Making more than your SO

randomgirlimok · 2021-09-14T04:48:56+00:00

No, because men make more than women just for having a penis, so if he’s making less then is he even trying to better himself? My ex would rather sit in the same job for 20 yrs bitching about it and when I wrote him a resume, made him a linkedIN, and told him what to say in his video interview he instantly got a job offer of 25k more. All because I made him do it. So to me that says he’s not even trying.

Platipus6 · 2021-09-14T04:56:11+00:00

Depends where he gets the rest of his self-esteem from.

Rich men who get 90% if their self-esteem from "Job, breadwinner status, paying the Bills" and 10% from "owning a pretty wife who does all the housework" and then he loses his Job... he has nowhere to go. He'll ramp up feeling like a big man by "controlling the wife". He'll promote himself to manager. aka abusing, nitpicking and belittling.

If he gets 50% from Job and 50% from participating in the care of his house, the children, the backyard, his other friendships and hobbies, and he loses his Job, he can easily increase his self-esteem from these other areas.

How balanced is his life? How much esteem or identity does he get from his job? Does he seem resentful or envious of your job? Does he show any internal motivation and satisfaction from taking care of his home?

ConstantNurse · 2021-09-14T04:22:34+00:00

It depends on how much he made compared to me.

If he was making minimum when I'm making six figures, that's not really going to fly well in the long run.

You need to take into consideration what your wants/needs are in a relationship and how that factors in to money and whether or not it is possible. You also need to take into consideration the "what if's", would he be able to support you during illness or severe injury where you couldn't work and you were married?

I personally wouldn't want to date someone who isn't on top of their finances and is spending outside of their own limit. I've seen guys go into cc debt to keep their lady happy, only for it to end with them still making payments on the things they bought.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-09-14T11:05:58+00:00

I made three times as much as my ex and when he found out, he wanted to go 50/50. I complied since I felt badly for him. Guess what? I later found out he was trust fund kid with more than 80k to his name in assets. He still wanted to go 50/50. Turns out, he’s a lazy POS that doesn’t work unless he has to. Sorry, I’m gonna need a guy who’s work oriented and motivated. I need a guy who makes more than me and doesn’t sit around all day playing video games.

bookworm1896 · 2021-09-14T06:41:53+00:00

I am making more than my husband and it works fine for us. He "just" has a bachelor degree and started working immediately after while I studied a subject that takes way longer. I now work in public service (don't know if that's the right word) so there is no pay gap in my job and I have to pay less taxes than him.

Still, it's no problem in our relationship. He is hardworking and earns enough money. When I studied he financially supported me, paid for holiday, etc. He also inherited money from his deceased parent, which we used when buying our house.

GoldandGlowing · 2021-09-14T06:05:22+00:00

Hell fucking no.

I plan to have children. If that relationship manages to go the distance then I will be pregnant/raising small children while working at the same time. Fuck that.
Given how much shit women have to put up with in the workplace, if a man manages to make less money than me then he’s probably unambitious or just plain defective. It’s a red flag idc.
Women already carry the emotional labour in a relationship. I’ll be damned if I’m doing the same financially.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-14T06:48:23+00:00

I would just be unimpressed. My paycheck isn't just a number, I've had to work my tush off studying and grinding job applications, networking, and researching ways to manage my wealth. It speaks of my ambition, mental strength, and creativity. My field is extremely male dominated, so you bet it's easier for a man. I want a partner who has these traits to the same degree as me, and if that's the case, he'd be successful AF.

lalalalaika · 2021-09-14T04:21:31+00:00

Not sure if this topic is addressed in the handbook, but I've definitely seen it talked about here. He should ideally earn more. Men always seem to resent their female partners who out earn them. They feel emasculated. Also, our global society is structured to give men privileges that women don't have. If he can't make it in a world literally made for men... perhaps he isn't the ideal partner

nahradfam · 2021-09-14T09:50:05+00:00

I think it depends on a huge amount of factors.

Is he earning enough to sustain his own lifestyle and participate in the lifestyle that I want? Then it's fine by me.

Is he in a career where there's real potential to earn more as time goes on? Then it's fine by me.

Other than a few k difference in earnings are you on the same page in terms of home ownership, plans for the future, life stage? Then it's fine by me.

I earn more than my partner but I'm also 5 years older and have been working 9 years longer. We're both of an age where 5 years can make a huge difference to your earning potential. I'm about at the max I'm able to make with the work life balance I am willing to strike, he's already demonstrated to me in the time we've been together that he can and will progress in his career and earnings in the next couple of years.

If a man was sat steady in the same minimum wage no progression position he'd been in since high school, we'd be having a different conversation.

ThrowawayKITTY777 · 2021-09-14T07:47:31+00:00

I make a good bit more than my husband... I have a lot more assets too

Me : $350-400,000 a year ... base + commission and I chase those commissions. 😹 My base income is $175,000

Him: $130,000 a year salary, $7000 rental income

Me: 2 paid off cars

Him : 1 paid off car, 2 paid off motorcycles

I own my house free and clear since 2017

He was renting an apartment before marriage.

