Calling out a flake - "How to" without seeming like a needy jerk.

Mouthpiece · 2016-03-08T15:35:36+00:00

She doesn't respect you or your time.

I don't hear that she's taken a positive steps to fix that problem, nor have you.

You clearly don't find it acceptable to be treated like this, but you're afraid to break it off because it's better to except this than to be alone, even if for a short period time.

In other words, you're proceeding from a scarcity mentality.

TheXXL · 2016-03-08T14:04:40+00:00

Since she is a friend, tell her that you dislike that behavior. Had this too a few times, a good female friend of mine did that with me 3 times in a row, i told her that i find that disrespectful and i prefer her to tell me if she cant make it before we make a date. She got pretty pissed, i didn't react to it anymore, since i made my point, and we did not talk for a couple of weeks. After those weeks i texted her, like nothing happened, asked her if she wants to meet me, and from there on she didn't flake anymore.

Things can also go pretty different though, a Fwb did something similar, and after telling her twice i didn't like to be treated like that, and she didn't care, i dumped her. A year later she comes back and tries to hook up with me, but ... yeah. no chance. No respect, no friendship.

2016-03-08T15:32:46+00:00

Next!

shit_this_guy_again · 2016-03-08T19:49:22+00:00

Dude I got you right here. When she begins her flake behaviour and gives you a bullshit excuse.

Calmly and politely reply with "k". It drives girls nuts. Then just move on. Thank me later.

jmrt94 · 2016-03-08T15:35:25+00:00

Honestly man, I've run into and been hung up on these types before. It will do you no good to try and figure if they're doing it on purpose or not, whether it's a matter of memory or some fucked up complex of baiting & cutting lines she's got you on. Cos I've seen both (high school, man).

At the end of the day if she wants to see you, she'll see you. People make a lot of excuses for things but really, if someone wants to include someone in their life they'll make time. So I'd back off, let her come to you. Might not be the fastest method, but try to find other things to focus on (work, a book, new videogame) so that time passes faster.

And if she reaches out again, make even a small comment about this behavior. Let her know you're aware, and what's more you're bugged. Don't be a downer about it, just mention it in a few flippant words. Like, "don't be late lol" or mention that you've got a thing after so she understands your plans rely on her punctuality to some extent. Even if you've got nothing to do but eat pizza without pants while infomercials play on TV.

Fuck it dude, life's a risk. Your time's valuable as-is.

dyllos · 2016-03-08T17:21:48+00:00

Fade the fuck away. Why do you stick around?

swedishfetus · 2016-03-08T19:44:21+00:00

I want to say thanks to Op and to the people who posted in this thread.

End of January I lost my job due to budget cuts. I was seeing a girl for 2 months (literally hottest girl I ever dated). Same week I lost my job, I dumped the girl because she was being flakey as fuck about seeing each other that week (I felt like I needed it badly. I was going through a rough time because I needed emotional support but I was getting it from friends and family).

Day we were supposed to meet, she flaked. Got back to me in the evening finally without an idea of what she wanted and I just didn't respond. Dumped her the next day (and boy was she pissed). Thing was, wasn't the first time she flaked on me. Our third date she arrived pretty fucking late (I won't say how late because it's fucking embarrassing and I almost walked out a few times on her but stayed because we ended up having a good time). Last thing the bitch said to me after I dumped her was "I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel bad about whatever we didn't have." Welp. Fuck you, I knew I made the right decision at that point dumping your ass.

Cut to 5-6 weeks later. This past Sunday night. I'm out buying dinner and she texts me "Hey, it's Me. Even though you hate me, I just wanted to say hi and hope all is well..."

I was shocked. She was such a bitch and I wanted to believe (I still want to) that she might be apologetic about it all. After talking to a few friends and family, I decided to be civil and texted back "Thanks for the text. Appreciate the thought. I'm fine, hope you're doing well too."

She texted me back "I'm doing wonderful. What have you been up to? Let me know if you want to get together for coffee."

That was 2 nights ago. That night I just didn't want to deal with it because of the initial shock. Yesterday I admittedly was just completely against it because I remembered how bad of a person she was when I felt like I needed her most. Today I went for a walk, sat down and tried to compare all the good and bad she did for me and it came out to be the same amount of actions (regardless of how fucked up she was at the end). I was starting to consider seeing her for coffee just to see what she has to say.

And then I read this thread. No. If she really wants to see me, she'll make more of an effort. I didn't get an apology from her yet (which I'm entitled to) and have no reason to believe she's actually going to apologize.

No. This isn't to be vindictive, spiteful, or just a malicious act. I can't let myself be encumbered by a manipulative person. If she really wants to see me and not treat me like shit anymore, she'll make more of an effort.

I'm better off alone than being with that. Thanks community, you guys are alright.

