I was told by two girls that I give off "vanilla vibes", what should I do about this?

skbtwiz · 2022-04-03T14:58:06+00:00

Don't change yourself for stupid women who want guys with a potential future in jail. Find one that matches your rationality. You should be proud of all the obstacles you've overcome, because the sad truth is very few people who face similar stuff end up successful like you did. By trying to fit in with people who think guys are more attractive if they have more issues, you are actively cancelling out everything you have worked hard for. You're further perpetuating the stereotype and encouraging the shitty tastes of these women. Believe me when I say there are women with better mindsets out there than this horrible crap you're ready to settle for. No pussy is that good that you give up your painfully attained moral high ground.

Nickles1993 · 2022-04-03T15:14:54+00:00

You're basically just like me man. I can relate alot. It has to do with us being different than the majority of people and what they are used to. We have developed ourselves to the point where we haven't mastered the basic sexual and attraction attitudes that turn women on but we have mastered being responsible and other mature aspects that every adult should have.

Honestly, being a good guy is great in every other aspect of life but that's not what is important when it comes to attracting women. Women need the basic and fundamental stuff like confidence, assertiveness, dominance (Not abusive or controlling but controlling the situation) and sexual energy (flirting and bantering not being creepy).

Alot of times it is hard to find a good mix and us good guys have a hard time with women because of this. Being good doesn't attract them, being masculine does. This is why they are attracted to your physical appearance being tall and dark and in Shape with dreads as this is like an instant attraction trigger especially for black women but if the personality doesn't match then it's a turn off for them. Don't get mad or lose confidence about this but you have to tweak somethings. I'm actively trying too.

Unfortunately 95% of the women on this earth are attracted to bad boys not because of abuse but because of the traits they show. You don't have to smoke or drink. These things are social as most of the world does it so if you don't then you stand out as that's how most people live their lives.

I'm still struggling with this as most women you speak to likes drinking and some even smoke. Hard to find one who doesn't but even if you do it's a lot of social pressure to do so unfortunately.

To combat this you do have to have chemistry, have playful banter and show that you are a confident sexual person. That's why those girls said that because after you showed your personality it didn't show hints that you're good at sex and are assertive in the bedroom. Mind you now most girls do like aggression in the bedroom but your demeanor was too people pleasing and "friendly" but not sexual.

It hurts us guys especially if we are always in a business environment and we don't really develop the basic social skills to speak and have fun with both and and women. I am working on this myself. It's hard man.

bortanthehound · 2022-04-03T15:05:11+00:00

My dad told me once that when he was young, everyone told him that church was where you went to meet nice girls. The problem was that he wasn’t looking for nice girls.

But you are, so go to church. Or take some continuing ed classes or volunteer somewhere or something somewhere that might attract women looking to do something more positive than get shit-faced and used.

Subject-Craft5870 · 2022-04-03T14:42:00+00:00

Um maybe you find some new women? I mean, if you’re into all that, great, but do you want to be called “vanilla”. Or get into slapping, choking and spitting on women? Personally, I’ll take vanilla as a compliment

pablodiablo906 · 2022-04-03T16:01:55+00:00

First they are thinking about having sex with you. Second it’s a bit of a playfully ridiculing comment. It’s not a big deal, laugh it off, and escalate with everyone said that about Dorian Grey too.

stanthemilkman88 · 2022-04-03T16:23:34+00:00

Jesus, things are worse than I thought. Keep it up buddy.

Muramasaika · 2022-04-03T16:05:53+00:00

You're not looking for the right kind of girls bro, don't change, you're a good person and you can't have made it that far without knowing how to be assertive and dominant. You don't lack masculinity, the women you meet are simply damaged.

l0ft1369 · 2022-04-03T18:28:11+00:00

Nothing. Vanilla vibes pays bills, are emotionally sturdy and steady and make good money. If they are gigging you for “vanilla vibes” the. They aren’t worth the headache. Trust me. Im pretty damned vanilla, but i know plenty of strippers, hairdressers and redheads. Not worth your time for that kind of crazy. Give them a few years to mellow out; imho you are ahead of them

BangaiiWatchman · 2022-04-03T15:51:10+00:00

A girl told me this once too. That “I look like a ken doll” and I was so perplexed how to look more edgy. Now I don’t give a fuck. It’s just her opinion and I like the way I look. Don’t change yourself because of what some random chicks say.

throwawayacc73629240 · 2022-04-03T16:57:28+00:00

Don’t waste your time on women who don’t like you even if you are vanilla. It what you described is true you are a powerful person who has been through enough in their life to not take shit from someone. You are high value and should go for high value girls. Girls who say they won’t be with you because your are perceived as vanilla don’t deserve your time. Only advice I have is to maybe loosen up and show a little more emotion. I understand this may be hard and a therapist is great for getting you used to being more open.

