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Needed to hear this after a breakup

ino_y

October 6, 2019

722 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

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Post Information

Title	Needed to hear this after a breakup
Author	ino_y
Upvotes	722
Comments	70
Date	October 6, 2019 2:57 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ddxnfk/needed_to_hear_this_after_a_breakup/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/needed-to-hear-this-after-a-breakup.690267 https://theredarchive.com/post/690267

Comments

[–]sengagniFDS Disciple41 points42 points43 points 6 years ago* (25 children) | Copy Link

[–]cridhebriste28 points29 points30 points 6 years ago (24 children) | Copy Link

[–]judyclimbsFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

[–]Vinoandkisses19FDS Disciple4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link

[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Vinoandkisses19FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]judyclimbsFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–]Vinoandkisses19FDS Disciple1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Actually having been a younger woman once, I can certainly say I am MUCH nicer now. In my 20s I thought nothing of breaking men’s hearts. I was cold and selfish. Younger people ARE selfish. They aren’t known for their loyalty either. I also certainly wasn’t attracted to older men. The oldest I had was maybe 15 yrs older (yuck in hindsight) and he was a jackass and I dumped him in short order after he dissed my short story that won an award. He was jealous of me. Anyway, he didn’t try to get me back. And he wasn’t anything to write home about in bed. I married a guy 3 years younger than me and my last bf was 3 years younger than me and we had great fun together. The older guy was so boring and self-important. I think the whole “younger women are nicer” is just something guys who strike out with women their own age tell themselves rather than look in the mirror at why they can’t interest these women.

[–]swillah0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

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[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]swillah0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

So a couple of things... As a woman who was younger and is now older I have to say that I was far stupider, ruder, unsympathetic, manic and hapless etc in general when I was young. Now, if you asked the object of my affection if they thought that about me, they’d probably overlook my faults and make excuses for me because they were getting laid. As soon as those relationships ended they saw the sweet sexy girl become a vicious crazy bitch.

Another thing worth mentioning is menopause (which I am still too young for) which I am dreading. I see how much women struggle with that transition, and it’s heartbreaking. They can be some wild monsters barely capable of daily functioning. I’m hoping that more awareness is raised to help women through the hormonal changes they have to go through at various times and stages of their life.

As far as us blaming you for what you notice, you’re not being blamed at all and that’s just your perspective, and your entitled to it but maybe you should ask yourself if your hormones are kidding your critical thought just a bit.

[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–]Vinoandkisses19FDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]ino_y6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]cridhebriste1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

This is what I believe. I know I never have to feel like the next one will receive better treatment. Not a single one. They don't change. I broke off an engagement with a guy because he was just too selfish and immature for me. He married someone else and kept trying to throw it in my face. Why?! She found out and messaged me upset that we were talking at all. I told her the truth in the nicest way so as not to sound bitter or ruin her relationship. I told her he didn't have anything that I wanted. That he was too immature for me. But that all he did was brag about her to me and that I wished them the best. Her response was so thankful and kind. Fast forward exactly 15 years and he found me on social media and was messaging me again. He was divorced and she was a bitch that always hated when he brought me up. He wanted to fly to come see me for the weekend. He then weirdly went into a self pitying rant about how women use men. I immediately blocked. I wished I knew his ex wife's name so we could both laugh at him.

[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]eyes_serene52 points53 points54 points 6 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

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[–]LadySwittersFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

They don't.... until they do. I was 33 when I met my husband. I had pretty much decided I was okay being single, or at least it was preferable to being with someone that made me miserable, and had been single for five years when I met him. I had dated a LOT - like a lot a lot - OLD was like a part time job. And so many dispiriting, sad, shitty experiences. So many men that over promised and under delivered. So many men that seemed enchanted by me right before they would disappear. Or try to screw me and disappear whether they failed or succeeded. It was depressing and sad, but I felt like I had to keep trying. And then I met him, and it was... just... it. He told me he was going to marry me on our fourth date. I told him he was insane. We got married on our nine month anniversary, and here we are about 4 years and a kid later. And it's awesome. He's not the perfect man - he has issues like any other - but he's never treated me like anything but his love, his partner, and his number one priority. He's a loving husband and a loving father, and I'm sure at least once, before he dies, he will put his socks in one of the many hampers I have strategically placed around the house in the hopes that one day he will figure out what they are for.