TLDR: I dumped the girl I was seeing the week I lost my job because she flaked on me. Lived an hour away and ended up coming to my town the following day to see her friend who was feeling a little sick (I lost my job and bitch can't make time to see me? In the same fucking town she's visiting her friend?). Girl texted me the other night to get coffee. This thread helped me realize why I won't respond to her. At least not yet.

themacmc · 2016-03-08T15:07:18+00:00

Those girls are the worst. They're too caught up in their own shit so Don't waste your time. I'd blow her off and find someone else who is actually interested in you! :)

IANAPUA_Yet · 2016-03-08T16:07:19+00:00

I would just stop trying. If/when she invites you to something, accept it, but tell her to come pick you up. Then go about your day as if you don't actually have plans to hang out with her. If she shows up, great. If not, you're just doing whatever you'd be doing anyways.

If you want to be slightly more proactive than that, just invite her to shit you're doing anyways. That way it doesn't matter if she shows up.

lofiharvest · 2016-03-08T15:49:26+00:00

I once had a friend that I was sort of dating flake out on me. On that day we had planned on going hiking. However ten minutes before she was supposed to arrive at my house she texts me 'Hey I don't want to go hiking today. Im out shoe shopping with my brother'. At this point I was pretty upset as I had packed a backpack full of snacks and sandwiches and was ready to hit the mountain. I called her out on it and told her about all the preparations I made and how I thought it was rude to make other plans before giving me notice she wanted to cancel. IMO how a person handles confrontation is very telling of their character. Instead of just owning and apologizing for her mistake she gave me one of those 'Im sorry I didn't tell you, but I think its really shitty for you to call me out on this'. Lets just say after that we never really hung out ever again. We're still on friendly enough terms, but I don't make time for people who don't respect me. For your situation I would confront and see it the behavior improves. Or honestly she just might not be interested in you anymore. Either way confront her.

2016-03-08T19:14:47+00:00

I went out with a girl that flaked a lot. We went out on quite a few dates, and then all of a sudden she started flaking. I let it slide twice, and the third time, I saw her at work and I told her that I wasn't interested in talking to her because she doesn't respect my time. She apologized and said she wanted to be friends and I told her I couldn't do that. I left it at that.

A couple of weeks later she sent me a message saying she was being stupid and had no real reason for being the way she was, and that she wanted us to work. I didn't reply and I moved on.

It depends on what you want. I didn't want to be her friend so it was easier for me to say no and leave. If you don't want women to step all over you you have to stop being scared of the fact that you might lose her. There are women everywhere and one girl taking advantage of you is not ok.

2016-03-08T16:09:44+00:00

Depends on what you want out of it.

My gut reaction is: let her come to you. If she doesn't, cool. If she does, cool. keep the abundance mentality.

However, since she is a friend, If you have that sort of relationship, it's fair to say it's shitty that she's doing that. However, I wouldn't bank on anything changing. she's flaking for a reason. That reason is probably being unsure about what she wants out of the relationship with you.

leespin · 2016-03-08T18:17:34+00:00

Shes a fuckgirl. Be done

someguynamedjohn13 · 2016-03-08T15:28:33+00:00

I'm probably a jerk but I call everyone else out on flaking or ghosting. Hopefully they learn from their behavior.

docprofessa · 2016-03-08T17:10:49+00:00

And stop worrying about appearing to be "needy" simply because you expect someone to uphold their end of the friendship. If your dealing with someone you think would respond to your wants/needs in that way then they are not people you need to be involved with. That "needy" shit is what lazy women say when they don't want to put in the effort to change shitty behavior...a person like that doesn't value you.

mrj0ker · 2016-03-08T18:16:33+00:00

If she is flaking she doesn't want to see you that badly. Meaning you are more invested in her than she is to you, this is a recipe for disappointment. Move on until you find a chick that recognizes your awesomeness

fatboyjimshady · 2016-03-08T20:56:30+00:00

I have a 3-strike rule. I'm usually the one making plans and putting them into action but once someone cancels a plan 3 times (legitimately or not), I stop planning. Not just 'drop off the radar' stop but I make them aware that they have been flaking, that I'm not going to plan again, and they can plan it if they want to see me again. They usually make up for it and put in the effort to make amends. If not then walking away is the right choice.

SmoothPrimal · 2016-03-08T22:07:58+00:00

I would drop her if I were you. So far only had one REALLY REALLY bad flaker. She would keep rescheduling and flaking like wtf.

I just stopped responding to her text. A few months later she has bf, I feel bad for him he will probably end up bald.

I would rather have a girl not put out than to be a flake. Getting laid once that would most likely be shitty sex is not worth all that bullshit.

External12 · 2016-03-08T22:41:36+00:00

She no longer has interest. Cut your losses, move on. If you contact her again, you will make it that much easier for her to forget you, and will give her full comfort "At least SecondVariety13 is always around if I need someone".

Woujo · 2016-03-08T16:36:12+00:00

So I backed off for a bit and she contacted me apologizing and wanting to buy me lunch and get coffee. I of course said ok.

Bad move. The best way to deal with flakes is to be just as unavailable as them. If they're going to jerk you around you look like a bitch when you come running right back like a puppy dog.

She knows she has the power here and she probably gets a slight power trip out of flaking on you because she knows you'll get upset and you need her. You need her more than she needs you and that's why this relationship is fucked up.

Well it's now Tuesday and I haven't talked to her since then. If she doesn't say anything first I plan to text something along the lines of "leaving soon" or "we still on?".

