Excellent post about women "harmlessly" hitting men. (x-post r/bestof)

Jesus_marley · 2013-07-21T17:27:22+00:00

She told me she was so scared of how angry I got that she thought I was going to seriously harm her.

This is a pattern of abuse, escalation, and literal victim blaming (i.e. "you're the bully" and using tone arguments to justify an inequitable response).

If anyone finds themselves in this situation they need to get out. Gender politics be damned.

TheMightyCheng · 2013-07-21T17:44:32+00:00

That thread is an interesting read. Quite a few blokes telling their tales of being abused - and a few where they basically told their SO "Do that again and I hurt you" at which point the (physical) abuse stops.

Then I had a look in the parent thread and there is a certain amount of "Girls hitting guys can't do as much damage so it's not as important." going on.

Facepalm

Plus at least one idiot claiming that since women were routinely beaten up by their husbands in ye olde days, women knocking their menfolk around is therefore OK.

randomfaces · 2013-07-21T18:43:14+00:00

Not a single person admitted their opinion was changed by my story.

I was shocked.

fukuaneveryoneuknow · 2013-07-21T21:32:16+00:00

She told me she was so scared of how angry I got that she thought I was going to seriously harm her.

Hit me in the face while I'm driving(endangering the drivers life, passenger, and every other MOTHERFUCKER ON THE FUCKING ROAD), slap me, punch me, throw easily breakable and in that respect sharp objects at me, but don't you dare get mad at me about it, I'll fear for my safety.

Holy shit.....

Who ever this woman is needs to end herself and stop polluting the gene pool.

I have no fucking patience for these kind of self-absorbed people so concerned with their safety, their problems, etc.

Bukkake_Monster · 2013-07-21T17:57:16+00:00

I remember once at school (grade 6 or 7), a girl from my class slapped me on my cheek for pointing out that her T-shirt was funny (and it was). I wouldn't say I wasn't physically hurt, since she put a lot of effort into that slap (and I fought a few times and can ignore pain really well). But I was mostly shocked. I felt weird because, you know, we are all taught to "never hit a girl". But now she hit me and I really wanted to strike her back, but could not. Then I forgot about it.

Few years later, in summer camp, girl pushed me few times because I wrote her a valentines card on a piece of toilet paper (yes, that was intentional, she was acting like a jerk to everyone in our group). It wasn't even profane. I couldn't strike her back.

Last month, a girl on the street grabbed my buttock and ran laughing away with her other female friend. I didn't feel violated or molested, I was just staying there thinking "what the actual fuck?"

My point is, the next time something like this happens, bitch is getting her lip busted open. Fuck the system!

SLTSTL · 2013-07-22T18:34:46+00:00

My ex-wife was quite the violent one. Thing was, she weighs all of 115lbs. No one would ever take it seriously. During our relationship I was attacked in all sorts of ways, from serious things like crashing the car or throwing knives, to funny ones, like boxes of Christmas tree lights and sodas. I never came close to striking back. Fast forward 2 years after the divorce, and she's getting an annulment so she can marry lucky guy #2 who happens to be Catholic. Anyways, I was floored to read all the testimonies from her friends and family. After the divorce, she had been telling everyone that I was the violent one. It was humorous in the sheer amount of absurdity. Several people wrote about how she even had to sleep on the couch with our dog to protect herself from me. The same dog that loved me and would never harm me. The same dog that she kept in the divorce only to put down several months afterwards simply out of spite. But everyone sees her as an innocent angel who was lucky to escape my evil clutches. Girls really can run unchecked, and its pretty wild when you're on the receiving end of it. There's not a lot you can do, though, except get out of the situation and not look back.

JaydenPope · 2013-07-21T20:17:40+00:00

Theres no such thing as "harmless" when either a man or woman hits cause both genders have varying strengths and weaknesses so saying a woman hitting a man and it being harmless is just inexcusable.

falconheart · 2013-07-21T18:33:06+00:00

I'm glad to see some other guys that think the gender bias regarding violence is insane. The teaching that you should never hit a woman gives them too much control over the situation.

randomfaces · 2013-07-22T04:26:02+00:00

She told me she was so scared of how angry I got.

File a protection order immediately to get her out of the house before she turns around and does it to you first.

mikesteane · 2013-07-22T08:58:21+00:00

...took her food outside, threw it on the ground, and told her that she could eat outside like an animal or go hungry. And she did go hungry that night. I told her that being violent against me was unacceptable and that she would not be under my roof if that happened again.

The right thing to do with that behaviour from her.

cody_au · 2013-07-22T01:19:57+00:00

That fucking sucks.

