An article states im Abusive

bismarck8888 · 2015-08-19T13:25:34+00:00

I had a similar thing happen a couple of days ago. Not the abusive claim, but threat of leaving.

It all happened because my princess wanted to sleep in late on Sunday and one of my kids had the audacity to wake her up without me realizing the kid was awake after I told my wife I would try and let her sleep in the morning. (I was in the kitchen with the other kid taking care of breakfast and getting things ready for the day). Big shitstorm ensued.

She said she would get out, stay with her sister-in-law for the day and find an apartment. I showed her where the door was and said there was no way the kids where leaving the house.

I let her swim in her own misery while I took care of the kids and things around the house. No running to her to ease her feels and no apology because I was taking care of things in the morning like a responsible adult with kids.

Of course she didn't leave and we had sex two times in the next 12 hours.

It is all about the changing power dynamics. If your wife is very opinionated and stubborn, like mine, there will be several threats like this and main events, not just the One. Stay in frame and be strong. Practice OI.

Instead of validating her feels and giving into her thoughts about "selfishness", I joined another soccer team the next day. I am going to have fun and live my life instead of what I use to do by sitting around the house trying to outrun her hamster.

irateMD · 2015-08-19T13:32:19+00:00

The fact that she couldn't articulate the specific abuses suggests to me that you are not actually abusive. If you are trying to ask us if you have been abusive, you need to consider if you have been doing abusive things, such as public humiliation, insults (not just teasing), beatings, etc... If not, then this is the main event shit test. She will either come back or not. You are handling it well.

As others have said, your son should stay with you. Make plans for the days when she's gone (maybe something that your son wants to do more than visit his grandparents). She might want to talk to her parents about the relationship - she shouldn't do that in front of the kid. You'll take care of your son. He wouldn't like the car ride anyway.

Boesman12 · 2015-08-19T12:45:15+00:00

I have been lurking for a couple of weeks. I think I got most of the lingo, but what does OI mean.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-08-19T14:27:51+00:00

MRP absolutely CAN be abusive and it certainly can SEEN to be abusive. You are taking back power from the almighty Goddess of the realm and anything that interferes with female power to destroy men is "abuse" to the Feminine Imperative. If your princess is used to standing on a pedestal and overseeing her domain, bringing her down to your level is "abuse."

On the other hand, most of the time whines of fake/bullshit "abuse" claims are often a comfort test requiring you to reaffirm your love and commitment to her.

"Oh darling, you know we only abuse the ones we love. That is why I abuse your pussy every chance I get." Then grab her and hold her in your arms until she kisses you and gets control of her hamster.

withholding affection at times

Now THIS is abuse? Let me guess, when the wife refuses to fuck you for weeks and months that is NOT "withholding affection" cuz, Hamster? Fuck that noise. This is pure gas lighting. She KNOWS how to get your affection. Here is the thing- she still doesn't find you attractive enough to behave the way a woman behaves when she is attracted to her man. Thus, a lesser man building his attraction and forcing her to sexually respond to him is.....wait for it.....abuse!

If you have never actually put your hands on your wife in anger, then I would physically prevent her from leaving with the kids. No fucking way does she get to walk out the door with your children unless there is a court order OR there is a burly policemen with his gun drawn ordering you to let go of your child's hand. Pull out your phone and tape the 'kidnapping' for all to see. Call the police yourself and tell them your wife is kidnapping the children from your home without your permission. Sure you will probably go to jail- but I would rather go down fighting before you hand the kids- and the child support- to her without a struggle.

All that said, I think this is probably a rebellious wife throwing a final Shit Test before she gets with the program. So you need to hold frame.

Try to articulate the "abuse" you heap on your wife and then try to consider "abuse" in terms of HER behavior. You will figure out quickly who is the real abuser.

And if she doesn't, why do you want this creature in your home anyway?

"You should want to change for me!! Otherwise if you put yourself first it's selfish."

"Oh my Queen, you know that everything I do I do for you."

