One of the key tenets here at MRP has been to just focus on yourself. STFU, lift, and sidebar, amirite. Save the man, not the marriage. Hoo rah. If you look back historically at the seduction community, such as SoSuave and alt.seduction.fast, there was more of a focus on understanding women and what makes them tick. Here at MRP, guys typically come here through some Google search about having more sex or respect from their wife (or deadbedrooms or doing a search for ILYBINILWY), they get blindsided at the info here, stop their Nice Guy behaviors using No More Mr. Nice Guy, learn how to say No to their wife after reading When I Say No I Feel Guilty, attempt to build a frame from the resources, go hit the gym in some form or fashion, autistically shut up, and generally fumble their way to a better sex life after failing over and over while the rest of us laugh at them (or crash and burn, but hey, we need a success story around here every now and then).

What we’ll be talking about today is more evo-psych, looking at something called attachment theory, and using that to show relevance to MRP and adding a tool to the toolbox. This falls into the sidebar/know yourself category.

What is Attachment Theory

From the book Attached by Levine/Heller, “Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. In addition, people with each of these attachment styles differ in:

• their view of intimacy and togetherness • the way they deal with conflict • their attitude toward sex • their ability to communicate their wishes and needs • their expectations from their partner and the relationship

All people in our society, whether they have just started dating someone or have been married for forty years, fall into one of these categories, or, more rarely, into a combination of the latter two (anxious and avoidant). Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized category.

Over the past two decades, adult attachment research has produced hundreds of scientific papers and dozens of books that carefully delineate the way in which adults behave in close romantic ties. These studies have confirmed, many times over, the existence of these attachment styles in adults in a wide range of countries and cultures, including the United States, Australia, Canada, Germany, Israel, Italy, Portugal, the Netherlands, and the United Kingdom.

Understanding attachment styles is an easy and reliable way to understand and predict people’s behavior in any romantic situation. In fact, one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.

Other experiments have produced even more far-reaching results. Brian Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto, studies psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension and, in particular, the way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood pressure. In one of his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain elevated as long as you are in physical proximity! The implications of this study are profound: When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.”

Interesting stuff. Wouldn’t that be interesting if you can reliably understand and predict your wife’s behavior in any romantic situation. Plus there are health considerations. However, I can hear Rian and weakandsensitive mentioning that really, it’s the wife’s job for the relationship. You do what you want. To that, I would say, A. B. C. Always Be Calibrating. You have to be aware of how the game is played, and what influences are happening to you.

Secure Attachment

A secure attachment style is characterized by several key attributes:

Trust: Individuals with a secure attachment style have a strong sense of trust in themselves and others. They believe that their needs will be met, and they have confidence in the reliability and availability of their attachment figures.

Emotional Stability: People with a secure attachment style generally have a stable and balanced emotional state. They are comfortable expressing their emotions and have healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress and challenges.

Intimacy and Connection: Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with closeness and intimacy in relationships. They value emotional connection and seek out healthy, fulfilling relationships based on mutual support and understanding.

Autonomy and Independence: Despite their comfort with closeness, securely attached individuals also maintain a healthy sense of independence. They are capable of exploring the world and pursuing their own interests while still maintaining strong emotional bonds.

Effective Communication: Those with a secure attachment style possess strong communication skills. They are able to express their needs and emotions clearly and assertively, while also being receptive and empathetic to others' feelings and perspectives.

Emotional Resilience: Securely attached individuals are generally resilient in the face of challenges and setbacks. They have a positive outlook on life and are able to bounce back from difficulties with the support of their attachment figures.

Positive Self-Esteem: People with a secure attachment style tend to have a healthy self-esteem. They have a positive self-image and believe in their own worth and capabilities.

Flexibility and Adaptability: Securely attached individuals are adaptable in their relationships. They are open to change, able to adjust to new situations, and are willing to compromise when necessary.

Overall, a secure attachment style is characterized by a strong sense of trust, emotional stability, healthy intimacy, autonomy, effective communication, resilience, positive self-esteem, and adaptability. These qualities contribute to the formation of secure and satisfying relationships with others.

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style is associated with certain characteristic behaviors and traits:

Fear of Abandonment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often experience intense fear and anxiety about being abandoned or rejected by their attachment figures. This fear may lead to clingy and dependent behaviors in relationships.

Constant Need for Reassurance: People with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners. They may have a heightened sensitivity to signs of rejection or distance, leading to an increased need for verbal and physical reassurance.

Overanalyzing and Ruminating: Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to overanalyze and ruminate on relationship dynamics. They may excessively scrutinize their partner's behaviors and interpret them as signs of rejection or impending abandonment.