Honestly, getting used to it just being easy was incredibly difficult. I had nightmares for years, sometimes still do, about him not being there. Like in a dream I didn't remember what was missing, but I knew it was important, and I couldn't figure out what it was. And in those dreams I would date, and be broken all over again, and then wake up and it would take me several minutes to figure out why the dreams weren't real. (I have vivid dreams).

What really puzzles me is that qualitatively he's a lot better than the guys that were shitty to me. It's not like I was aiming over my market value or however you would want to put it. He's younger than me, good looking, educated, hard working. So it wasn't about standards or aiming too high, it was just about waiting for it to happen, which I realize is not advice at all...

[–]eyes_serene5 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]pinkliquorFDS Newbie19 points20 points21 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]missmatchedsocks8813 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]poppycat26FDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

I think I might be starting one of these mythical relationships. It’s only been 7 weeks but he is such an incredibly kind, humble, caring man. Once upon a time my self esteem was so low I rejected men who treated me well, but I also wasn’t particularly attracted to them either, those particular ones. This guy, I daresay I fell for him within minutes of talking to him. That night we met, I went home with him and he didn’t try to have sex with me. A bit crazy to go home with him but I just knew he was safe and I also knew I had to know him. The attraction was magnetic and transcending anything sexual.

He put me in an Uber home and told me to text him when I got home but he didn’t wait, he texted me a minute later the make sure I was safe and kept texting me until I got home. I was skeptical because he’s 51 and never married and just exuded bachelor. Since then we’ve been inseparable in our thoughts and he shares everything with me that he’s doing if it’s something worth mentioning, he’s been traveling a lot and always tells me when he’s gotten in safe, he will send me random texts about what he’s eating and wants to know silly things about me too. I’m in my 40s and we make each other feel young again. This is a very innocent relationship. Physically he doesn’t make me weak in the knees but I’m madly in love with his mind and heart and spirit and that makes me want to be physically close to him, touching him and kissing him. This is a very strong spiritual thing. I really believe in this stuff now. We are like two peas in a pod but different enough to be drawn together by our opposite traits.

It was very serendipitous how we met and the only thing I can say, and I’ve said this before - I gave up on love. I made peace with being on my own and leaving the beautiful relationships to others but it wasn’t for me, it wasn’t my destiny. I’d only ever been in dysfunctional relationships where I tried to make them love me more, tried to be good enough for them to love me more. It was NEVER me. For whatever reason, I was attracting the same kind of man, same kind of treatment, over and over again. Somehow over time and 18 months of therapy, I gained clarity and perspective and most importantly, self forgiveness for all the years I’d blamed myself and accepted this painful treatment from men. I was full of insecurities.

This man has made me feel beautiful and fascinating and like he is the luckiest man on earth. I have never had that in my life. He even told me I don’t need to lose weight, I don’t need to become a better poet (we both write poetry), I am perfect the way I am. He is very successful, tall, charming, funny, extremely intelligent and no slouch. We are both equally in admiration of each other’s qualities. I just became unemployed and he doesn’t care, he believes in me. We wrote stuff together and it was so good. We realized we make a great creative team. I have no family besides my daughters and he is very close to his family. He brings to the table something that growing up in a loving household is so nurturing to me, coming from a broken home with no father and an alcoholic mother. The way he holds me is so comforting. We haven’t even tried to have sex. Bonding through physical touch is so much deeper than through orgasm, though I’m not saying we are not going to do that someday. It’s just that right now this is such an innocent love thing unfolding, I feel like a teenager again.

It took me my whole life to find him and it took him half a century to find me. I can’t imagine this is not the real thing. When I was in the ER he was so concerned about me. My ex bf has been texting me and I told him about my health scare and he just said “Oh wow, that sucks!” Then immediately started talking about his job. If I could give some advice, men who are close to their parents are likely going to be much better partners, but you also have to be ready for them. A high quality man may not be able or willing to take on your unresolved issues. Had I met him a few years ago he would have RUN far away from me. Timing is important. And, the right man will make you feel a sense of security others didn’t.

