"policing of emotions"?

ButterfliesHurricane · 2022-04-08T17:41:55+00:00

Ex husband, constantly cornering me when I was trying to express how unhappy I was and wanted out. And then for hours brainwashing me that I had absolutely no reason to be unhappy and therefore there was something wrong with me. What did I do until I could leave? I completely shut down, did not share any little bit of emotion (narcissists feed off our emotions) and I put all my energy in preparing my exit, planning carefully and keeping it all to myself, with a little help from my friends.

cutekittensmeow · 2022-04-08T19:34:53+00:00

My ex treated my emotions as weapons designed specifically to hurt him. All of my emotions, even the positive ones.

When I was sad and was crying because my cat died less than an hour ago he yelled at me and told me that my crying was making him feel bad. I still remember the words he said "Why are you always so selfish? Don't you know how shitty I feel when you cry like this."

I had gotten tickets to my favorite podcast and was so excited, like completely ecstatic. On the way to the theater he pulled over to yell at me because I was acting "too happy" and it made him feel really guilty because he didn't even want to see this show with me. After yelling at me while I apologize for being too happy for 15 min we ended up not going anyway because it would have made him feel even worse.

When we were together I wasn't allowed to be happy or sad, I just had to be pleasant all the time.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-04-08T19:43:13+00:00

Raise your hand if you’ve heard some iteration of “And then you cry and it makes ME the asshole”.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-04-08T17:21:49+00:00

Honestly, I've yet to meet a man who is comfortable with others' emotions in the way women are. The majority shy away, some try to guilt you or ghost you if they feel bad in response to you expressing anything that isn't happy only to reemerge later, and the worst will say things like "your emotions are wrong" and tell you they don't feel that way so you have no right to.

As for what you can do, you leave. If it's family or a live-in partner, you make your exit plan and grey rock in the meantime but remember that grey rocking is not meant for long term use and harms you too.

Throwitaway_72946 · 2022-04-08T18:50:36+00:00

My father, still to this day does this.

As an adult, I disengage and leave, sometimes I'll give him attitude first. In my heart I know he truly believes he's never wrong and there's nothing I can do about it, but distance myself.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-04-08T20:52:25+00:00

Every man I’ve dated did this. I no longer express my emotions around men, or tell them things about my history with sexual assault or mental illness. They would just use it against me. You can’t cry around them or be vulnerable. And if we are in an argument you have to be calm and collected at all times. Never get emotional or they will use that against you to invalidate your point. It’s always something. It sucks having to keep your guard up 24/7 even with someone that’s supposed to be your partner. You can never really trust them

Smolfrend · 2022-04-08T18:58:40+00:00

LVX did this All. The. Time. He said something that triggered my trauma? I made him make me cry obviously. I'm happy about getting a job? Whatever, I should be focusing on school not stupid part time jobs. I'm sad about something and need support? He's busy, going out with friends, talk later. Or, hey his day was amazing, why am I sad, I should be happy for him! I'm angry at him for doing the same thing he told me not to do to him? No, I'm definitely gaslighting him, he's innocent and what he meant means more than what he actually said/did.

I could go on and on but that scrote isn't worth the calories burned typing lol

Platipus6 · 2022-04-08T20:27:02+00:00

Man yells, I yell back, then man uses me yelling as a reason why what I said was invalid.

meetme__atsunset · 2022-04-08T19:49:48+00:00

I don't think I've ever had any sort of relationship with a man (familial, platonic, or romantic) where they could accept my feelings as is. Every single one has tried to debate my feelings. The last LVX I dumped specifically because he would try to convince me my feelings were wrong. If I told him how I liked to be comforted he claimed I was "trying to control [him]." 🙄