Jealousy and Possessiveness: Those with an anxious attachment style may exhibit jealousy and possessive tendencies in relationships. They may fear that their partner will be drawn to others or seek emotional or physical intimacy outside of the relationship.

High Emotional Reactivity: People with an anxious attachment style often experience intense emotions and may have difficulty regulating them. They may react strongly to perceived threats or relationship conflicts, leading to heightened emotional responses such as anger, sadness, or anxiety.

Difficulty with Trust: Anxious attachment style individuals may struggle with trust, often due to past experiences of inconsistent or unreliable caregiving. They may have difficulty fully trusting their partners and may seek constant reassurance to alleviate their fears.

Overdependence on Relationships: Individuals with an anxious attachment style may rely heavily on their relationships for a sense of self-worth and validation. They may prioritize their relationships above other aspects of their lives and have difficulty maintaining a healthy balance between their personal and relational needs.

Tendency to Idealize Relationships: Those with an anxious attachment style often idealize romantic relationships and have high expectations for their partners. They may believe that their partner will fulfill all their emotional needs, leading to disappointment and frustration when those expectations are not met.

It is important to note that individuals with an anxious attachment style typically desire close and secure relationships but may exhibit behaviors that inadvertently push their partners away. Understanding and addressing these attachment patterns can lead to healthier relationship dynamics and improved emotional well-being.

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style is associated with several characteristic behaviors and traits:

Emotional Distance: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often maintain emotional distance and independence in relationships. They may have difficulty expressing or acknowledging their own emotions and may seem emotionally detached or aloof to others.

Fear of Intimacy: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They may have deep-seated fears of being engulfed or controlled by others, leading them to create emotional barriers and maintain a sense of autonomy.

Independence and Self-Reliance: Those with an avoidant attachment style prioritize their independence and self-reliance. They may rely heavily on themselves for emotional support and have a tendency to avoid relying on others or seeking help in times of need.

Dismissive Attitude: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may adopt a dismissive attitude toward relationships and emotional needs. They may downplay the importance of close connections and minimize their own emotional experiences.

Reluctance to Commit: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with committing to long-term relationships. They may feel uncomfortable with the idea of long-lasting emotional bonds and may prefer to keep relationships casual or maintain a certain level of distance.

Difficulty with Trust: Those with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty trusting others and forming deep emotional connections. They may have experienced past betrayals or disappointments, leading them to be wary of relying on others for support or validation.

Self-Sufficiency: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value their independence and self-sufficiency. They may prioritize self-reliance and may be hesitant to depend on others, even in times of emotional or practical need.

Deactivating Strategies: Those with an avoidant attachment style often employ deactivating strategies to cope with emotional closeness. These strategies include suppressing emotions, avoiding discussions about feelings, or engaging in activities that distract from emotional connection.

It's important to note that individuals with an avoidant attachment style may desire connection and relationships, but they may struggle with maintaining emotional closeness and intimacy. Understanding these attachment patterns can help in developing strategies to navigate relationships more effectively and cultivate more secure and fulfilling connections.

Thanks ChatGPT for those three definitions. Saved me the time of typing them out.

Protest Behavior

From the book Attached, “Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into noticing you and responding to you.

Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. It is very important to learn to recognize them when they happen. These behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time.”

There’s also a relevant box in said book listing out different types of protest behavior:

“Protest Behavior—Letting Your Attachment System Get the Best of You

Excessive attempts to reestablish contact:

• Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her.

Withdrawing:

• Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.

Keeping score:

• Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time. When Ryan decided not to leave a message for Shauna after she screened his calls, he was keeping score (“If she’s not answering my calls, I won’t leave her a message”).

Acting hostile:

• Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).

Threatening to leave:

• Making threats—“We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.

Manipulations:

• Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.

Making him/her feel jealous:

• Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.”

Now be honest. How many of you have done any of these? Fairly interesting, isn’t it. Imagine that, you have a attachment system whirling around in your brain and it’s affecting your behaviors. Like the last one, “telling your partner about someone who hit on you today”. Jack10 mentioned that in Active Dread vs Passive Dread. There are multiple tie-ins to MRP here.

SMV and Attachment

Rollo tangentially touched upon this subject on his blog - https://therationalmale.com/2013/06/20/smv-ratios-attachment/

The relevant quote is here: “Roissy once proposed that the strength and security of any relationship rests in the disparity between each person’s sexual market value. While I endorse this principle entirely, I’m going to take it a bit further. As a general principle it works well for the guy wanting to maintain his frame in an LTR, however there’s more wrapped up in that SMV disparity than I think has been explored thus far.