When you find yourself deeply caring for this person and truly wanting them to be happy even if they’re in Vegas with their buddies or whatever they may be doing that may have once made you feel jealous or insecure, you know you’ve not only met the right one for you but that YOU are mature enough for a healthy relationship. When you can’t even think of disrespecting them, and vice versa, when everything you wanted to do in life you want to share it with them, when you can’t get enough them (and I’m not talking sexually), when hearing from them is a tiny little gift every time, when you can picture them feeling your pain, when you just know they would, because they are compassionate and loving, when you want to know every little thing about each other, these are things that grow and nurture love.

When you meet someone who feels like home, and makes you laugh and makes you feel silly and young again, it’s the best feeling. I dated a guy a few years ago and sitting across the table from him nearly gave me a panic attack. He was so quiet and the silence was so awkward. We would drink at the bar and be all over each other, but sober? There was nothing. No chemistry. No conversation. No connection. None of these guys from my past gave two fucks about the details of my life. They never asked me anything. I just had to tell them stuff because I thought they might want to know about me but in hindsight I don’t think they did. I think I was there to show off to their friends and family, “look everyone! See, I’m normal!! I’m manly! I got this nice looking girl! I’m not gay/screwed up/still not over my ex/etc.” I realize I was used for that purpose honestly, first and foremost over anything else. Sad. This current guy genuinely wants to know who I am, what I like, what I’m about, and HOW I AM. Yes he asks me frequently how I am and means it.

Look for a kind, gentle man who loves his parents, is positive, with a curious mind and who can make you laugh, and make sure you are healthy enough to make him happy and want to stick around. I’m not a very positive person sometimes but I’m “faking it till I make it” because I believe it’s a choice and because if you want a good man you have to make him want to be around you. And he’s actually changing me, his outlook on life is contagious and I’m happier than I’ve been in so long. No good relationship is without work! We are both working in our own ways. But it shouldn’t be too much work and for it should NOT HURT. If it’s hurting, you can either stay and learn the hard way something you need to, or you can leave and work on your spirit on your own, but something that hurts isn’t meant to last, it’s not what you deserve, but it’s a manifestation of your own inner conflicts. I’m sorry I wrote a book. If anyone is still with me, yes they do exist! My parents had one for 30 years before she died. My dad took care of her for ten years and loved her dearly until the day she died. And my mom had been abused and cheated on by men until she met him and she was his princess forever.

Don’t ever let the way men have treated you your whole life EVER make you think you are not someone’s dream woman. You are! But let go for awhile and give the universe a chance to work its magic. Just live in every moment and embrace whatever each moment brings. You can’t force fate but you if you stop trying, good things will start to happen. I lived this myself. He’s not what I ever imagined but so much better. I just want women to know good men are out there, scared and wanting love just like us. Just be patient!

[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]eyes_serene6 points 6 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]CelticPrincess11 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]s_slayerFDS STRATEGY COACH2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Not necessarily. My point was that it’s never too late, unless you are looking to settle down and have kids. I’m just saying I felt like a lot of women my age, that it just wasn’t going to happen. I decided I could be happy anyway and that was a big spiritual evolution for me. It could happen at any age. I, personally, was a mess for a long time, beginning with a very physically abusive relationship in my 20s I never really recovered from until recently. That’s why I said I would have scared this guy away. I was just ready. I just quit drinking recently after drinking for 25 years. I was just ready. I couldn’t have done it before.

Everyone is different. You don’t have to wait till your 40s if you’re ready for the man you meet. If you’re not, he might help prepare you. That’s how I see my exes. They all taught me something that made me into a better person. Even the guy who beat me. I wish I hadn’t stayed, but I took something good out of it, if nothing else it helped me to realize how fortunate I am to have a loving. caring man even if he didn’t come in the package I thought he would. I met my ex husband when I was 28, we lasted ten years and had two great kids. I don’t regret that, and I had some of the best times of my life with him.

He was a good guy but he had issues and wasn’t the best for me but we were inseparable for those ten years. It’s just that now I have what I always wished I had had with him but we were both young (he was 25, I was 28), it was still great in many ways, really bad in others. The respect was lost too fast and that’s hard to get back. I know we both will always look back fondly on our good times. Now I just really look forward to a real grown up relationship without all the stresses raising a family on little money brought us, a long with endless family tragedies. If life hasn’t thrown so many curveballs at us we might still be married. Who knows. But after my divorce I felt like I’d never find a good man who would really adore me, and I did. Took 8 years but it happened.

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