The wasted time

Flogginga_dead_horse · 2021-11-16T22:14:00+00:00

In finance we use a term called "sunk cost" meaning money that has been spent and cannot be recovered. Therefore you should not consider that cost in your future decisions.

That should apply here also. I'm in the same boat as you. 54, divorced last year after almost 20 years. I just feel so happy that I'm no longer with that abusive egoistic woman. I feel so much more at peace with myself now.

Would I have preferred to live with a great wife in a healthy marriage? No doubt, but that was no my situation. Therefore I'm very happy with the decision I made. The fact that I found out that my (now) ex-wife was boning other men didn't make my decision any more difficult :-)

If you are not happy, try to work on your relationship so that you can become happy. If that does not work then get out. The earlier the better.

ps: Loosing half of your shit (money etc) at age 50+ is no walk in the park ...

Good luck!

AdultishRaktajino · 2021-11-17T00:04:43+00:00

My main regret is not divorcing sooner I suppose. I wasted time trying to fix something I knew was unfixable.

I accept it and moved on.

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today.

RolandMT32 · 2021-11-16T21:45:17+00:00

I was only married 4 years (together for 6 years) before getting divorced last year. We actually hadn't planned for divorce, but that's another story.

I try not to think of it as wasted time. I think that's a recipe for depression (I've been depressed this past year), and I think it's best to avoid thinking that way. It's a chapter in your life, and I try to be grateful for the experiences and things I learned. It can be hard though.. It feels like a part of me that is now gone.

JohnCR61 · 2021-11-16T22:24:59+00:00

I was married 37 years. It wasn't a waste of time. I tried to look at divorce as a time to start new. Go ahead, feel sad, depressed, whatever. But when you done think of all the things you are able to do after the divorce. For me it was fix the house the way I wanted it, get the kind of car I wanted, take weekend trips without having to worry letting someone know where I'm going or worry that they will get upset. Enjoy the freedom!

jani_cannellio · 2021-11-16T21:44:57+00:00

Never look back, you have a new begging now, I am in almost the exactly same boat, would have been 25 years. You can't look back only forward imo.

BurnerMan7 · 2021-11-16T22:19:02+00:00

Similar story here- kids and good times through those stages of life are not a waste. It's part of your legacy. Now, a new chapter, and while nothing is guaranteed, you have a life expectancy that exceeds the length of your marriage. Own it and embrace it.

InAJam_SoS · 2021-11-16T22:48:16+00:00

It seems 50ish is the male/father age area. Can you imagine what kind of situation you'd be in 10+ years from now had it kept going?

I'm sorry it happened this way for you but try to hold on to the great things that did happen and you experienced. There's now way you can say from your current vantage point that anything was wasted. You never know what good things this opportunity is opening up for you and what you're now prepared for.

I don't know if you have kids and their current ages but your self identity just broadened. You've been a husband, father, and now you get to be yourself as a individual again while STILL having held and STILL holding those titles and personas. I think I miss my version what I thought I'd be in the future, but that wasn't even real. It was only this picture I had in my head.

SirOssis · 2021-11-17T00:20:28+00:00

54 and I was married to a covert narcissist wife who never cared about the kids and I. We were together for 20 years. It was a loveless, sexless merry go round of misery. I think sometimes I should have left earlier but my kids would have been neglected and ignored. We can’t go back only forward.

The poster who mentioned sunk cost fallacy nailed it.

Jonger1150 · 2021-11-17T00:22:44+00:00

I met my ex-wife on my 21st birthday in May of 2000.

2.5 years later she started a 9 month long cheating spree that any normal man would run from....my dumbass took her back after she begged me to take her back. She claimed she was going to kill herself if I didn't. Hyperdramatic and probably full of shit. Anyhow, I figured she would be humbled by this and treat me good with a second chance most people don't get. Nope, she was a nasty OCD sociopathic weirdo with an unusually explosive temper.

For the most part I took her ridiculous outbursts better than I probably should have. The interesting thing is that her mother was EXACTLY the same way with her father, bless that man's heart for dealing with it. Sooooo.... it's probably a part of who she is and nothing is gonna change it. Going back further, her grandmother sounds like she was the same way. Divorced from her first husband back in the 1940s when divorce was super rare....she remarried a man (her biological grandfather) and according to my ex-wife....he was torn apart constantly by grandma.

Every woman in her family except her sister is a total bitch to their significant others. My only crime is that I had an issue with her weight and told her about once a year to handle it. Wow.... I get beat-up 365 days a year verbally and she gets a gentle reminder of her weight occasionally. Phhheew....what a brutal man I was.

Sooo..... two kids, the daughter never wants to come to my house and my son is a good boy to his father. But, I too feel like I wasted my one chance at having a solid family and those 20 years are gone. The prime years of my life....gone on a weird woman.

Now, she's in a revolving door of men...the current one being super short and involved in BDSM bullshit. He gets off on dominating larger women for pleasure. She in turn has a guy that won't leave her.

A total mess....and a total waste of life.

