I haven’t been on in a while. I thought I had a handle on this dating thing. I was weeding out red flags like it was me job. Asserting my worth and values and boundaries. Then I met him. Educated, intellectual, attentive, blah blah blah. Long boring story short - he isn’t “ready” to be exclusive. I made my position crystal clear, and ended it with confidence when he made it clear he wasn’t there. Flash forward a week, he came back around. I reiterated my position again. Long story short, he’s still not sure. I haven’t seen him since the first time I laid out my boundaries. And won’t. But damnit I am sad. He checks many of the boxes, I utterly understand he’s on his own path and don’t judge him not wanting exclusivity knowing his past. I am truly just sad. Sad that I asserted my worth knowing it’s the right thing but missed out on the pre-me knowing my worth pseudo happiness (it’s a thing, not being able to be who you were before has it’s sadness because you pass that gratification in the hopes there is more one day), sad that ….damn dude! What more could you ask for? I’m here, the whole package snd more, you’re really this stupid? And sad because of the what could have been if we were both HV and ready for it all. And I know I am romanticizing, and i working hard to ensure myself he was a step, a lesson on what I deserve and what i truly want and am worth. And i am working hard to remind myself that it will take time, and that every LV situation i avoid brings me closer and leaves room for what i deserve. And also…I really like talking with him, being with him, the honestly and candor, the intellectual and physical match. I know he isn’t it, he doesn’t want to be. And I won’t settle for less than “it” in every way. But I’m so sad. I know i am more than he ever could have hoped for, better than he’s ever had , and i know he wants so much less. I know I’m walking away with my head high. But i am so goddamn sad about it. ,

Edit: just to be clear since the first actual real convo about exclusivity he’s been honest. Wasn’t looking for it, not ready to try it again. While I call bullshit to an extent, I also acknowledge his past as similar to mine and just being wary and wanting to keep peace. I do not feel he is holding out for something better, I do feel he wants less if nothing at all. And I get that as he is his own person with his own narrative. When he can back around I called him out, and I still don’t get the sense he’s trying to play me. Possibly confused or knowing what he has with a woman like me and not wanting to lose it or commit. So know I do rate him in the jerk category because I was clear. And made myself clear again. Anything now is on me though. He backed off o guess, but I miss him. I won’t settle for less than exclusive and won’t see him otherwise. But it hurts. I’m so sad it hurts.