Advice needed: Setting boundaries on an engagement/marriage timeline.

2020-08-03T18:10:30+00:00

This is the beauty behind not sleeping with or cohabitating with men before marriage. They can’t reap complete benefits (sex any time they want it, not being able to date other people because you live together, cooking for them, cleaning for them, paying half the bills) while we beg for commitment, like fools. You remain in complete control.

If he doesn’t want to get married in a timeline you’re comfortable with, simply tell him you both need to see other people and dump him. (Another major reason NOT to cohabitate before marriage. Breakups are harder.)

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Why devote your youth and energy to a guy that thinks it’s cool to brag about making a woman wait four years for a marriage commitment?

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-08-03T18:56:13+00:00

How old are you? Because if you’re in your late 20s/30s he should know before three years if he wants to marry you. If you’re early 20s, I think this relaxes some because you’re still growing as people and there is still some self discovery and seeing if you’re maturing down the same path or different ones. I am a firm believer tho that men normally know fairly soon whether they’re in or not, don’t let him being a HVM and “everyone loving you together” keep you caught up in whether he’s actually the HVM for you

reina_nova · 2020-08-03T18:13:33+00:00

Why does he have to wait three years? Imo, a man should propose to a woman 1-1.5 years into the relationship. Men know whether they will marry you or not in a few weeks/months.

I truly hate to say this, but I want to warn you that his three-year timeline suggests he isn't sure about you. Why would a supposed HVM string a woman along for THREE years before he'd even "think" about buying a ring? That's BS.

Although you can try having a discussion about the timeline, keep in mind his three-year timeline is already a red flag. In regards to your last question, you should definitely dump him if he cannot agree to your timeline. If he is serious about you and terrified of losing you, he will understand.

blackpatchouli · 2020-08-03T18:14:23+00:00

18 months is the Golden time, you’re right.

This is delicate because while it is important to communicate your marriage standards, pleaseeeee be careful about getting caught up in what you’re friends are doing. I think it’s an subconscious thing I’ve seen a lot of women do (just my personal observation) When one of their friends gets pregnant or married everyone starts low key feeling some type of way and gets anxious about it.

One thing I’ve learned about relationships are that words are both valuable and cheap.

Valuable words from him: he doesn’t see himself getting married before 3 years. This is a valuable piece of info because he is telling you his truth.

Another valuable thing you should say is actually I believe the right relationship will reveal itself in two to two and a half years.

Words that are not valuable: Him immediately acquiescing to you and saying OKAY 2 years it is!!

Tell him so he knows. Ultimately you cannot talk a man into wanting to get married before he’s ready or if he doesn’t want to. I agree you should definitely bring up your boundaries but only once!! Be firm and as confident as he was when he said 3 years.

But don’t badger or look like you’re looking for his approval or his agreement. This should help you remember that you are single until you’re married. And he might easily and sincerely respond to you by saying “hey that makes sense! When you know you know” but he could just as easily laugh in your face and say “couldn’t be me”. He could also pretend to agree and use the info to string you along.

Say it, but only to communicate your truth. Don’t say it with the expectation that he will change even if he says so. A man can promise you the world in 18 months, promise he will marry you, then dip on the 19th month. Words are cheap. Watch him and figure out if he’s worth the wait.

Always keep your options open.

MakeURegret · 2020-08-03T18:27:12+00:00

You don’t want to be begging for a ring. You don’t want to be a forever gf. Compromises will lead to you being strung along as a forever gf.

First it’s “I need 3 years,” then it’s “I need to save for the ring,” then it’s “I need to get a house first,” then it’s: “I’m sorry work is just so crazy right now,” then it’s: “well you know so and so just got a divorce, now is not a good time,” etc.

If he had a shot with beyonce do you think he’d wait 3 years to put a ring on her finger?

He wouldn’t wait 3 years with his dreamgirl.

I wouldn’t explain, I’d just leave at this point. Even if he agrees to move it up to 18 months you’re going to be so on edge waiting for it. And you’ll need to be prepared to walk at the first excuse, else risk wasting more and more time waiting.

You’ll be waiting when you could be meeting men who would jump at the thought of getting engaged to you.