ImpatientMudcrab · 2022-04-08T20:54:46+00:00

Very common. A lot of men, particularly narcissists, may express emotions only to manipulate and they assume that's what you're doing. My ex loved to insult me on a variety of things he knew I was self conscious about and then call me manipulative for crying. He would laugh or smirk or roll his eyes when I was upset, frustrated, hurt, whatever emotion I had was a joke to him. "It's impossible to listen to you when you take that tone. How can you expect me to take you seriously when you can't even control yourself. I never get that way." He was always perfectly calm in arguments, which always made me feel childish and illogical. But it's no wonder he could stay calm, I wasn't insulting, belittling, or being condescending and cruel to him, yet he was all those things to me. I interrupted him only when he had been non-stop lecturing and not giving me room to talk, he interrupted after I barely got a few words in and presumed he already knew what I was going to say. My interruptions were disrespectful, unacceptable, proof of how horrible I am, but his interruptions were "reasonable" and stopping me from "lying". Of course I was emotionally invested, I cared about him, I cared about us. I hated the mistreatment, and I knew he was being unfair. Of course he wasn't emotional, he had been taught from an early age how to cut himself off from emotion and empathy (both from the social conditioning men go through and from witnessing his dad abuse his mom). He didn't really care about the arguments he brought to me, he cared about the thrill he got from exerting power over someone else. It's easy to be calm when it's a game you can't lose because only you know you're playing and you make up the rules as you go.

Your question "what to do if you can't leave instantly" has me concerned, but I am also not sure exactly what you mean by it. Make every effort to get away from a person who has no empathy. There is no point in arguing with somebody who doesn't care. If they are blocking your exit and insisting you stay, they are 100% abusive. Start recording the interaction, I don't know where you live but that is illegal where I am, and many other places.

If it's a work place setting and you can't leave because of that, find a way to be alone, even for a moment. Men like that don't want you to have room to gather your thoughts, because that would undo all the work he put in to scramble them. Go to the restroom, get a drink of water or coffee, anything for a mental break. If you can't do any of that, stop listening to him and focus just on your breathing for a few breathes. Ask yourself what the main point you want to get across is, and find a way to word it as briefly and bluntly as possible. Say it as calmly as you can, and end the discussion. If he tries to hook you back in, either say nothing or repeat your short statement from before.

It's a good idea to reflect on arguments where you are accused of being "illogical and emotional". Did he say something inflammatory? Did it seem deliberate? Did it upset you because it reminded you of past trauma? Do you think your emotions were reasonable given the circumstance? Were you not feeling particularly emotional until after he accused you of it? Never take a man's word for it.

Most importantly forgive yourself if you really were being sensitive. Being sensitive doesn't mean a person can be disrespectful to you, and it certainly doesn't invalidate your perspective.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-04-08T23:36:25+00:00

Every man always does as a form of manipulation and control.

Even the “good” ones have ingrained misogyny that makes them trivialize and minimize real and true feelings- as long as they are women’s feelings.

I typically say “My feelings are valid” and let them twist in the wind trying to explain that they’re not.

Gerltofen · 2022-04-08T19:03:14+00:00

Oh yeah very common, every man I dated.

Most men only care about your feelings when it's convenient for them. Otherwise they don't even want to see it and will do their best to either invalidate and make you doubt (therefore shutting you up) or they will do their best to turn it back on you and make themselves out to be the victim as a punishment for having normal human emotions.

I'm pretty controlled with my emotions, have been since childhood so if I get to the point where we're debating the validity of my feelings I'm on the verge of a full on hissy fit (and that's a nice way of putting it, my rage is cold and calculated). If I can't leave instantly then I either grey-rock and plan my exit, or I turn their own tactics back on them. Ask him why he feels that your feelings are up for debate? Why he thinks only his are right? I also like to start repeating the stuff they say to me but about their ridiculous bullshit back on them and it usually throws them off long enough that I can make my escape. But, I am a sassy witch who's been through this roller coaster a couple hundred times so I've learned to shut that shit down early.

The thing is, when they start this shit you don't have to listen to them. Leave. Vote with your feet and gtfo. If they try to stop you, if they lay a hand on you, call the police. Embarass them, make it hurt to treat you badly. Then yeet them like a sack of garbage into the dumpster at the soonest opportunity.

FDS-MAGICA · 2022-04-08T20:52:51+00:00

Whenever I argue about politics with my older republican cousin, he acts super calm and smug the whole time, as if this is some kind of game where if you get mad about anything you lose. I, unfortunately, just get angrier and angrier as he says dumb shit like "homeless shelters have places for homeless people to charge their phones! They're not poor!" and "Republicans don't hate gay people! Name me one time where Republicans have discriminated against gays." (I name one, and he says "that's the South, so that doesn't count").