As I began here, SMV doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Men may have an Alpha dominance established only to have it knocked back down after failing a particularly bad shit test. He may rate lower or higher depending on a social status that’s in flux. A woman must find ways to cope with an ever decaying SMV once she reaches her SMV peak and begins her decline towards the Wall. Childbirth and rearing, weight gain, satisfying a security need, and many other factors may also accelerate this process.

What I’m going to do here is propose a general outline for SMV disparity based on the ratio between both sexes. Before you read my outlines, keep in mind the Cardinal Rule of Relationships: In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least. The overarching concept here is that the person in the relationship with the superior sexual market value will at least be perceived by the person of lesser value to need them less than the other. If it is established by concrete social proof that one person is of higher SMV than the other, it’s usually an accepted reality of that relationship, but bear in mind that it is the fluctuating perception of SMV that has more influence on the attachment and strength of that relationship.”

Initially this quote was tied to Relationship Attachment, but I’m going to take it into a bit of a different direction. Your SMV influences your relationship, which ties into how you relate and are attached to each other. Your SMV is very relevant to how you interact with your wife, and how your wife interacts with you. As example, as you increase your SMV, very likely this will provoke insecurity and anxiety in your wife, inducing behaviors that lead to her having an anxious attachment style. Is this good? Bad? Indifferent? The mere increase of SMV can move someone from one attachment style to another. Be aware of this fact.

How The Fuck This Applies to MRP

So, now that you have a basic idea about secure, anxious, and avoidant styles, how would this be applicable to MRP? First off, you should take a hard look at yourself. It’s important to recognize what sort of attachment you have and your relationship to your wife. Why? That feeds into the “be attractive, don’t be unattractive” line we quote around here. What attachment style do you have, and what unattractive behaviors is that causing? For example, say you have an anxious attachment style. Perhaps this anxious attachment style is causing you to be a Dancing Monkey. To take a quote from that post, “A hawt, ripped boy-toy with some game can attract women for a STR or ONS, but the attraction quickly fades if you're still just a pedestalizing, people-pleasing pussy who can't or won't stand up for himself, and actively assert himself and lead rather than just withdraw by leaving or STFU when challenged.”

Second of all, take a hard look at your wife. In the interest of leading the hamster through the maze, you can recognize how your wife attaches to you, and calibrate accordingly. If you are in the anger phase, you can really fuck it up, so here’s some dynamite go to town go work on your anger phase.

As an example, say you again are new to MRP, and you are in this cycle of Anxiously Initiate Sex - Rejected - Become Butthurt and Avoidant - Get Angry - Anger makes you Horny - Anxiously Initiate Sex - Rejected and the cycle continues (mostly because you are fat and unattractive). Maybe you just jump to Avoidant because you’re sick and tired of initiating, and you’re angry at your wife, and you’re really angry at yourself because of how low you’ve sunk. And your wife is exhibiting all the classic symptoms of Avoidant. Recognizing how you are attaching to your wife, and how your wife is attaching to you, allows you to begin the steps to change behaviors.

Or perhaps you are going through or have finished a divorce. You may have sat down with a therapist because, let’s be honest, going through a divorce is one of life’s largest stressors, and it’s worth evaluating to see whether or not you should talk to a therapist. It would be worth looking historically at if you had a poor attachment style and how you can fix that for the future. Perhaps it made you unattractive. Perhaps it didn’t. It’s worth looking at so you don’t make the same mistakes over and over. Maybe you’ve evaluated yourself and you have a Anxious attachment style, which causes you to put your wife up on a pedestal. I’m going to give you a news flash – if you put your wife up on a pedestal, all she can do is look down on you. Maybe you should stop your Anxious tendencies.

You get the idea.

Paint Is Not To Be Eaten

Say that you just got to MRP, your mind is spinning with thoughts of STFUing and getting laid, and you come across this post talking about attachment styles. You may think to yourself, oh, looky here, I found the keys to the kingdom. No. None of this is to supersede general principles. Be attractive, don’t be unattractive. Build a solid frame. Become attractive to all women, not just your wife. This post is merely a supplement (or yet another suppository), so that you recognize your unattractive behaviors and the influences on your system.

I would also encourage you in your readings to be discerning. For example, there is a quote about how you should wear your heart on your sleeve in one of the books. I don’t have to tell you how that falls into the unattractive side of the house.

News flash, this is not a cure all. Taking a moment to understand how attachment plays a part in your relationship does not mean you do not get out of doing the work.

Finally, don’t go blabbing to your wife about how you are SURE that she has an avoidant attachment style and that she needs to fix that so you can have the sexy times. Wait, scratch that. Go try it. For science. And report back on how her panties dropped. All field reports welcome.

For those who are therapists or psychiatrists, and I know we have a few on the boards, I would be interested in hearing your take on things.