Why do you think some women settle for relationships with men who don’t share domestic responsibilities according to their preferences?

Downtown_Cat_1745 · 2025-04-27T23:56:12+00:00

I think that when people first get together, the amount of domestic responsibilities aren’t that much more for two people than they are for one, so women just suck it up. The problem gets bigger when kids enter the mix, because they can’t do anything for themselves and they need so much. If a guy doesn’t learn to step up, he’s going to be ruining his relationship.

justdontsashay · 2025-04-27T23:54:59+00:00

When my kids were little I stayed home with them and my husband (at the time) worked, so I did 100% of the household chores. Then I started working part time from home, and I still did 100%. Then when the kids were a little older I worked more and was making more than him, and I still did 100% of the household chores. In that case, I put up with it because he wasn’t going to change, and it didn’t feel like a big enough reason for my kids to have a broken family (this combined with many other issues was eventually enough that I divorced him though)

But to answer your question, most of us don’t truly see how the domestic responsibilities will be handled until we’re living together. And at that point, there’s an entire relationship, an attachment, and the division of home duties might be a source of conflict but not a big enough issue to throw away the whole relationship.

hakunaa-matataa · 2025-04-28T00:24:23+00:00

I’ve actually thought about this quite a bit. What I think happens is that men and women are both socialized pretty differently when it comes to household chores. So a good chunk of them watch their mothers do the chores and cleaning (whether or not she’s working), and watch their father work quite a bit with overtime and all that fun jazz. Cool, pretty evenly split.

So when they’re young children, they’re both taught to clean, until the young boys are taught to take on the outside chores. Because these are so labor intensive, they aren’t expected to do the “inside chores” as often because why would they be. If you’re mowing the lawn, it stands to reason that your sister should do the dusting. Still pretty evenly split.

So. Now what I think is happening is even though people (millennials and Gen Z) are watching their parents (boomers and Gen X) model these more “traditional” gender roles (because it worked for them), the millennials and Gen Z have women who are actively pursuing full time jobs. They no longer want to be the housekeeper because they want to go to work and earn money. So while women are being socialized to clean and work full time (on average), men have only been socialized to work and do chores that only need to be done once or twice a month (on average).

So I think a lot of women end up in these relationships unintentionally. I think a lot of men and women don’t see eye to eye on chores that should get done. In the beginning, both parties sell themselves as equally invested in the domestic chores, but you start to get lazy as time goes on. Both parties do. Additionally, a lot of times the work starts out very fair until children come along. Then the women begins to take on a very large role (which makes sense given that she has a lot of the milk supply so I’m not trying to scream sexism here), but I feel like a lot of men don’t begin to pick up the extra work that comes with the children because they don’t really see the amount of emotional effort that comes with raising the kids. They see continuing to go to work as their sole contribution without understanding that raising young children is a full time job.

Obviously not all men, and I am glad to see that this is starting to change drastically. But this is what I’ve seen in a lot of my friends relationships. Women end up feeling like their husband/boyfriend is another child rather than a contributing partner, and that kills the sex drive — not maliciously, but it’s hard to want to be sexually active with someone who you don’t feel is contributing equally. Dead bedroom results, the husband feels like sex is transactional, the woman feels like she isn’t being listened to, it’s just. A hot mess

IcyTrapezium · 2025-04-28T02:19:57+00:00

Well I’ve lived with a man who suddenly forgot how to put things away and even load the dishwasher after we moved in together. I’d come home to full sinks and the counters covered in things including packaging that should have been taken two feet away to the garbage.

When he lived alone he kept a much nicer place. He claimed he didn’t “see” the mess, but he sure did see it when his mother was going to visit the next day.

So sometimes we think we are signing up for shared responsibility but once we sign the lease suddenly our partner changes, often in more ways than one.

I’ve lived with three men. All three once we moved in together lost most interest in going out. All gained weight rather rapidly from eating junk food and sitting around playing video games in their time off. All but one lost the ability to clean and pick up after themselves.

I always hear women want a man to change and men want a woman to stay the same. But for me it’s the opposite . I stayed the same in terms of activity level, weight and cleanliness. The men changed and it was a pretty clear result of having me locked in with a lease.

ThatBitchA · 2025-04-28T00:15:29+00:00

I don't think women settle for relationships with men who don't share domestic responsibilities.

I think women discover a little too late how a man handles domestic responsibilities.

I think pressures to marry young, aka red pills 18-25 nonsense, creates individuals who haven't had experience managing their own domestic responsibilities.

I think men aren't taught how to manage domestic responsibilities and some refuse to learn.

