How do you maintain intimacy when someone becomes too important to lose?

says_harsh_things · 2017-12-01T17:48:27+00:00

If you treat someone as 'too important to lose' they are going to leave you for being too clingy.

hyperrreal · 2017-12-01T17:46:13+00:00

Everything is temporary and impermanent. Including any feelings of loss or devastation. I know those feelings, or the fears of experiencing those feelings, can seem overwhelming. Or as if they would be too strong to handle. But that isn't true.

The reality is that whatever emotions you have will arise, seem to remain for awhile, and then eventually fade away. And you can handle them while they linger.

Living in fear, or living in a super-defended mode doesn't work. Because when you block the feelings of fear, anger, loss, etc. you also block your ability to experience joy, satisfaction and contentment. And then, what's the point of living?

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-12-01T19:11:33+00:00

This is wildly opposite to my behavior and experience . Who shows flaws in the beginning?

Butt-Factory · 2017-12-01T17:55:00+00:00

Flaws, weaknesses, and character defects have a way of making themselves known during the course of a relationship. The best way to ensure maximum damage is to try and cover them up or pretend they don't exist. It's best to be honest about your weak spots and to to accept and be tolerant of your partner's weaknesses (within reason).

one should never assume their happy relationship is permanent. People change, circumstances change. Try to focus on the now.

DemonConsulting · 2017-12-01T18:00:54+00:00

If your flaws are so great and persistant that they pose a serious issue (major character flaws like crippelingly low self esteem, lazyness, maybe an untreated mental disorder, etc.), you could, ya know, actively work on improving yourself. It's really something everyone should strive for, regardless of their relationship status, and will improve other areas of your life as well.

Other than that, I'm a bit confused about the premise though - if they are open about their flaws in the beginning and the woman still wants to date them, then those flaws obviously aren't a deal breaker to her. What seems far more common is that people fake stuff in the beginning or just generally put more work into the relationship but become complacent over time, don't take care of themselves as they used to, and all the flaws come out/ get more noticable because the positive aspects of the relationship are being neglected. What you do about that, is not just turn into a slob, but keep actively working on yourself and your relationship (then you can also expect the same from your partner)

Though tbh this all just reads like it is coming from a place of low value and low self esteem. Improve yourself beforehand so you become the prize. TRP calls that passive dread. There are two people in the relationship and if your partner is attracted to you as well as having an emotional connection (love) and you are generally high value, they will feel the same way about not wanting to lose you. This also gives you the freedom to show vulnerability but you need to get back up, ideally have a plan, etc. Women don't just drop chad after years of dating for getting sick or crying a few times, or sharing his feelings (really if he is high value, it will increase the feeling of trust/comfort) but they will drop you if you only pretended to be Chad and actually constantly crumble under pressure, are full of self loathing, majorly depressed and don't seek treatment, just mope around and whine etc. I mean it's not like men like that in a partner either, women just get away with it more because men are thirsty and a lot of low value guys don't have any other options.

resolutions316 · 2017-12-01T18:58:38+00:00

The book “passionate marriage” by David Schnarch (I believe that’s the name) is literally all about this. I highly recommend you check it out.

Being so afraid of losing someone that you begin to lose yourself is an example of “poor differentiation.”

Schnarch’s theory is that marriages create this situation as the partners become “emotionally fused,” preventing deep intimacy. This creates tension, which pushes the couple to “differentiate” by becoming more independent and able to “self soothe” when confronted by the other.

Higher levels of differentiation thus allow greater and deeper levels of intimacy, and the cycle begins again.

In short, as Schnarch argues that the dilemma you describe is not a bug, but a necessary feature of deepening intimacy that grows us as people.

KerPop42 · 2017-12-01T17:50:39+00:00

In an LTR, every weakness and flaw will eventually come to the surface. I've found that it's better to bring then up sooner than later. It's just like if you have a problem or disagreement with the person you're dating. If you put it off you'll be saving your relationship in the short term, but damning it in the long term because your problems will (usually) only grow if you ignore them.

Prince-Noctis · 2017-12-01T18:17:48+00:00

I don't see how people can remain in an intimate relationship while upholding false pretenses. If your relationship is based upon a lie it will inevitably dissolve. Vulnerability is acceptable in an intimate relationship because it is a part of communication with your partner.

