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ms_monquis Archive

View 3 posts and 1,203 comments by ms_monquis on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

I got you. Nicely said.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 04:25 PM
3

Doesn't sound so much like you "don't care" as you just don't want to be continually disappointed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 02:40 PM
8

That's not the context in which he himself tells that story.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 11:03 PM
67

Normal, healthy people don't want to be famous. It's that simple. If there are any "celeb couples" people should look up to, it's the ones they never see.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 05:33 PM
55

The first time I read that interview, that very quote jumped out at me in 3D. I wonder if that's what he really said or if this is a hindsight revision. If he really said that, I'd love to know how his mother responded.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 05:30 PM
1

It's a dangerous lie that encourages people to stay with someone they shouldn't because it suggests a level of investment that has not yet been reached. It's right up there with "soul mates," another dangerous lie. "Love at first sight" is also a term someone may use in retrospect to describe someone who they eventually develop love with to romanticize their initial attraction as something deeper. It's perfectly fine to be interested in/attracted to/lustful for someone you've just met; it doesn'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 05:17 PM
23

Laws made when we all died at 24...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:48 PM
81

Substitute just about anything for "dating a high school child who is half his age, and the age of some of our children" aka "misusing a woman" with just about anything else, and see how clear this guy gets. Beating a dog? He'd "confront him." Shoplifting in his presence? He'd "confront him." Cheating at cards? He'd "confront him." Drinking domestic beer? Shit-talking the bros? Using too much elbow in basketball? Literally anything other than abusing a "technically legal" sub-18 year old girl?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:47 PM
44

This reads like this guy KNOWS it's fucked up, but thinks he SHOULDN'T feel like it's fucked up. That seems the actual source of conflict for him. "Guys, why am I so uncomfortable with this? What can I do to get past not feeling like this minor child is a full human being and congratulate my BALLER FRIEND for having such a HOT LITTLE PIECE?!?!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:43 PM
43

"Technically it's legal..." He says that multiple times. Dog fucking is "technically legal" in a lot of places, too. Think he'd be comfortable being "judgmental" about his adult friend doing that?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:29 PM
67

Right, age of consent was never intended to be a loophole.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:28 PM
2

Yeah mine wasn't about sex work either. My replies are almost always all about self-advocacy and people's specific situations. I don't think the content matters at all, which is why it's that much sadder. It's the same old unoriginal "is it that time of the month?" / "who hurt you?" meme.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:25 PM
3

I'll be honest, I also laughed when I got one. Not immediately... at first I was confused. "What had I said that might make someone be concerned??" Then I realized, this account is basically just for this sub any more, sooooo... I asked some other people on the sub and they were all like "congrats! you've been scrote-noticed!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 09:22 PM
3

Oh for sure! I have a couple of friends currently planning weddings and the things their own families are saying and doing are insane. Even THEY are surprised by how these people are acting, and they've known them their whole lives! This is why I "eloped" — it's just one more measure of bullshit I have no interest in participating in.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 09:00 PM
4

Oh yeah, the pre-wedding thing. It can get pretty gross. My friend's bride-to-be went on such a severe crash diet to "look good in the pictures" that all her hair fell out and she probably did permanent organ damage. So, I hope she enjoys those pics!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 09:22 PM
6

Sure, I've noticed. Eating isn't usually an "activity" for single people. Once people couple up, eating becomes an actual activity. It's the date. It's the thing you come home to/for. So it doesn't surprise me at all. (And this is setting aside the entire possibility that people stop trying to keep weight off once they think they've locked someone down and don't have to worry about their looks any more.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 09:21 PM
8

Right, a lot of those things fall under "yeah, that's normal." The way she's expressing it though is troubling. Maybe I'm reading in between the lines, but it looks like "you're doing something I don't like? okay, I'll just deal with it until you do something I DO like" over and over. Plus a lot of service: "call me if you need anything, I got you if you're hungry" etc. and not enough "we" in there, like nothing is reciprocal. I was almost waiting for "I use your bathroom and your toilet has 1" …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:50 PM
7

I’ve been skewered in other subs for pointing this out, but it simply can’t be glossed over as a generally bad idea to have children without the legal benefits of marriage. No arguments here. I come from a family of super-breeders and every time, they act like it's a surprise. SO many out of wedlock babies, SO many multi-baby-daddy families, SO much struggle. And STILL they act like it's all a big mystery. That's our US culture now — children are just part and parcel of the woman. Date a woman, …
/r/askFDS08/12/21 08:40 PM
14

Damn. Thank you for sharing with us these valuable valuable insights. Thank goodness for your "savagery" — it may have saved your family.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:27 PM
24

However you were treated in the past, they'll assume that's what you deserve. You have to act like you've always been treated impeccably. This is a sick but beautiful point. "Oh she's the kind of girl men keep throwing their dicks at." Doesn't matter that, ya know, any woman online is going to wind up getting dicks thrown at them, it still makes HER the ho.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:20 PM
22

My thoughts exactly, too. The spirit is good, but the details...eh. Also any time someone presents something like the homonyms thing, I roll my eyes. I don't need to SAY "please know 'your' from 'you're'" I can just block anyone who introduces himself with "your pretty" or worse "ur hot." "OMG please have basic grammar skills" is not as precious as a lot of people think it is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:16 PM
27

Same here, sister. I met my first boyfriend online when I was a teenager, let's just say a couple of decades ago. I've been sitting in on that nosedive ever since. It occurred to me a couple of years ago that almost all the men I know have hardwired their phone to their dicks, like Pavlov's fucking dogs. Doesn't matter what they are ACTUALLY doing with the phone, as soon as they touch it, their body goes into pornpornporn mode. So even the ones who WERE genuine and trying to date sincerely ruin …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:12 PM
25

I think we all kind of start off like that. Not because we want to present ourselves as passive, just because we are trying to be genuine and open minded when approaching dating. That usually lasts about a day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:08 PM
17

The last line in my one current profile is something like "if you ask where I'm from or what I like to do, I will hang up on you." (My profile has several very clear interests/activities listed — they are SO set up for success if they just look at it.) So it's very clear to me when someone throws that generic shit at me that he's just responding to my picture. Instant block, not even worth a look at his profile.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:07 PM
14

And not one of them responded to your match, did they? (If you tried.) I am 98% sure that Hinge, at the very least, creates their own fake profiles to get us to join. Highly certain Match does the same thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:03 PM
37

Absolutely 100% believe this. Being "new" puts you in a different bracket. So does changing your profile text often. The reason I am banned from several OLD apps is because I called them out for fake profiles — the fakes THEY make to get you to join. I'm on another one that I paid for for 1 month and the day my subscription ended, I suddenly got an entirely different batch of "matches." Such a coincidence, huh?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 08:02 PM
1

I don’t know why men do this (take you on dates, tells you how much he likes you) but turn around and say there’s no spark or still need more time. We do know why, though. Right?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 07:36 PM
1

Why are so many men intimidated by successful women? Because they’re weak and instead of getting stronger, they prefer to surround themselves with even weaker people to make them feel bigger. Anyone who ever says you’re too [positive attribute] for him is right. Take him at his word and GTFO ASAP. And I am not kidding. Don’t try to convince him that noooo, he’s smart and brave and strong! He deserves you! You’re being tested for abuse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 12:56 AM
5

Ew gross yeah there’s that one, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:50 AM
6

I also want to recognize something you said in another reply that you don’t want to/shouldn’t have to raise an adult man, and that is 100% right. You’re the only one in the position to know whether this is “providing him with valuable insight” or “telling him things a normal, functional adult” should know. I readily admit that I’m not the greatest with social norms, and I find it very valuable when someone recognizes that I’m an oaf who means well (but I also have no expectations that anyone els…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:46 AM
1

It’s so demented because basic humanity will get someone SO much further.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:41 AM
6

Totally agree. The question of how discerning he is with this “positivity” is a significant one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 11:38 PM
78

Does he ever compliment men in public? Or elderly women? OR children? This is a good point. I almost wanted to ask if he compliments men, but that's a whole toxic masculinity minefield, it wouldn't have anything near the same kind of meaning. Keeping an eye on whether he "backslides" during rough patches is another excellent point.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:53 PM
2

Absolutely!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:43 PM
13

I hear you: does he get it or is he just shutting you up? Some of the worst damage done to us by those shitty relationships is it makes us question ourselves and our own judgment. Honestly, I see nothing in the things you posted that gives me pause about the guy. I see a lot of what I personally would consider green flags. I can't know if there's more behind the scenes, and I definitely sympathize with you being gunshy. But at a certain point, we have to be careful about just hunting for things …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:41 PM
14

I don't know, I can get behind the impulse of wanting to "spread positivity," if taken on its face. I have definitely done some dumb shit I didn't know was dumb shit because I didn't have the perspective. But when someone did share that perspective, I didn't fight them on it either. Neither did this guy — she told him complimenting other women was inappropriate, and he stopped. It doesn't sound like he was saying anything creepy, or telling HER how hot other women were... something like this can…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:33 PM
18

Fucking rust belt. Any time I'm on ANY OLD I have to lie about my education just so I don't get 99% truck drivers. (That isn't even shade at truck drivers, you just can't tell me that 99% of people on this app are truck drivers.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:09 PM
18

"Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late." — Felix Frankfurter I can't speak to everything, but you said at least twice that you question him changing his behavior because of something you said, instead of just doing it himself. That sounds like you're trapping yourself. You are a different person and you bring to him a perspective he cannot possibly have. Is it possible that he hears and values your opinion/perspective enough to follow throug…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 10:05 PM
5

There are so many stories on this sub that leave me wondering how people could be that tacky/rude under normal circumstances, nevermind when you're trying to get to know/impress someone. Are they so hormonally brainfogged that they don't get that having some basic politeness might help them get a date?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:58 PM
2

Some people are just such a fucking bummer. They suck all the pleasure out of life. Then they don't understand why no one wants to be around them. It isn't cute, you aren't engaging, you're just a big black hole of bummerness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:55 PM
4

OMG have we talked yet?? I'm a sewing hobbyist, nowhere near this level — I saw you casually drop that PR audition, don't think I wasn't impressed! But yeah, if I say "well, I love sewing —" and I get some version of "great, you can hem my pants!" we're done here. If you want to DM me your channel, I guarantee I'll watch it, if I'm not already. I LOVE watching technique videos and am consistently blown away by the amount of hard-won info crafters will freely share.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:54 PM
5

Shit, I'd tell everyone about the unpopular places I want to visit. I just about dare people to question why I'm doing something awesome.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:50 PM
10

I recently crossed paths with an artist on OLD, a painter. He wanted to show me his work, which I enthusiastically encouraged. I don't like his paintings but because a: I'm a polite fucking person and b: we're getting to know each other and I want to encourage him to open up, I found a thing to say. "I like those colors!" It's that simple. Then I said something about being so excited about an exhibit that's coming to a local museum in February that I was considering flying to another state to se…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:49 PM
6

I get this all the effing time. It's so bizarre. You're turning the fact that I have a lot of interests into a negative? Are you insane? Yeah yeah, I know I know, the problem is that I have interests that don't include him and that I don't put myself up on a shelf between boyfriends, waiting for them to come along and make me a Real Girl again. Seriously, so bizarre.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:45 PM
6

In my mind, the only reason to ever get a PI involved is if I need to document before suing someone. And I don't mean "sue for divorce." At last count, 17 states were no-fault divorce, so what either of you did makes no difference. If someone is hiring a PI just to prove/disprove her suspicions, she's too far gone. I'm not sure daytime TV is a good example, but you see it over and over and over, women coming in saying "I just want proof that he is or isn't doing [whatever]." Then she gets the pr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:37 PM
14

The problem is when people in your life ask you to justify your life altering decision to leave. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it. You NEVER need proof to leave someone. Shit, you don't even need a REASON to leave someone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:29 PM
18