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-04-28T00:24:20+00:00

A surprising amount of men know how to say and do the right thing whilst courting only to get very lazy once they’ve married the woman. Add to that the extra labor of kids that generally most dads don’t quite grasp fully, and suddenly being a wife and a mother is a full time job even if she also works a full time job.

Not to say this happens to all couples, but the few women I know ended up here because their husbands stopped showing up in the marriage and the women care too much about preserving the family for the kids sake to really push for change.

Training_Hold_1354 · 2025-04-28T00:01:08+00:00

Because they haven’t learned yet to watch what men do rather than listen to what they say because men’s words alone have zero value. And sometimes their actions as well because men will falsely present themselves until they have enough emotional leverage and can easily gaslight their partner by manipulating her vulnerabilities. Men need to be vetted heavily as they have perfected the art of how much emotional investment they need to show in order to allow them to leverage their weaponized incompetence. They always drop the front when they feel confident that their validation or lack thereof in combination with her being worn down and exhausted can be used as a tool to control her perception of reality.

Men like to trap women because they use women to feed their ego and to signal their status to other men.

Not all men etc etc, just the assholes.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-04-28T01:10:17+00:00

The same reasons anyone settles for anything they’re not happy about

attendquoi · 2025-04-28T12:46:42+00:00

As a kid, I was raised to help clean up after all males. Some women grow beyond that mindset, some don't.

RecognitionSoft9973 · 2025-04-28T11:49:37+00:00

Maybe it's a trad relationship. Or, in certain cultures, it's just acceptable for women to do more on top of working. Everyone expects it. I asked my coworkers this many times and they say they're fine with it. I really don't get it lol. These women are expected to be tradwives on top of working full-time... they put up with it because they've been brainwashed into it from an early age. A lot of them cook from scratch and they have to do it before work starts. I hope their husbands at least help out with the kids, who are under 7. I think the most their husbands do is vacuum once in a while (like my dad). This seems like an awful & stressful way to live.

They can't became SAHMs because they can't afford the mortgage and daycare on one salary.

Unless my partner is bringing in enough cash to support the two of us or is doing his part elsewhere, I expect him to share domestic responsibilities with me, if we end up living together. This is such a basic thing. Yeah, that includes traditionally female domestic labour and traditionally male domestic labour. I'm not afraid of car maintenance or using power tools to fix stuff.

SnooCats37 · 2025-04-28T12:10:30+00:00

My husband and I got together when we were 21, we obviously didn’t move in together straight away. He was little in a house share and when I went around, he seemed really tidy.

When he moved in, I ended up doing 100% of the chores but I was a SAHM and he was working full time so even though it was a tad frustrating when he wasn’t putting his clothes away or popping them in the wash basket, I didn’t really mind. He grew up with his mum staying at home doing 100% of the household chores and his dad working so I think he just was copying what he had grown up with.

During lockdown our roles reversed, he went back into education and I started working full time. It was at this point when he took over doing the majority of the childcare, trying to remember what they needed for school and doing most of the housework or at least attempting to, that he realised how much I had been doing.

Now he is back working full time and I have gone back to being at home (I work part time for periods of time if that’s what we need). My husband now pulls his weight around the house and with the kids.

I could have walked away when we were younger but I would have walked away from a really loving supportive husband for the sake of one issue. He wasn’t being malicious during that time, he was just copying behaviour he had witnessed growing up and just didn’t realise how much work and mental work it takes to keep a home running and being the main parent to kids.

FairwayBliss · 2025-04-28T06:18:13+00:00

I don’t get why you should do that, altough I see a lot of women accepting/doing it. My friends basically have to mommy their husbands (most aren’t even married even..). But the answers are simple, allow it and be treated as a door mat. Or simply kick the guy out and do everything yourself (most peaceful option) or find workable alternatives (for both partners).

All my exes tried to make me carry the household/mental load, and I basically made them regret it real soon (sometimes on purpose).

I did not ‘settle’. I married a man that went to university for a PhD and 2 masters. He was very honest from the get go, he can’t cook and he is a shitty house keeper. He did everything by himself though (as a single man with Uber Eats), as I’m also able to fully sustain myself while I’m single. So I was honest too: I don’t feel like I’m the best house keeper, and I absolutely hate doing laundry. So, my husband pays for staff (cleaner, dog walker, repair guy, daycare etc.). We both have 2 chores. His chores are laundry, and unloading the dishwasher: my chores are cooking, and loading the dishwasher.

