How early is too early?

haunted_vcr · 2021-05-24T09:18:46+00:00

From engagement to marriage takes time. 10 months isn't crazy, in fact in my culture if it isn't clear after a year, the advice is generally to get out.

I highly recommend you read up on and get a consultation (by yourself) on family law. It's good to understand the legal and financial implications to you. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst always.

Congrats to you and wish you happiness :)

discoveringliberty · 2021-05-24T12:04:01+00:00

I think that since you're still under 25 he should wait until after you're 25 to propose. Your early and mid twenties are a time of enormous personal growth and change. Then after that a 6 month to year long engagement would bring you closer to your late twenties and give you time to ensure that this is still something that supports your best interests. FDS advocates for waiting for a proposal no longer than between 1-2 years, I think this is a very good rule to follow and wouldn't be concerned about what others think provided you have done the necessary research into how marriage will effect you legally.

Congratulations, it sounds like wedding bells are definitely in your future!

Platipus6 · 2021-05-24T10:30:13+00:00

I'm lazy, so getting engaged and married on the exact same dates as you met appeals to me 😂 (+1 year, +2 years)

Google "askreddit questions to ask before you get married" and go through the popular ones. There are so many topics to discuss. You're going to be with this man for the next 60-70 years.

You're concerned about what other people think more than what you each think? :( Is there some friend or overbearing family issue?

Lavender_flow · 2021-05-24T12:15:50+00:00

I have a hard time telling people what to do in situations such as this, because "too early" varies from person to person, I think there are many more aspects to consider for me personally before marriage, and the the time frame is literally the least of my worries. I am also older than you, so I wonder how I would have felt regarding this when I was in my early 20's, because I feel like a completely different person now, than I was when I was 24. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is just make absolutely sure you don't do this with "rose tinted goggles", so many women have fallen down this pitfall of "the one" and ignored so many redflags and problems, to simply have what they want = a man.

I think most women getting married always think they have found the one, but a quick look at any relationship Subreddit or a particular one centering mothers who are on their last straw tells quite a different tale. I do not say this to "rain on your parade" but I do hope most women on here go into with their eyes wide open, so they don't get into some nasty surprises later.

I wish you you the best, and I hope it all turns out in the best way :)

nahradfam · 2021-05-24T10:07:44+00:00

For me, I don't believe in engagement without the intent to actually start planning the wedding. Wedding planning can take time and most couples I know get married up to two years after announcing the engagement but have actively planned to marry the whole time.

Whether ten months is too soon to get engaged is entirely up to you but I would caution against intending on a 'long engagement'.

A lot of men propose to 'prove' they're serious with no intention of actually getting married.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-05-24T14:18:55+00:00

I think within a year = he should know he wants to marry you and have made this clear

Engagement (proper w ring) = around 1.5-2 years. It takes time for people’s true colors to show. For there to be disagreements where you see how he handles them. For there to be adversity in life so you can see how he handles it and overcomes

Actual engagement id do a year, maybe more if you’re planning an actual huge wedding. No longer than 2 years.

I’ve dated someone for ten months when I was around your age and been positive I wanted to marry them, then things happened that revealed a side of him that I might not have seen until those specific events, and it changed my mind and caused me to end it. The other commenter is right that it generally takes 18-24 months to get out of the honeymoon phase and really get to know someone. If you’re certain it’s meant to be, there shouldn’t be a massive rush to get legally married, marriage can be a wonderful sign of his commitment (or a ploy to get your guard down, not saying this guy specifically is like this but there are men out there that are psychopathically good at seeming HV when In reality they’re cheating or whatever… marriage does NOT guarantee he’s HV) but ultimately it doesn’t change an already good relationship (in that it doesn’t magically make it better) and it doesn’t guarantee success or anything about him.

yoursultana · 2021-05-24T14:35:06+00:00

My general timeline advice is proposal must happen by 1-1.5 years (unless you or him or both of you are under 25), and then there should be a period of 1 to 1.5 years until the actual wedding date/ceremony. So a total of 2-3 years max from first knowing him to fully married.