He does own a really nice mountain cabin he planned to retire to though, he rents that out during ski season for extra income....and now through inheritance he owns another house in town that he's going to renovate and rent out. So now that his uncle has passed his net worth has moved up closer to mine.

We both have retirement funds but his is smaller than mine because he dipped into his the past few years to pay for both his daughters' college and recently to support one of them living in Italy for a year so she can maybe get her dream career.

Our setup since marriage is that he moved in and pays all the small bills at my house like electric/gas/water/internet etc and we go 50/50 on the homeowners insurance and house taxes.

We keep our finances pretty separate... our cars, phones, and credit cards are our own responsibility, we have one joint account for emergencies but we don't touch that. It works out way better for him... my monthly house bills are less than his apartment rent & bills were, even with him budgeting in to hand me a fat check at tax time.

So... he spends the extra he has monthly on adding to his savings, fun stuff for us, or gifts for me or my house.

Ever since we started dating he has paid for 99.9% of our dates and fun activities ... I paid for some beers for us once.... that's still the only date I've chipped in on... he's still paying for our nights out now that we're married...if we go out to eat he still always gets the dinner check, we have plans to go to Scotland together for a month if the Covid bullshit ever settles down and he intends to pay for the entire trip.

We're kinda 50/50 on groceries... I pick up staples and do the Costco runs and pay for them because Costco is on my way home from work. Otherwise we shop together daily for fresh ingredients for dinner because that's our little ritual and he pays for that every time.

All this really adds up to is we both were doing well financially and had our lives set up decently and the way we liked it before we got together so there really is no pressure on him to compete with my income and he still adds to my quality of life despite making less than I do.

I doubt it would work so well for couples just starting out though.

like_onomatopoeia · 2021-09-14T05:09:07+00:00

Ideally, he makes the same. Even more important to me is however how he spends his money. Is he financially stable? Is he throwing out his money at any opportunity?

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-09-14T19:42:33+00:00

I've met thousands of men, and among those, two HVM.

One has a 6-figure job managing hundreds of people, and the other has a blue collar job in the trades. Honestly, the tradesperson is such a kind-hearted, positive, lovely, giving, selfless man. Genuinely the single best person I know, and honest-to-God I don't know how he managed to turn out the way he did given the society we live in.

That being said, our standards are our standards. If you want a man who makes more than you, don't "date down." Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise; you deserve to be happy. BUT, I personally don't mind - I've put a lot of thought into it, but also come from a hard-working blue-collar family, and despite having moved up socioeconomically in my own career, feel quite at home in those circles.

You can be happy either way, it just depends on what you like & what's important to you. And despite me being optimistic here, vet men who make less than you especially hard - studies show they're less likely to pull their weight at home, and more likely to cheat/be abusive (as a way of asserting their mAsCuLiNiTy in place of being the "breadwinner").

I'd still expect him to pay, plan thoughtful dates, and generally do all that "HVM-acting-like-he-was-raised-right" stuff. Both HVM I know have never failed to open doors, carry my things, offer help when it's needed, and pay when we go out.

shockingupdate · 2021-09-14T04:36:19+00:00

I’m not okay with it. I’d like to be, it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Too many men base their identity on outdated notions that men MUST be the breadwinner, and as a result, too many men are stuck in the 50s, believing they should be allowed to bring nothing to the table but money. I don’t want to have to soothe a man who thinks I emasculated him by having a good job, and I definitely don’t want a man to start pushing me to spend money on him or move him into my home. Or worse, pressuring me to “build him up.” 🤢 It happens way too often for me to not hate it.

Not to mention the pay gap is still a yawning fucking chasm. We all have our individual struggles in society, but when I meet a man who is older than me but makes significantly less, despite all the detours I had to take to get to where I am, knowing full well that I make cents on the dollar of men with similar titles, I can’t help but think they must have really nodded off for a few years for that to happen. That, or they faced some real adversity that’s taken them years to recover from. Has he gone to therapy? Is he drowning in debt? How did he get here? If they make less than I do, do their ambitions for their life match their income? Or do they match mine better? Way too many moving parts for me to trust he’ll be able to be fiscally responsible, emotionally intelligent, and respectful of my boundaries at the same time.

I know this sounds harsh, to assume a man is either broken or lazy based on his cash flow. But when I trust my intuition on this, it saves me a ton of time (and money, and dignity).

youre_a_cat · 2021-09-14T10:17:17+00:00

I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend was working in a lower-paying job, but he would have to be at the same or higher level than me in his field. I do believe there are are lots of jobs that don't pay as well as mine, but are just as "respectable" (aka do something useful for the world or people). For example, research, teaching, mechanical engineering, etc.

The reason for same-or-higher level is because I've waded through a lot more shit than men have to deal with in order to get my degree and find my job in a male-dominated field. It's easier for men to get to where I am, so a man being noticeably worse/lower than me in their field indicates someone who probably can't keep up with me intellectually or ambition-wise.