Pahapan · 2020-08-03T18:42:22+00:00

I have trouble reconciling the concept of a man who said it'll be a good 3 years before he'd even think about buying a ring as being a HVM. It doesn't take 3+ years to get to know a woman. Talk to some of the married HVM you know in your life and most of them will tell you that they knew within a month (if not less) that they were dating the girl they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. tbh, if a guy drags out getting engaged and getting married it's because somewhere in his mind, even subconsciously, he thinks he might be able to do better. This is an indication that he doesn't actually love you. Men in love want to commit. Men in love want to LOCK YOU DOWN because losing you would be the worst thing that could happen to them.

That you even have to have a conversation with him about this is a red flag. If he doesn't agree then yes, I do think you should walk away. But even if he does agree, tread carefully. Some LVM can pass themselves off as HVM for significant amounts of time and they'll superficially mirror your wants and desires to keep stringing you along.

VikingPug · 2020-08-03T18:58:32+00:00

He’s already given you his answer. It would be foolish to keep trying to sway him to how you feel. With men, words don’t work as well as action. You should walk away if marriage within a certain timeframe is extremely important to you. And don’t lie to yourself to keep him. Be true to your desires.

saxophonepax · 2020-08-03T19:45:17+00:00

HVM after 7months? Making that assessment takes longer than that. But tbh I would tell him what you want (18months) then keep your options open, date others and don't live with him. He's fine to do what he wants in his timeline but so are you. Don't tie yourself down out of fear for being the single unmarried one in your friend group.

ninetiesbaby16 · 2020-08-03T21:04:07+00:00

Just tell him you’re way too pretty to wait 3 years for the mere possibility of an engagement 💅🏻 Then dump him lol

xoladybugxo · 2020-08-03T18:06:51+00:00

Just wanted to say 4 months seems wayyyyy to soon to me. I think if you’re talking about marriage you should let him know, but only once. If he understands it’s important to you and he wants to keep you, he will. Do not potentially waste years bc you are not wanting to be pushy!!! Maybe this is a deal-breaker conversation. Decide if you are ready for that

TheFirstArticle · 2020-08-03T20:13:46+00:00

I have a biological timeline that isn't amenable to your convenience.

What are you going to do about that?

He already knows this, and his answer will be self-serving. That is an answer.

heliodrome · 2020-08-03T21:01:55+00:00

I once dated a man that I moved in with after dating a year, in 2012, after six months of living together I brought up marriage and after a big fight and a lot of back and forth he agreed to maybe get married in 2016. I stuck around until the end of 2014, and broke up with him and moved out. It was a rough time for me, all the moving out, etc. a week later he showed up with a ring that I refused. Still this year, 2020 he was bugging me to meet up during the pandemic. I finally had to tell him off. Although all my dreams were shattered and my time was wasted, I cannot imagine how miserable I would have been in a relationship with him. I wish I had brought the marriage thing up much sooner. I think 4 months is a perfect time to at least bring it up and explain that you would like to be engaged by the summer of 2021 and with a wedding set for early summer 2022. If he even sneezes at this, you know where you stand.

powerline2500 · 2020-08-03T21:07:44+00:00

2 years. From first meeting to marriage is a good timeline. 1 year to get engaged. People who need more time are wasting your time.

Moonxtal · 2020-08-03T18:09:44+00:00

4 months is crazy fast, I prefer around 1.5-2 years. That's 2 birthdays, 2 christmas, 2 summers, 2 valentines days etc. I feel that's enough time to get to know someone. 1st v-day he may go all out but by the 2nd he'll be very comfortable and you can judge if he's slipped by then...you know? But every one is different.

hapahunnie · 2020-08-03T20:58:09+00:00

I tell them if there’s no discussion about engagement/ring at the 2 year mark I’m out. It’s not an ultimatum to let someone know that you’re attractive, intelligent, and HV and that you can’t be with someone too blind to appreciate it. Better to leave when you still respect each other than twiddle your thumbs waiting for a ring.

venomous_g · 2020-08-03T21:25:07+00:00

18 months sounds reasonable... and most importantly, it is what YOU want. He doesn't have to be the one you marry, so you don't have to wait around for him to be ready. Maybe he is a great guy, but if he isn't on the same page with the big things like marriage, he's not it for you.

