A few weeks ago I ended my first serious relationship (a little over a year) with my ex. When we started dating I had just learned about FDS and was feeling confident in my ability to put it into practice in real life. The reality is, I still have so much to learn as a woman in my early 30s who is trying to navigate this dating world that very heavily favors men. I initially thought that he exhibited HV behavior (planned dates, paid for everything, didn't use porn and cared about my sexual needs), but as time went on more and more LV behavior came out. And some things that I initially thought were HV actually weren't. They just became ways to control me or make me feel subhuman.

Some Red Flags (of many) that I should have left at the first sign of:

  • Loves jordan peterson, joe rogan, etc. eyeroll he did a great job of keeping a lot of his personal/political views under wraps until we were more established.
  • He started bringing up children more frequently even though I am adamantly childfree (I'd say around 7 months into our relationship). It was on my dating profile and it came up on our third date. It was something I had made clear from the beginning but he felt that he could change my mind (aka bully me into it).
  • I was the first to initiate everything; exclusivity talk, define the relationship, say I love you. This translated into the day to day, me carrying the emotional load and mental labor for facilitating intimacy in our relationship (e.g. planning dates, always reaching out first, traveling to him so we could see each other)
  • He is a former porn addict who no longer uses but it became clear that he still was impacted by his previous use as more and more degrading behavior crept into our sex life as we continued to date. So even if he doesn't use porn currently DOES NOT MEAN his brain is not still warped from having consumed it in the past.
  • Emotional intimacy with other women (a coworker and his SIL) to an extent that it made me feel like the other woman in my own relationship. He became defensive about my discomfort at the relationship with the coworker and called me controlling, placing that relationship over my feelings. The reality is he liked having someone who he knew liked him and he enjoyed the attention.
  • The only gifts he got me consistently were lingerie. No effort was put into Xmas gifts, my birthday, or Valentines day (I had to do all of the planning for those). I would get him wonderful, thoughtful gifts with nice cards for celebrations or if I just saw something I thought he would like. He always claimed to struggle with giving gifts but never made efforts to really try.
  • Started articulating more and more things he did not like about me in off-handed, mean ways.
  • He has a massive temper and was never able to calmly or constructively communicate his feelings in a way that was not hurtful to me. In fact he said on one occasion that he wanted to hurt me (verbally) so that I would not commit the same mistake. Why would you purposefully want to hurt someone you supposedly love?
  • Called me controlling/selfish because I did not want an open relationship after he came out as bi to me. Sorry no I'm monogamous, even if I can't physically give you what you want (no penis here) I'm not ok with you sleeping with other people.
  • His apartment was ok but overtime I realized he had limited domestic skills (disgusting bathroom, can't cook, didn't get a health insurance plan or doctor until we started dating). This is a man in his early 30s and I knew I would have to do all of the domestic labor in our relationship if it progressed further.

Due to a huge traumatic experience in his life at the end of 2021 (8 months into our relationship) I felt like I needed to be there for him. I loved him, and most of those red flags had not manifested yet. However, what I got for the next half year was increasing coldness, anger/resentment and controlling behaviors from him. When he was in his darkest moment, I was there for him. And I realized over time that he was taking me for granted and treating me with less and less kindness. He was ok with not meeting my needs. As long as I did everything to fit into his life/accommodate his life and completely forego my own interests and dreams, we would be ok. But that's not who I am or ever will be. So I went over to his apartment after a week of passive-aggressive, controlling, lashing out from him and told him we needed to go our separate ways. I still had to be the one to end it, even though he would borderline threaten that with our increasingly frequent arguments.

My lessons I'm learning as I come to terms with this experience:

  • HV behavior for the moment does not translate to HV behavior for the long run. FDS is so accurate in the assessment that LV behavior can take a very long time to come out and people are very good at hiding it.
  • You have to be vigilant and ruthless, and if things start souring it is very unlikely to get better. FDS is very correct about this. Cut them off the second something comes up.
  • Your FDS journey can start whenever, and it is likely going to be a lifelong thing. I started mine at 30. My dating experiences have generally been horrible having dated since my early 20s, and even if I don't end up with someone FDS will at least help prevent me from ending up with someone who makes me miserable.
  • They will hold on to you even if they don't like you. I increasingly wondered if he liked me after experiencing the way he spoke to me and treated me the last half year of our relationship, and especially in the last couple of months. I don't think he did like me for who I am or my ideas or thoughts, but he had access to sex and to a supportive partner who always accommodated him and met his needs during one of the worst times of his life. So why would he let that go.

I'm still very much processing all of this and working through the heartbreak, but I'm so proud of how far I have come. A few years ago I would have continued to bend over backwards for a man who didn't treat me like I deserved; now with FDS' help I have ended a relationship (as painful as that was) that was no longer serving me, and I am reprioritizing myself like I prioritized him. Good luck on all of your journeys and for anyone who might be in a similar situation, please know that you deserve better.

Edit: Words and adding examples. This post is a cathartic tool in a way for me to remember all of the shitty things that happened over our relationship.

Edit 2: Thank you to the scrote lurkers for my first reddit cares message! I am honored. An even bigger thank you to all of my supportive sisters who have taken the time to read and respond to me. Your words mean more to me than you could ever know.