Do Pickmes imitate their boyfriends?

Aocwannabe · 2021-12-09T13:24:57+00:00

[permanently deleted]

discoveringliberty · 2021-12-09T13:23:08+00:00

In my experience they often do. I think it's part of the Cool Girl character, they want to mirror his interests, opinions, hobbies, etc. in an attempt to gain his approval.

PossibleCook · 2021-12-09T13:28:18+00:00

I haven’t experienced abuse from a pick me but I know what your talking about. I’ve noticed they tend to pickup whatever “personality” traits their LVM have. A former friend of mine has devoted herself to essentially being her bfs mini-me. She now shares the exact same taste in music, shares all his political beliefs, and at one point she was even dressing in the “girl” version of his outfits. It’s honestly disturbing.

I think it all just comes from how insecure pickmes are. They don’t believe they’re actually worthy of love so not only do they settle but they’ll try to mold them selfs into what they think they’re partner will like

gingerandlime · 2021-12-09T15:59:43+00:00

I’m pretty sure this is what has happened to my longest friendship. She spent ten years being cut down by her ex, then immediately leapt into another completely messed up relationship. I realized recently that she does not treat me with respect or empathy like other friends of mine do, she treats me with condescension and in potentially narcissistic ways when I open up about real struggles in my life. She wasn’t raised that way, she didn’t treat me that way before her ex was in her life. She’s been an important friend to me, but the peace I feel from not being in touch with her and always feeling like there’s some criticism or scorn ready to come at me is… it’s amazing.

ceramicunicorn · 2021-12-09T16:46:27+00:00

Girl, from CHILDHOOD. When I was 11, I wouldn’t date this scrotelet (yeah I get to dunk on a child because I was one too), so he went for my best friend. He was a nasty little kid, and made pointed efforts to get in between our friendship specifically because it was so tight (although he did it to a lesser degree with other friendships she had). Little passive aggressive things like when we were talking he’d physically insert himself between us. He’d target me in dodgeball. She’d just laugh. When I defended myself, she’d get dramatic and claim I was attacking him. Part of it was possessiveness and part of it was revenge via taking my friend away, for rejecting him.

This behavior starts early, and not everyone matures out of it. They broke up, but she never grew out of this. If she dated someone who liked me, we were good. If not, she just followed his lead. No one was quite as bad as that kid, but she dated a lot of losers who would shame me for not doing this or that sexual thing with their friend or not smoking cigs or whatever, and she’d follow his lead to be a cool girl.

By college, I distanced myself. I didn’t need to be jerked around with our friendship being determined by whichever penis was in the picture. Sadly, she ended up dying (as did her stepson) in her 20s from her LVM husband’s negligence with a generator too close to the house.

Determinedblonde · 2021-12-09T16:10:58+00:00

This explains a lot of the women I met when I tried different working environments. I sensed they weren’t happy in their personal lives and if they spoke about their partners (which they rarely did) it was usually to convey that they were a little unhappy, but to be so subtle that you couldn’t quite say anything.

MissouriBlue · 2021-12-09T19:39:23+00:00

Coming out of a six year relationship with what ended up a Covert Narcissist, I can confirm this.

I am kind and empathetic and a giving person. (That’s why I was targeted by him.)

Now that I’ve gotten him out of my life, I can see little “Narcissistic Fleas” that I’ve picked up.

I’m working on them. :-/

You are the sum total of the five people you are the closest to, or so the saying goes. So if you’re isolated and manipulated to where you only have one input? Then that is what you’ll adapt to and absorb.

Survival Instinct makes us try to fit in with the tribe around us. Being a part of the community gave us a better chance for survival. So we tend to adapt to our community… even if it is a community of one, and toxic.

Edit to add: That’s why my tribe is now FDS! The Queens around me are what I come to learn from…

SunflowerinVirgo0903 · 2021-12-09T16:06:26+00:00

I have even seen them start dressing like their man.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-09T20:57:34+00:00

Women with high empathy (survival instinct hypervigilance) and low boundaries are great targets for true Narcissists. They're completely porous and he can easily insert his reality into her. She absorbs everything. It's complete brainwashing. He hates women, she learns to hate women.

It's why they keep going back. They feel empty without him, because they usually are a shell of a person, waiting to be filled with thoughts, ideas, values and goals by someone with a stronger sense of self. Even if that self is evil.

But deep down, she knows she's under his boot, and the only way she can lash out is to a softer target. She knows not to attack the male, because narc rages are terrifying.

Erocitnam · 2021-12-09T17:32:14+00:00

People imitate whoever they spend time with, I think

fireforestfairy · 2021-12-09T17:38:26+00:00

Some of them become interested in whatever their boyfriends like to increase the chemistry between between. And yes, some of them do become misogynistic due to internalised misogyny.

SayNad · 2021-12-09T19:55:46+00:00

It is like voluntarily living on a toxic wasteland - eventually they themselves will become toxic. They become the environment they live in.

I observe there's two big type of pickmeism - the chronic people pleaser, and the selfish narcissists who live and breathe male validation.

It is the latter type that tend to be aggresive and combative with other women - the one that will find even the way you breathe is wrong and do the backstabbing smear campaign against every women they hate (which means most if not all women really - they hate that other women exist, meaning they won't get all the attention to themselves).

And this latter type is the one that imitate the bad behaviors of men the most - because they see how other women tolerate men's shittiness and face no consequences - so they expect that same treatment from other women to them.