I really appreciate your mother's POV and her intentions. She's definitely not wrong. But like a couple of other people said, I wouldn't want to hide my profession or accomplishments. High-achieving women get "punished" by certain sorts of people, and they usually make it clear who they are the moment they learn what level you're on. And GOOD, I want those people to out themselves ASAP. I want to know he's impressed, not intimidated (gods I have grown to hate the very word), as any man on your l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:21 PM
47

I will say that there are a lot of men in my area that are very highly educated professionals and make six figures and above and they tend to desire women that are also accomplished at a similar level, Give me a zip code, I'm already packing...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:11 PM
32

He wasn't talking about his girlfriend, it's a roommate's girlfriend. Bad enough, but super duper yikes if he was talking about his OWN girlfriend. But yeah, cleaning up at a boyfriend's apartment? The hell? Does she clean all her friends' toilets? This is not a thing that makes any sense to me. Any.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 09:06 PM
10

SO much value in this post! Rock that grad school!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 05:39 PM
264

Don’t be confused. He doesn’t actually believe what he said — he KNOWS she’s more attractive than he is, and this is him trying to knock her down to keep her clinging to him like he’s a door off the Titanic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 05:31 PM
28

It’s really hard to resist trolling them sometimes. I mean how many times have you see that glum-ass downward looking jowly selfie over a profile saying “I love to have fun.” Well tell your face that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 03:42 PM
40

It's not really negging if you're just criticizing someone. The "magic" of the neg is to knock someone down so you can more easily pick them up. Sounds more like you're just antagonizing. ;) :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 03:17 PM
99

Men sabotage their own sexual opportunities as if they're being forced to be heterosexual against their will. I SWEAR!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 03:16 PM
154

"...but your pinky is just so...pink-y."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 03:15 PM
158

Four stars for that doctor. See, even men can recognize when these lunatics are off the board. ETA: I just remembered someone telling me years ago: "If you ever want to instantly inspire paranoia in someone — anyone — wait until he has a mouthful of food and say '...do you always eat like that?'" I like the small wrists though!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 03:13 PM
605

Single. He should feel single.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 12:27 AM
26

Yeah, there is more than one way to be HV, just like there are many ways to be healthy and confident. FDS isn't here to judge women that way — I think the sentiment just got caught up a little in an internal filter.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:51 PM
20

I hated that whole show. Addie is hilarious, and she's based on a real person, so I suspect that whole relationship is ripped from the headlines, and man did I hate it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:48 PM
5

And as soon as you can fake THAT, you've got it made! ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:45 PM
21

That's sort of what I was thinking. He thought he was going to introduce her into this fancy lifestyle, and she's like "I know it well!" He panicked because, oh shit, that was my best card, I can't escalate — abort! abort!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:35 PM
16

Hey, video games ain't free, lady.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:31 PM
34

It's weird, isn't it? The last time I talked to a new person who was a potential date, before we even got to that point, he said on the phone that he's "off on disability after a surgery so I'm only getting half my salary, so ya know, money is tight blahblahblah" and I was just thinking...why are you telling me this? The first time we speak? Not even talking about a date yet? Off-putting at best, a total set-up at worst.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 09:31 PM
1

It’s not a red flag that he asked you for options because you may want to explore his city. I love when men give options, I think it shows respect for what I might want instead of just what he wants. I agree with this. Yes, you want someone who is eager to put in the effort and some heavy lifting, but if I'm trying to date someone from a distance, I might actually be a little put off if he just insisted he was going to come to my city. It could be a fine line between "suggesting options" and "be…
/r/askFDS23/11/21 04:55 PM
2

My ex-father-in-law did it, and my ex-husband TRIED to do the same thing. And then had the absolute NERVE to suggest that his failure at achieving that particular dream was an argument for what a good guy he was, since he was just "not that good at lying."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 04:41 PM
1

I'm not sure I really have questions so much as I just continue to observe. I will ask about people's families, that's just normal chit-chat. I'm not very close to my family, but you're never going to hear me shit-talk them, so I'm always interested in how men talk about their families. The main thing is to just not get blinded by your own excitement. Not don't get excited! I wish I still had that option! Being aware doesn't mean you have to have your dukes up all the time. You're allowed to enj…
/r/askFDS22/11/21 06:35 PM
26

I got a bad case of #3 just yesterday. Here's how it went: • Connected with an artist online Thursday evening on a dating app I pay for; he asked if I was free, as he was going to a local gallery that night and thought I'd be interested. I was not free, and it was too early to meet him anyway, so I told him I wasn't available. • Exchanged numbers Friday to show off some art, swapped some non-selfie photos; he asked if I was free, as he was going to another museum event and thought I'd be interes…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:21 PM
32

Amazing. You also touched on something that has made me very sad. On several occasions, I’ve become friendly with a married woman, thinking, “This is great, she has interests other than chasing men, I won’t have to deal with that particular type of drama…” and then boom, surprise. “Actually we’re poly, and my husband’s cool, he likes you.” Goddammit, can I not feel like prey in ANY relationship??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 02:32 AM
19

By the time I stopped listening to his podcast, his response to every single issue was “there are X billion people on earth, go find someone else.” How TF that can masquerade as advice is beyond me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 02:28 AM
42

My experience is people who love the high of the chase and “falling in love,” but are incapable or uninterested in maintaining a relationship of any depth. The “primary” is the most convenient/useful. Anecdotal, obvs, but literally every poly/open/monogamish person I’ve ever known changes their tune once they meet someone they really like. (Also almost every relationship I’ve known like this starts out with one partner being pressured into it.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 02:23 AM
33

I’ve never been poly, so I’m just addressing #3: Nothing. That’s my answer. I can’t think of anyone I would owe an explanation for that, nor would I attempt to formulate an answer that wasn’t wildly insulting. So, nothing. It’s like someone telling you how great it is to be on heroin, all the best people are on heroin, and you should definitely also be on heroin — what, you can’t HANDLE it?? People happy and secure in their choices don’t need to convince other people to join them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 02:18 AM
6

Same here. Cheers to the women who enjoy it, but my thoughts on fancypants are a: yawn and b: ouch. Yeah yeah the good stuff is comfortable yadda yadda, but just as much as “sexy ≠ uncomfortable,” “comfortable ≠ ugly.” ALL my panties are comfortable. ;) Simply, I don’t want to date someone hung up on — or even impressed by — lingerie. It’s weird. It’s like RP.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 02:12 AM
13

I’m sorry you got hurt. But I’m not sorry you can still get hurt. Having and keeping your standards won’t always protect you from getting hurt, it just mitigates and stems the bleeding before too much damage is done. Having standards doesn’t make us robots… being damaged enough might, though. I’m proud of you for having your head on straight and not letting the gooey feelings talk you out of keeping your priorities. It’s a thing we can’t even be faulted for. But what happened here is exactly why…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 12:53 AM
12

It’s the routine that works to get into ladies’ pantaloons. Everyone knows it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 12:44 AM
2

He…won’t LET me…not spend my money. Huh? I wonder what she’s actually afraid of. It can’t be that he’ll leave her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 12:38 AM
5

Because she luuuuuubs him! I wonder how long they’ve been together. How much says she was pretty near a teenager when he locked her down?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 12:35 AM
9

What's "so special" about him is that he's there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 01:54 AM
3

I think so, too. The thing is, these apps have those as different CHOICES. I tend to see them all the same, too. I'm on this app for: - Wanna fuck - Wanna fuck - Relationship - Wanna fuck Might help if the people making DATING SITES/APPS knew anything about DATING and not just UI.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 10:19 PM
10

So many of us think the choice is between which kind of suffering we want — whatever man will have us, or a sad lonely life. We need to wake up to that false dichotomy. Step One: Make a good life for YOURSELF. You're right, women and girls who don't feel "whole" don't deserve to be preyed on. What we all deserve is to feel whole first and then (and only then!) find friends and partners who deserve to be in our lives. Pickmes aren't our...enemies, even if some people's behaviors make it harder fo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/21 06:10 PM
30

I've been scanning through the replies to see if I was the only one bothered by "boy." There are semantics and then there's just...not taking yourself seriously. Edit to add: Just now someone on OLD asked me if I was "looking for a boy to kiss" and it skeeved me out beyond measure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/21 06:00 PM
33

I just joined a new one because I have almost no idea how to meet any men at all currently. (This isn't it either. I haven't had a date with someone I met online in a couple of years now.) Could someone explain to me the difference between "looking to see where things go," "dating," and "friends first"? How are those not all the same things? Literally the same, I mean. I'd like to know the actual secret language behind it all. Any translators aboard?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/21 05:57 PM
22

We all know this, but for the lurkers: ZERO against people who choose to be parents. There are plenty of legit reasons for it. But “selflessness” makes NO sense as a reason to have kids. Literally can’t understand the thought process. The only “selfish” reason I can think of to remain child free is to selfishly not suffer and whine the way martyr parents love to do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 02:44 AM
8

Oh I’ve done this. When I got married, strangers and semi-strangers (bc my family already understood) would ask impertinent things like “so when are you going to have baaayyybeeeess?!” I got so bored of the question I would look down, let my eyes tear up and say “…I’m BARREN okay!” Because fuck your for even asking. It’s beyond none of your business and YOU should feel uncomfortable for asking.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 01:45 AM
46

Agreeeeeeee I don’t get it. How is it “selfish” to not create an entire human being in a world that doesn’t exactly have a shortage of them? Selfish to whom exactly?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 01:43 AM
14

1: They never want to look like the bad guy. 2: If she ever wants to throw some his way, he wants to be near enough to catch it.
/r/askFDS07/11/21 01:40 AM
76

There is a YouTube channel I watch called the Behavior Panel. One of the presenters is a former Army interrogator, who also taught resistance to interrogation. He said something that really sang for me: “People think an ‘alpha’ is someone loud who commands a room. But let me tell you, you really want to know who is in charge? Look for the person who is calm and quiet. THAT is the person in control.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 01:36 AM
6

If you're both sport dating, then I suppose it wouldn't matter. If you're dating with an eye toward long term commitment, it would.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/11/21 02:34 PM
3

True. True true. I've seen more than a few trashy talk shows, too, where men claim they "can't have babies" and the women didn't seem to ask any follow-up questions. When asked, they give answers like "well, no one ever turned up pregnant before" or "I got kicked by a horse" or other nonsense that makes me wonder if/how any of that can be real. XD
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/21 05:08 PM
5

When my ex husband got his, I went with him not only to the procedure, but also to the follow-up where they take a sample and check for sperms. I saw all the paperwork. (Not because I didn't trust him, but because he's my husband and is going to the doctor, absolutely normal to go with.) Totally agree, it's not something to just "trust" and it's very very easy to confirm. Just go with!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/21 05:00 PM
2

This was a pre-marriage conversation I had with my ex-husband. Neither of us wanted kids (would not have gotten married if we didn't both know this beforehand) so permanent sterilization seemed an obvious choice (staying on hormonal birth control essentially forever is not good for you — in about 50 ways). I said, "Well, I could either get major surgery or you could basically have a minor office visit." He didn't even hesitate, and it was done and healed before our wedding day. He wasn't shy abo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/11/21 04:56 PM
11

Your reaction is sublime. Still, I'd be burning with curiosity as to...why. Or, maybe I could say, why he would claim.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/21 07:35 PM
1

I think there are differences between someone being thoughtless, uncaring, and unhygienic about his appearance, someone being personally repellant, and someone being "ugly." If someone personally repels me, there's no reason for me to get over that. No grey area there. If someone takes zero care of himself, that's a legit red flag. If someone has a weak chin? I probably don't care. Those sorts of social conventions don't mean much. (For instance, I have a...let's call it a strong liking for shav…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/21 06:29 PM
52