MartyMcFly7 · 2021-11-16T22:18:47+00:00

It wasn't a waste, because I enjoyed that chapter (26 years) while it was happening. (If I didn't, I would've been motivated to get divorced a long time ago). I also got 2 great kids out of the deal (and a lot of sex, housekeeping services, child care, etc.).

What can be difficult is losing that connection you spent your life building, but you don't get divorced because things are great, you do it because you hope that there is something better waiting for you on the other side.

Speaking of, just last weekend, I was set up on a blind date. She turned out to be a total knockout. Much better looking than my ex, and we shared much more in common. The divorce was rough, but this new experience would not have been possible if I'd stuck around in my bad marriage.

If you can work on it, I'd encourage you to at least try. State your needs and expectations. If she's not willing to help you with the basics, kick her to the curb and find someone who will.

cschoonmaker · 2021-11-16T23:18:01+00:00

Together 24 years, married for 19. I look at my kids. They were NOT a waste. Anything else that was wrong, no matter how much of my life I spent involved my kids make it worthwhile.

CrazySanta7 · 2021-11-16T21:55:59+00:00

Think of the good times (hoping there were some), but flip the page to your new chapter. It's blank so start creating new chapters to finish the book.

WartimeDad · 2021-11-16T23:35:02+00:00

There is only right now. Leave the past in the past. Enjoy the moment.

slice73 · 2021-11-17T01:55:48+00:00

I was told something awhile ago that helps me sometimes. All of my time, all of my experiences, my marriages, my old jobs, etc. were not wasted time. Rather they were the road, full of potholes, up hills and down hills that led me to the person I am today. I struggle today even with thinking about the wasted time but I have to remember this.

Rough-Area4765 · 2021-11-17T02:52:51+00:00

Bet you that in the divorce woman groups/subs, they aren’t looking at it as “wasted time” but rather “what was the average payout per year of service?”……I know my ex does that with her divorced friends and they compare average payout per year and how much child support they are each collecting per month……and of course the next “all girls” trip since they all have daddy daycare for free!

So, I would challenge you to think of it as simply yet another bad mistake, that took much longer to fix. You fixed it and your life will go on to your next mistake…….

Don’t get me started on the money I lost but money can be earned again…….easy for us men to move past that quick.

KEK0811 · 2021-11-17T02:55:03+00:00

As hard as it is to understand for you right now, most of us on here have been in your situation, and I think we would tell you to make sure you don't waste the REST of your life. I'm 50, single after 20 years. Not going to sugarcoat it, shit is hard when you are going through it and all seems lost, but there is life on the other side. Make sure that you realize that you have a ton of quality years left to live, live them to the fullest, and that may mean as a single man!

Caeolian · 2021-11-17T05:37:04+00:00

Its only a waste if you didn't learn anything. Losses are only losses if you got nothing out of your experience. What have you learned about yourself?

Wewinky · 2021-11-17T06:03:36+00:00

Look forward to what could be instead of looking back to what was. Cause you can't do shit about the past but you can something about the future.

Creative-Drop1816 · 2021-11-17T02:02:58+00:00

A lot of good comments in this thread.

You will continue to feel it is a waste until you realize that you are so much more important then the relationship you had. You are the only one that you will truly spend every waking moment with. Take some time to appreciate yourself and look forward to all the things you can accomplish. Like everyone has been saying it was a good chapter, but the book is far from over.

Good luck my guy

schmidter7 · 2021-11-17T04:53:15+00:00

On the bright side, you have the rest of your life ahead of you not to waste.

This is what haunts me and has me considering divorce. I've wasted my 20s and mid thirties. Do I want to waste another day, year, decade?

SireSweet · 2021-11-17T13:20:56+00:00

I don’t consider it wasted now. I got married had a lovely child. Not everyone can say they have done that. While not perfect knowing that type of love between a parent and a child is so much more rewarding even if for the short term.

Weather-Local · 2021-11-17T13:21:16+00:00

U just made me feel better

Eedoryeong · 2021-11-17T13:26:06+00:00

No disrespect, but that immediately strikes me as far too poisonous a way to look at it. For me, much better would be you had x years of marriage, y of them good ones, Then you consider the memories. . Then it is less of an all or nothing investment. And that can free up emotional energy for bucketlist planning. Good luck

whatshouldwee · 2021-11-19T16:32:09+00:00

Did my 18 year tour of duty. Lots of backstory like everyone, but all said and done I'm happier being out than being in with all of the toxicity that had built. I'm actually starting to enjoy being single at 50...come in the water is fine.

CoachCWC · 2021-11-24T03:22:40+00:00

Same scenario. 25 years married and I am 48. Wife just wants to sit at home all day now and never leave. We should be out living our best lives together and having fun. Is it wrong of me to feel like leaving because then I would just be going out alone and seeing the world. Love my wife but the boredom is killing me.

Title	The wasted time
Author	SteelRidge
Upvotes	29
Comments	30
Date	November 16, 2021 9:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/qviscr/the_wasted_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/the-wasted-time.1083748 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083748

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