Your Masturbation Fantasies Cannot Be Self-Degrading, Abusive or Rapey Because You Are Conditioning Yourself for Getting Off Of Abuse, You Are Teaching Yourself That You Deserve to Be Abused

Since the dawn of my own sexuality, I found myself enjoying abusive fantasies in my imagination while masturbating. These fantasies are such as being called degrading names, slapping, spanking, somewhat consentual force, bondage, being unable to scream etc. I was very ashamed of this until I started using internet and realised almost ALL women have such masturbation fantasies where their autonomy is restricted. I've read many articles and books about it, including "we love female orgasm" book, and they all convinced me that it's okay and normal to have such fantasies. The main argument is that since it's happening in your imagination, you're the one in complete control, so for example a rape fantasy is not harmful to your mental health as technically you are controlling everything. I was convinced that my abusive fantasies does not mean that I want to be abused in real life.

While it is true that what I imagine does not give people permission to abuse me, it is frustrating that it is never ever ever accepted by libfem media that such fantasies pave the way for abusers. In reality, I was conditioning myself to get sexual pleasure from abuse. I was conditioning myself that I am not worthy and I deserve to be treated badly.

For starters, the fact that almost all women have rapey fantasies doesn't make it healthy automatically. It means that almost all women are somewhat conditioned to hate themselves. It gives us a huge clue about how we raise girls. Somehow, almost all women in anywhere in the world masturbate to being degraded, called names and restrained by ropes whereas almost NONE men masturbate to being degraded. I haven't seen masses of men online saying I come off of thinking about a woman treating me I'm shit biting my genitals whereas I saw masses of women say so. Coincidence? It's a great subject for another post, so I'll skip why women hate themselves so much issue for now.

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-If you are masturbating to imaginative abuse scenarios, you are conditioning yourself to get attracted to abusive men. You're literally teaching your brain to sexually enjoy abuse. At the begining, you obviously do not desire everything you imagine. You start slow. You start with one soft spank, some "innocent" degrading names like "whore", and slowly normalise abuse in imagination, years after years, you build-up that courage to make it happen in your real sexual life, and there you go, now you're into BDSM without realising how you get there. These women do not wake up one day and decide to orgasm to being degraded. They masturbate to the very idea of abuse for years, they practise it in their minds and then finally they reach out to actual men. You feel condifent that they are strictly in your imagination for now, but how about 10 years later? How about a time when you feel so bad about yourself that you want to do something risky? You cannot be 100% sure that you'll never try these out as long as you keep mentally practising them. Cut it off. Cut it for good.

-You are giving yourself the idea that you should be degraded, mistreated, used, abused and restricted without realising. Our brains learn by repeatation. The more you repeat an idea or a behavior, the more you learn it to be true and make it automatic. Repeatation yields long-term automation of thinking and behavior (called habit) by creating neural patterns which are hard to detect and change later on. Such underlying patterns unfold in your most unconscious behaviors, in your daily activities, from the way you treat your body to the way you speak to yourself in your mind. Therefore, it affects every aspect of you. You cannot be cuming to the imagination of being disrespected and also be the high value women that everyone respects. It doesn't work that way. This habit will show in your small behaviors. Solve the problem from its root cause: quit masturbating to abusive scenarios you've created in your mind.

I am so sick of the narrative that our fantasies are seperate from out mental health, like the recent FDS podcast stated. No, it is fucking not. If you are getting off of by degrading yourself in your imagination, you need help. I am not telling this to make you feel bad about yourself. I am telling this to make you realise your undiagnosed problems and unhealed traumas. This "if it's on imagination, everything is fine" narrative causes people to become blind to their problems. If I had seen online many people considering this as a symptom of self-destruction, childhood traumas and self-loathing, I would've seek help EARLIER.

So, How to Solve?

1. Quit masturbating to anything less than highly respectful, loving, kind and compassionate in your imagination IMMEDIATELY. It will be hard in the start, you'll have trouble orgasming, it may take longer for you to climax, but trust me, your body will adjust to this new routine in a week or so. This is very important. Never allow yourself to indulge in bad behavior fantasies.

2. Read self-help books about lack of self love, low self esteem and childhood traumas to increase your awareness about how your deeply-rooted self-destructive beliefs are showing in your actions. In FDS book recommendation section, there are a variety of great books.

3. Seek therapy. But I still recommend reading a lot. Healing is a multi-dimensional process, so you should feed yourself with help material as much as possible.

4. Do whatever works for you to forgive yourself, to let go of negative beliefs and be kind to yourself. I personally enjoy hypnosis/ meditation videos with titles like "forgiveness", "innerchild work", "connecting with higher self" etc. Find the one that you like. I personally like Michael Sealey's approach.

5. Never tell men you have such fantasies currently or you had them in the past. Never discuss fantasies over text. They may use it to assualt you and then use it against you in the court.

6. You're not alone <3 Almost all women are raised to be sexually exploited and to exploit herself as well.

I have been into self-healing and therapy for 5+ years now, I've spent my entire early 20's working on my childhood issues. What I realised is that, the more I started to love myself, my less temptation I felt to fantasize such abusive scenarios. I didn't even work spesifically on this, it happens naturally when you start respecting and loving yourself more. Also, FDS opened my eyes for abuse. Now I only allow myself to imagine respecting man in bed calling me love, beautiful etc and treating me with massages, compliments, kindness and compassion. It works queens!