Forget about your ex as well. If that’s what she did after a break up imagine what she could’ve kept doing if you decided to make things more serious with her.

Liberaler · 2022-04-03T15:00:21+00:00

You should start off by looking deep into yourself, in order to see your own true nature.

Having a wild side does not mean that you have to be immoral, you can try to express it in a way, that is not destructive. But it is also possible, that you truly are a "vanilla" guy. Even that would not be a problem. In this case you just have to look for partners, that are compatible and sharpen your senses to recognise them early on.

NattysAreCringe · 2022-04-03T20:54:16+00:00

How old are you? I'm exactly the same way and once I hit my mid 20s I began drowning in pussy. The "bad boy" types I knew in college are now living with mommy and drunk texting their ex.

Find a woman in the gym or in a sport. I realized I hate party girls even though they're usually the most conventionally hot.

RubyRedRoundRump · 2022-04-03T17:36:18+00:00

Do nothing. Embrace the vanilla vibes. Who cares what those twats think?

ButterMyPotatoes2 · 2022-04-03T18:17:46+00:00

I know that these are sexual kinks, but at the same time, some sexual kinks stem from mental instability. I have had phases where I would have said I enjoyed the choking, slapping, etc. etc., but those were dark times in my life, so it might put you back in a bad place to change yourself for those girls.

Again, I know that's not the case with everyone, but a possibility to be cautious of. There are other ways to show a dominance, masculinity, or being a "bad boy" in bed or in a relationship without destroying everything you've worked for.

Being those things looks different to a lot of people, and I don't think you should change the way you are. The right one will come around, and they'll be proud of everything you've accomplished and are.

Mundane-Currency5088 · 2022-04-03T17:13:12+00:00

I think you shouldn't put your dick in crazy. They are being upfront about wanting to feel dominated in bed. You can certainly do that with dignity. You are a very accomplished person and have a dominating presence. I would look into being a Soft Dom. The dominate performs for the submissive what the two decide together. The sub us asking for what they want, spanking for instance. You negotiate your consent to do that. So far they don't have your explicit consent as the Dom. They don't get to force you because they are the sub and the sub has (should have) control to stop the action if they get uncomfortable on their end as the recipient.

Erbium-Oxide · 2022-04-03T17:28:27+00:00

Get a church girl. Always the right choice.

DanielFromCucked · 2022-04-03T17:45:12+00:00

Stay away from those women my guy

jackzander · 2022-04-03T17:52:11+00:00

Vibes, shmibes. I feel like it all comes down to this: Will you actually choke a woman if she wants it? Will you enjoy that being a part of your sex life?

If yes, then yes. Restructure your vibe, keep attracting women who want it rough, and let them lead you down that path.

If no, then no. Keep your easy vibe, and put more thought into how you can attract the kind of women who probably look at you and think "Oh, he's too bad for me". Because that's definitely happening.

Worth mentioning though, in my experience, most women enjoy rough aspects to sex.

idrinkapplejuice42 · 2022-04-03T18:32:05+00:00

Watch these girls get themselves into abusive relationships cause they like this stuff. Theyll end up miserable. Hold out and find somebody that appreciates you for who you are. Dont compromise on this stuff. Look at the Will Smith situation. Will felt that he needed to be the tough guy to please his wife, and he's humiliated himself as a result. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what violence really is and how far it can go. These women don't.

skatlols · 2022-04-03T18:32:17+00:00

Why you acting like a wuss because a woman tells you you don't look like someone that would choke and spit on her?

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Do you want to be that person? If so, why? If not, why do their comments matter? Why do you even want to be with such girls? They may have daddy issues, but you certainly have your own lot getting insecure about an insane person calling you "not insane enough" and reacting that way.

