Please don’t enable men

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-11-16T18:05:28+00:00

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I'm sensing the letter writer might be a narc. No where does she state that her son asked her to help with childcare, move in, or "enable him keep his life together." It feels like she saw an opportunity to be a savior and swooped in. Notice how she says nothing about how the kids are handling things and it's all about her hurt feelings? A good grandmother would be concerned with her grandchildren's welfare and be vetting the new woman after the children lost their mom, not making it all about her feelings and triangulating her son (and probably the kids) against the new woman.

ETA: This is another common narc tactic, she might even have tried to use the answer as another triangulation by misrepresentating the situation to the author and trying to garner sympathy, then if that worked she would have used it as ammo in "her case" against her son, like "look even this stranger says you're being awful to me."

Buttercup5555 · 2021-11-16T18:07:31+00:00

Good for this lady for helping in a true time of need but one of the things that make my skin crawl are mothers enmeshed with their sons and centering their entire life purpise around serving and martyrdom. Like lady, you have already done more than enough, go have your own peaceful life and have them on sunday roasts. Her being offended at a perfectly reasonable request would make me reconsider the marriage entirely if I were that fiancé. Cause that's just a preview of whats coming unless the lady gets some serious therapy.

Healingirl · 2021-11-16T21:26:08+00:00

??? I don't see what the problem is. The son's reaction is actually perfectly normal. For once, it's a guy who puts his partner before his family which is the right thing to do if you want to have a committed relationship and we don't see that often. Why would the mum need to live with them.. I don't get it. Sure she helped him for years but did she do that just so that he feels forever beholden.... well that sucks.

I saw another comment and yes I smell some narc vibes from the mum too. They usually do you a favor just so that you see how good they are. Everything is a mean to an end with them.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-11-16T17:13:37+00:00

For anyone interested in the advice:

Kicked to the Curb: What you did for your son and grandchildren was heroic. Dropping that blame bomb on your son's fiancee is not. Your son and his new wife absolutely, completely deserve space to create their own household. It has nothing to do with you personally. And it's as much your son's choice as hers. A woman who had not lived in a crowded household and not nursed her dying mother would reasonably ask this. If I were in her place, but coming from my own home after years of living alone, I would ask it. You're facing loss and upheaval, yes, and it hurts. I do sympathize. I'm arguing your son's case so forcefully only to shine that “different light.” So do not damage your relationship with this couple with your wounded feelings. Find someone outside the family to talk to — a therapist, ideally, or a friend you can trust not to stoke your grievances. Someone who loves you but also understands the couple’s wishes is best equipped to guide you. Remember, too, that two mothers' deaths, a wife's death, grieving children, a new marriage, and people in new roles as stepparent and stepchildren is a ton to navigate already. They need allies right now. If you're truly seeking other perspectives, not just validation, then you're halfway there. Now tell your son you're sorry you pushed back — if you can mean it — and you stand ready to welcome his bride and still help from wherever you land. Practice saying it till it flows. It is your way into this family, not out.

NotYourCirce · 2021-11-16T17:31:49+00:00

Maybe I’m missing something but in many western cultures it’s normal not to live with your parents-in-law. It seems reasonable to ask her to leave but i can understand she feels like she should be rewarded or compensated for her work to help her son’s family through this death. That’s an issue they’ll have to work out as a family

Edit to add; what does she mean she feels like she’s being “punished for the sins of a dead woman”?

UnapologeticWife · 2021-11-16T18:11:18+00:00

Maybe a not so popular opinion to follow-

The mother is understandably grieving (not in a sense of death) the loss of her previous life and now this change as well. I think many people would feel used by their child as an expendable placeholder in similar situations.

But, she WAS enabling him and he took full advantage of her enabling nature. I do see her actions as enabling because she didn’t go for a short time until the man could get through some grief and rebuild, she went to stay and likely find some sense of purpose for herself. She stayed too long and he took her for granted, didn’t take any steps towards independence on his own….Until he found a replacement for her labor (emotional and child/home management).

