What's A Relational Value That You Have That Doesn't Benefit You?

Novadina · 2022-11-05T06:01:36+00:00

Like lower income posters saying how paying for bills 50/50 is bean counting.

Most of the women saying that in the other thread said they were higher income, actually.

So, do you have any relational values that you don’t benefit from?

I’m not sure what exactly you are looking for… I make a lot more than my partner and he gets to live an UMC lifestyle because of me. However, obviously having a high income benefits me also. I like to cook tasty vegan meals and he gets to benefit healthy and delicious dinners like 4 days a week, but again, so do I.

In fact, I’m unsure what I could possibly do that would benefit him and not me, because we are a team and pretty much if one of our lives is improved in any way, the other benefits from it. Kind of like if you have a sports team and one person gets a benefit like he can throw farther or something, the whole team would benefit.

EulenWatcher · 2022-11-05T05:07:39+00:00

Go Dutch or pay in turns
Split chores according to partners' free time and not just financial contribution
Shared budget (and I used to be a sole earner for some time)
Shared custody should be the default option
Alimony shouldn't be a thing in most cases (although it already isn't)
Theoretically also paper abortions

Can't think of anything else right now. I do think these things benefit everyone though, even if there are some losses in a short-term.

BlueMountainDace · 2022-11-05T14:13:25+00:00

All the money my wife and I make goes into the same accounts (checking). All our bills get paid from there. All the money for our post-tax investing (IRA, Brokerage) goes from there too.

This hasn’t ever “benefited” me because I’ve always made more money than my wife so more of “my” money is going towards all our living costs.

The other value I suppose I have is that if stuff needs to get done, just get it done. I do most of the household and child-related stuff. Mostly because I work from home and my wife is on her medical fellowship which is grueling. I suppose this benefits me because it helps her become the best doctor she can be which helps me in the long-term, but even if she wasn’t in medical training I don’t think it’d change. I like my kid being happy and house being put together and if she had a in-person only job and I worked from home, I’d still do it.

Off topic, but it’s so strange to me how transactional and oppositional people on this sub make relationships seem which is probably precisely why so many of you are unhappy. Relationships are a partnership, not a pissing contest.

Familiar-Visual-5803 · 2022-11-05T05:20:10+00:00

I’ve always been a firm believer in paying for shared household bills by percentage of household income, which has never benefitted me as I’ve always been the higher earner in my relationships. (I guess though tbf if I was ever with someone who made more, it would benefit me, but I don’t expect that to happen.)

I also firmly believe in paying for at least my portion of all dates, at least in the beginning, and sometimes for the whole thing. Once we’ve established a relationship it’s cool if they want to treat me, I’ll get them the next time.

MistyMaisel · 2022-11-05T15:08:41+00:00

I mean, you'd have to define my benefitting, but:

I love to cook so I almost exclusively do this for my partner.

He hates shopping and I'm usually out getting groceries for cooking anyway, so I'll pick his stuff up too and pay for it. (We don't live together).

He is in debt and I'm not so I mostly pay for his groceries or extracurricular activities and don't ask to be repaid. (I just love him and want him with me and comfortable and cared for).

We had a garden together and I did all the weeding and most of the care outside reminding him to water it when I wasn't there.

I often end up listening to his stresses and he doesn't really listen to mine so much.

I tend to take the brunt of his bad moods more than vice versa.

I help him with chores at his house when I'm there, this doesn't really happen at mine.

I've helped him with health insurance and doctor stuff and held his hand at appointments because I understand this stuff. I mean obviously I want him alive and healthy, but I could just kick him to the wolves if I was looking for equality.

If I got pregnant and he didn't want the baby, he could cut himself off, I'm not taking him to court. He won't have access to us, but financial abortion would be fine. I'd think he was a bit of a scumbag certainly, but that's his right.

If we split on amicable terms after marriage, obviously fifty fifty custody as best we can work it. So long as he wasn't abusive or a danger (and same for me).

I wouldn't necessarily expect child support beyond what the children really need, which I would think we could calculate ourselves without the law and agree to something fair for them. And I would be sure it was only spent on them, not on me. (Again, assuming it was an amicable split. I admit I'll fucking go hell on earth mode if he's cheating or something.)

I'm sure there's other stuff. But really, I don't approach relationships looking for some equitable split. I want both people doing everything they can to make the other comfortable and happy. The problem arises when it's obvious someone isn't trying at all and doesn't really give a shit outside of themselves.

That's what you see in a lot of these threads about money or chores. It's so freaking obvious the guy is only concerned with himself and doing as little as possible or providing as little as possible under the guide of fairness. That's fine, but it isn't my idea of loving. That doesn't mean guys have to become slaves or something, but if your girl is asking for more help around the house, the least loving thing to do would be to whip out a chart and try to prove you're already perfect the way you are. Especially because if we get a chart out, you're probably not. The same is true for everything. Sex. Money. Emotional support. Like if a guy says he wants more sex, most of us don't immediately pull out a calendar and go, "You're getting enough, shut up!". But men do that with the other stuff.

Sofia_sticated91 · 2022-11-05T05:19:51+00:00

Nah. Way too selfish to have such values

Willow-girl · 2022-11-05T12:50:34+00:00

Yeah, I think women should do all the housework because men suck at it, even when they're not passive-aggressively doing a poor job in order to get out of being asked to do a particular chore going forward.

Men just don't clean very well (hell, I even see it at work, where the male custodians are not necessarily shirkers but just don't do a very good job). It's like they can't see dirt the way we can, and their standards (outside of ones afflicted with OCD) are generally low.