This is boilerplate and I sincerely don't understand it. "Let's meet and see where it goes." What is dating, exactly, if not...meeting and seeing where it goes? Do they think if they say "relationship" that means they have to get married by the second date? I've seen it a million times and am no closer to getting it. I don't know, I might ignore it and have the date. Most people seem completely lost on OLD and will just throw out everything and hope something sticks. But then I n-e-v-e-r even ge…
/r/askFDS01/11/21 08:24 PM
4

"Boys shouldn't even be on your Top Ten Priorities list." Easier said than done, yadda yadda, but this was a philosophy accidentally imparted to me by the women in my life as I was growing up, and I'm convinced it's why I was the only non-teen-mother in my generation (and — not coincidentally — why I'm the one with a career, a home, and a passport). (Just to be clear, this is not a non-motherhood screed, nor am I suggesting that you can't be a mother with a career, a home, and a passport. I am o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/21 05:08 PM
9

Here's my experience: [Smart] women look for compatible partners who are emotionally, intellectually, and professionally on par with them, because we see our partners as human beings and integral parts of our lifestyles. Men — and therefore by default the dominant society — are less concerned with the details of a woman's emotions, intellect, or profession because she is an accessory to their lifestyles. "What can we do together?" vs "What can you do for me?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 03:18 PM
106

100% this is how to raise a child.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/21 12:54 AM
10

So, you're an over-the-roll person, right? In my experience, it's only the "overs" who give even a little of an eff. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/21 12:53 AM
99

HELL yes! Our mothers, our aunties, our sisters — we are in this together!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 11:11 PM
44

How much do you want to bet this guy has at least one kid he sees three times a year?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 10:09 PM
41

Imagine getting this frothy because someone puts their TP on the roll the other way. That feels about equivalent here. haha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 10:08 PM
38

I don't think him disagreeing with the concept of "dog mom" was ever really the issue. This is someone who has no idea how to handle conflict or disagreement. And with someone who starts escalating (sending paragraphs-long messages after "bye" for instance) it can get scary, fast.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 10:07 PM
5

The perspective of others' is very valuable to me. Genuine thanks. I've seen cats freeze under pressure plenty of times, just like a person would. I can't say whether this cat was trying to play too rough with me or if he found me to be a safe way to fight back, the way an abused kid might bully a smaller kid. At the time I just thought, well, I'm more of a cuddler than a wrestler, maybe that's why the man's behavior doesn't seem right... but it stuck with me in a weird way. No one watching coul…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 08:19 PM
13

Do you otherwise enjoy using social media? If so, don’t deactivate, just unfollow. There’s no reason to restrict your life to avoid maybe possibly hurting the fees of anyone who shouldn’t take something that petty personally anyway. If you already kinda hate the social medias, screw it, drop off and enjoy all the extra time you’ll have in your day. If you’re worried that if you unfollow they might ask for a reason, first of all what a childish thing for a presumably grown person to do (wait, ARE…
/r/askFDS16/10/21 07:54 PM
9

Beautiful! I know this “climes into my lap” feeling because I adopted a dog that was going to be put down as a “bite case.” When I saw her I knew I was way out of my depth. So I was just sitting and chatting with the rescue lady, knowing I was going home alone. And then this little 15 pound ball of dirt and darkness came to where I was sitting and wedged her head under my hand. And I was DONE FOR. I took her home and she was perfect. That is, of course, perfect for me. When whatever had been hap…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 07:49 PM
26

People who “playfully” “tease” pets def belong on the Red Flag list — at MINIMUM. (Macdonald triad anyone?) I’ve kept a lot of lizards, too, and that seemed to be the main complaint people had about them: “they’re creepy.” How are they creepy? “Well they just don’t seem to … RESPOND to you.” So that’s creepy??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 07:39 PM
10

This is crazy. I recently spent extended time with someone I’ve known (and probably subconsciously yearned for?) for years. He has a cat he basically rescued off the street. This is a plus! And then I saw the rough way he treated this old boy in the guise of affection — you know, grabbing the head, roughing up his fur — and I was perplexed. Old Boy wasn’t fighting back or anything, and he wasn’t skittish, but what do ya know, when I sat down on the sofa, he came to sit next to me and then scratc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 07:34 PM
4

Brilliantly put, my man. People have marveled at how affectionate and people-oriented my cats are. That’s no accident. They’re both rescues who I gave the time they needed to feel safe, and to know that every time they come to me, something good happens…and ultimately, every time I come to THEM, something good happens. At the risk of being cliche, I really wish people worked this way. Cats seem to seek balance. People seem to seek vacuums.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 07:28 PM
64

I've asked a lot of older men on OLD what this means. (Typically because they've messaged me, and it's clear on my profile that I do not, cannot, will not have kids.) The answer is always the same: "I just mean if I'm with someone who has kids or wants kids, that's fine." I see this as another outcropping of this idea that fathers don't matter. Kids belong to women, full stop. If SHE wants them, we'll have them. If SHE doesn't, then we won't. If she already has kids, well, then I guess they're m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 09:54 PM
24

She was probably insane, but her character in "Hannibal" (TV) was pure fire.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 04:43 PM
86

From pic 4: "It is also her right to do it without judgment from you." Absolutely incorrect. You DO NOT have the "right" not to be "judged." You doubly do not have the "right" not to be judged when you are crying on the sofa of strangers. Their little shit of a son also doesn't have the "right" to have a carousel of one-nighters passing through their home. THAT's where step-dad should start.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 03:01 PM
14

Damn, we need an FDS MC — I ride, too!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 07:19 PM
23

I looked up to him, in a way. But what I realize now, 10 years later, is that while I did imprint on him, it wasn’t necessarily because I wanted to be with him… but because I wanted to BE him. It's crazy how often this happens. Brava to you for recognizing this. I'm sure it helped a LOT. Sometimes I think "if he was a woman, would I even want to be her friend?" Take the tinglies out of it and the answer changes. Hell, the question changes. "Do I want him or do I want what [I perceive] he has?" (…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 07:18 PM
65

The funny thing about most sex, I find, is that if you think about it in the cold light of day — 0% aroused, just thinking about the activities — it all tends to vary from "weird" to "gross." Hormones are amazing, eh? ha!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 02:05 PM
269

I'll say it: No. I don't. Separating giving pleasure — which I DO enjoy — from the actual act, as you do here, no, I don't care if I ever give another one. Used to know a man (ONE man) who actively disliked getting beej and I married that fucker.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 02:02 PM
1

I’m sorry. It’s a coward’s move.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 12:34 AM
16

It's also a sort of thing that girlfriends would do with girlfriends, you know? "Hey I invited Jane and Mary to come with us to that movie." It feels like he's too embedded in Galpalville, like he's just one of the girls.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 06:39 PM
11

Emotional intelligence is the big one. “I’m just being honest” is the battle cry of the cruel.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 05:28 PM
3

Haha I guess we were different kinds of drinkers!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 05:26 PM
26

As a European, I cannot seem to have a non-simple conversation on Reddit without it being strangled to death and shut down due to US politics and cultural values, Shit, as an American I'm up against the same thing. It's pointless and I'm grateful — as always — our mods have a firm stance. It really does open up the conversation in ways that can actually HELP rather than further siloing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:36 PM
2

While I totally get why, I'm one of the people who felt like the negativity of the sub was getting a bit overwhelming. I'm always happy to see more realistic, even actionable positivity!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:31 PM
21

I agree that some of the other details from the situation are...off. There are people who would say his comfort with telling you how attractive he found other women is good and open and it's fine, we find other people attractive all the time, blahblahblah. Here's what I think about that: Did he think that would make you feel GOOD? Even if we don't ascribe negative intent (negging), what did he think that was going to accomplish, telling a woman he's romantically interested in that another woman …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:23 PM
15

Drinkers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:13 PM
26

My ex-husband would have been okay with this. Not that I'd have done it, but he wouldn't have objected. Even in the depths of my libfem brainfog of the time, I knew that wasn't right. A person doesn't have to be jealous and/or possessive to say "uh, no, I'd really rather you didn't fly across the country to spend a weekend with a business mentor" (which I actually did do). I just thought, golly, he trusts me so (and had every reason to). In hindsight, I can see it as another symptom of his repre…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:13 PM
95

I'm going to throw out what I'm sure is an unpopular opinion: Someone I went on a handful of dates with should not be more important than my friends. (Again, this is outside the topic of whether they should be having sleepovers.) If you think about it, we've known those people, and we already hate it — the people who are your best friends until they start dating someone and then they disappear, until the next breakup. Not only is it a shitty way to be a friend, it's unhealthy and dangerous, beca…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:07 PM
19

You're allowed to want anything you want, that's true. But the idea that your significant other is your "best" and often only friend seems to me to be a mistake. (This is outside of the topic of sleepovers.) One person should never be All Things to you. You don't want your world to be that small.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 03:04 PM
9

I don't have much of a temper. I'm rather famously even-keeled. Recently, I blew up at someone and had to give a think about how that happened. While I initially (of course) felt like it was a failure on my part, I quickly realized no, it's just exactly what you're describing there: Someone kept pushing me after I made it clear we were not "playing." (This is someone I've known for years.) In the moment, I thought, oh, he's just being playful, but it can't be "playing" if the other person isn't …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 02:18 PM
11

Looks like he's asking for it to me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 03:37 PM
2

It helps to start with common interests, rather than accidental space-sharing which is how most friendships start. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/21 01:34 PM
5

Not my eyes, hers — they look...dead.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/21 12:11 AM
47

"Hot girls are allowed to be picky." Newsflash: We are all hot girls.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:51 PM
17

I'll just put this here so you don't have to look it up yourself. Also, ouch, her eyes... Dominic Purcell date of birth February 17, 1970 AnnaLynne McCord date of birth July 16, 1987
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:05 PM
7

I would immediately clock this as a fake/scammer. Edit to add: FYI, people on OLD who try to immediately move you to another mode of communicating are almost always fakes/scammers. They need to get you off the app before they get reported.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 07:59 PM
27

Well said. This is the dirty secret about "closure." When people feel the need to write paragraphs to someone about why they are leaving, they don't really want to leave — they are hoping that this will finally be the threat that brings change. But of course, someone changing under threat is no change at all, it's just pacification. If you're with someone whose idea of relating is getting away with as much as they can, for as long as they can, it's already over. Stop trying to raise your signifi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 07:35 PM
29

Truth! And, my darlings, tap into those knowledge wells! It's a classic, tried-and-true attitude of The Youth to dismiss The Elds as "pff they're old, what do they know?" Plenty, that's what they know. Not everything, not always right, but there's a chance they've already been through what you're struggling with, and could give you some perspective you can't see from there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 06:51 PM
37

haha I'm right there with you. I am thrilled to say that I speak to quite a few women under 30 who are so engulfed in creating satisfying lives for themselves that they aren't even worried about what other people have to say about it. Warms my shriveled little heart.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 06:48 PM
3

I think this is a great reminder. I'm >40 and often find myself thinking about 25 year olds as "girls," and I have to consciously correct myself. It's one thing to refer to my close group as "my girls" and another to think of a young adult I don't even know that way. It's also something we sometimes reflexively do to women who just happen to have small builds. Just because she's 4'10" doesn't mean she isn't a fully-formed grown woman, due all the respect that entails.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 06:45 PM
12

It sounds like you're building a good life for yourself, which should always be our focus. Stay on that positive! I kinda hate to even go there, but The Media have made it seem like finding a man (literally any man) should be Priority #1 for women for decades, so it's easy to see why a lot of people think it's just the thing to do. Here's the thing about that: It's just lazy. Lazy media centers around lazy "love stories." It's the most low-effort content out there, and it's e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. …
/r/askFDS28/09/21 04:21 PM
3

It's 100% being used to shut women up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/21 03:56 PM
4

to make his wife feel loved and safe. This jumped out at me for one reason: SAFE. We all want to feel safe in our homes. Why more people don't realize and prioritize this is a bit of a mystery to me. Him using that word made me think he did get it, in some way. But then he went on with the rest of it which made it sound like he considered his wife a household appliance, so I'm out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 03:59 PM
7