My_House_on_Mars · 2025-04-28T00:12:13+00:00

You forgot the most relevant one, that women are taught house chores from early age while men not so much. In the past women were the managers of the house so it's only logical that women and men try to repeat those roles because parents are role models.

Appropriate-Mango385 · 2025-04-28T00:28:18+00:00

Because that's what they like. That's what they prefer.

Sure, they may complain, but overall I would say women are used to airing out their grievances, doesn't mean they want an actual solution, they just want to vent, so you may hear that complaint often.

Another thing people don't consider is when someone becomes comfortable, their habits change. Maybe your girlfriend cooks you great meals but she does that less after getting married, even though she doesn't have more tasks now. Why would she put in the extra effort, you're already married. Same with some men; he picked up after himself more when y'all were together, but after marriage and a kid or two he starts slacking off be why should he put in the effort, it's not like the path to leaving him is too easy.

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bluehorserunning · 2025-04-28T11:02:35+00:00

I hear a lot of women saying that things change drastically once a kid comes into the picture.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2025-04-28T11:28:22+00:00

A lot of couples move in together after they’ve already built a strong emotional connection, so by the time you actually see how someone handles domestic stuff, you’re already deep in. It’s not like you’re vetting for chore habits first. So sometimes people just trade off, they accept an uneven split because the relationship is good in other ways, and they either hope to negotiate it later or figure it might change over time

IntotheOubliette · 2025-04-28T16:31:00+00:00

Bf's mother does everything in her house because that's how she was raised. He never learned, and I didn't figure that out until I was already invested. I couldn't tell if the state of his apartment was due to his roommate, former depression, or a lack of hot enough water to clean properly. He was also grad school age when we started dating, so my standards as someone with a full decade on him were always going to be different.

But he's learning. He now knows how to budget, properly clean a bathroom, cook for himself, clean his clothes on different settings, do his own taxes manully if need be, etc.

I would never have accepted having to teach so much from a man my age. People get more set in their habits over 30, and by then, if you haven't interacted with enough people to get a sense of whether your standards are too low, you probably haven't had enough social interaction to date me anyway. I've explained the mental and emotional load to him, and he's improving.

I don't blame people for how they've grown up. I judge people who never want to learn and improve and who don't have empathy.

I accept that my ideal standards are above baseline standards. He accepts that his baseline was not up to "having guests over" standards. I still cook most of the time because I'm better at it and work from home. If we both worked outside of the house, he would have to learn faster. Or we'd break up.🤷‍♀️

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-04-28T17:23:12+00:00

It’s because this gap in domestic responsibilities only becomes apparent after you move in together, and are therefore already invested both emotionally and financially in the relationship. And the gap might be small at first and increase the longer you live together, especially after marriage and children, which means it’s even harder to leave and start over.

AnonPinkLady · 2025-04-28T18:12:10+00:00

I've said this before but it deserves reiterating: people who stay in toxic relationships do not genuinely want to be in them, they just lack the self worth to believe they deserve better. Typically they've been treated this way or similar since childhood and have formed the belief that this is what is normal for them. If as a young girl they did all the chores, or perhaps their mother did all the chores, this is just how believe they are supposed to be treated in a relationship. That is just an example of one the ways this low esteem can be formed however. It could be anything from bullying at school, to media and cultural influences.

But ultimately the victim of a neglectful, imbalanced or abusive relationship has had it instilled that whatever the element of the relationship makes them unhappy or hurts them is, it's normal either for most women, or especially for them because they have low self worth and believe they can never find better. Often times there is an element of manipulation or grooming, but for many victims, they've been already manipulated or groomed by a bad parent or previous abuser, and are easily mistreated by someone else because it's normalized.

This is why "not all abusive men are master manipulators" is a such a weak argument in defense of women "choosing" the abuser over others. It takes one person, male or not, to teach someone this is normal. ONE. That person can be ANYONE. A pastor at their church. A peer in their classes. A friend. A cousin. An uncle. A role model in the media they follow. One. Person.

Just as it takes one role model to radicalize a young man into believing that mistreating women is simply the only way he'll find the love, companionship, or fulfillment he desires, it only takes one influence for a young woman to believe this is simply how things are supposed to be and there is no point in searching for better. And to make matters worse, I would argue most young women grow up with more than one individual influencing and instilling that sense of shame and low self worth.

Title	Why do you think some women settle for relationships with men who don’t share domestic responsibilities according to their preferences?
Author	Logos1789
Upvotes	34
Comments	321
Date	April 27, 2025 11:44 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1k9hx41/why_do_you_think_some_women_settle_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-you-think-some-women-settle-for.1550834 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550834

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