Of course it's easy for him to act this way, since as a white middle class male the status quo is working for him and there's no reason to be angry at the establishment and want to change things.

This image will never not be relevant: https://i.imgur.com/HtUzSVz.jpg

DarbyGirl · 2022-04-08T20:55:45+00:00

My ex said I shouldn't be upset about not getting the raise amount at work I felt I deserved because "it's just business". Also said I shouldn't be upset about losing both my dad and my 10 year old cat in the span of a month because "they're in a better place now".

thebonecarrier · 2022-04-08T23:06:32+00:00

XH and I were driving in the car to go to dinner. I was happily talking about charting my cycle and how my raised temps meant we might finally be successful in conceiving this month. He yelled at me that I was ruining the experience for him by turning it into a science experiment. The next day, I had a positive pregnancy test. From then on, any emotion I expressed about pregnancy or motherhood was met with annoyance and disdain. That was ‘my thing’ and why would I bother him about it? About halfway through my pregnancy, I had a shitty day and called him crying about it. I said all I wanted to do was come home and eat leftover cheese fries. By the time I got home, he had eaten them himself. He then tried to gaslight me that I’d told him he could eat them and I just didn’t remember. When that didn’t work, he got angry with me for ‘being a bitch about it’, which resulted in me offering makeup sex to appease him. Towards the end of pregnancy, I was unable to sleep because my body was so uncomfortable. After I cried to him about it, he decided to throw out my body pillow and every soft comfy pillow I used to prop up my belly. When I protested, he tried to tell me it was for health reasons because the pillows were so old, and he was actually doing me a favour. There is more, but whatever!

PinkestMango · 2022-04-08T22:44:42+00:00

"You don't get to decide that"

"I don't remember asking for your opinion"

"Who do you imagine you are to ask me that?"

krissycole87 · 2022-04-08T21:22:51+00:00

see: gaslighting

Huge manipulation tactic, watch out for this type of sh*t at all costs

klepz100 · 2022-04-09T02:31:04+00:00

Our feelings do not matter to them. The only time they care about how we feel is when they are using them against us to validate their bad behaviors and mistreatment and abuse.

Try to talk to ANY LVM about something he did that hurt you. He will completely invalidate your feelings by blaming you for causing him to be that way.

Platipus6 · 2022-04-09T01:07:48+00:00

Every single one. It's like they turn into triggered toddlers clutching at mummy's skirt, overwhelmed by the fear of abandonment and starvation if mummy is having an emotion.

I found some extremely distressing news while in the car and this fucker pulled right off the freeway from 100km/h to scream at me "what's wrong, tell me what's wrong!!!". I had to soothe HIM while I was having my own meltdown.

Comfort me NOW, articulately explain your emotions NOW, soothe my anxiety NOW lol who gives a fuck what you're feeling and why, it's me having important emotions.

"You're not happy?? tell me what's wrong, was it something I did, am I about to be dumped? no? ok I don't care, all good. Stop crying please"

"You're cheerful?? What's up, who else made you happy, are you getting someone else's dick?? no? ok cool this doesn't concern me. Stop being cheerful near me unless I did it"

"You're upset? How? I have the right to verbally abuse you and you have to take it, it's what God put you here for. Any tears are just manipulative to get me to stop having my God-given fun"

There's a scene in "Manhunt, deadly games" where the alleged bomber's mom is upset so she goes into her room to cry and he knocks on her door like said panicky child, saying "mom, mom, mom, mom" until she has to cut her emotions short and comfort him and I'm like holy shit they nailed it.

ultblue7 · 2022-04-08T22:06:10+00:00

Idk about debate but Ive had an ex completely ignore my emotions. Almost as if it were something for me to handle completely by myself. I was as good as single. Beside that he would call me needy and say it was a joke or even that my male coworkers would have handled a certain work situation better.