Use someone's socket wrench to bang a nail in, and you'll see how well he "understands." XD
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 03:42 PM
7

It's also a little telling that all the things he listed that his/a wife might find important were domestic/family duties. It isn't HER house and they aren't HER kids. If he doesn't see caring for their house/household as inherently part of his responsibilities (and joys!)... why would anyone assume he gave a shit about the people in it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 03:39 PM
7

My marriage imploded because he was a repressed closet-case, so that's a whole other ball of wax, but we never had problems living together because we both subscribed to the same basic philosophies, mainly "is this the hill I want to die on?" and "whoever it's more important to, wins." It was important to me that the dishes got into the dishwasher, so they got into the dishwasher. It was important to him that we went out to eat at least once a week, so we went out to eat. And we talked about all…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 02:34 PM
0

I thought it was going to be a dog.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/21 01:15 PM
56

Same. This pose/exposure has become so normalized, she may not even be cognizant of WHY it's so normalized.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/08/21 03:13 PM
39

All day, every day, on any dating site I'm on, I have men ask me "what ru looking for" in spite of the fact that "relationship" is at the very top of my profile, more than once. And all day, every day, they talk to me as though that's what they want, too. And the second we get close to making a dinner date, they say something like — as one "man" did literally this week: "hey maybe we can take some edibles and get in that hot tub of yours. I'd love to be able to sleep on your sofa or wherever we …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/21 12:45 PM
36

It's absolutely how I felt when I was out there doing "casual" shit. Had little to do with the sex, and much to do with "watch what I can make happen."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/08/21 12:38 PM
105

EXACTLY why "ghosting" became a phenomenon. This has me written all over it. I used to very much believe that it's the human/humane thing to tell a person I'm not interested, and maybe even tell him why if he asks, in a kind way (presuming he wasn't wildly offensive, in which case insta-block). But years of reactions like this one have taught me otherwise. I still hate it, I honestly do. I don't think it's my JOB (or even capacity) to teach another adult how to be a person (and more specifically…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/08/21 02:02 PM
10

I was just thinking that it could be argued that Amal Clooney married down, too. So what's being presented isn't so much "hey girls, marry up" as it is "hey girls, no matter how successful/fulfilled/interesting your life is, you're still a subset of the man you marry." Makes me think of how many tabloid headlines were about "look at this wealthy/famous guy who married a nobody" vs "look at this wealthy/famous woman who married a nobody." I've seen roughly one of the former and...well, quite a fe…
/r/askFDS04/08/21 05:36 PM
10

I don't work in retail so sadly I don't have any actionable advice for you, except that I want to expand on the Customer is Always Right mentality that a lot of people (usually customers!) tend to cling to: It's a misquote. It's actually, "The customer is always right, in matters of taste." That might help, internally, to remember. Providing good service doesn't mean taking whatever shit every swinging richard brings in off the street. In other situations (where I didn't feel my paycheck was nec…
/r/askFDS30/07/21 02:23 PM
2

Because it's frowned upon to sleep with their mothers?
/r/askFDS27/07/21 01:20 PM
7

I hate that question. Whatever the reason for asking it, I really hate it. The truth is, I don't have a list. I've never sat down and made my Wish List Man. It's a foolish thing to do — if I am focused on finding the world's best steak, I may miss the world's best salmon. But I also can't say "I don't know," because it is NOT a matter of "oh, whatever comes along." Not by a long shot. So the question turns me off immediately, even if it isn't asked for such nefarious purposes. I'm not looking fo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/07/21 01:17 PM
7

I loved that, perfect response.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 06:19 PM
6

Same. It's a way for LV people to feel like they are better people than they actually are without doing the work. Keep a few messes in your life that you can rush in and "rescue" (especially if it's something so basic that an adult shouldn't need rescuing, but that makes it that much easier for you to "accomplish") and feel heroic every day!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 04:28 PM
23

"Well, I don't have anywhere to go, sooooo..." It's that "soooo" at the end that kills me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 04:04 PM
23

Well, gods forbid someone be single for ten goddamned minutes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 04:03 PM
8

I got no end of shite back in my heavier OLD days when I rejected "separated" people. "Call me when you've been fully divorced for a year." I've been separated and I've been divorced. Not only do I not want to walk into the propeller blade of the dissolution of someone's married life, I don't want to date anyone who is SO DESPERATE to start dating SO IMMEDIATELY that he can't wait for the ink to dry.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/21 05:55 PM
10

When I started looking at FWBs like junk food, it helped a lot. Once your system clears up, the cravings subside quite a bit.
/r/askFDS15/07/21 01:16 PM
26

Yes, I want to give the benefit of the doubt, and do recognize the risk he took, the generational difference etc. As much as I argue that you gotta pick your battles, it’s still worth mentioning that “benevolent sexism” is still sexism, and just felt the need to put voice to that reaction. Anyway, I totally acknowledge he did a Good Thing, and it really does feel his heart was absolutely in the right place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/21 10:12 PM
62

Sometimes people can do the right thing for the wrong reasons. Sinead was a 26 year old woman, not a “little girl.” She needed backing and support because she was expressing an unpopular opinion, not because she was a little girl who needed the big mens to protect her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/21 06:56 PM
8

Truth. When my ex-husband tried to establish a secret second life, and naturally *everyone* found out about it, one of my friends said, "I don't get it — she's older, fatter, dumber, uglier than you in every way, how did he leave you for HER?" I said, "He didn't leave me 'for her.' He's a POS cheater who did everything he did for himself." Framing it any other way not only suggests I share the blame (nope) but also sets up a competition between me and her (or all women vs all women) which gets a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 09:22 PM
7

"I'm overqualified" is another excellent response, if one is feeling spicy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 03:37 PM
2

hahaha!! I literally just typed the same thing! virtual high fives
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 03:32 PM
13

Yep, a healthy reminder for all of us: Just because someone asks doesn't mean you have to answer. Just because they don't have boundaries (or couth) doesn't mean you have to meet them there. Deflection is my favorite reply! ETA: Reminds me of something Henry Rollins said yeeaaars ago that I always keep in my mental back pocket: "Hating someone is giving them too much, Just leave them alone. It's like when someone wants to hand you a big pile of horseshit, you don't have to take it."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 03:28 PM
14

"Just lucky, I guess." eyelash flutter
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 03:26 PM
5

Probably not the place to go down the road, but I wasn't aware that Canada was more restrictive. Must have changed since "Bowling for Columbine"! In any case, even the people I've seen who were most in favor of strict(er) laws always make exceptions for women, which I find terribly interesting. Not arguing either way, it's just interesting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 05:24 PM
7

I'm not saying Tinder is better or worse than any others, but does it seem an outsized portion of these stories include "...met on Tinder"?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 04:19 PM
41

I really...really...really hope 2020 was a reality check for a lot of people and that we stop seeing each other as disposable commodities, start understanding how important each individual person is, appreciate friendships and actually understand what community is. I see it in some small ways — I'm closer to some friends than I was before the pandemic, because we consciously put in the effort to remain HUMANS in each other's lives, rather than players in some make-believe game. I hope hope hoooo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 04:12 PM
10

Unpopular opinion? Buy a pistol and train at least monthly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:46 PM
7

3 BR minimum for me: Sleep, dress, work. And when I was married, it was 5 BR min so he could have one, too. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:45 PM
18

"Because I can" is my favorite answer to SO many inappropriate questions. "What do you need with that big ol' property?" "Where would you ever wear a thing like that?" "You spent all that money on what?" Because I can, anywhere I want, and whatever I like. :) Who is going to spoil us if not US?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:40 PM
8

I bought my current house in 2005, when the market was very different. Still, I looked at at least 20 houses and kept coming back to this one. This is the one I wanted. One thing that was especially interesting about the experience, though, was the Realtor. He was recommended by a (male) friend who had just bought a condo. I told the Realtor everything that was going on (I was just about divorced, child-free, still entangled in the other house etc.) and he told me he practically specialized in d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:35 PM
83

I'm over 40 and in the same rut. If I don't approach, I get nowhere. If I DO approach, I get submissive men I don't want anything to do with. If I go OLD, I get yiiieeekss. So we march on, I guess!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:25 PM
68

It looks to me like that's exactly what the mods are trying for. I've seen a few instances where someone has posted to this sub or Ask FDS and the mods have suggested to move the post to Levelup. Keeping the posts on-topic will naturally get more activity over on Levelup, I'm sure. I feel like a lot of us are learning that not everything in our lives IS dating-related, and that's actually news to us! Like, me trying to succeed financially has nothing to do with "finding a husband" or for that ma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:22 PM
56

Same. I'd love to date/date more, so this space remains vital to me, even while I am effectively opted out due to lack of viable options.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:17 PM
-4

Thanks for standing on guard against mission creep. It destroys SO many groups. (Intersectionality is a lie.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 03:14 PM
4

I'll start with the easiest question to answer: Yes, you are good enough. You are absolutely are, full stop. If you're near a big city, there are probably other options if meetups in bars make you uncomfortable. You're still going to have to deal with the parking and the drive, but that's part and parcel of big cities, so you just make peace with it. It gets easier the more time you spend in a big city, trust me on that. You get into the groove. I like to remind myself that if I'm interested in …
/r/askFDS16/06/21 03:10 PM
23

The "...and I couldn't say no" part is SO sinister. You could almost write it off as a fun game for people to play together if not for that. It instantly makes it so dark. I've been sitting here grimacing the whole time. (I have an out of state friend who will sometimes text me out of the blue, "If I were there with you right now, what would we be doing?" That is kinda fun — sometimes I answer him literally, eg. shopping errands, sometimes fancifully, eg. paddling a canoe up the river separating…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 02:46 PM
19

That would be brilliant. I saw someone on YT recently spoofing those "stacks of cash" types saying, "Ooh let me show you all my twenties — oh I can't because they are in my INVESTMENT ACCOUNTS."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 02:38 PM
19

I love everything about this young woman's energy. She's out in the sun, she's laughing, she clearly has high regard for herself — LOVE to see it!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 02:36 PM
27

While I can happily get behind the philosophy of "no politics in the bedroom," I've seen it myself where two people engage in things that neither of them want to do because it's just what you do, it's normal, it's modern, it's "positive." It's demented.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 09:38 PM
41

It's that we're not even playing the game. By not playing the game, we introduce the idea that maybe the game is stupid and not worth playing. And they can't have that. Because their entire sense of self is wrapped up in the game. Beautifully put. I realized only a couple of years ago that this is why "body positivity" makes some people bizarrely rageful. It isn't because they are spittle-inducing furious about "their health." It's because a comfortably fat woman is wearing it on her sleeve (and…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 09:26 PM
20

Yep, one of the many deeply weird stories in there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 08:34 PM
2

There's nothing wrong with singing your own praises. There's also nothing wrong with being private. A lot of us need to learn a little more of the former. Light under a bushel and all that. What people "brag" about will tell you a lot about their priorities, too. Too much is always too much, and if all someone has to say about himself is "look at the things I buy," that's not a very interesting person. If that's all he's got, then he's *begging* for "gold diggers." But it doesn't make a lot of s…
/r/askFDS15/06/21 06:21 PM
5

Which might give you a hint at how true any of it is.
/r/askFDS15/06/21 06:15 PM
83

Also, no spilling of the seed. "So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother. And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 03:09 PM
13

Don't let this get in your head. People online are wildly unrealistic. A man who would chop off his left pinky to take you on one date IRL will ignore you online because someone better is right around the corner. It's what dating apps bank on (literally).
/r/askFDS15/06/21 03:02 PM
4

Yes and yes. I don't know where you are in the world, but yes. And when they mention their height, 90% of the time it's followed by "...because apparently that matters," which is a self-tell. (I don't find anything wrong with bragging, for the record, as long as it's actually true. OLD is, above all else, a sales pitch.)
/r/askFDS15/06/21 03:00 PM
3

