Why confidence is a meme.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-01-16T22:42:19+00:00

Confidence is a sham because your genetics are your confidence, positive reinforcement is your confidence, being able to date at all or have people find you attractive is your confidence. Without any of that its just delusion and people love taking advantage of delusional people.

duenebula499 · 2024-01-16T17:03:47+00:00

Eh I disagree. As someone who used to very much dislike themselves, and now very much likes myself, confidence is more a state than anything else. I’m confident not in any particular area, but just in myself in general. I don’t need to be proficient in whatever I’m doing to be confident, because I’m confident in my ability to learn and excel in whatever situation I’m in. And even if I fail, I know my worth compared to the world around me doesn’t diminish any of my positive qualities.

wtknight · 2024-01-16T16:05:09+00:00

I think that a simpler way to think of it is that a man just has to be able to impress a woman. The biggest problem is that men think that being nice to women is somehow impressive. Niceness is just something that women expect, though, and some women don’t even expect niceness. Niceness doesn’t impress women.

This is the biggest lesson that men need to learn. And the reason that men have trouble learning it is both because men become more attracted to women who are nice to them, and because media like to create nice hero characters as wish fulfillments to men and don’t really spotlight the fact that it’s other qualities besides their niceness that are making these characters attractive to women.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-01-16T18:09:54+00:00

For example, and I don't care about the destitutes on this website, the vast majority of women in real life absolutely do not care about your confidence in your knowledge of the Horus heresy.

I still don't give a flying fuck about the Horus Humbug and any other nonsense in the 40K universe but I found it refreshing that my partner was confident when he talked about his hobbies and interests. I prefer that over some sniveling dork who will put himself down for liking what he likes in the hope that someone will appreciate his self-flagellation. I used to really dislike myself, and try to put down things I liked because I didn't want people to assume I thought highly of myself. So after I got over myself, seeing someone who didn't feel the need to put himself down was very attractive.

richard_golbes · 2024-01-16T17:01:25+00:00

I just don't agree that confidence and competency are as coupled as you believe.

The reverse case - people who are competent but not confident - reveals this. There are plenty of reserved, humble, shy, anxious, etc. men who don't behave as confidently as their competency would predict. Telling these guys to "fake" that part of the equation isn't setting them up to expose themselves as frauds. It's advice to get out of their own way.

Gravel_Roads · 2024-01-16T17:53:43+00:00

mostly referring to the ability to socially dominate and charm others, specifically other men.

Nah, though being able to both "charm and dominate" others is universally attractive (men admire other men who have this skill!), because it implies the man is socially competent, able to get the results he wants from others, and flexible in HOW he approaches things because he can be both firm and charming at different times, there's a lot MORE to confidence than just that.

ie, my partner loves my confidence because they know it's NOT fake. I've lived a pretty eventful life, have traveled all around the country, met a lot of people, I'm a shelter counselor who frequently has to deal with people wilding out (and can still laugh about it!), I've saved a few lives because I know CPR (only one person died on me), and I have learned a lot of things about survival, diverse social settings, how to have fun when you don't own much, how to have good boundaries and keep good friends ect. When we go hiking, they like that I know how to be safe in nature (because I grew up really rural in the mountains), and they like that I'm a confident driver because of the decades I've spent driving around the country and learning what works best where.

So "confidence" branches out into "confidence in what will be fun", "confidence in what will be safe", "confident in who's good to hang out with", "confidence in who to maintain distance from", "confidence that I can handle new problems", "confidence that I can control my emotions and help others control their own" ect ect.

All of which is attractive to both men and women. Because everyone likes feeling safe and having fun.

PMmeareasontolive · 2024-01-16T18:15:49+00:00

Confidence to some degree is a skill in and of itself, not reliant on some other competency (as you point out, there are no Chess Club groupies). In that respect you can fake it til you make it. That's what acquiring any skill is: working your way through from noob level to competency. Social competency can be not so much believing you are better than everyone, but believing no one is better than you. For example, if you have dinner with a bunch of lawyers and you aren't one yourself, you might be intimidated, unless you've had experience with lawyers and come to realize they are human beings and just as deeply flawed as anyone else, outside of their area of expertise (and often sometimes within it).

obviousredflag · 2024-01-16T18:18:19+00:00

Since for men that would involve being better than the other men in your social circle at a worthwhile skill (ie, humour, popularity, etc) the vast majority of men will simply not be in a position to express confidence

What constitutes a worthwhile skill is different for every woman and also dependent on your social group, the other men. You do not need to compete with the top guy regarding humor, if you are a crafty guy and get lots of respect and admiration for that from other men in that group. Women want men who are highly regarded by other men. You can pick your area of competence pretty freely and in the worst case, build your social circle with people who give you credit for having worthwhile skills.

I have a social circle where all men are cherished for the skills they possess. By men and women alike. We have a crafty guy, DJs, entertainers, a creative artsy guy, an "event organizer"-type of guy, several very knowledgeable guys, a guy who knows all the best restaurants and clubs, a guy who has a great sense of style, several great cooks, a leader type of guy, and a guy who sings romantic songs accompanied by the acoustic guitar to the women in my social circle and they fucking adore him for it.

It's not hard to be better at something than other men in your social circle and be respected and valued for that. The fuck, i learned how to lock pick during covid and saved the day a couple of times since then, getting great feedback from men and women alike.

The only reasonable way to actually attract women in your social circle and beyond is to actually focus on acquiring status, money and good looks. That's literally how I got my girlfriend despite being the same person I was 3 years ago.