Concealus · 2022-04-03T18:38:32+00:00

Lol these friends sound super toxic mate. Find a lady that jives with your personality. Don’t change yourself to appease others.

Iroh21 · 2022-04-03T22:11:50+00:00

Dang dude how did you make enough money to retire already? That’s dope

Seanrehe · 2022-04-03T22:16:13+00:00

Your a nice guy. sadly our society is changing, Be yourself. Suggestion. Try more religious oriented sites. You may find someone who likes your persona. Good luck

DishTrue6111 · 2022-04-04T01:00:53+00:00

These girls sound like assholes. The hottest thing is a guy who is fully himself. And what gets me is that actually your past is NOT VANILLA at all. Don’t even waste your time worrying about their opinion. You need to find a place to attract nice people that will appreciate you as is. You sound awesome!

GWARY54 · 2022-04-04T02:07:48+00:00

Sounds like your fashion is bland. Also, that’s a shit test and you need to double down and freak them out with something very risqué to surprise them

MissMabeliita · 2022-04-04T02:35:10+00:00

Don’t change anything because of what a stranger who doesn’t matter at all said. Someone will appreciate who you are and value that, you don’t have to do stuff you don’t feel comfortable doing or simply don’t care about to fit a mold.

Joe_Doblow · 2022-04-04T03:20:01+00:00

Get a vanilla girl

adi_Yogi · 2022-04-04T05:02:15+00:00

Don’t confuse strength with violence.

Sex can also be a power dynamic. Try it.

shaggy2gay · 2022-04-04T06:39:38+00:00

Find girls who aren't insane / annoying

docdeadpool7 · 2022-04-04T11:18:00+00:00

You just need to find the sort of woman that wants the same things as you. Every girl is dirty(I’m generalising). It’s that analogy: the woman is both the madonna and the whore. The point is many women in eastern europe keep “the whore” part hidden so they are not judged. But if a woman knows you will keep every one of her secrets she will do anything with you. The problem in the west is that they think it’s liberating to act like a slut. And who am I to judge, anyone can do anything with their lives as long as they don’t hurt anybody else/disturb anybody else. You need to learn to calibrate your energy. I suggest you read: “the alabaster girl” by zan perrion. This one is about how to shift your energy from “nice” to “bad boy”. Changed my perspective a lot on dating, it should help you too. The second one is: “my secret garden” by nancy friday. This book is about the female imagination and desire and how dirty, dirty, dirty the female mind is.(not judging you ladies, just pointing out a small truth of the universe). You got everything going good for you my dude. I’m sure you’ll learn how to use your masculine and “bad boy” energy eventually. Every man that knows how to deal with women has learned it. It’s a skill. So keep at it. Good luck!

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-04-03T14:58:33+00:00

This is a very typical nice guy problem. Basically you reject everything masculine because you associate it with a negative experience like gangs, crime, violence. But you tend to go to the other extreme of being a clean cut teddy bear. Get in touch with the stuff you find masculine that you may have rejected. It's okay. We ar enjoy all good perfect people. Women are attracted to real guys and real guys can be rough and tough.

AffectionateCry7957 · 2022-04-03T16:40:36+00:00

Put on eyeliner

Sea_Ad_9984 · 2022-04-04T14:07:02+00:00

Hmm sounds like u r dating kiddos... not sure what is your age, but mature women will appreciate the stability you provide and will be tired of "bad" boys games.

So keep being the person you like, kind and respectful! Don't change for some kiddos, you don't need to drink and do drugs and treat people badly, to be a badass.

I knew this guy who was super sweet and kind, would always open the door for you. At the same time though, he would walk with confidence, he would wear a black shirt and black leather jacket and had a chain around his neck (and there is sth about chains and leather jackets...), when we were on our first date I insisted on paying (since he had 1 drink and I had a whole meal), but he actually low-key went a paid for the meal without giving me a chance (which I liked a lot, cause when a guy insists on paying loudly it's like it does not feel as a good as when he does it in this low key manner not leaving you a choice, cause otherwise u don't know how much u should be insisting on paying); he also never shy away from eye contact, he had this intense eye look tha gave me goosebumps... well, things did not work out between us, but anyway, I still called him back badass gentleman cause he pulled it so well looking tough and masculine, yet respectful and kind. He also used to wear rings which is another big turn on for me, like if a I guy can pull it off wearing a chain necklace and rings and look masculine and badass, that's my guy lol

So my point is, yeah, don't change for kiddos, but do be open-minded. Don't change your good behavior, but feel free to experiment with the vibe you give away, that's all it comes to. Like see if u would like to wear a necklace chain, sounds weird, but this can be such a turn-on already. Maybe try to update your wardrobe (ofc as long as you feel like it) to be a bit more badass, and just walk with confidence.

