I feel like I can't trust men

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-15T16:17:56+00:00

Yeah, it is despressing to think about and I think there's no 100% guarantee or way to know for sure, but only dating men who are 100% into you and already in a stable life/financial position helps.

Softrito · 2021-12-16T00:12:31+00:00

Go into relationships with the mindset of "how does this relationship benefit me?" The way I see it, if you didn't birth them, you don't owe them.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-12-15T15:38:02+00:00

Honestly, what has helped me the most is this is approaching relationships just like men. I am hoping to strike it big in the not too distant future in my field. I’ve thought a lot about how marriage impacts women and money. I don’t think that women actually fear the break up of the marriage or whatever. They fear the consequences of it. They fear losing their home and being broke, they fear being taken advantage of, they fear losing everything they’ve worked for. And they’re right to fear that. You can never control what a man does, but what you can control are the circumstances you put yourself in. Legal protection is paramount. Never live with anyone without the benefit of marriage and when you do get married, get a prenup. Since prenups can be voided, you want to make sure you’re always putting money aside in a place/form he can’t get to.

FDS-MAGICA · 2021-12-15T16:42:00+00:00

This is the thing I can't stand most about men and how they regard women: they think of them as accessories and indicators of their success rather than people. Women are expected to stand by their man or whatever. Men are expected to upgrade when they can "do better".

Yet it makes me even angrier that the ability to simply buy high-status mates is not available to women in the same way. Fat bald old LVM can get girls with 10/10 looks so long as they have status and $$$, but a fat ugly old woman with $$$ can never do the same thing. We are not equal.

I would wonder if he would dump me for someone else if he suddenly became rich or famous.

Yes he would leave, but that's not going to happen to most men you meet. I guess that's the only way to win-- date a man who can never become too beautiful or too rich. But if you want to be with a great man with status, the trade-off is that you have to put up with a lot of shit, and I think that's why beleaguered wives of successful LVM stay in their crappy relationship.

Hmm, could it be that there's a correlation between success in the capitalistic system and a lack of empathy? 🤔

FUBARfromLSA · 2021-12-15T22:55:38+00:00

So basically you should get yourself in a position that if a man dumps you because he becomes more successful or whatever his motivations are you won’t care.

Maybe you’ll care from an emotional standpoint but your finances, your housing, your INTEGRITY won’t take a hit.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-15T15:20:57+00:00

Make them wait. Give it time, and go slowly. Any user, I promise, will give up and leave if he doesn't get what he wants in a relatively short time frame. Men who are sincere, who love you for you, understand they're being vetted and why. They know it's not personal, because they understand how most men are.

When I was beginning to know my late second husband, we had this conversation. We took our own sweet time, three years, emailing and chatting on the phone, before we ever met. Mind you, he *could* have held a mask, but for three years? It's not at all probable, although it's slightly possible. I moved out to Los Angeles, and we lived apart for a year, again, just to make sure things were going to work out. I think we've all heard of scrotes who take years to let the mask slip, but I also think that someone would have to ignore a LOT of gut feelings during several years.

Pope's quote rings true hundreds of years later: "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." If you have had issues with love and affection in your family of origin, deal with any issues first; it'll make going forward a lot easier. And love yourself first and last. Level yourself up, and that higher energy will attract the kind of men who deserve you. Best of luck.

Pahapan · 2021-12-15T18:53:59+00:00

99% of the time there will be signs that a man is LV. Only a small percentage of men are full on psychopaths who can completely mask for a year+. Remember that people's stories are always at least a little biased. Do you think the woman who was dumped after several years of helping her boyfriend level up is going to be entirely honest about the warning signs she saw early on, or is she going to construct the narrative that everything was perfect and that she was blindsided?

Admitting that there were red flags you chose to ignore is really, really hard. It opens a can of worms. You have to delve into why you ignored the signs, you find yourself having to confront issues and possibly even formative trauma that led to you having low self esteem, low standards, and being desperate for love. And even if you can admit it to yourself, are you going to admit it to the world? It can be incredibly embarrassing telling your friends, family, and even strangers on the internet the full truth. So you leave out the bad parts. You don't tell people about how he showed up drunk to one of your first dates, about how he refused to ever do the dishes, about how he'd raise his voice during arguments. You focus on how "sweet" he was and how you never saw his betrayal coming.

As a class, you can't trust men. But thankfully the vast majority of men will reveal their true colors within a year, often within weeks. Hone your instincts, learn how to listen to your gut (The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a great place to start), and ruthlessly vet. Don't overlook red flags, don't make excuses for low value behavior, and don't try to change men. As soon as they do something that reveals them to be inconsiderate, selfish, hostile, lazy, etc. you simply walk away. Men rarely treat placeholder girlfriends (or any girlfriend, for that matter) well.

efemel115 · 2021-12-15T18:03:51+00:00

I have literally just been through this.

Met a guy -> Invested 1 year of my life into him because he was begging me to marry him -> Did not present any Red flags -> He told me he was going on holiday with his female friend (did invite me but I said no) -> Did not feel threatened because she is a 10/10 whereas he is a 2/10 on a good day -> he comes back from vacation with her and ghosts me on my birthday -> Not sure what happened if he got some kind of ego boost by being around her?? After he ghosted me on my birthday I am so glad i trusted my gut and never told my parents that a guy wanted to approach them to ask for my hand.

I blocked him everywhere.

Trust your gut ladies.

Snoo-86636 · 2021-12-15T18:16:53+00:00

You cant. And your paranoia is keeping you safe.

Antique_Fortune6974 · 2021-12-15T21:17:39+00:00

Im so glad romantic relationships aren't a must!

ready2leav · 2021-12-16T08:21:47+00:00

Of course don’t trust men, sis. You need to trust yourself not to put up with bs.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-12-15T23:24:14+00:00

A man who dumps a woman once he thinks he has levelled up doesn't see a woman as a fully formed human being.

These types are abusive so no loss there.

There are ALWAYS red flags.

PicoPicoMio · 2021-12-15T20:59:05+00:00

In hindsight I ignored the warning signs because I was conditioned to be a pickme by my cultural upbringing, my parents also had a problematic marriage so I interpreted some behavior as par for the course in a relationship.

He discarded me after he had a series of personal and career successes. I was blindsided and hurt. He was getting gassed up by a 3/10 office pickmeisha. Suddenly there was a lot of blame shifting and I was the reason his life was shit etc. I gave him what he wanted by leaving and he came running back only for the cycle of love bombing, devaluing and discarding to occur again.

Thanks to FDS my eyes are wide open and I will ruthlessly vet forever. I’m no longer afraid to walk away when a man shows his true colors. Unfortunately you have to deal with the reality that you can never become too comfortable. You also need to understand that men are raised to be selfish and ego driven.

Title	I feel like I can't trust men
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	488
Comments	37
Date	December 15, 2021 2:58 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rh0y54/i_feel_like_i_cant_trust_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-feel-like-i-cant-trust-men.1092324 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092324

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