How to forgive yourself for consenting to an abusive sex? (potential trigger warning)

scorchedsouI · 2021-10-29T10:35:26+00:00

Accept that you're not at fault. This society made by men deliberately misinforms and misguides women, and goes out of its way to ensure that they are meek and confused and mentally vulnerable.

Instead, you should be proud of yourself for breaking out of this mindset and becoming more true to yourself to the point that you feel entitled to better treatment and respect. A lot of women never accomplish such a thing. Accept the past for what it is and be proud of the progress you've made and reject these negative feelings you have for yourself. Forgiving and appreciating who you are is the only way to progress even further.

shedipity · 2021-10-29T11:58:30+00:00

It’s not your fault, you were manipulated and pressured into sex with these guys. Society has also brainwashed you to think that it is normal to be treated that way. You are NOT the same person as you were back then, you would never deal with that now because you know your worth!! This is a reflection of THEM, not you. Every time a cringy memory surfaces, remind yourself that you forgive yourself and you are so much stronger now. Think about how far you’ve come and be proud 💕 none of us here judge you, many of us have been through the same thing

discoveringliberty · 2021-10-29T12:03:33+00:00

If he could see you were in pain he should have stopped. Consent needs to be enthusiastic, illiciting a 'yes' from you at the beginning and using that as an excuse to physically harm you is vile. Don't put the blame on yourself for his actions, he knew what he was doing.

I sympathise with you deeply and I'm sure a lot of women on FDS do, like other posters have said, we are brainwashed into believing that being treated this way is normal. Please have grace for yourself, look at how far you have come. I know therapy isn't an option for everyone and there are issues with pickmeisha therapists, but it still may be something to consider if you have the resources

FuckSakez · 2021-10-29T13:14:45+00:00

Most men ‘don’t know’ any rapists because if they had to reflect they would likely find themselves in that category. Most women have been or know a woman that’s been assaulted. Verbal consent to sex does not mean he had a free pass to roughly assault you. Consent is ongoing. If it’s not a hell yeah-it’s a nope or a stop to events. I am so sorry. It’s a reflection of his poor character and lack of humanity, not yours. The shame is his. We’re conditioned from birth to be grateful for male attention. To play nice and say nothing to keep the peace. To let them have the upper hand to be more comfortable.

Stop shrinking yourself to be more digestible-let them choke.

I highly recommend therapy to free yourself from this rumination and shame if you have the means to do so.

Sending you a big hug!

ello-motto · 2021-10-29T10:12:12+00:00

Firstly, you are NOT at fault.

This is why us women at FDS are so passionate about criticizing messages that have been brainwashed into us by Hollywood, Netflix, the music industry, porn culture, hook-up culture and the LVM male gaze dominated internet culture.

The entire world is making money brainwashing young girls who just want to be in loving relationships, to get into situations like this. This was NOT your fault, this is the years of conditioning that patriarchy, misogyny, hook-up culture has brainwashed young girls and women into.

You didn't know any better at the time, but you're here now. There is nothing to be ashamed about if you didn't know any better, and when society was trying to brainwash you into thinking it was ok.

Keep healing, keep setting new boundaries, and keep your mind focused on your growth and future you. The old you doesn't exist anymore. You get to decide who you want to be every single second of the day. Be proud that you grew and woke up from an era of your life that a lot of people are still stuck in. Don't diminish or overlook how much you've grown and moved past it!

shutup201 · 2021-10-29T12:57:12+00:00

I hate that you experienced this. I, too, am trying to recover from being taken advantaged of while in a vulnerable mental state. It's tough but I believe it can be done. As everyone else has stated (FDS is so bomb for this), this is not your fault. You were literally targeted and manipulated probably because of your lack of experience. It's something to learn from (the tactics bad people use and how to better protect yourself going forward) but it shouldn't be carried like it's your fault. Best wishes forgiving yourself. I think it will always be something that bothers you but hopefully as time moves on, you will learn to minimize the impact it has on you.

One thing though, I hate how we often blame ourselves so much for these rotten experiences. I wish thoughts were logged because I'm certain guys know when they are hurting and manipulating women into activity that will cause them damage. Sure, if you happily jump off of a building, it's your fault, but if someone recognizes that you're mentally vulnerable, have weak boundaries, don't know any better, etc and pretend to be a friend to gain your trust and then persuade you to jump off of a building...well that's a bit of a different evil story. I wish the law took more of that into consideration. Actually, a women was convicted for convincing a guy to commit suicide, but women deal with this all of the time for sex and the guys aren't even blamed for their part let alone convicted of a crime. It's criminal what women have to deal with.