TLDR: Agree and Amplify. If she leaves, let her go and you head out that night cold approaching the hottest women you can find. If she tries to take the kids, I wouldn't let her all the way to physically preventing her and calling the police to report a kidnapping. Those are YOUR kids, just as much as hers.

Archwinger · 2015-08-19T15:15:51+00:00

Think about the kind of person who decides to walk out on her husband because she read some article in a Woman's magazine.

Now think about how she's acting. It's a power play. She's acting exactly like she would toward a child. "I'm going to count to 3, and if you're still doing that thing I told you to stop doing, I'm going to spank you....1.....2.....2 and a half.....2 and three quarters.....look! I'm really, really going to spank you if you don't stop! Okay! Here it comes! Here's the actual spanking!"

Whatever. She's making a power play by trying to position herself as mommy and you as the child. You did the right thing. There's no half-in-half-out.

Now she's trying to spin things as, "I still have to go because the tickets are non-refundable!" See? She didn't want to waste money. So she went ahead and just had a visit with mom.

The real reason she can't back out now is because she told her mother you abuse her, was probably vague about what she actually meant by "abuse", and now she can't not go, because she'd have to come clean to her mother that you're not doing anything wrong and she was just making a power play.

angels_fan · 2015-08-19T14:35:55+00:00

Has she given you any specifics on how she thinks you're being abusive? I'd really love to hear what her hamster is spinning in her head.

Any chance you could link the article in question?

enfier · 2015-08-19T17:25:54+00:00

First mistake was to take her accusations seriously. This conversation was a power struggle, not about abuse. If you want to deal with an argument you need to understand the underlying forces that are bringing it up and deal with those. If you look at actions, it's pretty damn clear. You increased your power, she picked a fight about it, she's now threatening you with leaving.

So here you are in the middle of this power struggle and it sounds like your wife realizes at this point that you A) Don't give a fuck and B) It's not working. She's already signaled her willingness to give up on it, but it's going to be hard for you to explain. The next step is for you to actually step into the power you've been granted and tell her to cancel her airplane tickets without the refund. Then you have her call up her parents and explain it to them.

I'm not suggesting that you actually prevent her from leaving, but I'd be clear that taking the fight outside of your marriage isn't acceptable behavior. It makes you look like shit, it makes her look like shit and you will not change your mind.

My wife has pulled that before "We need to go see a counselor" and I simply told her that I didn't need a third party to validate my decisions.

teeay · 2015-08-19T20:46:46+00:00

She doesn't sound like a great loss, to be honest. But you seem to be doing the right things.

Countpudyoola · 2015-08-19T14:01:48+00:00

She was really hoping that would bring you back to her frame. Ironically her threat for you to capitulate and change yourself away from improving your life, when you changes have no outward detriment to her other than she's not always getting a betaboy to treat her like a princess, could be construed as manipulation and abuse.

Now's the time to knuckle down. I'd say this is the main event. If you really put on that you are totally unphased by her leaving and she may pull up on the rudder (note: either way shouldn't affect your behavior).

"You need help packing?"

When she leaves you start rearranging everything to suit your needs. Make the house a man cave. I might even change the locks. She's deciding to leave and that has much larger consequences than she's playing at. For me she would not be allowed to just come back because some arbitrary time has past and she sees you aren't crawling back to her. There'd need to be a concession and apology that she overreacted. And it'd have to be proportional to the scale that she's fucking with you and your kid's well being in her attempt to bully you with threats.

Good luck. If her parents have even a modicum of intelligence they'll realize their grandkid needs a stable home and she's being ridiculous. If they even hard pressed her about how you are abusing her, what in the world can she go to? My husband expects we'll have a sex life? WTF is she telling them? They probably are morons though if they're just letting her move in without trying to work things out with you over things like vague assertions you're a meanie-head.

Do you get along with them? How do her mom and dad interact? Is he a career beta?