AntWillFortune15 · 2020-08-04T18:09:47+00:00

This makes me think of my older brother and his girlfriend. My family and I always ask him when he’ll propose to her. He’s always pushing the timeline back. Now it’s after she finishes school. She’s in school for astrophysics and is going for a PhD so she’s really smart. She’s also really kind and we consider her apart of our family already. She’s even transferring to a university in our city to be with my brother.

He did cheat on her in the past (smh was following in our dad’s footsteps). His mom was so heated, that she drove 3 hours to the city he was in (he was in college then) to yell at him and help him make things right with her lmao. I just don’t think my brother is really willing to commit to this girl.

So yeah, moral of the story is, don’t be that girl. 🚪🏃‍♀️

plummyjellyfish · 2020-08-04T10:26:46+00:00

My policy was to get married a year after dating. When I met my fiance I told him a month or so into dating that in 12 months I was going to ask him to marry me, and if he said yes, fantastic, but if he said no, I'd be gone (I proposed to him, personally I wanted to go after the things I wanted). He was totally fine with it and actually said to me that he already thought of me as his wife/fiance 6months in, I put it on the table early on and it was something we spoke about openly.

3 years of dating to "consider" marriage is way too long. You could get a degree in that time in some countries, work your way up the career ladder, or would you prefer to get jerked around by a guy who is probably STILL going to be on the fence at that time? Luckily, you have now had this conversation and you know what his score is (he's ambivalent at this stage about it), so you have 100% control over what to do next.

RiteWriter · 2020-08-03T20:14:14+00:00

I hope it’s okay to hop on this post, but I had an interesting resolution on this topic come to me that I want feedback on. If I were to meet a HVM that I would be interested in the long term with, I would want to see if a potential mask would fall during co-habitation before marriage. I would at least want to see their habits more in-depth. So my thought would be that I would agree to live with someone only if they proposed and we had a set time frame (maybe a year; the length of most leases) to seal it in mind. I would leave if that date approached and nothing happened. Girlfriend benefits would remain limited with no wife benefits.

sisterofnarcissus · 2020-08-03T18:37:39+00:00

A year is too soon. To me two years is too soon. You gotta get to know what is your PERSONAL boundary, what is too much or not enough. Is it a year? Two? Five?

2020-09-07T04:57:46+00:00

I do not think you have a healthy comparison. 4 months is absurd. She can’t know he is HV in that short of a time. In 7 months has he really been there for you during any hard times? It seems like you are already sold on this guy and are 2 years and 5 months ahead of him. And that’s just when he said he will even begin thinking about a ring not even when he would propose. I do take his comments VERY seriously because you are already dating for 7 months. It’s not like he is saying this when you just met. I think he either doesn’t know that you are the one which he should in 7 months or is immature and needs many more years before marriage as he said. Either way it’s a dealbreaker. I think 18 months is reasonable and he is not going to get there on his own without your pressure. Why would you keep dating him now though? He has told you his timeframe, why waste another 11 months? You don’t want to have to do an ultimatum!! You should exit the relationship now and find a man who is more on your timeframe. Although, it maybe faster to stick with him and wait the 3 years over finding someone new. Ultimately you need to decide if you love him or the idea of getting married in 18 months more. Also consider that there are other red flags he doesn’t see you as the one. I am suspicious of him.

pyre10 · 2020-08-04T01:29:39+00:00

I’m in that stage where I’m waiting for a proposal, any day now. If it doesn’t happen within 6 months, I’ll break up with him. But I know it will - because he would do anything to keep me. When I met him 1.5 years ago, he said he would never get married again in his life. We dated for 2 months, long distance for 1 year, and living together for 4 months. My point is, it was one of his firmest conviction not to get married, and he threw that out the window because he loves me and wants to be with me.

Title	Advice needed: Setting boundaries on an engagement/marriage timeline.
Author	blackpatchouli
Upvotes	60
Comments	68
Date	August 3, 2020 6:01 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i31zk7/advice_needed_setting_boundaries_on_an/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/advice-needed-setting-boundaries-on-an.721116 https://theredarchive.com/post/721116

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