I think this is true, and that friendship — plain ol' friendship — is difficult for a lot of reasons, but one of them has got to be the notion that every person in your eyeline should be a sexual target. It's difficult to feel safe and comfortable in a friendship (aka platonic intimacy) when you also feel like prey, when nothing feels off limits.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 03:06 PM
8

This is why curation is so important. How many times have you seen someone complain about something they choose to consume? I'm not talking about the ever-present ads and things we really can't avoid, I'm talking about people who choose to follow instagram/twitter/tiktok/whatever content that is doing this. If you're a straight woman with an IG full of strange women's asses, WHY? Or FB full of people you don't know or don't like? Or tiktoks of a thousand women (and men) showing you how to look l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 03:42 PM
1

OMG Godzilla is my spirit animal. It was almost a joke at my office that if you wanted to lose 30-40 minutes of your life, come to my desk and ask me literally anything G-related.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 06:36 PM
3

I've always lived alone and am a nesting maniac. One of the things I like to do is use cash-back cards (eg amazon's 5%, Target's 5%) and then when a certain amount has accrued, use that for something I wouldn't ordinarily spend money on. I just bought a portable hot tub for my deck. :) I'm also one of those "use the cards for everything and pay them off at the end of the month" people. If you are disciplined enough to actually DO that, it's great for your credit rating, provides excellent spendi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 03:19 PM
7

This sounds a little more like "how do I deal with the jealousy of seeing other people have something I want?" Well, hopefully, you start by being happy that the people you love are doing things they want, and realizing that happiness isn't a zero sum game: Their happiness doesn't deplete the pool. Someone else getting married doesn't mean you don't get to get married. It has nothing to do with you at all, really, except inasmuch as more happy people in your world makes your world better, and se…
/r/askFDS07/06/21 04:25 PM
8

Sometimes the beginnings can be difficult to watch, but I wholeheartedly recommend The Dodo for uplifting your spirit when you're just having A Day. Or, ya know, if your eyes need watering. They always end in the best place. ETA: Did anyone else think of cats when she said "it's on the shark's terms"? haha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/21 04:10 PM
8

I'm confused about that post entirely. Are those statistics untrue? If they are true, then the post is saying...facts are phobic? Protecting oneself is phobic? Legit don't get the point. Kneejerkery?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/21 04:03 PM
6

I think what hangs people up is whether there is "sex" at these clubs (or whether any particular man is engaging in it). Whether they "touch" you or not (and vice versa), they are sex workers. Strip club patrons are patronizing sex workers. So, you need to know how you feel about your partner patronizing sex workers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/06/21 03:58 PM
55

Jesus. The irony is "I have a latex allergy" certainly IS a common lie... *ahem*
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 09:48 PM
44

It's very interesting to me that there is always a number of people who will call anything celebrating male bodies/beauty — even when it's a man on screen by himself — "homoerotic." The whole male gaze thing is SO ingrained, it's like it doesn't even occur to people that it could be hetero women enjoying the view.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 09:45 PM
22

I would have sworn up and down — during and years after — that it was a great marriage. I genuinely enjoyed being married. I defended him to my friends and family about so much, long after we divorced. This is how deep a lot of this shit goes: you spend and you spend, presuming there will be dividends. Then one day you are surprised to find your accounts bone dry, with a partner complaining about diminishing handouts. Ironically (or maybe not), he's the one who divorced me. I'm glad he did, for …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 08:16 PM
9

I echo u/ASeaOfQuotes. Be careful not to compare your reality/wants/needs/goals too much to some hypothetical numbers game. The important thing is what works for the two of you and the reality of your lives. I often tell the story of a truly kickass woman I used to work for. She had a "boyfriend" of over 20 years, and they never even lived together. It was legitimately the thing that worked best for the both of them — they got along great and were very much in love. They lived their separate liv…
/r/askFDS04/06/21 03:56 PM
60

"Hi, I'm looking for advice on how better to digest poison. Please don't tell me not to eat the poison, it is my prerogative."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 03:20 PM
4

This is my best cuz. I never have to ask him to do anything — sometimes I have to STOP him from helping! If I simply mention in conversation something I want to accomplish, and there is any way he can contribute to the effort, he's already making plans to do it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 03:17 PM
90

This is yet another thing I realized long after my divorce. I have a ton of hobbies and interests. When I was married, I was happy to support and/or enthusiastically participate in his interests. But looking back, basically everything we did was HIS stuff, and I went on with my stuff by myself, or having to seek out others to share. (And before anyone wonders, of COURSE I invited him and asked him regularly, but he wasn't interested.) When the marriage was ending, he said something about "you co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 03:09 PM
80

A psychologist I know always says "children shouldn't be born with a job." (I think Dr Phil says that, too, but he's not the only one!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 03:20 PM
3

A few of my friends suggested that a guy getting jealous or mad about you seeing other men means that he likes you. Oh jesus christ no. Leave this abuse-normalizing bullshit in kindergarten where they need to stop telling girls "he hits you because he likes you."
/r/askFDS27/05/21 06:12 PM
13

A lot of the things you're bringing up here aren't tactics, they are assault. Let's call it what it is. I don't care what the people doing it want to call it, cornering someone isn't "turning a no into a yes" it's turning a no into an assault.
/r/askFDS27/05/21 06:01 PM
33

The LAST thing toxic masculinity needs is the suggestion that having respect for other men is homo-anything.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 03:16 PM
10

because there were people who implied that you need to wear make-up, fake nails etc. to be considered feminine. Never. Not that it never happens, just that it's never true. We are all women of different types. I see it sometimes, too, where being a Badass Queen seems to have a particular aesthetic, but it's not true. Those of us who have the loudest voices often present in similar ways, but trust me, we need all the varieties — the quiet ones, too. (I'm one of those quiet ones, believe it or not…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 03:07 PM
24

Think about it this way: Does someone you just met/barely know have the ability to make YOU awful? Probably not, because that's just not the person you are. (And if someone you barely know does have the ability to make you treat people badly, that's still something in you that needs addressing.)
/r/askFDS27/05/21 02:54 PM
5

I couldn't see this any other way. If they were shooting for "she just doesn't try to impress any more," they missed by a mile and landed on "terrified."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 02:50 PM
3

Honestly, it's not even that hard, is it? To treat people well? If the person trying to date women just acted like they liked women, they'd be head and shoulders above the crowd.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 12:25 AM
3

OMG can I go on that date with you? I'm not even outdoorsy and that sounds wonderful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 12:11 AM
7

Who started this? Who is responsible? Where do I write a letter?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 12:10 AM
16

I didn't read that as bashing on you, they are clearly bashing on themselves. (I don't mean you're wrong to be offended, because they're ridiculous. But the veneer over their resentment is so wafer thin, if they breathe too hard they'll be fully exposed.) Edit to add: A good time to practice "yes and..." "Oh yer soooo fancy with yer expensive baaaag..." Yes, isn't it lovely? "I hope someone gets ME a whateverwhatever for my birthday..." Yes, I hope they do, too. Life gets a lot brighter when you…
/r/askFDS19/05/21 09:25 PM
5

haha After I posted that reply, I thought, oh that may make it sound more intriguing than it actually is! Won't stop me from writing a thousand words though. tl;dr at the bottom! Like I said, I'm over 40. I figured maybe using one of the "serious"/pay sites, I'd find a different quality of potential partner, someone who was serious about dating and not just one-handed picture shopping. eHarmony's whole DEAL is that they ask a billion questions and THEY do the matching. In the past, their whole s…
/r/askFDS19/05/21 04:12 PM
16

This is where the idea(l)s clash in my mind, too. If you think it's murder, if you think a fetus has a soul and you're trying to save it, the only position to take is that it's never acceptable ever. Like you said, that's not where I am, but I can at least ... respect? someone who is consistent in that. The "except in cases of..." types are showing their hands.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 03:18 PM
1

That's a crazy thing we're taught, isn't it? I prefer to think that a rising tide lifts all boats, and your success contributes to my world being a better place! So don't be shy about sharing those successes. We don't have to look, act, or own the same things to be our own kinds of badasses!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 02:53 PM
2

Sometimes they don't even have to say or do anything — just hearing myself say it out loud to someone I respect snaps me out of it.
/r/askFDS19/05/21 01:40 PM
18

No especially not where we live, not a humble brag. And she already owned a nice place of her own! I still don’t get it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 11:27 PM
40

This one confuses me. I was talking to a woman I knew and lightly complaining that I could sing a whole Beatles song in the time it took me to get my trashcans from my house to the street and back. She snapped, "Well, no one made you buy a house with such a long driveway." I was stunned into silence. Literally didn't even know how to respond to that. Which may be the point? I know I definitely wouldn't attempt to respond to anyone online who reacted that way. Conversation over.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 10:33 PM
40

Are the other women in your life on the same page? Sometimes it's really helpful for me to enlist close friends to help keep me accountable. Not to make my decisions, of course, nothing like that. But I force myself to tell them things that ... I may not want to, because I know they're going to bust my ass for it. And in the end, I want them to.
/r/askFDS18/05/21 10:24 PM
27

He liked you, he remembers liking you, and he wants to like you again. But so what? I mean, you know the "so what" part. Now go back and scroll up that message you wrote. You don't even have to read it, just look at all that angst and cogitation. And tell yourself "so what" again. Why did he do it? Who cares, he's no one to you. Whether he had good, bad, or neutral intentions, it doesn't matter, he's a ghost and you're having flashbacks to a previous life. If your question is why did YOU do all …
/r/askFDS18/05/21 10:20 PM
133

Let me first say I don't encourage or recommend this, buuuuuut... I'd be real curious to hear what a hidden recorder revealed when he's talking to his buddies. "She's not going anywhere. I'm not worried about it." BTW what a coincidence, Dr Forrester is my uncle! (I wish.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 08:49 PM
37

Y'all already said it. If he was "indifferent" to it, he'd do it, because it's important to her. He's not indifferent, he doesn't want it. There's a huge difference. There's something like 1,000 legal protections afforded to spouses (United States) that are not afforded to girlfriends/boyfriends. Romantic, not romantic, pragmatic, total raving lunatic, it doesn't matter: marriage is a legal contract, which is the actual important part, not the ring, not the party, not "standing in front of God a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 08:43 PM
29

Awesome! Wonderful for you, onward and upward! I hope you don't mind one little suggestion: You don't have to downplay things you're happy about. It doesn't matter that it's "not a mansion," it's something you worked for, you did for yourself, and you're happy. Own it, love it, don't waste your time comparing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 08:36 PM
16

Most men will tell you their "dream girl" is 3 feet tall with no teeth and a flat head to rest his beer on, so I'm not sure what you're actually asking. Every relationship requires some measure of effort, forever. Not fighting, don't mistake that. Even the greatest, most expensive car in the world requires routine maintenance. So, what IS a "dream girl"? Is it a woman he wants to date? You'll know because he'll ask you on a date. Is it the woman he wants to marry? You'll definitely know that bec…
/r/askFDS18/05/21 08:27 PM
23

Over 40 here and I paid for eHarmony a couple of years ago. My experience was so bad, I demanded — and got — my money back. Will share details if asked.
/r/askFDS18/05/21 08:23 PM
1

Marriage is, first and foremost, a legal agreement. As many a commitmentphobe will remind us, you can be in love and all the other stuff "without a piece of paper," but you won't have those (something like 1,000) legal protections without it.
/r/askFDS18/05/21 05:21 PM
14

Me, too. I've had a few of those moments where I thought, gosh, I wish I didn't know as much as I do now. But the truth is, I wasn't happier then, I was just repressing more of my own dissatisfaction. And for what? To make other people's lives easier? Who is making mine easier? Well, that's gotta start with me. Reciprocation. That's it, it's really simple. So why so rare?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 05:18 PM
29