Of couse, in sex, you can try to be a bit more adventurous, but some women will like it, some won't, I think it's all about communication.

Maybe sign up for some "masculine" hobbies like martial arts or I don't know what's masculine, watch some TV shows with "bad" guys etc, but don't change fundamentally; just experiment with changing the vibe u give away a bit.

but yeah, no need to play games, mature women will appreciate a stood-up man like you; lastly I would say do u watch porn or masturbate often?

I have noticed that guys who watch porn or masturbate often... kind of lose a bit of libido which in turn has some impact on their vibe. That does not mean go around and be horny, but also low sex drive can be associated with lower testosterone which in turn can also impact your vibe.

Appropriate_Ad3327 · 2022-04-04T12:09:14+00:00

Are the women that approach you black?

jjboy91 · 2022-04-03T15:26:05+00:00

What does it even means ? They don't even know you

AnonProgress22 · 2022-04-03T15:58:34+00:00

The fuck's wrong with vanilla? It's not your fault if some people need nine inch nails and a taser to feel even the slightest amount of pleasure, OP.

FlanneryODostoevsky · 2022-04-03T17:02:14+00:00

Tell them that trauma they running from is gonna in ruin sex for them.

LandscapeClear1630 · 2022-04-03T17:19:26+00:00

One of the girls said it's probably because she has daddy issues.

That's the answer.

thicchick · 2022-04-03T18:10:09+00:00

Girl here-absolutely not. This is part of your charm and part of your story. Personally I love it when I find a “vanilla vibes” kind of guy who has a little more going on under the surface. You should continue to be yourself, no matter what others say about it!

ayezinzu · 2022-04-03T18:10:24+00:00

“Made enough to retire while finishing up my degree“

I am genuinely interested in what kind of work you did damn

Snakehead004 · 2022-04-03T19:14:13+00:00

Dude you're doing great, amazing from what you say. Keep on the course, these women are below you and have their own issues that you're not responsible for fixing. Good women will 100% notice and respect the MAN you are while these lost souls will continue to chase violent, shitty boys.

random_question4123 · 2022-04-03T20:17:42+00:00

Weird. The typical girl might have those fantasies but they won’t just want ANYONE to do that to them. It’ll either be people that they trust, OR they’re having rape fantasies. If it’s the latter, and they see you as a big black guy that could be used to fulfill their rape fantasies, I’m not sure if that’s what you’ll want so they might not be for you anyway.

These aren’t assumptions that people should make just by looking at them. So, in a way, they were insulting you just based off of looks and/or how you carry yourself. I don’t think you need to change for anyone, especially if you believe you’re doing things right. Preferably, you’ll want a girl that likes you for how you are and isn’t trying to mold you into anything to fulfill her desires. So fuck them, you’re really only thinking about it because negative news hits deeper, you should remind yourself that you’re handsome, tall and successful.

Dick-Booger · 2022-04-03T20:28:14+00:00

Start by not spending anymore time thinking about those women and continue doing things you enjoy. Doesn’t hurt to push your comfort zone though.

MyName_isLame · 2022-04-03T20:43:52+00:00

You sound super sexy and those women prob just want a thug. Not all women care about that. Find your niche

gibsongirl2020 · 2022-04-03T22:36:26+00:00

Being good does attract them masculine also attracts them. If I could find a guy what would go to church with me and and get busy with me OMG! Heaven!

Maxoncillo · 2022-04-03T23:24:41+00:00

Thing about opinions like that is prejudice. You can use those kind of opinions in your favor. You're good enough for whatever women you want, you just have to understand what your worth is. Even though if you're not the womanizer type, you should just be yourself

Intelligent-Ad-9787 · 2022-04-04T00:26:21+00:00

Live the life you want and stay true to yourself.

merf_me2 · 2022-04-04T01:36:52+00:00

Wear a gimp mask at all times. People will have many thoughts but you being vanilla will not be one of them.