No don't do that. She hasn't contacted you, which means you are NOT on. You can either

1) don't do anything and just move on with your life. You don't need shitheads in your life

or

2) You text her and say "sorry something came up I can't do today." Give her a taste of her own medicine. I know that sounds incredibly petty and immature, but I think it's great because you are denying her that power trip that she enjoyed getting from you. You are now rejecting HER! I would go even further and flake on her a few times.

edragon20 · 2016-03-08T16:33:01+00:00

Buy some Head and Shoulders, sends a message

Andaywalaburger · 2016-03-08T16:34:58+00:00

Don't be Neddy. Just point in matter if factly. Don't fuck it up complicating. Keep up it simple.

letsgetrandy · 2016-03-08T16:48:17+00:00

First, don't tolerate that behavior. However, be careful about calling her out, because most times that just makes you look needy.

I usually handle people like this by telling them, "I'm not going to make plans with you, because you don't stick to them. From now on, if you want to see me it's going to be on the moment. No future plans."

They'll usually apologize, to which I'll say, "I don't want an apology, I want my time to be respected. Either you will or you won't, but either way an apology changes nothing."

docprofessa · 2016-03-08T17:04:10+00:00

I've been where you are. She and I were cool for a couple of years. Hung out from time to time and always text each other. At some point she started flaking. She was about to flake a 4th time when I told her "You've been doing this a lot lately...YOU make the plans but then flake on them." She said she didn't realize she was doing that and then we hung out that night. But I felt like it was only because I called her out and she felt bad/guilty. I don't want that. So the last straw was my birthday this past year. We were supposed to see a movie but she flaked and tried to reschedule. I told her I was busy and cut her off. Haven't looked back. Plus my number has changed and I'm not giving it to her. Not sure what her problem is/was but I don't want friendships where I have to remind you to be a friend. It sucks because I miss what we had. But things and people change so....can't keep going based on what you HAD, but what you HAVE.

I say don't even worry about reminding her of your plans together. Someone who wants to hang out will make it happen. Next time she tries to hang just say "I can't. Plus you flaked the last few times so i don't trust that you'll keep your word. Later." And leave it at that. If she values you, she'll show up to wherever she can find you and make things right. If not then let that (non)friendship go. The best indicator of a true friend is how they respond when you tell them they've hurt you.

PapaPeyton · 2016-03-08T19:44:25+00:00

I'm really glad you posted this. This was helpful for me as well. Ive been seeing this girl who is an absolute doll and a personality that is so in sync with mine. Shes a wonderful person the kind I want to be with. But everytime I make plans she flakes. "Yeah we'll hang out tonight. Im going to a lady friends house and then I'll come over after" and then I dont hear from her for the rest of the night until she leaves saying shes sorry and some bullshit. This has happened many times but when she wants me to come to her I immediately jump all over it and hang out with her.

Today shes getting home from a trip and said before she left that we should hang out when she gets back. If she flakes or doeant say anything by 10pm I'm telling her how I feel and possibly cutting her off because I'm tired of being flaked. Its disrespectful and waste if my time, even as a friend.

JefemanG · 2016-03-08T23:23:53+00:00

9/10 calling her out on it will work. I don't mean being an asshole/needy towards her, but just let her know you're on to what she is doing and you're not afraid to leave if she keeps it up. If you want, say how it's disrespectful or how you don't have time to feel used. Just deliver it in a way that says "if it continues to happen, I'll have zero problem dropping you."

Most girls will do this at some point in a relationship. I'm not sure why, but the vast majority of the time calling her out on it will work. In the 1/10 times it does not, move on.

ThatRollingStone · 2016-03-09T03:01:11+00:00

I mean fo'real, just switch it up.

2016-03-09T13:50:19+00:00

She loves the fact that you are head over heels in love with her. It makes her feel better about herself. But she isn't going to respect you enough until you say "no". And the chances that respect will turn into feelings are super slim, but at least you will have your dignity. And you never know, maybe she'll hook you up with one of her friends.

2016-03-09T13:54:15+00:00

Have to add one more thing....

I became friends with this girl in August and we became romantically involved Jan/Feb.

This is the biggest issue I see. Skip the friends part. You are way too trigger shy for any woman to be into long term unless she is nearing the end of her bio clock.

gussiie · 2016-03-12T05:39:40+00:00

Tell her that she is a flake / pussy.

BravoPUA · 2016-03-08T14:45:19+00:00

Fuck her

Cut her off and don't accept this shitty behavior anymore

And wrote a whole blog post about this

http://bravopua.com/blog/2014/04/28/how-to-handle-flakes/

ChrisVicar · 2022-03-05T02:48:49+00:00

Give them three chances, then dump them. No explanation needed.

Title	Calling out a flake - "How to" without seeming like a needy jerk.
Author	SecondVariety13
Upvotes	151
Comments	77
Date	March 8, 2016 1:40 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/49iisj/calling_out_a_flake_how_to_without_seeming_like_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/calling-out-a-flake-how-to-without-seeming-like-a.1403715 https://theredarchive.com/post/1403715

Comments