How certain do you think someone should be that their relationship will not play out as both partners intend before they’re ethically obligated to end the relationship?

leosandlattes · 2025-01-25T02:26:31+00:00

If I feel with >50% certainty this relationship will not work out, I am gone. And usually this coincides with boundaries I have set for myself or behaviors from someone else that I just don’t accept in a relationship.

You should be continuously vetting your partner right up until you get married. If I have any doubts that we cannot get through something, that the relationship will probably fail over it, I am leaving. And I’d leave well before marriage or anything like that.

Commercial-Formal272 · 2025-01-25T07:52:18+00:00

There is a point of realization that a relationship is doomed to end and is not your endgame. This realization is rarely at a time personally convenient for dropping the relationship and losing whatever benefits you were getting from it, so many will wait to create a clean bridge away rather than leaping, but in turn ambush their ex without the same opportunity. I would argue that staying silent about the realization is staying in the relationship under false pretenses and mildly predatory. It would be better to be upfront about the temporary nature of the relationship so neither party is blindsided and both have the opportunity to plan the eventual breakup.

growframe · 2025-01-25T00:18:02+00:00

The only things someone "should" do in a relationship is follow the boundaries they've established with their partner. If someone isn't getting what they want out of the relationship, its on them to fix it - whether through communication, leaving or somesuch - not their partner's. I find the concept of "wasting someone's time" in a relationship to be silly; you're far more in control of how you spend your "dating time" than anyone else. It's on you to track it.

Actively seeking and/or entertaining a new partner before ending the relationship

Most would consider this a form of cheating, so obviously it would be wrong to do

Realizing that something that is unreasonable/impossible for your partner to change is a dealbreaker for you, but not ending the relationship

They don't have any obligation to leave the relationship, but it'd be unreasonable to know this, stay and then complain that this dealbreaker is making you upset.

Telling friends or family that you know the relationship will not work out, before having that discussion with your partner or ending the relationship

I don't see any real issue with this.

Please include in your comment the approximate percentage of certainty that the relationship will not work out at which someone should end the relationship.

People should leave relationships when they're unsatisfied with what they're putting in vs what they're they're getting in return. Dating is a completely social activity, insisting on hard and fast rules instead of letting people decide on their own rules and find what works for them is silly in my opinion.

missmireya · 2025-01-25T02:49:34+00:00

When I was living with an ex many moons ago, it took me years to figure out that he was a dumbass.

Basically, I knew it was over when we were barely keeping our heads above water financially, and he ruined a really good job opportunity. It was easily double what he was currently making with really good benefits. I had zero respect left for him after he screwed that up. I ended up leaving a few months later.

Edit: I'd say if you have more than 25% uncertainty its over. At least for me it's over and done. I can't deal with more than a quarter of someone elses bullshit.

flipsidetroll · 2025-01-25T07:55:59+00:00

There is a weird wave (and it seems to be mostly Americans) who have zero conflict resolution skills. Everything MUST be perfect or that means that it is completely wrong. Someone MUST agree with you 100% or it means they completely disagree with you. So feminists and redpillers push the same agenda that your partner must agree with everything and all your rules or they encourage you to dip out. And that is making a generation of young people who can’t hold jobs and play the victim, and who can’t socialise, and people who scream phobia when anyone disagrees with them.

Many things may seem insurmountable, but until you all learn to communicate, even when you feel “betrayed”, you will never know exactly what the other person thinks and how misunderstandings can occur.

(No one is saying stay in abusive relationships. Or cheating.)

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-01-25T09:07:48+00:00

There is no general ethical obligation unless you subscribe to that kind of ethics. With the last relationship i ended, i told her 3 weeks after i knew for sure that i am going to do it. Why? Because she had critical exams coming up that she needed to pass and could not postpone. I thought it was unethical in my value codex, to emotionally destabilize her, fuck up her living situation and remove her emotional support person in this critical time.

Looking for a new partner can be a way to determine if one is able to find someone who matches better, or if the status quo is actually already the best that is possible. I don't regard that as being a sign of being sure, that the relationship will end. It's a way of finding out if the relationship is going to end.

Thinking the grass might be greener, but then realizing it's not. Common issue in relationships.

bluepvtstorm · 2025-01-25T07:41:11+00:00

Leave early. Leave often. Life is too short to spend any time in a relationship that is going to be shit.

My grandma told me a long time ago that it’s better to leave early so you aren’t wasting my time. Anytime I see issues that show we are not compatible and I stay it becomes a shit show. More people should be honest and get out early.

It will save everyone time, money and heartache.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-01-25T02:56:01+00:00

The one who’s not happy gets to decide that.