But that said, to borrow a phrase from women, what about the kind of violence where they aren't hitting you, and just slowly destroying your life with their other mind games? Emotional violence is important too.

2013-07-22T16:09:30+00:00

The problem with being hit of course it evokes a response. I've had many girlfriends beat on me and I did not return the favor. Sometimes it was worse then others but I never hit back. I wanted to but I couldn't though because it is ingrained in my mind I cannot.. so I let them beat me. It is wrong this goes on .. a lot and unreported.

2013-07-24T15:15:22+00:00

Feminist Explanation: He must have been Gaslighting her. No woman would ever act like this.

Bohica69 · 2013-07-21T19:03:32+00:00

WTF didn't you dump her? WHY!? She has problems, don't make them yours. DTMFB.

LemonDropLollipop · 2013-07-21T23:50:39+00:00

To preface this comment: I hope either Randomfaces is no longer involved in this situation, or at least her therapy has made the situation better. I am not defending the abuser's actions, I just know why she might have been "scared" (she always feels like the victim). Mraproto is right that for abusers this is part of an overall pattern to justify their abuse. But I am focusing on how an abuser would feel "scared", because I see a parallel between how the abuser could be scared of the abused and how women are popularly encouraged to blame men/patriarchy even as men's rights are trampled upon (if you want specific examples, just read some of the other posts in this reddit).

The OP said that when he finally got angry, she became scared of how angry he got. This is because she is very defensive of herself but oblivious to how she hurts him. People can have a pattern of being in that victim mind-set. At some point they may have been victims (i.e. her dysfunctional family dynamic), but that point is long gone, and now they are adults who don't realize (or in denial of) how their actions affect others and yet are very sensitive to the actions of others against them.

I say this as someone who's been through a lot of shit and sometimes I get into the victim mind-set when it is accidentally triggered by people in my life. When this happens, I feel genuinely hurt because I am really feeling old hurts. Over time I have learned how easy it is to move past that mindset. I take a second to remember my old hurts, then it's as simple as taking a deep breath, putting on my big-girl pants, and realizing I'm a grown-up now and the past is the past. I'm accountable for my own actions and the world is not out to get me.

It's awful that such an unhealthy victim mindset is so prevalent, even rationalized and encouraged by the double-standard that men hitting women is abuse & women are allowed to hit men because they're "weak". Such a double standard makes it harder for male victims and female perpetrators to take the abuse seriously, whereas physical abuse towards a women is taken very seriously (i.e. the abundance of shelters exclusively for female victims).

There are real victims. men and women who suffer abuse, such as the OP. Feeling victimized/hurt is no excuse for abusing someone else.

I wish that the message spread to both abusers and abuse victims is to take charge of your life by looking closely at how you treat others and to have healthy realistic standards for how you let people treat you. No one is perfect, but no one should be beating on someone else when they are angry either! It sucks to think of my own gender as "opressed" in the past, but that doesn't mean I or any other woman has the right to generalize all men as oppressive abusive animals just waiting to rape and beat us all, or to say it is always women who are the victims.

And that's my rant for the day...

rightsbot · 2013-07-21T16:02:17+00:00

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crankypants15 · 2013-07-22T12:52:35+00:00

The end results of these events were her feeling deeply ashamed and getting so depressed I worried about self-harm.

Um, at least she's thinking that what she did was wrong, even though she had little self-control over herself. Still, she needs professional help, and abuse is not acceptable.

If I had responded by either leaving her or treating the first physical incident as a serious thing and not something harmless, none of the escalation would have happened.

Well, that's not how mental illness generally works. Sometimes people have enough willpower to overcome the impulses of their mental illness, sometimes not. You can't really generalize that if you do X, then Y will happen. What you DO need to do is cover yourself legally. If there's any evidence at all, a broken plate, dent in the wall, bruises, call the police and make a report. Get a paper trail going on her. Even if you just need it to claim self-defense at some point.

Just my opinion.

fluxBurns · 2013-07-22T06:44:22+00:00

In modern society, a woman hitting a man is nearly just as bad as the reverse. It is the intent, the psychological damage and inability to fight back that count. Not the physical force. I have had accidental falls etc, but someone hitting me and not being able to do anything bothers me much more.

JasinNat · 2013-07-22T05:28:21+00:00

I don't see the issue. Why can't men hit women playfully? Are women delicate flowers that one touch will cause them to shatter?

Title	Excellent post about women "harmlessly" hitting men. (x-post r/bestof)
Author	Disillusi0n
Upvotes	245
Comments	85
Date	July 21, 2013 4:00 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1ir6aa/excellent_post_about_women_harmlessly_hitting_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/excellent-post-about-women-harmlessly-hitting-men.1168285 https://theredarchive.com/post/1168285

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