The son is hurting her - didn’t really think about his mother’s feelings in the past or now. It’s understandable that he wants a typical family life and his request is normal and reasonable. Both these things can be true at the same time.

He needs to acknowledge her sacrifice made for him and acknowledge that he didn’t think of her heart as his was hurting. She offered him invaluable support and is now being asked to move on (again understandably and reasonably) without real gratitude or support from him.

This is why we need to be so careful about enabling vs supporting.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-17T02:43:19+00:00

I have zero sympathy for the mom. I have no strong feelings about the potential marriage here. We really have nothing to go on for judging him. I mean I might have let my mom move in to help care for young kids - the logistics can be tricky with school start times differing between elementary and middle/high school, plus kid activities. Him kicking her out now could be a positive. I am neutral on him for lack of data. Mom is a narc hands down.

2021-11-16T18:42:12+00:00

Omg she really thought he would keep her after he got married? Lol poor mom

kermitmyfrog · 2021-11-16T17:20:49+00:00

All this is so sad. It’s like these women are having a conversation about what to do about the children as the three grandchildren and her large adult son play with blocks in the other room. Of course son went out immediately and found a replacement wife so he doesn’t have to learn to do laundry or cook grilled cheese. And now replacement wife has taken over all the mommy duties and this grown man’s two mommies are fighting over who gets to be mommy in chief. How do men not find this emasculating - at the very least it’s infantilizing?

Character_Peach_2769 · 2021-11-16T22:00:33+00:00

I can sympathise somewhat with the mother here. It reminds me of the dynamic between my brother and mother- she thinks he loves her so much and does everything for him, and he takes full advantage of her.

Really I think she's longing for a place to belong and feel needed and special. Now she's finding she was used and her son can simply switch her for another woman's labour. The fantasy of their special bond is crashing down around her.

I think this is sadly a common situation for many mothers, and there are many men who will exploit this.

However, the mother is clearly also a pick me. "I assumed she would welcome my staying on after marriage." She's holding the fiancee very much accountable for her son's actions. Perhaps she hoped her 'special bond' with her son would take precedence over the younger woman.

Yet another example of the mother in law - daughter in law feud, and another man benefiting off women's need for male love and validation at any cost.

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-11-17T00:16:31+00:00

Anybody see the show I love a Mommas Boy ? Yikes lady .

RaspberryJuiceBox · 2021-11-17T02:51:31+00:00

I feel bad for the kids. Dad is kicking out the woman he took care of them like a mother so he can bring in a Mommy McBangMaid.

They absolutely should not be kicking out grandma after she’s just dedicated five of her remaining years to his kids. Not only did she develop a huge bond with her grandkids, but she could have spent that five years living her own life, travelling, socializing with friends, instead she‘s back on the front lines cooking, cleaning and child-rearing for a man.

My child is very close with his grandparents and if one of them came to live with us under a similar circumstance and provided so much help, I would absolutely never kick them out.

I bet his new wife doesn’t want grandma to move out. I just don’t believe a woman is eager to be a stepmom to two kids, they are going to resent her taking not just their mom’s place, but their grandma’s place too.

The columnist’s advice is terrible too. It’s based on the notion that mothers should always sacrifice for their kids but not fathers.

The father should keep grandma with them, for the kids at the very least.

My guess is the kids will feel neglected. Their dad and stepmom just won’t give them the same attention grandma does and the kids, especially the youngest one, will want to move with grandma.

The new wife will get fed up and move out because it’s not going to be the life she had expected (like I said, I believe she is expecting grandma to stay and hubby is lying about her wanting her own household, and that he sees women as interchangeable) and then hubby will ask grandma to move back in.

The best solution would be to move to a bigger house.

I feel bad for everyone involved here. The son is being so selfish, he’s just going to make everyone miserable.

Title	Please don’t enable men
Author	herbivorouscarnivore
Upvotes	289
Comments	43
Date	November 16, 2021 5:12 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qvcp28/please_dont_enable_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/please-dont-enable-men.1083787 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083787

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