What's your opinion on "small violent" acts?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-03-19T14:49:14+00:00

First thing I'd like to say is that women's actions are different than men's.

As an example someone in the notes said she made fists during an argument with her hands by her side but it was to keep her from crying. A guy does it to keep himself from hitting you.

LexiJay94 · 2021-03-19T13:13:20+00:00

i basically never feel the need to perform violence when i'm angry and i don't understand people who do. crying, maybe screaming into a pillow, needing space and going for a walk to cool off or something - this, i can understand.

i'd be wary of someone who resorts to violence to cope with anger. obviously, i don't think someone is a bad person for ripping up some paper, but the fact they're choosing this coping strategy might be worth questioning.

edit: for the fist clenching - i just realized i've done this as well. however, it wasn't with any violent intentions. it's just that digging my finger nails into my skin helps to prevent me from crying in anger and to ground me. like chewing on my lip, for example.

so maybe it's like an orange flag? depending on the reasons, context etc?

SaturnGirl1989 · 2021-03-19T13:28:59+00:00

I think the level of frustration or anger should be in proportion to the situation. Sometimes theres good reason to be actively trying to sooth yourself - ripping paper.. But if you're getting pissed off over stupid shit, thats a red flag.

I always pay attention to how people react to me making a wrong turn when driving. If you can't handle a minor inconvenience, you can't handle major ones either. Next!

Feral_Housewife_ · 2021-03-19T14:20:47+00:00

Never, ever, ever date a dude with anger issues. Ever. If he's impulsively acting out violence when he's angry, you dip. Because it always escalates. If they don't have the good sense to walk it off or take some space first, then they are trash and you know what to do. My NVM ex had giant anger management issues, and they don't get better.

The first real time I ever saw my current bf angry was when I told him 4 years ago that my (now ex) husband had hit me (he slapped me across the face). He clenched his jaw, exhaled hard through his nose, and then stood up and started pacing. That's also his reaction if my ex's abuse of my son comes up in conversation. I have never seen him get even CLOSE to that angry about anything else, just the abuse of me and my son. He has never raised his voice at me, not once, and I've known him since we were 8.

Do not ever stay with a man who makes you feel physically intimidated, ever. That is the biggest red flag. And if you struggle to deal constructively with your anger, work on that either on your own or with a therapist. I am currently. It's not easy but it is worthwhile.

throwaway1378420 · 2021-03-19T13:40:43+00:00

If you feel threatened by it, there's obviously more to it and that's your gut telling you something is wrong. Ripping paper or clenching your fists or slamming your fist on your own thigh might seem like a small reasonable coping mechanism in its own, but if in whatever context it arises and you feel suspicious of it then do not brush it off. Eye contact during these fits would definitely be seen as threatening.

Mcccy · 2021-03-19T13:24:12+00:00

These aren't small violent acts, they are warnings.

A ticking bomb that will eventually explode

Fiebre · 2021-03-19T13:39:12+00:00

I think if it's like an impulse thing, if there's no delay before the action after the thought occurs, then it's bad impulse control and, if targeted at someone, is a warning and can turn into violence.

Once or twice I got so frustrated that I needed to let it out. I had the idea of throwing a phone across the room - not because I wanted to but because I've seen people do it out of frustration. In a fraction of a second I estimated the possible cost of the action and whether it would hurt anyone and whether it would actually help. I actually went through with it then. I would not have done it if other people had been around and could've got hurt. I could've chosen any other coping strategy and I have at other times. But when that's your go-to thing - to let go and follow any crazy idea you have without considering anything, there's no telling what idea you get next. Once you rip a paper in someone's face, next time you hit wall, next time you hit them.

Fantastic-Living · 2021-03-19T14:37:05+00:00

Yeah when my dad was upset at something incredibly minor he used to slam doors, slam things on tables, swear loudly, throw things. Then give me and the others in my family the silent treatment-- even if that minor upset had literally nothing to do with us. Although he never hit any of us it was scary (it started from when I was a young kid to a teenager) and made it feel like I had to walk on eggshells around him and everyone would be nice to him to get him out of it. So again, he never hit any of us but it maintained this type of power imbalance.

I would say 'small violent' acts need to be viewed with caution because of the damage they can do simply because of the *threat* they pose. The key here is it doesn't matter if he escalates the violent acts or not. The mere threat of it escalating will allow a man to get certain benefits, and he will continue them if he sees it working. And then he will continue benefiting from other people coddling him, since they wish he wouldn't be violent anymore.

If those minor violent actions happen, they need to be proportionate to the situation. The situation needs to be examined carefully to decide whether the violent act was used to set up a threat. Or if there's any doubt, leave. There shouldn't be a pattern of people, especially women being collateral damage to every minor inconvenience that happens to a man. There also shouldn't be a pattern of using minor acts of violence as leverage to exploit women.

Spittens · 2021-03-19T14:11:06+00:00

Any man that gets violent, small or large acts, is either using it to intimidate or barely controlling his urge to inflict violence. Either scenario is an immediate nope for me.

AdmiralRando · 2021-03-19T18:15:08+00:00

I’d have to say “go with your gut” on this one, but I know that some people here are still re-calibrating their guts, so I’ll give a concrete example.

If my ex were to tear up some mail, my heart would immediately sink because I knew that if HE had bad news then I had bad news. I knew that I would have to spend the next few hours/days/weeks exhaustively trying to get HIM to feel better, or to fix whatever problem he had.