CindyLatwidth · 2022-04-04T02:42:57+00:00

Own it

LeftinthePnW · 2022-04-04T03:30:57+00:00

You’re the shit bro! You’ve done nothing wrong. Remember that it’s not about whether they’re interested in you, in the end, it’s whether you’re interested in them. If they’re a waste of your time, then don’t overthink it, move on.

lordofthebowl · 2022-04-04T03:51:18+00:00

that’s just them letting you know that you better be rough with em, don’t take it too hard

HelpfulCarrot123 · 2022-04-04T07:28:29+00:00

The ability to defend yourself is attractive but actually beating someone else for no valid reason is just stupidity and a recipe for disaster.

I’m a girl in a relationship and what attracted me to him was the fact he’s strong, confident and felt like a safe port to me. The kind of person that doesn’t scare easy (because life throws everyone a curve ball every now and again), that if you needed to be defended he would, but is also kind and caring and listens to you attentively when you need to be heard.

He’s amazing and I’m so lucky to have met him! He can also be that way and choke me on occasion and I’d never describe as vanilla ☺️

Change the girls your talking to, not yourself. You seem like a good guy, be open about who you are, what you’ve been through and what you overcame and the right girl that appreciates that will stay.

The only thing I’ll say visually maybe the dreadlocks are giving them the wrong idea, I’ll be honest, my preconceived bias makes me assume stoner when I see dreadlocks. If they are important to you keep them, if they aren’t that might be the one thing portraying a different image to who you are. Good luck 🤞

rawschwartzpwr · 2022-04-04T07:33:45+00:00

Assuming the girls who told you this weren't parting ways with you (breakup, cutting off contact, etc) sounds a whole lot like they were telling you exactly what they wanted you to do to them.

animeyukihira · 2022-04-04T08:05:00+00:00

nah bro don’t ever switch up who you are for other people. those girls aren’t for you and as long as you stay true to yourself, one day you’ll find a woman who loves you for you.

TheTruth221 · 2022-04-04T10:01:37+00:00

get some sprinkles

MachoCyberBullyUSA · 2022-04-04T11:46:35+00:00

I think you’re being fetishized based on your race and your look by women who sound like they aren’t really in your league anyways. They call you vanilla because you aren’t matching up to the expectations they were placing on you when they approached you.

I don’t think you need to change anything in terms of who you are. You can definitely find a woman just as structured and successful as you; keep being you. I think the only thing I would consider changing if you aren’t doing it already is using your strength to your advantage during sex and taking on a more aggressive/dominant style.

Doesn’t need to be anything crazy, things like picking her up, pin her slightly, a little hair pull, a spank here and there, be assertive, etc. just incorporate it mildly when you begin and you can always ask if she’s open to it before you attempt it. I think that’s probably an important thing to do given that you are so big so that your partner still feels safe.

little tweaks like that every so often seems to turn a lot of women on. It wasn’t a style that came naturally to me at all and something I definitely had to open my mind to.

tharealbro · 2022-04-04T13:30:28+00:00

These women aren't worth your time, my dude. You seem like an intelligent man that's motivated and has his priorities together. You need to find someone who will love you for you, otherwise these women are gonna fall for someone that isn't real and I don't think you will feel good about pretending to be someone else to win them over anyways. Sounds like they're not much of a prize and will only drag you down with their immature mindsets. Find someone on your level that also has their priorities together and will push you and motivate you to be even better and I guarantee you will be happier in the long run. Sounds like these women are the one's missing out anyways. I wouldn't even sweat it. Good luck to you.

Shrk_designer · 2022-04-05T12:24:43+00:00

You're a great guy op, please don't change who you are for women. The world needs more sweethearts like you, we have enough assholes and losers.

Jeffrey-Mortimer · 2022-04-07T08:11:51+00:00

Dude. You gotta date some white girls. Don’t even change. Lol

Title	I was told by two girls that I give off "vanilla vibes", what should I do about this?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	124
Comments	78
Date	April 3, 2022 2:37 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tvap48/i_was_told_by_two_girls_that_i_give_off_vanilla/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-was-told-by-two-girls-that-i-give-off-vanilla.1263010 https://theredarchive.com/post/1263010

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