Eta: There was this one instance where I called my ex crying about my work situation and he lectured me. We ended up saying hurtful things to one another and I apologized for even calling. Called my mom right after and she gave me exactly what I needed; just someone who listened and wanted me to be comfortable. Ill never forget the contrast.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2022-04-09T02:55:29+00:00

My NVX husband used to say that I was "overreacting" to a fucking heart attack. I have heart failure (due to an ED which he activley tried to trigger) and I am a 3 time survivor of a heart attack. Other than that, drawing boundaries was being "masculine and aggressive", being clinically depressed was "hormones", and having flashbacks was "trying to get attention". Glad I left his dusty ass.

thowawaywookie · 2022-04-09T10:08:52+00:00

I've discovered the only acceptable emotions to them are one's that directly benefit them.

Those would be pleasant and accommodating. A neutral to smiling expression at all times on your face bit not too smiling.

Listening attentively giving your undivided attention no matter how long he drones on in a self important monologue.

Dont ever be sad, tired, ill, angry, too happy, hurt.

He is allowed to be angry, ill , tired, sulk, stomp around, for any reason at any time.

MeanWhatISay · 2022-04-09T07:29:41+00:00

I mean it’s quite funny to me how men do this shit, then turn around and scream how women have no empathy for men.

mandoa_sky · 2022-04-09T01:18:47+00:00

with my ex. he was the one who messed up but told me my "reaction" was bigger than it was.

on hindsight my mum does it a lot to me too - telling me my emotions are "larger than they should be"

didn't leave the guy due to a bad case of sunk cost fallacy at the time - a good round of therapy has helped me out there.

can't really ditch the mum since we get along fine outside of emotional-related stuff.

DrildoBagurren · 2022-04-09T13:10:33+00:00

Yeah. My dad didn't let me have any feelings or even speak directly to him because it was "rude" so I grew up believing that having feelings or needs would make other.people uncomfortable.

Then I had an ex who expected me to take it very seriously every time he got angry or upset over something minor or would lash out at me over something which was nothing to do with me.

But i was never allowed to be upset about anything.

For example, he'd make promises to me and just neglect to keep them or even tell me that his plans had changed. I never said anything until he left me alone with a newborn and my phone was broken. He said he'd be half an hour but he didn't come back til early hours the next morning. When I got really worried and asked him why he couldn't have just dropped back to let me know, he told me that I "had no reason to be upset and I was choosing to be negative. " Like. .. that just got worse and it turned out he was.abusive. I feel like if I would have been raised to know that I was allowed to have feelings about the way people treated me instead of constantly trying to accommodate them, then I wouldn't have put up with that ex.

I still have trouble getting angry unless I see.something absolutely heinous happening and it gets to the point where adrenaline takes over and im shaking and everything. When someone hurts me now even when I know I should be offended and say something, I just end up going home and feeling sad lol. It isn't easy to own your emotions and stand up for yourself tbh.

People always talk about men suppressing their emotions, but the only ones they suppress are the caring or "soft" emotions, the internal ones. Women, we get told that our feelings are mere annoyances and don't need to be taken seriously. We're always second guessing whether we might be overreacting. And we're very careful not to fall into the "hysterical woman" trope. Or get accused of it being "that time of the month" or "menopause" or whatever.

queeninprogress · 2022-04-09T14:05:12+00:00

The entire concept of FWB. It's YOUR fault if you get hurt because YOU shouldn't have had normal human emotions/should be able to control what you feel according to what suits him. (Ex friend of mine got angry with me when I said I was hurt that he'd even brought up the prospect of FWB. How dare I be hurt, that makes him look like the bad guy and he's NOT a fuckboy!)

katiekat0214 · 2022-04-12T19:32:01+00:00

Plenty of times with first husband. I'd get louder, more insistent, and just NOT EVER GIVE UP until he heard me or he just gave up. I was GOING to be understood. Finally, though, that uphill battle got to be way too much and I realized he just didn't care and had little if any empathy himself. I started the process of leaving very soon after. With late second husband, never any issue being understood, same with family and good friends.

2022-04-11T15:06:15+00:00

[permanently deleted]

No-your-mother · 2022-08-24T12:02:50+00:00

Could I speak to the man in charge?

Title	"policing of emotions"?
Author	LexiJay94
Upvotes	567
Comments	74
Date	April 8, 2022 5:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tz8b7s/policing_of_emotions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/policing-of-emotions.1110751 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110751

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