Eli1984 · 2021-05-24T15:04:18+00:00

I can only tell you how my SO and I do it. We got engaged after 18 Month and we will get married 11 month after that. I´m 37 and he is 34, we also dated other people and we know what we have found in each other. No need to wait. And even if it´s not my plan at all, BUT - a divorce is easy and fast nowadays ... just saying ^^

We also thought about the "what will others say" and at the end our answer was "fuck what others think, WE feel ready"

Wish you all the best :)

3v3ryR0s3HasItsTh0rn · 2021-05-24T14:22:11+00:00

Prenup.

Ladyofblades · 2021-05-24T13:17:39+00:00

I would say 2 years minimum.

Why? It takes time for people’s true selves to become completely apparent. A year is nice but IME it’s not enough time to see a person in every light or stressful situation possible.

My advice - if you haven’t already have him take you on a long trip. One that requires planning and care, to a unique place (life changing, so on). Try not to indulge too much in luxuries and focus on the experience. A potentially stressful adventure will show you as many sides of his nature as it can, while giving you memories to appreciate as well as shedding light on how he handles himself in unfamiliar situations and different environments. Plus you get to see how he handles logistics and planning.

A trip, difficult project or the like is what I’d recommend undertaking before thinking of marriage. LVM are easily defeated and filtered out by things like these.

alphasquish · 2021-05-24T17:21:14+00:00

I am older and a single mom, so my experience is different, but....

My ex-fiancé proposed to me around the 6-month mark. It was not unexpected as we talked about it and picked out the ring together. I thought since were older and had life experience, etc that I knew what I was getting into.

I very sincerely wish I had waited. Though he had a lot of HV qualities on the surface, there was some serious LV shit going on that became very apparent after he locked me down. It was very stressful and upsetting for me to end up dealing with all the post-marital stuff he didn’t bother working through before dating again.

I know you are both young and neither of you are bringing in that kind of baggage, but the lesson rings true across any circumstances: give it time. The honeymoon phase/ new relationship energy wears off in a year or two. In my case it happened faster, and I realized I was not happy and getting taken advantage of with little in return. Just make sure you’ve given it enough. I’d say give it at least another six months for engagement and then at least another year after that before getting married.

mmkay33 · 2021-05-25T07:31:38+00:00

[deleted]

gcthwy · 2021-05-24T12:54:02+00:00

The honeymoon phase doesn’t end until 18-24 months in, so I’d say it’s soon to get married and maybe even soon for engagement

thowawaywookie · 2021-05-25T07:16:49+00:00

10 months may be a bit too early. It's easy for things to be great when there's no conflict or hardships.

Have you told him no or have been disagreeable with him?

Have you taken a trip together? I highly recommend a camping trip.

Does he know how to cook, clean, live on his own, pay bills on time, save money? How is his employment?

What are his parents like? Siblings?

HumanAdhesiveness360 · 2021-05-25T04:41:57+00:00

Personally I think you're too young for marriage. I got married at 22, divorced by 32. I am fundamentally a different person at 36.

Devils_Tango · 2021-05-24T19:13:17+00:00

Highly recommend pre-marital counseling by a professional.

mitskiismygf · 2021-05-24T10:57:51+00:00

You’re both adults & presumably not in school so I think around the 1 year mark is the ideal time for a proposal. Like other people have said, long engagements are usually bad news, but personally I don’t like the idea of rushing into a wedding a few months after engagement either! 6-12 month engagement gives you an opportunity to feel out what your partner is like after they feel like your relationship is “secure”.

2021-05-24T15:05:14+00:00

There is no right or wrong time to get engaged. Some people need longer than others. If you’re both financially,emotionally, spiritually in a good place I don’t see why not! If you have discussed everything such as division of labour, children,religion and finances you’re good! I would also recommend doing mariage counselling it’s mandatory at my church but you can go to any secular therapist. Also look at getting a prenup. I know it’s not fun to look at but it’s easier to negotiate when you’re in love. Also have a secret saving account that nobody knows for emergency. I wish you all the best!

MACMUA · 2021-05-24T17:00:06+00:00

Girl I’m Mexican.

I literally got married right at 18yo and had kids immediately.

Don’t feel bad for feeling like this. You are a queen and should feel I’m control of your timeline.

Title	How early is too early?
Author	mmkay33
Upvotes	166
Comments	34
Date	May 24, 2021 8:57 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/njtf0h/how_early_is_too_early/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-early-is-too-early.756398 https://theredarchive.com/post/756398

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