No, i pointed it out above, but i will add the science to back it up:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dual_strategies_theory

In evolutionary psychology and evolutionary anthropology*, dual strategies theory states humans increase their status in* social hierarchies using two major strategies known as dominance and prestige.

The first and oldest of the two strategies, dominance, is exemplified by the use of force, implied force or other forms of coercion to take social power*.*

The second of the two strategies, prestige, is defined as an approach in which an individual gains social rank through demonstrating traits valued by other group members such as high levels of skill, generosity or the ability to teach their skills to others.

Prestige is very important and you are wrong about the vast majority of men not having the chance to gain prestige via skills.

garnageman · 2024-01-16T22:21:08+00:00

This reads like someone who has never gotten laid or spoken to a woman before

confused_makeup · 2024-01-16T19:10:15+00:00

Personally, I value confidence in a man for the following reason:

The world is shitty and life is hard. If you aren't able to roll with the punches and get back up after you've been kicked down, why the fuck should I attach myself to you?

Why would I want to go through life with someone who doesn't believe in themselves?

Bikerbats · 2024-01-16T19:23:12+00:00

Like many words confidence has more than one meaning dude. Social confidence is not affirmation of competency like rebuilding a carburetor for the thousandth time. Social confidence is being free from being self-conscious and the nervousness and awkwardness that comes with it. It's simply the freedom to be yourself without the head chatter.

complete_doodle · 2024-01-16T19:31:05+00:00

Hi! I can’t speak for everyone, but when I say that I find confidence attractive, I don’t mean confidence in a particular skill or area of expertise. I’m referring to confidence in yourself as a person. I’ve met men who, on paper, weren’t exceptional in any one area of their lives (like most people). But they were confident in themselves. They carried themselves well, they were able to laugh at themselves, weren’t offended easily, and weren’t afraid to approach women. Unsurprisingly, these men often had their fair share of dates/romantic relationships.

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hehechibby · 2024-01-16T16:14:16+00:00

Think generally folks tend to use confidence when they mean courageous

ReplacementPasta · 2024-01-16T19:36:04+00:00

I am confident because I do not need validation from other people, so I am not overly obsessed what other people think.

I know what I am good at, I know what i am not good at, I know I will make mistakes if I do things I am not good at, but they aren't the end of the world and I can laugh about it. I can be confident in doing something I don't know how to because I dont expect to be good at it, and i am not discouraged by a mistake i make

If someone criticizes my actions, I am not defensive about it, I try to understand why.

Can I fake my assuredness in my Spanish fluency and not only get away it, but actually increase my competency in the process? No.

Propably not increase your competency but you can display confidence if You just speak, and aren't overly obsessed with the mistakes you make. Making mistakes while learning a language is not an issue, and you shouldn't treat it as such. If someone laughs at what you said, you laugh with them and you move on.

MidoriEgg · 2024-01-16T21:17:35+00:00

Fake it till you make it with confidence works to an extent. As someone with pretty bad social anxiety in the past, forcing yourself to socialise/assert yourself even when it’s uncomfortable really pays off. Especially in terms of making friends, managing relationships and being respected professionally and in life. Even though I think pick up artistry is really toxic, I don’t think the tips on practicing cold approaching are entirely bad, confidence is a skill like any other. Just like you have to push yourself and be uncomfortable to develop physical skills (running, weights) you have to do the same to develop social and emotional coping skills.

Of course, if you have a condition like autism or and LD, you might have a unique set of difficulties compared to someone who’s main struggle is anxiety.

OtPayOkerSmay · 2024-01-16T22:13:19+00:00

There are two types of confidence: internal and external.

Internal confidence deals with belief in yourself and internal workings, and external confidence is what observers see (is the guy giving off big-dick or little-dick energy?).

Internal confidence can fuel external confidence, and vice versa. Women see a guy who has external confidence, and this makes them assume he may also have internal confidence.

With regards to external confidence, this is what women see and will judge you on. An average looking guy without external confidence will be invisible to women at best, and creepy at worst. The same guy could be more positively received by women in general if he simply projects some external confidence.

External confidence is actually a fairly important part of the "first impression" package, especially when it comes to women.

Sessile-B-DeMille · 2024-01-16T23:09:30+00:00

"the ability to socially dominate"

WTF does this mean?

Mr_Chad_Thunderpenis · 2024-01-16T23:23:21+00:00

Confidence comes from repeated past success. This applies to every realm of human endeavor

nnuunn · 2024-01-17T00:42:38+00:00

I do think you're right about what confidence is, but I think you're wrong about how you apply it. By your own admission, there are different, important dimensions along which a man can have competence, and you really only need to be dominant in one of them to be confident. A short, ugly, poor comedian can be just as confident as a short, unfunny, ugly rich man, or an unfunny and poor model.

desert_fly · 2024-01-17T23:51:24+00:00

Attractive confidence is when people know who they are, i.e. realistic self assessment, accepting of one own's shortcomings and strengths, having goals in life.

Attractive confidence isn't domineering and doesn't require being better than others.

Amazing_Lemon6783 · 2024-01-18T00:33:59+00:00

I disagree or maybe I’m just the unfortunate exception. Perfect example is my buddy at work. He’s short, thinning hair, bad teeth, bad skin, skinny build, blunted affect, he’s 26 (still working an entry level job) but he’s way more confident than me. I have “good” genetics but have severe self esteem issues. My lack of success despite my genetic advantage makes me hate myself even more. Genetics doesn’t equal confidence in my experience.

Title	Why confidence is a meme.
Author	lolcope2
Upvotes	27
Comments	88
Date	January 16, 2024 9:36 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/197z15v/why_confidence_is_a_meme/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-confidence-is-a-meme.1243143 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243143

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