I was about to post this very thing. Most of what I personally talk about here centers around non-romantic relationships. It's something people don't talk about enough because the Romantic Partnership is positioned at the be-all end-all of all of life. Your partner may be the most significant person in your life, but if they're the ONLY person in your life, that's a big big problem in and of itself. If we worked a quarter as hard at our friendships as we do at (especially doomed) romantic relati…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 04:47 PM
3

I think some of it is like I said, a place to hide out. Can't stand your kids? Lock yourself in your bedroom with The Sacred TV! But then there's the people who can't sleep without it on. I don't even know where to start with that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 01:33 PM
27

I love it! Nothing huge and flashy, just tasteful and lovely. Aside: my first boyfriend (age 16!) brought me a half-dozen rose stems for our first date. You read that right, he brought me stems. If you get it, you get it. (We dated for almost 3 years and are friendly to this day.)
/r/askFDS18/05/21 02:43 AM
27

They say you sleep better if your room is designated just for sleeping, because then your brain mentally associates that space only with rest. I've read this and take it very seriously. I've never had any problems sleeping, and every time I hear people talk about sleeping problems, I feel SO bad for them! I'd be miserable without my good good sleep! Before I bought my current house, I was touring with the Realtor. When we got to the smallest bedroom in the back, I said, "Oh, this is where I'd sl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 01:45 AM
3

It's a really good sign that you're both being open and realistic, and that you both want to see a lawyer about the details before you get into a situation you're stuck with. A lot of people find such nitty-gritty too... I don't know, un-romantic or something, ignoring that it's vital for your future.
/r/askFDS17/05/21 10:41 PM
2

While you're at it, I recommend familiarizing yourself with "madonna-wh*re complex" if you aren't already.
/r/askFDS17/05/21 10:37 PM
7

I'm a crafter/maker. (Sewing, machine embroidery, 3D printing, glass etching, beadweaving, anything I can get my hands on really.) Not necessarily big community-type hobbies since it's something you can do alone on your sofa, but there are quite a few clubs around any specialty you can think of. Productive though? What do you mean by productive? Does sound a little like me who sometimes needs to forcefully remind myself that I don't have to be producing or improving every waking hour of my life.…
/r/askFDS17/05/21 10:28 PM
16

If a man can’t pick up on non-verbal cues enough to realize that he is talking too much or that you need to move out of the sun, or that you are not comfortable with how he talks to the waitress he is going to be awful in bed. GOLD
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:51 PM
21

Here's the thing that concerns me. This fabled "sexual compatibility"* strikes me too much like the concept of "soul mates" and people who say "if it's really meant to be, you'll never have to work at it." I don't want a relationship where neither of us ever work at it, and I don't want a sexlife where either of us thinks our own desires/habits are set in stone and just how it is, regardless of the partner. *Also, notice how "sexual compatibility" is something people think they can discern by ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:40 PM
6

Well, the "good" news is that your 11 year girlfriend is never going to get married. Not to this one anyway.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:26 PM
56

You know, I've had this same situation/feeling. I have some female friends my age (>40) who really get the giggles over yooouuung men. I cannot see them as anything other bebes who might benefit from my wisdom and experience, but have no business at all in my bed. It's like we're different species. So I get it NOW how problematic that can be from the very start.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:23 PM
46

Who? Who is talking to you like that? Who thinks they have any right to tell you your dreams are unreasonable? Sour grapes. It's all sour grapes. I've owned a few houses (alone) and 3 BR is the minimum: One for sleeping, one for storage/office, and one for a dressing room. I also live in a state where I can say 1 acre minimum property. I would dare anyone to try to shame me — THEY are not invited to the hot tub parties.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:06 PM
20

At the same time there’s a bit of self importance to it and “i’m busier than everyone else” attitude. I have my things and my life and my responsibilities. The wifemothermartyr thing. If I had a dollar for every time one of my married/mother friends said, "Well, YOU have the time for that!" and then double it for each time they spent 6 hours a day on Facebook, and triple it for every hour of that spent arguing with strangers online... Having pride in your home, your family, motherhood, that's no…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 08:35 PM
3

Eight paragraphs about a guy you haven't even met and you want to know what HIS deal is? Are you sure you're on the right sub?
/r/askFDS17/05/21 05:09 PM
5

She's not, though. He's not some great new person now that — or because — he's with her. He's the same one who strung you along for years and gaslighted you rather than being honest and facing the realities of your relationship. Every relationship looks like roses raining from heaven in the beginning. Even moreso from the outside. In reality, he's the same guy who stayed with you for 9 years without committing the way you wanted and needed. When my marriage ended, I made a point to just avoid an…
/r/askFDS17/05/21 03:36 PM
3

Sounds kinda familiar. My ex-husband tried to start a secret second life with a sad example of a woman in another state. She actually thought she was something special for luring away a married man. After I divorced him at breakneck speed, he moved her up to our state to live in the house I still co-owned. It was all bliss and meant-to-be. He sent her flowers! She cried and called him Daddy! lalalaaaa I had barely settled into my new home when I started getting "anonymous" emails telling me abou…
/r/askFDS17/05/21 03:06 PM
8

>This was very out of character for him. It's not out of character for him, though. This is his character, and it's about him, not about you. You didn't make him this way, and the new woman didn't make him this way, either. This is who he is. Don't kid yourself that he's "better" for the new woman, because remember he was "better" at the start of your relationship, too. But now none of that is your concern. Remind yourself he didn't leave you "for her," he left and she is not your competition or…
/r/askFDS17/05/21 02:58 PM
3

Try not to let bitterness take root in your heart. Easy to say, I know, I've been there. I AM there. I am constantly reminding myself that happiness and health are not a zero sum game, not a finite resource. More happiness and health in the world IS better for me, even when I'm in short supply myself. I want people I love to be happy, as I'm sure you do. And it's waaaaayyyyyy better to have friends in good relationships than the flip side of that — we've all had enough of the drama llamas doing …
/r/askFDS17/05/21 01:57 PM
6

Where did you get the idea that it's higher risk to marry someone without living together first?
/r/askFDS14/05/21 03:06 PM
23

Oh yes. Yes yes. Red herrings everywhere. Attempts to further and further subdivide us e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. And we need to stop falling for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 10:08 PM
3

Shit, I'm not the one to answer that! In that case, she was happily discussing a nice gift he'd given her. It...still doesn't fit into my brain.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 09:02 PM
8

Oh Job One is to destroy the offspring of other males.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 08:53 PM
6

He is not high value, you are idealizing a near stranger because of a crush. This is such a good point! It's like "love at first sight." There's no such thing, it's just a crush with potential. Enjoying someone's company, finding him attractive, and not seeing any immediate big ol' flappin' flags isn't HVM any more than just having a high salary is. None of us default to high value until proven otherwise — it is something that has to be actively proven, and that takes time and direct experience.
/r/askFDS13/05/21 08:41 PM
13

I can't tell you how many times I have to keep myself from posting a dog training related analogies here every day! I already failed that today in this very thread. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:56 PM
75

I try to carefully walk the victim-blaming line here, but I'm with you. Children aren't born being excited to do chores. They are born literally helpless and it's the parents' job to wean them off of that, not the kids'. So if you let your kids be sloths their whole lives, you can't suddenly be mad that they aren't magically contributing to the household at 12 years old. I feel her frustration, but what she says is "every day they get told to clean up" not that they actually do anything, and cer…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:51 PM
10

If you let your dog crap on the living room floor every day for 5 years, how does he know not to crap on the floor when you leave town for the weekend?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:47 PM
188

This is an abusive man. I am reticent to jump to that conclusion without a lot more information most of the time, but this one is obvious. You told him that you were going to be unreachable for a time, told him you loved him, and in response he decided to berate you and tell you he hates you because you didn't do what he wanted when he wanted. You reasonably set a boundary that didn't even have anything to do with him, and he refused to respect it and is trying to punish you for it. This isn't t…
/r/askFDS13/05/21 07:43 PM
5

I don't get that kind of attention either and it didn't take me long to realize that the kind of men who throw themselves at strange women are the men I don't want. Not even being theoretical or philosophical here: I have a couple of friends who are the type that constantly attract male attention. I had one hot minute of resentment when I'd go out with one of those women and men would pile on her and leave me invisible. But then I took advantage of the situation to anthropologist that shit and r…
/r/askFDS13/05/21 07:26 PM
51

I'd be really curious to see the timing on the texts with his bros.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:08 PM
50

He meant "invite," ironically, because he certainly incited.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:08 PM
111

Same here. Big mask slip. BIG.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 07:06 PM
26

"Are you lost, babygirl?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 03:39 PM
29

I had someone try to explain "daddy energy" to me and ... it just doesn't fit into my brain. I thought it was maybe because I didn't HAVE a dad, but from the looks of this thread, people who DID have good relationships with their dads are even more grossed out. (Rightfully!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 03:38 PM
10

A 4th date that is "hang at his place" is 100% an expectation of sex. If this isn't what you want, you should reschedule that. Maybe that's a good time to have the conversation around sex. I for sure do not recommend waiting until you're in the thick of things to try to put on the brakes — this is a light-of-day, everyone's-pants-are-on conversation. The hornies can make any of us forget our priorities, so don't wait! Even if the guy is a good guy, he's probably on the "normal dating" timeline, …
/r/askFDS13/05/21 03:17 PM
5

I think even men who may have started out genuine on OLD fall into the feedback loop trap: Phone = porn Everything on phone = porn You are a face on his phone, therefore... I've proposed before that if a man wanted to take OLD seriously, he should have a separate device that he never uses for fapping purposes. The phone-hand-crotch connection is just too strong. But none of that matters if they continue to lie in their profiles saying they are looking for a relationship and then try to hookup in…
/r/askFDS11/05/21 03:18 PM
26

I do think a lot of the strongest reactions have to do with the very tight moderation. (The tight moderation being the only thing making this sub usable AT ALL.) I'm not sure it would matter what we were saying or talking about at all as long as one group is specifically barred from participating. It freaks people out. This could be a women's only quilting sub and people would still call it hateful and toxic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 10:04 PM
17

Was just discussing that with someone, that I saw someone claim FDS is anti-LGBT. Sure sure, prove it. Prove it once, anywhere. I'd bet money that the non-straight membership in this sub is higher than in the general populace.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 10:00 PM
7

Such an important point: Equality doesn't mean equivalence. Having options includes opting out. The pressure to perform is still very real and very heavy, it's just got another name on it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:53 PM
10

Everyone knows that the worst possible people are the best in bed, right? Right? RIGHT?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 12:44 AM
5

HELL yes, all of this! The common thread? The down side is "eh, didn't work out" rather than "OH SHIT MY LIFE IS ON FIRE AND SO IS EVERYONE ANYWHERE NEAR MEEE!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 12:32 AM
2

Ew. This has always been my reaction to the "live every day as if it's your last!" bullshit "philosophy." You know what I'd do if this were my last day? Heroin and BASE jumping. Is that seriously the life's philosophy you think will be successful? Well, okay, if you do, that's...fine for you? Just please let me know ASAP so I don't put ANY trust in you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 12:31 AM
2

I get it. I can at least say that Laura Richards worked closely with the (primary) victim (there were so many) in this case to combat exactly the sorts of things you're talking about. It's hard not to listen to that story and yell at your headphones "what are you doing GET OUT!!" but I don't remember feeling the narrative was blaming her. But then, I consume a lot of true crime, so my headspace may have already been different. If nothing else, I came away from it very impressed with how frank he…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 03:17 PM
3

Well, you know how it ultimately ends, so at least that won’t be a surprise.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 04:51 AM
6

Thanks! I bought a cheap(er) iPad for just this reason, so I could have leisurely dinners by myself if I want, and read (or even watch) something if I feel I need the company. :) I just keep it in my bag for when the mood hits.
/r/askFDS06/05/21 12:55 AM
7