All this trauma for bad ass sex (abuse really).

TeamWaddles · 2021-10-29T12:58:39+00:00

You are NOT at fault. He knew what awful shit he was doing. The part that enrages me the most is that these monsters hide under the social shield of misogyny and generalized ignorance about consent. You can’t consent if someone is manipulating or pressuring you or if they are abusive.

I hope that in the years to come all women wake up to this. Is inaceptable. Every single one of us knows a sister that has gone through a situation like this (or have lived it ourselves) and society still gaslights us to tone down how serious this is.

You are so strong to have woken up and becoming a better version of yourself, never forget it!

Nonsluttymen · 2021-10-29T13:57:34+00:00

Have some compassion for your younger and more naive self for buying patriarchal brainwashing that only male sexuality matters and that women’s role is just to be desired by men.

I don’t blame you at all. I think a lot of us have been there, giving the ugly guy a chance because of our negative state of mind. At least now you know better, that a man needs to appeal to you in more ways than one to deserve that kind of attention from you. Keep healing.

PenneyPence · 2021-10-29T14:32:33+00:00

You’ve gotten so much great advice here. I just want to add that it is ok to stop and just feel terrible sometimes. That doesn’t mean that you can’t forgive yourself. That means you had a traumatic experience and that you are still healing from it. The memories are going to occasionally surface and it is ok to just stop and cry, to let the shame wash over you, to just mourn the person you used to be. Have compassion for that person you used to be and have gratitude for who you have become. Know that you are breaking the cycle and that this post is saving so many women from the same experience.

Keepers12345 · 2021-10-29T16:33:55+00:00

Realizing that those experiences were due to being sexual assaulted, abused, and/or coerced (had a few unfortunately, which isn't uncommon) helped me cross the bridge from, "Why did I do that? I shouldn't have done that" to "I'm okay. I was vulnerable. He shouldn't have done that. How dare he do that?!"

Telling my psychologist helped me relieve my guilty feelings, because not every friend, family member, let alone confidant is able to offer a compassionate, validating, and understanding response.

<3

throwawaynevermindit · 2021-10-29T17:37:33+00:00

If the damage was so bad that your obgyn asked if it was rape.... ma'am whatever went down there was not ethical for that man to do. A "yes" that is not enthusiastic or that takes pressure and convincing to elicit is NOT "consent. " Ignoring a sexual partner's pain is never acceptable. He should be feeling the weight of the guilt, NOT you.

You were sexually abused. It was traumatic both physically and mentally. You have to accept the truth of the wound to treat it successfully.

Be easy with yourself. Blame the person who deserves to be blamed (him). Learn to stand up for yourself and uphold your own boundaries more effectively, sure - but do it to keep yourself safe in the future, do it for your own benefit... don't do it out of shame, what he did is on him.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-10-29T18:19:22+00:00

I don’t see why you aren’t more disgusted with the man who did the harm to you. You have no reason to be angry with yourself but I see where you’re coming from even if it’s undeserved pain you’re putting yourself through. Be kind to yourself and know you deserve WAY better. It takes time but you deserve the best! And I’m SO sorry for what you’ve gone through! Your Gynosaur had the right idea even though you did consent to it. Any man willing to put a woman through pain like that is trash.

Vaahla · 2021-10-29T20:42:52+00:00

Girl, you need to start holding yourself to the same standard men hold themselves. He sure as hell isn’t beating himself up over it, so why are you, as the victim, being so hard on yourself!?

thanarealnobody · 2021-10-29T22:33:07+00:00

Going through this myself and it’s a tough road.

xfelugirlx · 2021-10-30T06:25:44+00:00

It’s not your fault. Have mercy of your past young self and learn to not repeat mistakes. A lot of women, me included were pressed into sx with them or without protection. Even when they wasn’t feeling it they just gave in because they are exhausted or vulnerable . It isn’t right. It happens more in relationships or marriages. Don’t do things you don’t desire too, you know now

Title	How to forgive yourself for consenting to an abusive sex? (potential trigger warning)
Author	europoor24
Upvotes	289
Comments	37
Date	October 29, 2021 9:57 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qi9aqo/how_to_forgive_yourself_for_consenting_to_an/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-forgive-yourself-for-consenting-to-an.1081164 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081164

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