On a side note if my wife every started pointing to some article telling me my behavior was abusive I'd just say "That article is abusing me" "Stop abusing me with that article" "Oh I should call the cops now, that article is so abusive to me" laughing... and be a total retard about not taking it seriously.

That article was the equivalent of a horoscope. Open for her to tailor and find whatever meaning she wanted.

In general any time my wife starts talking about a study or something by rote I say "Interesting. I'm assuming that's a peer reviewed double blind study with a large sample size?" just to hammer the point home that one article/study does not a fact make.

theultmatecad · 2015-08-19T14:03:02+00:00

This seems like a routine power play to reclaim her pet beta. If you break frame then you will lose alot of hard fought ground.

Still...get an attorney involved as her departure may have legal implications that could affect you and your son

FearDearg2015 · 2015-08-19T10:46:12+00:00

Sounds like this is your "main event"?

This a big-time test of your frame. You seem to have handled it well so far. She's essentially expecting you to stop her. To save her from her own emotional outburst. To validate yourself to her, and to "prove the article wrong".

She's read this one article, and its gotten her hamster running. She might leave. She might stay. You are outcome independent. You are not gonna get all butt hurt because she made this threat. Continue to hold frame, act cocky, hold onto yourself.

There is no point trying to hamster it yourself. No point trying to rationalise her excuse for "I would but I cant". Don't get drawn in. Don't act all relieved of she decides to stay. Don't act all butt hurt if she decides to go. "leave one Road open for your enemy to retreat" (or something like that).

Search for some other "main event" field reports on here. You'll recognise a lot of similarities I am sure. AWALT.

chief_slap_ahoe · 2015-08-19T12:07:15+00:00

I would say. If you leave I take it as a separation to get divorced.

I might be wrong.

marxistbacon · 2015-08-19T14:17:01+00:00

I doubt whether she actually sees you as "abusive". It sounds to me like with all the changes you've been making, and the changes in the power dynamic, there's something there she doesn't like but she can;t quite put her finger on it. She doesn't like losing the power, she doesn't like seeing that she can't control you anymore. That feeling of discontent just sits there like sugar in a super-saturated solution. Then all of a sudden comes along a seed crystal of a magazine article and then, BOOM, it all collapses into one big chunk. It's not the abuse, but the feelings that have been going along with it. The article was just a convenient catalyst; if not that, then something else would have triggered this.

She's in limbo right now. She sees that you have a frame, but her hamster still thinks that her frame is the only one in town. When she said "why can't I leave and things stay normal"... WTF??? So she gets to disappear from the marriage, spend time getting validation for her feelz from mommy/ sister/whomever, but meanwhile YOU have to keep providing your beta bucks and smiling as if things "stayed normal"? Seriously, that's some next level disconnect with reality there.

It sounds like you're doing OK with your assertiveness. Think carefully about your boundaries and defend them with action, not words. And don't make empty threats about separation or filing papers or whatever - don't say that unless you are 100% planning to follow through. Else she'll learn she can call your bluff.

I'd also lay off on the "I'm making myself a better man" stuff. While true, it sounds kind of gay, and obviously she thinks it's a load of shit, so keep bringing it up isn't going to get the message across.

In a slight tangent, a post-divorce friend of mine recently gave me a "flowchart" he got from a therapist to help him identify whether or not he is or had been a controlling bastard to his wife. (Because he's a man, he's obviously the prime suspect in all the relationship problems. Because...male.). All the fields were about "HE does this to HER". 'HE makes it hard to communicate"... "HE gets angry easily"... and so on. We both shook our heads in disbelief about the one-sidedness. In hindsight, 90% of the shit on the chart was stuff my ex had done to ME. But was there a handy little chart with government-sponsored acronyms at the bottom for identifying when women are dominating and abusive cunts to their husbands? Fuck no. That article can be cut neatly into squares and hung on the nail in the outhouse.

whinemoreplease · 2015-08-19T16:14:55+00:00

emotional manipulation 101. i'd laugh at her.

Sepean · 2015-08-19T12:12:43+00:00

Congrats. This is the main event, the alpha graduation exam, and it sounds like you're passing it.