I'm trying to imagine doing this. Can you even imagine saying to a guy you've had one date with "hey, before we go out, can I grab a quick shower at your place?" That sounds insane to even say.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:46 AM
4

Did you also listen to the podcast? The full true-life story was even weirder than they could cover in the miniseries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:44 AM
6

But, if you let a man come to your place or vice versa, you go round to his place, he's gonna expect sex They will even TELL you this, regardless of any ground rules you tried to set: "You invited me over, what did you expect?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:42 AM
24

Being a nerd doesn't protect you. I'm not sure where people get this idea, but "nerdy" guys aren't a de facto "safe" option.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:38 AM
7

Absolutely totally 100% right, most of us have also made this mistake. I definitely have, more than once. So many of us were just initially so scared for OP at the start of the story because ooooof when this goes wrong, it goes very very wrong. Hopefully she understands that any chastising is mostly relief and not blame!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:36 AM
10

That "good date excitement/energy" is intoxicating, so of course it seemed innocent at the time. It's another great reason to have some set rules and not make exceptions, because if the thing turns, it's too late.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:32 AM
20

Worthwhile men know that the world is dangerous for women and they respect us for having boundaries. What a horrifying test this turned out to be. On OLD, I used to try to explain to guys why him even saying "I could just come over" is inappropriate at best and downright terrifying at worst. Now, anyone who even "jokingly" says such a thing gets the block.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:28 AM
3

Thank goodness you learned this way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:25 AM
11

Seriously, I was so filled with dread the moment she said he asked to shower at her home. I know there was a long drive involved, but...my god.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:24 AM
7

The problem I would see is that there's an imbalance. He wants to date you, you don't want to date him. He could grow to resent you, and if you feel like you've invested in a friendship, it's going to hurt even more when he sabotages it again. OTOH, I know how hard it can be just to find someone to have the occasional pleasant dinner and interesting conversation with. It's SO irritating! So I get why you might want to keep in contact with him. I think this may be a slightly controversial opinion…
/r/askFDS06/05/21 12:20 AM
3

ALWAYS!
/r/askFDS06/05/21 12:03 AM
10

Fucking. Seriously. I was married to someone I'd known for 20 years and shitting in front of each other was never part of our lives. Why on earth would it be?!? And I was told by more than one person that I was just uptight. Which makes me ask: Are people really that enamored of seeing others on the toilet? Movies are starting to make me think so. Off the top of your head, you can probably come up with 15 times you've seen the "spouse on toilet while other spouse brushes teeth" trope. Interestin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 12:00 AM
3

Always always always bet on yourself. Always. I'm so impressed by the decisions you're already making! It cannot be over-emphasized how monumental this is. You're turning your whole upbringing on its head in order to make your own decisions and create the kind of life you want for yourself. It's mind-blowing! You're emotionally transitioning away from the negative parts of your culture already, and it sounds like this quasi-question is part of that. You've got a good career path? You've got your…
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:34 PM
3

I LOVE driving and I can tell you... it always happens in the middle of the night on a freeway with a 200MPH speed limit, and 350 miles from home. Every time.
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:22 PM
5

In the modern era, the REAL protection is financial security. And that is why I will no longer date financially irresponsible men. GOLDEN
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:20 PM
6

I LOVE this from a purely practical standpoint! It's also funny that at least 3 of us now used "blowout on the fwy" as an example! haha Such a horror.
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:19 PM
3

They just want to play the hero now and again when it's convenient enough to feel like the man or whatever. My ex-husband was one of those who, instead of becoming a better person, would just surround himself with weaker and weaker people to make playing the hero that much easier. It's an enlightening day when you get dumped for not being needy enough.
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:18 PM
4

I don't think this is a man/woman thing, I think this is a human thing. We evolved socially. As a species, we don't survive alone. Individually, even when we think/feel/act/live as though we are "alone," very very few of us actually are, because of the infrastructure built up around us by our societies. Without that, we wouldn't even have the freedom to be "alone." So I don't think you should be embarrassed by this or mad about it. It may just be a matter of redirecting it in a way that makes mo…
/r/askFDS05/05/21 11:15 PM
1

This would have prompted a Very Serious Conversation if someone I married was publicly saying such things, but I have a strong feeling this is just normal communication for them. Like I said, getting everyone in the mindset to be miserable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 01:36 PM
3

I HATE this trope. When I was engaged (engaged for real, none of this "we've been engaged for 5 years but don't have a date" BS), strangers would make all these "yuk-yuk your life is over" cracks at the first hint of wedding planning (we essentially eloped). I'd put my hand up and say, "I LIKE my boyfriend, don't put your shit on me." It's just one more way people convince each other/ourselves that we're meant to be miserable, and we all know misery hates being alone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 01:26 PM
13

Main male neardy charater? He just get the hot girl at the end without changing a single damn thing about himself. Just keep refusing to take no for an answer and you, too, can have the manic pixie girl of your dreams!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 07:04 PM
5

Oh, you wanna start THAT fight? ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 03:29 PM
5

We have been lied to for decades that sex is or should be part of the “get to know me” process. It isn’t. There’s for-real, hardwired biological forces at work here — we bond. Sex is part of that bonding. Rushing it not only prematurely (and often inappropriately) binds us to people, it suggests it’s a bigger priority than all the other things that are involved with having a relationship and a partner. Even if you’re just sport-fucking and don’t care about a guy’s potential as a long term partne…
/r/askFDS29/04/21 02:26 PM
3

You're working and going to school. He's a parent with "personal issues" in a whole other country. You're questioning it after 6 weeks. Is it...really that special?
/r/askFDS28/04/21 08:24 PM
10

> Maybe he feels we can’t be friends if I don’t trust him? Maybe he feels you can't be friends if he doesn't find you fuckable.
/r/askFDS28/04/21 08:15 PM
3

I had one of those, too. The over-effusive type is a bit of a red flag, too, no? The guy I briefly dated wound up actually getting a number from a service worker when he thought I was too far away to hear. Madness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 08:11 PM
19

Someone somewhere on this sub, possibly quoting someone else (sorry!) said, "Conservative men think women's bodies belong to them. Leftist men think women's bodies belong to everyone." Ouch ouch and triple ouch, and boy did that stick with me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 08:09 PM
9

then tries to order my dinner (which was something he picked WTF) So, you didn't enjoy dating in the 1940s? Who even tries that??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 08:05 PM
34

Holy crap, did we have the same date?? Where I am, every man in every profile on every OLD site/app says sushi is his favorite food. It's so prevalent, I'm starting to wonder if it's some kind of code word. (Also, favorite author = Chuck Palahniuk, every time.) I'm not even that into sushi, but when someone wanted to take me for THE BEST sushi — his favorite! — for our second date, I was all for it. He then proceeded to do just about everything you said above. Also layering ginger slices and was…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 08:03 PM
4

It may very well have been an accident — not an accident that he sent a dick pic, just an accident that he sent it to you. Maybe. I might send it to his Mum anyway. :)
/r/askFDS28/04/21 05:51 PM
2

Such loving advice. No one should see that as "negative." "What would you say if someone you loved told you the same things you've told me?" has always been one of my favorite ways of helping someone to see reality a little more clearly. It's heartbreaking how often people who would become all teeth and claws if a friend was treated a certain way will take that same treatment for themselves. It's not always easy to avoid coming across as all "I told you so!" but... you still gotta tell 'em somet…
/r/askFDS28/04/21 05:48 PM
4

But he could get himself around, right? This guy apparently can't. I totally understand that some places are more navigable without a car than others, and where they live is going to make this more or less red flaggy. Where I live, for instance, a 30 year old without a license has a 99% chance that he got it revoked for DUIs or something similar. The other 1% would be that he has crippling anxiety and can't handle driving, which is a different, very real issue (which I think she'd have brought u…
/r/askFDS28/04/21 04:12 PM
72

When I was dating in my 20s, someone told me that I should never finish my meal on a dinner date. Happy to say I reacted then exactly the way I would react now: looooool
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 03:36 PM
55

Sisters, they do have their wallets on them. It's a game. I have never, in my life, known a man to so much as get the mail without at least 150 things in his pockets, wallet included. Funny how he thought he was the one testing you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 11:02 PM
48

Legit, I almost started typing a reply after #1. That's enough right there. (With the exception of people who live in major metropolises where cars are neither necessary nor practical, which seems clearly not to be the case — don't come for me NYC natives!)
/r/askFDS27/04/21 10:18 PM
25

Yes Yes Yes Honestly, you didn't have to go beyond 1. You're good, friend. Chalk this one up to a rung on the ladder toward your good life. Have no regrets — this guy is a mess, you're not his mother, you're not his mentor, and you gave him more of a chance than he earned. To be perfectly clear: Your standards as listed here are not high nor are they sexist. You are not shallow or out of line to expect basic minimum adult living standards from a partner, and he isn't even there. Even when you do…
/r/askFDS27/04/21 10:16 PM
3

So much truth. Being "good enough" for him (or anyone else) isn't a yardstick OP should concern herself with — she should fully immerse herself in the question of whether she's good enough for HER. But u/ASeaOfQuotes nailed it IMO: Whether he's lying or not is irrelevant. When someone says you aren't going to be together, you just have to believe it and move on. I understand what a trigger that can be for someone who is already vulnerable, but "what did he really mean?" is like the myth of closu…
/r/askFDS27/04/21 03:32 PM
13

I don't know if this is satire or not, but my biggest laugh is at the idea that having some lame sex would be the worst night of anyone's life. Willing to bet most of us chalk it up as a big whatever, and then tell all our friends about him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 02:26 PM
5

It was an eye opener in a few ways! Being an English speaker, I admit I assumed I'd be able to get around pretty much anywhere in Europe. Maybe not easily, but everything we see makes it seem like English is nearly universal. At least the alphabet is (mostly) the same, and I'd be able to puzzle out things I didn't know. But no, it turns out this particular country (while lovely) doesn't have much interest in English. If nothing else, I figured "vodka" is nearly universal, and yet, I had trouble …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 02:12 PM
7

Same. I'm a wordy knucklehead who uses words like knucklehead, but I'm consistent. I used to use an "anonymous" secrets style app. I would change my gender in the bare-bones profile as often as it would let me and holy shit, the difference in the ways people responded to exactly the same things I would say under either flag was revelatory. They may still argue with me as an M, but the nature of it was completely different. No one called me names or threatened violence. (That app is notorious tra…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:44 PM
3

The nerve to correct someone on their regional dialect when you are IN THEIR REGION... Sometimes I tempt people to "correct" me on words like "dreamt" and "spelt." ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:35 PM
5

Half the time, it's goddamn Siri making the mistake anyway!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:33 PM
6

This has always been a dick move, but I really got it after I went overseas to a place where basically no one speaks English. I know I'm not stupid, I know what I'm trying to say, and I tried to learn enough to get around, but ouch the look on people's faces when I'm trying to say it in a language that isn't natural to me... the GULF between people who tried to help me and fill in the blanks, and the ones who dismissed me really brought it home.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:32 PM
6

This is a pretty average thing, in my experience. Talking about A, they want to bring up A(1–7) or even B. The right thing for me is exactly what you said: "That's a topic we can discuss later, now back to the topic at hand." I used to do that online: "That's not what this conversation is about, feel free to start another post about B." Now I just don't bother arguing with people online. :) One of the joys of being of a certain age is not caring what people who are not part of my life think. (Or…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:26 PM
2

When someone wants kids — I mean actively chooses to have kids, actively wants to have and raise children — that's great, and it's definitely something that everyone should be up front about in the early dating stages. It isn't something I believe people should compromise on because that's awful for everyone involved. If people who don't want to raise kids would stop having them, the world would instantly improve (and vice versa — have kids with people who want kids!!! you know how babies are ma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 06:06 PM
18

