is largely indifferent. Let me put things into a different model. You bought food at a take out restaurant. As you leave, you see a homeless person on the street. Do you give them your food? 99.9%+ of us would say no. It's not my job, it's not my responsibility, and I am NOT being selfish by choosing to keep my food for me.

That's the AP. And to be honest, that's often the cheater too.

Title	What is wrong with some men
Author	asambique
Upvotes	44
Comments	46
Date	January 26, 2025 11:19 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1iac1wo/what_is_wrong_with_some_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-wrong-with-some-men.1542206 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542206

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