Hold frame, stay OI, and you'll be fine.

I'm guessing her main problem right now is that she told her mother you're abusive and she needs shelter. How about she just told her mother that you're an asshole but she loves you anyway?

LearningTheRules · 2015-08-19T09:02:49+00:00

Also I can see where you guys can think I went too over board, but this only spontaneously occurred when she read this article and now she randomly has her eye opened to all this abusiveness. "Crazy how much abusive I never notice." And I'm like.i don't understand tell me. She's like "I can't word it well but it's all in the article."

fasterpussycatdie · 2015-08-19T10:27:05+00:00

She says what's worse is that I seem to be getting happier with my SMV going up, but hers is going down.

How did this conversation go down? She actually made this statement or is this a super condensed version or something.

dandar4600 · 2015-08-19T12:15:40+00:00

Are there kids involved? If not then what about her job? She's getting a vacation or leave of absence? If there is no job and no kids then let the leach go and start spinning plates.

druganswer · 2015-08-19T19:29:01+00:00

Shit test chicken. She's looking to draw you into beta begging her to stay. She'll either turn you and be happy in the short run and dislike you in the long run or you'll let her fly away for a bit and she'll be miserable and come back knowing you really are this new you.

bogeyd6 · 2015-08-20T05:28:10+00:00

This is classic "pay attention to what she does, not what she says".

Jessie_James · 2015-08-19T17:04:28+00:00

What was the article she read? Link? Details?

You may want to read this:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

If you're not on this list, and presumably you're not, then print it out and give it to her. Point out very clearly that this is written by a Ph.D and he knows his shit. Presumably she read some crap written by an intern at Cosmo, so she needs to wake up.

I would tell her something like "Babe, I am in no way, shape, or form abusive to you. Yes, I am changing, because I am reading highly rated and highly educational self-improvement books. In fact, you're welcome to take a look at every single one. [Consider dropping No More Mr Nice Guy down]. My goal is to make our relationship better than it has ever been, but in order to do that you need to get on board and trust me. I am going to make some mistakes, because who is perfect? Ok?"

If she threatens to leave, tell her politely and calmly something like:

You can do whatever you want, but if you walk out on this marriage you are NOT coming back. I won't tolerate being treated like that, and that is completely and utterly destructive to our marriage. As I improve, you will need to improve as well, and we can make it, but you have to trust me and work with me. Ok?

Osoto_Gari · 2015-08-20T07:27:59+00:00

Article was a pro chick article written by a chick for chicks?

I'm no MRP expert nor Redpill expert. Don't have kids. Fucked up my life choices in a big way because I didn't know jack shit about anything.

That being said - it certainly sounds like you're on the right track.!

You are the prize Abundance mentality

You're not abusing her.

Be the man you're meant to be

turbosympathique · 2015-08-19T11:33:53+00:00

What the hell kind of "I would but I can't because I left my stove on" excuse is this? Anyway, I'm just looking for a discussion here.

You called her bluff and now she is stuck with the consequence. It's that simple. And she is stubborn and won't admit that she was wrong!!!

No you are not being abusive. (This is just gaslighting) She is freaking out because the power dynamic as shifted and she NEED your leadership but she is conflicted by what she want and what she as been taught by the matrix.

Now for the way forward. If you are at ease with RP concept and are able to have actual discussion about sexual dynamic with her, then it would be a great opportunity to show her some of the RedPill stuff Like this and this for a start.

If not you will have to lead her blindly...... It's harder but doable.

JM0ney · 2015-08-19T18:02:39+00:00

Interesting. The way this story reads, it sounds like her empty accusations of abuse is actually her abusing you.

Have you pointed this out to her?

Title	An article states im Abusive
Author	LearningTheRules
Upvotes	21
Comments	95
Date	August 19, 2015 8:58 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3hk8wp/an_article_states_im_abusive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/an-article-states-im-abusive.201180 https://theredarchive.com/post/201180

Comments