I learned the hard way (via several failed marriages) that expecting men to help with housework regularly, sans incessant nagging, is just unrealistic, and the resentment that results is a real relationship-killer! It's better, as a woman, to shoulder the entire burden yourself -- that way, when you occasionally get overwhelmed and ask your man to lend a hand, he can feel magnanimous in assisting you, and you can feel grateful for his help.

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TheCounsellingGamer · 2022-11-05T06:01:51+00:00

Whoever has the most free time, should as a general rule do more around the house. Until extremely recently I had way more free time than my partner so I did most of the chores. It's only been in the last couple of months that we've switched places and now my partner has more free time than me. It's just always seemed fair to me that if you work less hours outside the home, you do more work inside the home.

This one definitely doesn't pertain to my relationship, but men should be able to sign away their parental rights if they don't want a child. Of course there are some caveats to this. If the child is 5 years old then I don't think the father should be able to suddenly decide he doesn't want to be responsible for that child (same with the mother as well). If you make the decision to bring a child into the world, you can't decide down the line that you can't be bothered anymore. If a woman is pregnant, she wants to keep the baby but the father doesn't, then the father should have the option to completely sign away his parental rights and have no financial, legal, or moral responsibility towards that child. It would mean that he would have no legal recourse to ask for visitation or custody, but it would also mean that he wouldn't be required to pay child support. I don't think it's particularly fair that a woman can decide to be a parent if a pregnancy occurs but a man can't. In fact I think this would be in the best interest of the child. Forcing someone to be a parent often causes more problems for the child.

Upstairs-Rip-604 · 2022-11-05T07:50:33+00:00

I think I benefit from all my relational values

a_popful_mail · 2022-11-05T08:42:57+00:00

I've been a big believer of paying the bills and expenses and sharing the full range of the money available with my partner. It hasn't always been me on the low end of the totem poll for money either, still adhered to that belief. Anyone I'm willing to date is someone I already know we'll enough to trust with that.

Let alone also that personal space and alone time are always necessary and should always be valued. My girlfriend gets lots of migraines because she's off and on new medications so more often she needs more space than I do, and I benefit less given I'd like to spend more time together but I value her comfort much more. Its just the right thing to do.

I value our possessions and them being fair game for either of us to use, even if in general I tend to own far many more collections and individually valuable interactable items like very expensive horror games or expensive comic book editions and omnibus.

I value both our opinions for things to do and watch, even if I don't always get what I want for what to do for a date or just movie choice or whatever. We can switch off if we can't agree on something for a few nights. Whatever we need to do!

Lots of things really! And it goes both ways for things I benefit from now. Or things I don't. If that ever changes, I'll hold those very same values. What are we if we do not uphold our values and show the one we love how much all of that adds up into how much we value them?

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-11-05T08:52:44+00:00

I earn more and yet also believe that we should pay equitably in a partnership
as a woman I believe we should always go Dutch in the first date
men should be allowed financial abortions with stipulations if women are allowed abortions. And we should be

midwesternMD · 2022-11-05T12:11:21+00:00

Meh- not sure if I’m understanding your question correctly.

I’m a man with a good income, but I don’t broadcast my career/income on my dating profiles. I’m a bit old fashioned in that I expect to pay for dates, and I generally do unless she insists on splitting or something. It doesn’t really “benefit” me in that I may end up spending a bit more on average, and the women I date don’t know that this is how I do things off the bat. But I feel like I’m supporting a brand of chivalry nonetheless, and that makes me feel good inside. And selfishly, I only ever suggest places to go that I want to try anyway. Again- debatable about benefiting me.

Certainly I also value sex, and I have an internal cutoff for whether I chase someone past x dates or not. But I think that clearly “benefits” me (or at least limits harm.)

neetykeeno · 2022-11-05T12:44:48+00:00

I have what I believe are an internally consistent set of relationship values. Of course even the values that aren't immediately benefiting me end up benefiting me in the long term because knowing what I stand for makes it hard for anyone to push me off centre.

zombie_still_alive · 2022-11-05T17:48:59+00:00

Maybe a bit twisted but

I am 6’3, blue eyes, fairly attractive a da nice guy. But I have major social issues, including the incapacity to read social clues, which can transform my advantages into disadvantages: 2 women, to date, got mad at me because I didn’t return their advances, that I was completely unaware of (took me 8 years to figure it out). So the women I would have had a shot with, were more difficult because they could not understand why I was unresponsive of their signals.

NationalistGoy · 2022-11-05T20:01:47+00:00

Separate properties (meaning what's mine is mine what's your is yours) should be default unless both request to have merged properties, incomes, etc before they marry. This way anyone with more money than their partner knows the other person isn't marrying for the sake of material possessions. The other person also has a reason to preserve their marriage.

Paternity tests should be mandatory at birth before the man recognizes the child as his and gives the child his last name. This would prevent so many wrecked marriages down the line. If someone chests on me I would want to go now and be able to meet someone else and have a family, rather than 20 years down the line where I will probably not be able to have a family.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-11-05T22:28:55+00:00

I insisted on merging our finances even though I’m the breadwinner. Of course the way I see it this does benefit me because I don’t have the time or desire to hand my husband an allowance.

2022-11-06T01:13:54+00:00

Takes a female over twice as long to orgasm as it does a male.

But I got you boo.

Codoro · 2022-11-06T10:34:53+00:00

For me it's location. I could be a 10/10, but as a childfree male bisexual socialist atheist in the Bible belt, my options are fucking limited

Title	What's A Relational Value That You Have That Doesn't Benefit You?
Author	Familiar-Visual-5803
Upvotes	9
Comments	78
Date	November 5, 2022 4:15 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ymjuig/whats_a_relational_value_that_you_have_that/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/whats-a-relational-value-that-you-have-that-doesnt.1138044 https://theredarchive.com/post/1138044

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