This type create chaos and endless drama everywhere they go.

scooter_se · 2021-12-09T22:04:50+00:00

I think it’s a maladaptive defense mechanism and a way to convince themselves that they aren’t being abused. They get manipulated into believing they are loved in a healthy relationship and it’s easier to attempt to manipulate concerned onlookers than to confront the truly dire situation they’ve found themselves in. Their behavior is not okay, but damn it if my heart doesn’t break for these women.

sequinpig · 2021-12-09T18:34:50+00:00

This happened with a female narc co worker and her husband (who surprise, was on her payroll, so creepy!) He was formerly and generally known as a chill and kind guy but would flash out anger and bullying just like she did, or in support of her. I even saw him kick their dogs and he’s 6’4” so not like a casual foot shove. They have 2 kids now and lord … I feel for them!

lolmemberberries · 2021-12-10T00:51:06+00:00

Could be narcissistic fleas.

londochig · 2021-12-10T01:56:12+00:00

People who are in relationships with narcs exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder. My ex-narc did that to me. It's was a total mind £uk. He started a massive argument over me saying I liked my nails after I got them done. Another time he started a massive fight over me saying I was worried about my job prospects and I should probably start looking for other jobs. He belittled me saying that they are more important things to worry about in the world. And basically told me I was a s**** human being for being worried about such minor stupid things. Other people had much bigger things to worry about. He had just visited a friend whose supposed father was very sick and possibly on his deathbed. I had no clue about his friend's sick father. Of course Pickmeisha me tried to apologize and comfort him even though I had no idea what his friend's sick father had to do with my comment about my job prospects. I empathized with the situation. Despite my Pickmeisha apologies He proceeded to kick me out of his car and I walked half a mile back home in the dark with my work laptop. When I was almost at my apartment door he pulled up next to me and began to berate me. I cried and ran inside. The next day he begged for my forgiveness. He had my favourite food delivered to work for lunch. I took it and still didn't respond. He kept making grand gestures crying and promising that he would change till I gave him another chance. Then the cycle started all over again. His paranoia that everyone was bad, transactional and out to use him rubbed off on me. The intermittent good and bad treatment made me trauma bond. I would not say I was mean to anyone. But I got the idea that most people have bad intentions which is not true.

womaninprogressfor7 · 2021-12-09T15:50:01+00:00

Two things to watch out for:

Narcissists often tell on themselves. They will accuse others of various behaviors out of the blue but in reality the idea only occurs to them because they have done it themselves. If they know they are a Narc (some have diagnosed personality disorders...) they may start accusing others of it. Example 1: My ex who has an official diagnosis calls me a narcissist when I don't go out of my way to satisfy demands regarding child custody. Example2: My ex accused me of cheating before our separation. I wasn't. But he was.
Yes, co dependents in relationships with narcissist abusers WILL imitate them. They often have dishonest traits that appear narcissistic but these are in reaction to abuse and they use them as a tool to hide their perceived wrongdoings from the abuser. It is people pleasing of a type.

bellinibabie · 2021-12-09T13:37:31+00:00

I cannot stand to be around my boyfriend’s brother and his partner for this reason. Love them in theory, but can’t stand to be in the same room as them. I’m sure she’s a lovely person on her own, but I’ve only ever interacted with her when she’s with him, and she’ll mimic all of his worst traits. If you ask either of them a question or start a conversation, they’ll basically turn to each other and talk about it amongst themselves, excluding you from your own conversation, and I KNOW she gets it from him. Drives me up the wall.

OldWestStyle · 2021-12-09T14:08:00+00:00

I definitely took on a lot of negative aspects from my ex-husbands personality. It wasn't intentional or something I was trying to do to make him love me more. It was just a natural response to being around someone for 10 years straight. You pick up on their mannerisms and you get into a pattern of interacting with a person in a certain way and that spills over into your relationships with other people in your life.

My ex was constantly in a state of agitation or being riled up or complaining about something. Everything to him was a huge deal and he had very little emotional regulation. I became more like that over time. My stress and anxiety grew, I'd get really invested in things that had zero bearing on my life, I cussed a lot more.

I had no idea this was happening. I knew I was in a shitty marriage but I didn't know it was affecting my entire personality, because it's so gradual and becomes your new normal.

It only took a few weeks after getting divorced that people (multiple people both family, friends and colleagues) told me I seemed more relaxed. That I seemed happier. And I get a ton of compliments on my appearance now! I have done nothing different in that regard. The other day I rolled out of bed and went straight to the farm market. I thought "dang I look a little rough but oh well" and a friend there said "you look really great today!". I was shocked and amused but then I thought, you know what I do look great because I feel great and it shows.

Literally every bad thing in my life and negative aspect of myself was because I was in a shitty relationship.

bullshitextinguisher · 2021-12-09T12:26:24+00:00

Doesn’t matter why she does it, if her behavior is unacceptable, you go cold and limit all interactions. Do not reveal any sensitive information about yourself to her ever again.

OutspokenPerson · 2021-12-09T16:51:28+00:00

That sounds like narcissistic fleas. I hope she finds her way out. It can take a long time to get rid of the fleas though. NVMs do a number on everyone.

Grey rock is a good strategy if you must work with her and can’t readily move to a different company or position.

animal_girl79 · 2021-12-09T16:02:46+00:00

I really feel this. I lately have been thinking about how being with my ex made me a worse person. I am really happy that I get a chance to be myself again.

Severe_Driver3461 · 2021-12-10T00:06:11+00:00

It feels to me that imitation is true for some, but for some others it’s caring a lot about looking good to men (more than average Pickme), so the gender they use as their emotional punching bag is women.

Title	Do Pickmes imitate their boyfriends?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	258
Comments	34
Date	December 9, 2021 12:07 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rcgbww/do_pickmes_imitate_their_boyfriends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/do-pickmes-imitate-their-boyfriends.1212630 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212630

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