If my current guy tears up the mail, I’d just say, “what’s up babe, need to vent?” He would bitch about whatever the bad news is and then say “ugh, I’ll have to call them tomorrow” (or whatever solution he, as a grown man who is capable of handling himself has decided). I would then commiserate and maybe let him pick what we watch first this evening since he had the worse day.

I just want to point out that this is just friendship. It’s not magical unicorn dust. I expect my guy to do the same for me (and this one does).

honeybeeroll · 2021-03-19T17:06:35+00:00

There's a good section in Bancroft's book where he covers different types of physical violence all the way down to a male domestic partner poking a woman, and how that can be abusive because of the aggression behind it.

Any act, no matter how small, if it's intimidating you, making you scared, making you afraid of him, it's a red flag. Best thing a woman can do for all aspects of life but especially a relationship is establish hard boundaries and standards, have the self discipline to stick to them no matter what, never accept less, and listen to her gut.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-03-19T15:46:01+00:00

a small violent act could be a huge violent act for someone else.

punching walls just makes my adrenaline spike and makes me hypervigilant. my body knows on an intuitive level that it is a precursor of violence that escalates.

NurseBubbleGum · 2021-03-19T16:30:33+00:00

It's an indicator of more violent tendencies. There is so much anger/frustration/rage that they feel the need to take it out physically. You could be on the receiving end given the right circumstances.

I've learned to channel anger into healthier physical activity. Men can too, but some choose to hit walls....eventually your face.

angry_opossum_lady · 2021-03-19T15:00:37+00:00

It's definitely bad as well...🚩 Expressing anger in a healthy and especially NON-THREATENING way and not redirecting anger about something onto you is something really important in a relationship. I had an LV ex who did stuff like that in the beginning and with time it only got worse (like punching through his door, grabbing my arm really hard when I "wasn't behaving" in public, driving too fast and reckless,...)

Also on anger in general: 1. Most men can control there anger perfectly fine when something they value could be threatened by it (would he get all passive-aggressive with his boss and risk losing his job?) 2. If I can go into "self-protection mode" when I get angry at something or him (turning away, showing through body language I don't want anyone near me right now, outright saying I'm angry or even removing myself from the situation to calm down or find a harmless way to let it out), because I know it's still difficult for me to deal with it sometimes, so I at least try to not make things worse... he can too. 3. For everyone who wants to have children: just ask yourself if you would want him to act like this around your child or to treat your child like that! (Or your siblings, your parents, your best friend, your pet,...)

Philodendronfanatic · 2021-03-19T15:59:00+00:00

It's the implicit threat that makes the difference. If you're in the more powerful position and clench your fist then that's a very different action to doing so when you're not in a position of power. Mind you, when a person is trying to hide what they percieve to be weakness by clenching a fist, they tend to do it in a way that is less likely to be seen. An aggressor will make sure you see them clench their fist.

An adult clenching their fist in an argument with a child: not ok. A tall man clenching their fist in an argument with a smaller woman: not ok. One woman shouting at another and clenching her fist: not ok. In all of these cases it's the aggressor clenching their fist and it's an implicit threat.

If you want to show frustration there are many different things people do. I know a guy who pulls at his eyebrow hairs when annoyed... never seen anyone else do that but people can have weird ticks. Pulling at your eyebrow just doesn't look aggressive even if it does very obviously show their frustration.

Edit: It also depends on the incident that triggered the action. I never shout at people, I very rarely get angry and even then I don't let it out at other people. It's completely possible to talk to people with oly mild annoyance even if they just say destroyed the washing machine by accident. Constantly being annoyed/frustrated/stressed etc. is a red flag; they either can't control themselves or they can't control their lives.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-03-19T17:08:03+00:00

I used to get angry like that when I was like 15. So I think that is a dealbreaker

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-03-19T18:28:44+00:00

He’s showing you how much he wants to use those fists in your face. I’d say run

DifferentBar6 · 2021-03-19T20:55:29+00:00

hard no, suggests a lack of emotional maturity

elainejay82 · 2021-03-20T06:08:05+00:00

One of my very good "male friends" got too drunk the last time I saw him and was so frustrated I was talking to another guy that he started clenching his fists.

Shortly after that when we were alone, he wouldn't let me leave the room and slammed the door every time I tried to open it to leave. I absolutely freaked out about this and went into instant panic mode.

Both instances are Domestic Violence but the truth is I had warning with the clench fists.

Look. Never is it ever ever going to be okay to see a sign like that from a man. In this case it escalated very quickly but they are always signs that something more is coming. Maybe tonight. Maybe next week. Maybe two years from now. Seeing signs like this will instill instant fear in us even if it's deeply engrained and not easily recognizable. Men are built stronger than us, period. Seeing this stuff puts us into high stress fight, flight, or freeze mode as a biological precaution to remain safe. So even if he doesn't hit you, this is intimidation that is causing you high stress and fear even when it seems small.

These types are dangerous and you need to get away from them.

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Title	What's your opinion on "small violent" acts?
Author	LexiJay94
Upvotes	134
Comments	34
Date	March 19, 2021 1:04 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m8gsnq/whats_your_opinion_on_small_violent_acts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/whats-your-opinion-on-small-violent-acts.1190594 https://theredarchive.com/post/1190594

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