I don’t care how long

I’m not your mommy, and you shouldn’t expect other people to be your mommy

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FineDevelopment00 · 2025-01-25T01:00:00+00:00

The way I see it, the whole point of dating is to find one's future spouse so if a person is certain he/she doesn't want to commit in marriage to who he/she is dating, then it's time to break up. Dating is to get to know each other in the romantic context and figure out whether or not they're mutually compatible for real commitment. If they are, then their relationship should organically progress to eventual marriage (timelines can vary to some extent but generally I'd advise against the two extreme ends of the spectrum which are rushing into a wedding and dragging dating out for too long.) If they're not, they should break up and move on.

MailenJokerbell · 2025-01-25T10:10:16+00:00

I currently know two guys who should have ended their relationships a long time ago.

One married, has been telling us he's going to ask for a divorce since 2019. Hasn't done it. His wife wants a house and kids. He wants none of that but refuses to let go.

Second guy is unmarried and lives with his girlfriend, but shows discomfort every time we called his girlfriend's mom his mother-in-law. One day while driving me home he clearly stated that he didn't think his gf wasn't the one and had no intentions of marrying her.

They're both good guys outside of that, I just no longer touch the topic because it's useless. I have mentioned they're being cruel by wasting their girlfriend's/wive's time like that when they know they aren't aligned.

There's many other clear reasons, like when people don't respect each other. yelling at each other, purposely doing things they know sets off their partner. It doesn't even have to be physical, the fact that there's constant friction is enough to know that you shouldn't be together. Who lives a life like that? I feel like a lot of people who live like this are also people who saw the same thing from their parents and thinks it's a normal thing to endure.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-01-25T13:46:27+00:00

If we are talking about LTRs such as marriage, I think the 70% metric would be about right.

These entail duty, which seems to be absent of most people today.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-01-25T21:49:26+00:00

I’d say it’s when you cannot honestly see yourself still happily with this person a few years from now, or your long-term plans start to exclude them. Asking “Will this matter in a year? Five years?” often helps to determine if any type of problem is a big deal or not, and this applies to relationships too. You can just be mad at your partner in the moment but still envision a future with them, or be comfortable with them at the moment but unable to envision a future with them.

hearyoume14 · 2025-01-25T23:31:24+00:00

As soon as it is reasonable. I’m used to more…structured relationships. Most of my family is religious which leads to dating for marriage. This does mean that major wants are gotten out of the way early. Unless one of the partners has a cruel streak both tend to realize at some point that they aren’t compatible enough.

I’d say over 50%. When you are mainly looking a chemistry, temperament and, problem solving skills then it tends to be more black and white.

Fancy-Statistician82 · 2025-01-26T18:35:13+00:00

Hm. A sideways perspective. Or maybe backwards looking. Really, why does a relationship need to last forever in order to be "successful"?

At one point in my early twenties I entered into a relationship with a man, we both knew it wasn't going to be forever. We were not suited to marry, politics and activism didn't line up. But we were each a bit wounded and needing companionship at that time and so we spent a very fond year together, treating each other well. We made each other meals, hung out, took hikes, gave each other good orgasms. We were at a level that we would tell each other "I adore you" and for me at least it was really a kind of love. It was healing. I had been badly treated by the previous boyfriend and having a time of knowing that a man could be reliable and sweet was really good for me.

At the beginning of it, we had some awkward talks about being physically monogamous for safety reasons, and also that we both acknowledged that we weren't going to be forever partners. I actually met my husband after a year with this sweet guy and had to give him a hug and a thank you and tell him I think I met my match, this is over. I didn't cheat, didn't overlap, I obeyed the rules we had laid out.

Two decades later we've had some rare pleasant contact, we bought an appliance from him in our home remodel, he took me to lunch one time to get some professional advice.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2025-01-25T00:19:38+00:00

Monkey branching is never acceptable, and it's a sign that someone isn't emotionally suitable for a relationship. If you need to be in a relationship to feel "whole", you'll never be capable of truly holding up your "half" of the relationship.

Relationships aren't always 50/50, sometimes theyre 60/40, or 75/25. If you can't be 100% with yourself, you can't even be counted on to do the 25 in the 75/25 portions of the relationship.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-01-25T05:43:28+00:00

not one living human thinks like this and there are no "ethics " of breaking up. are you a newborn AI?

Equal_Connect · 2025-01-25T00:27:20+00:00

Its pretty obvious only 2 weeks in. When i “dated” (it was an online girlfriend) she was crying about having to work a job so i told her she should work at a less stressful environment like a library. She fucking yells at me and calls me a bad boy friend and hangs up the phone. I should have known that shit wasnt gonna work out right there.

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