That being said, male emotional stability is something females often rely on as they themselves are more often emotional unstable. Vulnerability is not something that repels females. What repels females is males showing signs of being emotionally unstable and/or overly emotionally reliant upon her.

How do you demonstrate vulnerability without providing signs for emotional instability? The key is often in degree and the amount you rely upon her for your problems. There's a difference between a male communicating something that he isn't comfortable with and having a breakdown every Wednesday. Females will typically rely on the male to be more level headed. If you're both losing your heads--it's not a good sign. Be vulnerable, but don't be an emotional leech.

I'd recommend males look for emotional stability in their female partners, but historically they're not very good at doing so. Males usually hold the position of the 'rock' in the relationship. Being vulnerable time to time does not compromise that position, but being emotionally unstable, on the other hand--that certainly does.

LifterofThings · 2017-12-01T19:03:37+00:00

I don't think there's a solution to this. I do like Dan Savage's take on this very issue though: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw

tl;dr: Proactively see the best in your partner, and work toward becoming that "idealized" self that sold them on you initially, while they proactively work to see the best in you.

darla10 · 2017-12-01T22:25:43+00:00

A good relationship partner will make you feel secure, which may improve your self esteem, which will make you less clingy, which will strengthen the relationship. We all regulate each other's emotions to an extent. Becoming more intimate in a relationship does require vulnerability. There's nothing wrong with that. But don't confuse vulnerability with codependence. Respect each other's boundaries.

mightythistle · 2017-12-01T22:28:23+00:00

I'm not saying that this would work for everyone, this is just coming from someone who DOES consider her husband too important to lose, and who has maintained a very deeply intimate relationship for ten years.

I think it's important for both parties to acknowledge at the beginning of a relationship that it is most likely a "honeymoon" period in which major flaws and shortcomings are not going to be immediately revealed. Even as teenagers, I like to think that my husband and I had a mature understanding of this concept and jokingly foreshadowed the eventual ugly "truth" that would reveal itself about each other in a matter of time. I really think being open and honest about this prepared us to compromise and make changes within ourselves for the betterment of the relationship, which heavily increased the intimacy and the amount of worth we placed on it. Otherwise, I don't think my husband would have been prepared for my horrific temper and lack of control over my anger, nor would I have been prepared for his passive aggression. But both of us have worked really hard on these issues and they're almost a non-issue now.

Being AWARE of your personality flaws requires a kind of introspection that not everyone is capable of, but it's an important practice. And I don't think being honest about these things is necessarily communicating "vulnerability".

HarpyMaster · 2017-12-01T23:05:57+00:00

I don't get intimate emotionally or otherwise, just sexually. Men are for pleasure of the flesh only. For actual intimacy ,I have my bffs.

despisedlove2 · 2017-12-02T00:36:53+00:00

As a man, you can never show any vulnerability at any time.

You will be upgraded upon in no time.

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frightynight · 2017-12-01T17:58:02+00:00

I'm not sure why it would be good to show your worst first? Everyone is supposedly filtering for flaws in the beginning so why would you let it all hang out and hurt your own opportunities?

Orange_Paisley · 2017-12-01T18:42:00+00:00

I don't know that it's true that showing vulnerability in a relationship can cause it to terminate. One of the things I adore about my partner is that he is honest with me about just about every aspect of his life (even the TMI stuff). He's this tough macho guy around his friends and at work but at home he's the type of guy who will cry during a Nicholas Sparks movie.

notworthmuch20xx · 2017-12-01T18:52:57+00:00

Is there a solution to this?

Date girls who aren't like that.

That's it

MoodyAres · 2017-12-01T18:53:39+00:00

Nobody is too important to lose.

fiat_lux_ · 2017-12-01T19:14:52+00:00

I am way too analytical/clinical about my flaws/weaknesses towards ppl who know me well for them to care in the long run.

wtknight · 2017-12-01T19:31:38+00:00

My experience has been the opposite of this. It's easier for people to show their flaws when they are emotionally attached enough to know that neither of them will leave. In the beginning it's more difficult, at least for me, because I have no idea when I'll meet that next possible compatible person, so I am risking spending a lot more time alone if I show too much of my true self too much in the beginning.

blackedoutfast · 2017-12-01T19:35:51+00:00

no one is perfect.

try to look at it from the other side. think about the people you love: they have flaws, they have weaknesses, they make mistakes. everyone has issues, everyone is dealing with their own problems.