Salt_Satisfaction · 2021-09-14T10:07:21+00:00

It depends on many things:

Earning an average or even a small salary is normal for young people, in this case, is he hardworking? Is he responsible with money? Is he trying to improve his chances of getting a better job/being promoted? This would include studying for an extra certification, learning skills that are high in demand, learning a new language... etc. If I was older I wouldn't mind him earning less so long as it's not significant enough for us to have different lifestyles and cause arguments. Money is the main reason why people divorce, so I'd like to avoid that.

If he pays for everything and he earns significantly less, regardless of age I would feel silly and I wouldn't be with him. It's not responsible to max out your credit cards or to barely save anything a month just because you're paying for dates. If I was him I would wait until I'm more financially secure, just as I did.

vbych76 · 2021-09-14T04:53:26+00:00

Definitely earn more. And also he should be always looking at other opportunities like passive incomes, side business, second job or studying for certificates, upgrading education etc. It is not even about money. It's about security and a state of mind.It's important to be curious, flexible and hardworking. I measure them with the same standard I measure myself. And don't tell me they can't find the time for a relationship, they always do for the things that matter to them. It's just that usually it's drinking, drugs,video games, side affairs, porn or similar addictions.

Maude2010 · 2021-09-14T16:36:22+00:00

It depends on a lot of things, like age, equity, savings, and what level of money we’re talking about.

Like if I’m 50 making 300K and my partner is 60, semi retired from his job making over a million and is now making 80K doing freelance consulting, and we both own our homes and have equity and savings, it’s not really relevant that he’s now earning less than I am.

If we met in med school and I started practicing general medicine while he’s still a resident because he plans to be an oncologist, it wouldn’t matter to me if my income is higher for a few years.

If we’re both 25 and I’m making 60K to his 50K, that wouldn’t matter, if we were both clear on our goals and plans.

If I’m 35 and running my own business pulling in 100K and he’s 40 and working as a server because he doesn’t know what he wants, obviously no.

TL;DR: It really depends. I know what I want. In some circumstances, I’d be totally fine bringing in more income. I’m in my late 40s and still working, while some of the men I’m now meeting are slowing their careers down and doing more lower income personal interest stuff because they can afford it.

Huntscunt · 2021-09-14T19:55:22+00:00

Honestly, I'm more interested in 2 things: 1) how does he handle making less money? I find most men become resentful, and things turn toxic.

2) more important than his salary, how financially responsible is he? You can make 6 figures and still be broke. I care way more that the person I am with lives within their means, saves for rainy days, doesn't spend frivolously, etc

My LVX made more than me as I was a student, but my family had money and his didn't, so he was always resentful. Even worse was he was always broke because he spent money on dumb shit and momentary pleasures (drinking, drugs, a new car), and I, who had a fixed income of $1500 a month was constantly bailing him out.

poppinkitty · 2021-09-14T04:49:36+00:00

I think it's okay but the difference shouldn't be big enough to have different life styles. Even if you quit your job he should earn enough to provide for your current lifestyle.

finance_lady · 2021-09-15T02:03:24+00:00

I think it depends on the situation. I'm in my 30s and I am at a very good place in my career. I earn ~50k per year with great benefits at my full-time job but I also make another ~8k from freelance income and have multiple real estate assets where I'm on the title with other family members. My net worth is pretty high due to the real estate but I think my actual monthly income from the job and freelance projects is about average. I'm not pulling in any cash from real estate.

I think at my age and up a guy should at the minimum earn $50k and be a homeowner. That shows me he has some ambition and you have to have good financial habits to take out a mortgage. But I also understand not everyone comes from families with real estate to share so I don't expect multiple homes or rental properties. I wouldn't disclose the real estate unless marriage is imminent.

Certain careers are low-paying but legit like K-12 teachers so I'd date a teacher if he has HVM qualities! But low-paying due to lack of ambition = bad.

losersquad711 · 2021-09-15T03:18:16+00:00

I definitely don’t mind if my SO makes a little less than me, especially if they still contribute and don’t use that as an excuse

dolphiya_or_parateen · 2021-09-16T22:53:14+00:00

My husband loves his job, works really hard at it, does something that actively helps people, and though we earn the same amount of money now, I’ll probably overtake him at some point. Being a HVM isn’t about money - in my experience, a disproportionate amount of rich guys are narcissistic, entitled, shallow assholes. Of course, women have different goals and different needs - for example, if you want to be a SAHM, your partners income is going to be much more important to you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m childfree, so partner income has never been a factor for me - I selected for other things, like honesty, loyalty and empathy. There are also other factors to consider, like whether you want a partner who is happy and relaxed and supportive of you, or one who hates his job, is stressed and needs your support. My father was always in a terrible mood because of his work, and that makes me appreciate how chill my partner is and how available he is to emotionally support me through my stressful, high profile job. Everyone is different and needs a partner who complements them in their own unique way.

anotherdamnloser · 2021-09-15T03:28:56+00:00

My late husband was making less and didn’t care. He became a real drain and refused to try.

Title	Making more than your SO
Author	yaythrowawayyyyyy
Upvotes	71
Comments	31
Date	September 14, 2021 3:55 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pnvbi6/making_more_than_your_so/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/making-more-than-your-so.1070527 https://theredarchive.com/post/1070527

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