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skatinislife446 · 2022-01-02T16:58:54+00:00

You’re nervous because it’s a ONS and you barely know the woman. Therefore, you see it all as a performance—how could you not? The woman is linking up for sex and if you don’t get erect they will bail, and internally, you may feel rejected or like a failure.

There are many mindful methods for changing this self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve found yourself in. YouTube has some good resources, Mark Manson talks about it; here on Reddit it’s been asked a thousand times, so know you’re not the only one.

The main thing is to stop seeing sex as a performance and to make yourself as comfortable as possible during the act so that your emotions are aligned. Sometimes this simply means communicating that you’re nervous and would like to take your time. Obviously this won’t cut it for some ONS, but that’s on them more than you.

I’ve found that the hotter she is, the more pressure I feel to perform. I’ve gotten hard on ONS plenty of times with women I already knew I had no intention of seeing again, whereas for the hotties, deep down I wanted to impress them so they stick around.

skatinislife446 · 2022-01-02T18:09:05+00:00

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Krative_Lifestyle · 2022-01-02T19:03:11+00:00

Its nerves and probably the porn.

Get the pill, docs give them out like nothing. You'll rock her world. Get into a long term relationship and you'll not need it because you'll become comfortable eventually.

svengeance_for_sven · 2022-01-02T19:36:42+00:00

When it’s not logical, it’s psychological.

maybebionic · 2022-01-02T18:33:56+00:00

Have you been taking any medications? Finasteride, Accutane, saw palmetto, any news vitamins?

2022-01-02T21:45:00+00:00

Porn to zero, and jerk it less and less until your brain rewires itself.

jjboy91 · 2022-01-02T22:29:34+00:00

You need the emotional connection more than you think

SilentSplit12 · 2022-01-02T17:07:23+00:00

Quit the porn

Ohhhwordddd · 2022-01-02T23:41:21+00:00

You got the nerves bro. But in the meantime there’s supplements that make it easier to get it up. L arginine for one and Gorilla mind locked and loaded turns you into a fountain

monstawonder · 2022-01-02T19:12:19+00:00

You have anxiety. It happens to me too... Just accept it happens, and never apologize for that - be funny "damn, your ass intimidates me". For me, it took some years to get comfortable with, sometimes it happens again. But I'm fine with it, the girls know I'm fine with it and just don't care. After some hours, I'm more relaxed and ready to fuck them.

And I know, some days you can't sleep because of that. It happened to me too, it's a sh*t. But the more times you "expose" yourself to it, the faster you will get past that mental barrier.

If you think it's something more serious, go to a psychologist, they will help you get past that faster, for sure. In reality, the first thing I recommend you to do, it's going to a psychologist experienced in sexology or something relatable to that.

MiddleNameDanger · 2022-01-03T01:24:03+00:00

Go to the doctor and get your testosterone and prolactin levels checked. There are a whole bunch of reasons those two could be out of wack.

Lucky-Mustard · 2022-01-03T06:17:18+00:00

Go 90 days without porn/masturbation.

Mitchel338 · 2022-01-02T18:13:52+00:00

Talk about it before sex, for me this takes pressure away and if she responds well makes me feel more connected to her.

Alex_O7 · 2022-01-02T23:20:52+00:00

There is a chance that you are not for ONS and there is nothing to shame you for. Imho in this case there is nothing you can do other than avoiding ONS situation and rather pursue FWB relationships or more serious relation.

i_love_crazy_hobos · 2022-01-03T00:36:42+00:00

Probably minimizing porn is good. I think getting in your head about it will make it harder (no pun intended). First couple times I was with a super cutie I'm seeing, I couldn't get hard. For me I just had some nerves around her.

I think it's not totally unnatural to not get hard around chicks the first time. And really, I dont think its a big deal for them really. Just be honest, and accept it. It's not something you need to be ashamed of. You can still finger the girl, eat her, and make that pussy sing. She's not going to be complaining.

If it takes you a couple times to get hard, no big deal.

Also if she wants to give you oral this often helps me. Andy from Kill Your Inner Loser has some tips about not getting hard - one of them being to not stress about it.