try to imagine a person you love having this overwhelming fear of showing their vulnerablility to you, them worrying that you are going to coldly cut them out of your life for being imperfect. you don't want them to wear a mask and be fake around you do you? no of course not. you don't demand perfection at all costs. you want to see the true version of them, even with the flaws and imperfections that make them real.

if someone is so focused on the superficial that they're willing to walk away and cut you out of your life just for showing a flaw or weakness, then you should be glad to get a person like that out of your life.

and if we're talking about something that is just too far, some complete dealbreaker they just can't deal with, if you really care about them you wouldn't want them to sacrifice their own happiness just to deal with your issue. ideally, you would both be happy. but this world isn't always ideal. if you had a choice wouldn't you rather them leave and be happy instead of being unhappy because they stayed with you?

and all that is assuming that you have already established a good, close relationship with that person.

don't dump all your issues on a person you barely know and try to get validation and support from them.

again, look at it from the other side. it puts you in a really bad, awkward position when someone does that to you. you have your own issues; it's really unfair when some near stranger starts being needy and wants you to fix all of your problems too. it's completely understandable that someone might not want to get sucked into that kind of dependency.

larrythetomato · 2017-12-01T19:40:08+00:00

Men have said here that showing vulnerability in a relationship can cause it to terminate,

No this is not correct. A specific type of vulnerability: neediness is what causes a relationship to terminate.

If you can be vulnerable:

I am a strong person, you have seen me in public and this is how I act, but actually inside there is a inner struggle that only you get to see. Because you are special.

If you do something like that, she will love you forever.

angels_fan · 2017-12-01T20:42:26+00:00

Who the fuck is ever too important to lose??

If you're in this position, you need to let them go. For their health as well as yours!

Edit:

To clarify, having loyalty to someone is fine.

Saying there is nothing this person could ever do that would make me leave them or that you have to completely hide who you are is dysfunctional as fuck! You must MUST have some boundaries that cannot be crossed or you risk getting into an awful relationship. You should also be able to be yourself.

madscientistlove · 2017-12-01T22:06:58+00:00

Eventually, they become such a critical part of your life and you can't afford (emotionally speaking) to lose them. The loss would be too devastating.

This causes a problem though, because then you can no longer freely show your flaws and be honest with them about who you are. Every time you do this you are risking them changing their mind and leaving you. Sometimes it becomes so extreme that you start avoiding this important person intentionally because you fear the possibility of fucking it up.

And this is part of why marriage is so beautiful. You're making a lifelong commitment to stick with that person, no matter what happens or what side of themselves they show. There is incredible freedom to be yourself in that. And sometimes, the stuff they show is ugly as fuck. But I think you can only really love a person when you truly know them, warts and all.

Plopolok · 2017-12-01T23:08:59+00:00

If you're asking because it happened to you in the past, keep in mind that it might have been just the path your relationship took to its dissolution, but the dissolution itself would have been very hard to avoid in any case. People, especially men, want to have several relationships in their life. All but one need to end. The two main ways to provoke this subtly are to overexpress your own flaws and to increasingly pick on your partner's flaws. Tl;dr: it's not you, it's him.

For a theoretical answer, I'd say a solution could be to not let anyone become too important to lose until you're confident that they accept you with all your flaws. Tie the intensity of your emotional attachment to the degree to which your partner knows you and still loves you. Since you're a woman, you can even allow yourself to "show your worst" once in a while and see how he copes with it, also known as shit test / comfort test. I don't recommend it, but other women do it, so feel free.

abaxeron · 2017-12-02T20:13:34+00:00

There is no solution. You will be left behind with rather high probability that is virtually completely random.

If there are some scientifically established predictors of relationships lasting for life, I'd like to know them; but in general, "till death do you part" is something you can hope for, but not something you can count on.

newName543456 · 2017-12-03T23:53:32+00:00

becomes too important to lose

That's the problem.

Don't let it happen in the first place.

How do you maintain intimacy when someone becomes too important to lose?

Comments

WHAT THE FUCK??!!!?

loyaltyisdead

Title	How do you maintain intimacy when someone becomes too important to lose?
Author	frightynight
Upvotes	13
Comments	137
Date	December 1, 2017 5:37 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/7gwl4a/how_do_you_maintain_intimacy_when_someone_becomes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-do-you-maintain-intimacy-when-someone-becomes.264640 https://theredarchive.com/post/264640