Joker_RH · 2022-01-03T02:40:12+00:00

It's the porn and masturbation. I had to quit one month before things functioned normally and I wouldn't lose my boner. Scared me too

Admirable_One6045 · 2022-01-03T02:59:21+00:00

Stop jerking off to porn.

Boobmaster989 · 2022-01-03T04:06:45+00:00

Quit porn for a month - problems solved.

IOnlyCameToArgue · 2022-01-02T20:31:06+00:00

"Minimizing the porn"

Bitch that needs to be fucking zero. Your brain and cock are addicted to that sugar. You need to be down to zero porn for months*** like 6 to 9 months.

ld20r · 2022-01-03T01:19:16+00:00

People will say too much porn and that might be true but she’s also responsible too for arousing you and getting the engine started (so to speak)

You can’t get a car going without turning on the engine first. So you have to ask yourself this question deeply and honestly, what are your turns ons. What can you do to get yourself in the mood and what can she do to get you in the mood?

Perhaps you need to spend longer time with foreplay. Perhaps you need more physical stimulation, massages to loosen up or maybe you need aural and verbal dirty talk.

These things matter. And far more than people think.

You could not watch another adult image again for the rest of your life but if you don’t have an exact idea of what you like on a primitive level or what arouses you as a sexual being then no amount of abstaining will help.

You need to get to the source. What turns you on more than anything else in the world and what are the exact things someone can do to turn you on or that you can do for them that will turn them on.

Don’t ignore your sexual needs or hers. Getting someone in the mood can also have the effect of you following suit so don’t sleep on that.

Also it’s worth noting someone being attractive or “hot” doesn’t necessarily translate to sexual or emotional arousal either. Sex is far much more than just a physical bond.

If you want my advice, get creative and create a sexual environment before you get down to it. Put on music to set the mood, role play if to create tension or talk about kinks or specific things you like.

A band doesn’t just go on stage and performs music. They talk it out with each other, practice and rehearse the songs, and that’s why a performance might feel seamless and effortless. Because they prepared for the moment.

It’s the same thing with sex and intimacy. You need to Communicate effectively to the other person.

tanujtxt · 2022-01-02T21:47:18+00:00

Are you taking finesteride?

coldbrew18 · 2022-01-02T22:28:24+00:00

Are you taking any medication?

iamintroublehelp · 2022-01-02T16:35:20+00:00

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TheHungryRabbit · 2022-01-02T22:43:52+00:00

Porn developed extreme fetishes what can’t be fulfilled
U might fap way too hard, your skin there got used to it so you would need similar constant pleasure to keep it up

Same boat, my advice would be to fap once a week, no porn and do it really gently

ShoppingCommercial18 · 2022-01-02T23:46:41+00:00

For the first time I think it's fine to have a more selfish mindset as long as you're not a total dick about it. Literally going in there for a nut and to enjoy yourself. She will bring whatever she brings to the table which you may or may not like so just do you. There will always be a second time if you're a decent person

2022-01-02T22:45:59+00:00

Porn is bad. Masturbating desensitized you. Or maybe you were stressed and nervous. Talk to doctor.

jbo99 · 2022-01-02T22:37:43+00:00

It’s the porn

axe122 · 2022-01-03T00:24:35+00:00

Check your diet and water intake as well as the other advice people are giving. It’s probably most likely psychological but your diet can make a difference in your sexual appetite and performance

FilthyStylish · 2022-01-02T17:17:09+00:00

Visit a doctor.

ShoppingCommercial18 · 2022-01-02T23:43:02+00:00

Yhh you're in your head. Performance Anxiety

leonce18 · 2022-01-03T02:35:28+00:00

Porn is knowing to cause this. More common amongst men than we think it is. Stop watching porn

Moikepdx · 2022-01-03T01:55:28+00:00

Addressing the last part of your comment: porn does not cause ED. Avoiding masturbation and porn is not a cure and is not helpful. That whole myth is grounded in religion, not science. We should not spend our time echoing those lies here. Particularly for people who are suffering.

I will follow up with an edit adding a citation shortly.

Edit as promised:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202201/evidence-mounts-porn-doesnt-cause-erectile-dysfunction%3famp

MeeloP · 2022-01-03T03:20:54+00:00

Watch some porn before hand get rock hard n then go for it

Sharp-Computer-2179 · 2022-01-03T01:28:21+00:00

Step 1:Don’t post about it.

excentrik-art · 2022-01-02T19:19:37+00:00

Well... You can be gay. Just sayin.

You might need some more kinks/D/s/fetish stuff. Think about it or watch some specific porn.

You might need some specific type of arousal, like head, feet, glove ...

You might need younger/older/different body type.

If nothing works, visit a doctor. Better safe than sorry

quebbers · 2022-01-02T21:46:40+00:00

Hey dude, 28 male here. Had this problem, finally got help. DM if you want to talk, I know I needed it when I had the same problem.

2022-01-02T22:01:08+00:00

Get your test levels checked as well as your progesterone and estradiol levels

2022-01-02T22:18:54+00:00

Bro had the same thing . Your just nervice . Try to chill and be relex with the girl,

What aslo help with my is . Be more ok with being naked. What also helpt was going to a spa. The first times is creazy scary but after that . It is just normal

Intelli_gent_0601 · 2022-01-02T22:47:14+00:00

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videogames_ · 2022-01-02T22:59:01+00:00

Consider Viagra but talk to your doc

FlatDistance5 · 2022-01-02T23:09:17+00:00

Viagra. I take 2 before intercourse last all night

Without it.... I still get hard at 90-80% and get soft halfway through especially if I’m doing all the work.

Consider pumps before she comes over. Makes dick bigger and easier to draw blood into you dick

How old are you. Are you on test. If not get your blood checked maybe it’s hormonal levels

But if you decide to go more natural start meditating. And realize if you can’t get hard maybe it’s because she’s too hot. Make it a small thing.

Make a joke about it. Tell her to suck it. Tell her he’d rather cuddle. Either way don’t make it a huge deal.

Those are some ways to address it

DryAdhesiveness6579 · 2022-01-03T02:12:40+00:00

bro just order blue chew

Sensitive-Permit-877 · 2022-01-03T02:52:44+00:00

You are Gay. No lol check your prostrate and blood levels. Talk to a doctor. Do you take meds sometimes that can screw it up. When I was 26 I was on med and panicked that O had ED lol nope. Could just be nerves too but 2 hours is alot. You will be fine

Sir_George_Stokes · 2022-01-03T04:17:35+00:00

How the fuck everyone is getting all the girls online and having so many matches while I barely get one in a month?

2022-01-03T04:20:57+00:00

Happened to me when I lost my virginity. Should become a non issue with more experience

willgo-waggins · 2022-01-03T06:19:52+00:00

Get some viagra online.

Rockfella27 · 2022-01-03T06:57:26+00:00

Lmao.... Internet has made us very conscious when we shouldn't be. Good luck op. Fact that you are "performance concious" means you're good at it but don't be too hard on yourself.. specially when you're dating nonstop.

everythingharam · 2022-01-03T07:49:36+00:00

Following

kinosavy · 2022-01-03T12:33:15+00:00

Cut porn for life. It really is a waste of time. Then learn to separate ejaculation from sex for pleasure. You'd make love for hours.

Ghostilluminati · 2022-01-03T12:40:14+00:00

Simple answer of you don't watch too much porn. Get out of your head

Unoi8ub4 · 2022-01-03T12:45:24+00:00

Serious side question...how about if you have the opposing problem, like you get hard on a normal basis and with normal regularlity but it is dammed hard for you to actually ejaculate?...

Seriously it is an issue and gotten to the point of it that a fair amount of time I will actively avoid sex rather then just be teased again. Doesn't hardly ever masterbate and have a varied sex life when I choose to do so. Just kind of takes the fun out of it if at least 7 out of 10 times nothing happens for ya except feeling good then feeling frustrated haha.

It cannot be my partner since this has been going on for most of my life.

I don't watch porn, seen it a few times and have no interest in watching people fuck on a screen lol.

Title	[deleted by user]
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	182
Comments	104
Date	January 2, 2022 4:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/rudbbz/cant_get_hard_28m/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/deleted-by-user.1269823 https://theredarchive.com/post/1269823

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