Nice loophole there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 03:19 PM
1

I know, I'm legit nauseated at this moment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 08:31 PM
2

I think this is a huge thing they do. This dud practically says that — "I like talking to lots of girls, it's just a guy thing." I've seen it a million times, formerly places like Craigslist. They only want you to WANT to meet them, not do any of the actual effort of something as simple as grabbing a drink. (Or maybe he'll "get lucky" and get you to send some pics.) It's for the juice. And like any other addiction, it escalates. Even if he hasn't physically met any of these other women, he's goi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 08:30 PM
4

SO boring. I spent years in BDSM scenes, and learned enough to know that someone even asking "dom or sub?" in your first (or probably any) conversations is already on the wrong track. Yawn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 05:55 PM
3

This is a great point to bring up. I'm regularly surprised by how few interests people on OLD have in their profiles. If they don't have interest, what exactly are they doing with their spare time? The devil will find work for idle hands to do...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 05:53 PM
12

I wish we were better at supporting our young people in this. Not just saying, "Listen, shit is going to loosen waaayyyy up after 35," but helping them to understand the hormonal maelstrom that they will suffer for at least 15 years. Instead, we insist that that insane, chaotic, unsure, temporary brain state is the ideal, and what you should want for forever.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 11:39 PM
6

This is in part the legacy of marketing. A few decades ago, companies realized that if you can snag the youts into brand loyalty, you were golden. So if nothing else, think of if that way: Just another way we are being sold to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 11:36 PM
2

For sure! I have more than once gotten carded and had the clerk pass my ID around marveling "look at her year, she doesn't look that old!" I always say, "This is exactly what 'this old' looks like.'" I just saw a movie commentary where an actor was 4 years older than the actor who was playing her daughter. Four years. We have no idea.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 10:16 PM
2

Totally agree. For those of us with inner urges and wants to make changes, it's awesome to have the freedom to do so — and the freedom not to do so. Those freedoms are both very important.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 10:11 PM
3

I had colored my hair since high school... what a revelation when I stopped a couple of years ago. Not covering grey doesn't mean "giving up" or "letting yourself go." My hair is clean, and styled, and healthy, and feels soooooooo much better (not to mention my poor scalp!). And if you really want to mix it up, there are plenty of in-shower color rinses. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 10:08 PM
3

I'm in exactly the same position, and it's doing my head in. For me, a relationship means sexual exclusivity and social priority, and then maybe some other negotiable details. I don't need (or want) 30 minute check-ins, or permission slips, or putting anyone on my mortgage! How often do we see each other? I don't know, we're individuals with lives and friends and schedules, let's work that out, or see how it evolves. (And if he DOESN'T have a life or a schedule? We're not a match.) Too many peop…
/r/askFDS14/04/21 07:35 PM
1

Right, I don't think that's sending the message they THINK it's sending...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 07:18 PM
6

LVM's fragile sense of masculinity is based on being the opposite of a women, a not-women, if you will. This is so good. I firmly believe it's also why so many men are bizarrely and violently homophobic: The worst thing a man could be is anything like a woman. And what are women? Cocksuckers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 05:15 PM
2

There was a guy on a talk show recently who shat on his sister's porch because he was mad at her, and another time shat on a guy's car hood after some petty altercation. This ADULT MAN volunteered these stories on national TV!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 05:10 PM
2

Holy shit, my ex husband did the same thing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 05:08 PM
10

Every dude on OLD: "I don't want to date, I just want to hang out and see where it goes." What, exactly, do they think dating IS? This dude: "I don't want a relationship, I just want to be close to you, get to know you, spend time with you, work with you, and sleep with you, while not sleeping with anyone else." What, exactly, does he think a relationship IS? I think I have an idea. We've had decades to beat the idea into people's heads that a "Relationship" is a harpy woman telling a downtrodde…
/r/askFDS14/04/21 05:05 PM
10

I was also thinking this former contractor who suddenly doesn't know how to do anything has fallen into a "well, HE doesn't have to do it, why do I have to!" hole. She describes them as having an "uncle and favorite nephew" relationship, which...turns my stomach, frankly. After 13 years, her original partner agreed to bring in a much younger man, who probably thinks he won the lottery — his bills are paid, he doesn't have to work at upkeep, he's got a built-in bro (I wonder how long their nightl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 04:27 PM
19

Because she's the breadwinner. $10 says the younger partner doesn't work at all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 04:20 PM
24

I’m getting the picture that “poly” and (grimace) multiple “nesting partners” sounds free and liberated, but it’s actually a set up for a control freak. It’s definitely not something people who are mature and in control of their own lives seem interested in.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 04:16 PM
2

Thanks! I had a feeling you'd enjoy it. :) Enjoy that fabulous opal!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 05:19 PM
2

It's a smallish opal surrounded by tiny rubies in a silver setting that I got from an antiques/jewelry dealer at an estate sale. (I'd rather not post a pic.) It's a good story — not as good as yours, but good! I was just browsing around estate sales, and found my way there. When I walked in, the owner/dealer immediately said "I love those pants! I love that jacket, everything you've got going on!" So we started chatting, and she (I'd say late 60s, with knee problems that had her in a walker) tol…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 03:45 PM
4

Ooh I love opals! I just bought one for myself. :) What a beautiful gesture — your neighbor knows what’s up. Share the beauty!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/21 10:23 PM
5

Wow! What is this event where women are getting together to out themselves and then cheer for their new awakening?? I love it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 08:16 PM
2

Oh. Ohhh shit. This could be some Munchausen by proxy shit. Sadly, that's the BEST case scenario, as it could just as easily be attempted murder.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 07:59 PM
46

That prosecutor — five fucking stars. Everyone in that case was so quick to step it up and make sure that woman was okay. What a ride.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 07:54 PM
3

All sounds above board to me! :)
/r/askFDS09/04/21 07:52 PM
27

Sounds like a thousand modern "I sent him n00ds but he promised not to share them!" stories.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 07:48 PM
52

Fucking duh? How is this surprising to anyone? That a pornographer treated women like commodities? That the people who hung out at the home of a pornographer were scummy? Who out there did NOT think there was a "dark side" to the Playboy Mansion? As for this "privileged white woman" bullshit, being white doesn't protect you from being abused, and we'd do well to stop subdividing ourselves like this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 07:46 PM
8

Oh gosh, especially that being the case, it would irresponsible to have new people around her. Have you two talked about how/when you'll meet the family?
/r/askFDS09/04/21 07:36 PM
15

I don't know, doesn't sound fishy to me. Covid has kept me from being face-to-face with a lot of people I would have by now. :( Sounds less like hiding and more like being responsible.
/r/askFDS09/04/21 07:25 PM
3

These are very normal preferences (with the possible exception of "older than me" because that could encompass an unhealthy range). It's also completely normal — healthy! — to "rarely develop feelings." In spite of what we seem to be hearing and seeing, you aren't supposed to want everyone who crosses your eyeline. Basically it just looks like "is a decent human with similar interests and outlooks who doesn't repel me." Who is telling you this is too restrictive?
/r/askFDS09/04/21 07:22 PM
3

He is absolutely not health minded, and does not find his sexual health important. Or yours. Especially yours.
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:46 PM
4

Worked for me when I was 10 years old and didn't want to wash dishes — just do a bad enough job and Mommy picks up the slack!
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:45 PM
3

Not just continuing indefinitely without sex, but also without him cleaning his teeth unless you make that appointment and nag him until he goes, or getting a physical unless you make that appointment and nag him until he goes, or picking up after himself unless you nag him until he does... and literally every other simple thing that every grown adult person does not need another grown adult person to tell them to do and arrange for them to do.
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:44 PM
4

"What does this mean?" It means he's lying.
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:41 PM
27

There are some reverse phone directories online, and I'm sure you are dying of curiosity, but as already mentioned, you already blocked 'em, so just block 'em again. Aside from the fact that you owe no one an explanation as to why you blocked them, someone who bypasses your block to contact you anyway is beyond disrespectful and way into dangerous territory. It's called stalking, and it escalates. Pretty common tactic for them to say something that you feel you need to reply to — to explain, to …
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:30 PM
22

– Too much conversation about past relationships. Some people think this is a fine conversational topic, but I really don't, beyond "how long have you been divorced?" and especially not on a first date. There are a few "get to know you" questions I find deeply weird, including "when was your last relationship?" Maybe someone can explain to me why this is a good/valid conversation on a first date, but it turns me off bigtime. It's a very weak conversational topic and something catfish like to use…
/r/askFDS09/04/21 06:19 PM
2

This is an interesting thought. So when people say "men need to show their emotions more" they mean "...to each other..." because being emotional to/with/around women doesn't count?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 02:59 PM
8

Another question I hate, along with what I was just chatting with people about: "So, any luck here?" I'm tempted to just give up immediately, the moment someone asks something like that. At best, it's conversational filler. At worst, it's some kind of litmus test. I don't like being tested. I think every site/app I've used has a "what I'm here for" question/box in the profile. Can he read? "Well, I have to ask anyway, because sometimes people lie on those things," is what someone actually said t…
/r/askFDS09/04/21 02:56 PM
5

I'd be totally horrified if one of my coworkers did this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 02:43 PM
3

It's clear some people see dating as a sport, rather than a means to find a partner. It's suddenly clear to me that "so, any luck on these apps?" is a clue to those people, like we're strangers meeting at a stream, asking how the fishing's going. (This is something a lot of guys have said to me on OLD, usually among the first things they say. I've always found it puzzling and tend to answer things like, "You want to hear about other dates I'm having?" To which they'll reply something like, "Oh I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 02:13 PM
31

Really cranks the horror up, doesn't it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 07:54 PM
58

100% planning to off her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 07:20 PM
66

Not even someone "new," just anyone. Four years they've been together. Four years. And this is happening??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 07:19 PM
6

Some people see "equality" as women doing the same dumb, dangerous, life-impeding shit that men do. Rather than thinking maybe we should lift societal standards so we aren't all suffering, they go with "well, THEY can do it, WE should do it, too!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 06:33 PM
62

I understand that at some level all dates are an audition, but this "I'm only going to carve out 15 minutes for us to meet for the first time" move is a lower level of dog-and-pony shit. For me, it's got nothing to do with money, and everything to do with time, effort, interest, availability... a million other reasons why I don't want someone to suggest something so small for a first date. The spectre of "...in case you aren't as fuckable as I'm hoping" is unavoidable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 05:46 PM
145

Gods, the cynicism, the cynicism. I recognize the irony of me saying that here of all places, but this philosophy of "let me make this the shortest, most easily-escapable date I possibly can, because I'm going to hate every second" that I see constantly is just twisted. Y'all, you don't have to date. If you're approaching dates with this level of dread, just...just don't date.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 05:17 PM
2

Yes. Just like the millions of other shitheels in this world, he's no longer your problem.
/r/askFDS08/04/21 04:43 PM
37

It's over. What kind of life he has going forward should have as much relevance to you as any of the other 7+ billion people on earth who are not part of your life. Easy to say, I know, but say it anyway, and say it a lot. If you continue internalizing this, or you're going to promise yourself a restricted life. You are bigger and better than that — take the space you have now to expand your life. The world is big enough for many people to succeed, and something "good" happening to him doesn't t…
/r/askFDS07/04/21 08:56 PM
5

Don't be ashamed of looking through his social media activity. First of all, it's public. Second, it's entirely relevant to your potential future. The people who tell you to be ashamed of browsing your date's *publicly available activities* are the same people who invented the Ride or Die lie — there's one reason and only one reason they want you to keep your eyes closed and devote yourself to someone "no matter what he does."
/r/askFDS07/04/21 08:28 PM
4

I say no. :) Because I don't. If someone asks, I usually ask what HIS specialties are.
/r/askFDS07/04/21 08:15 PM
23

I was skimming along waiting for the part I just KNEW was coming: "I have a new GF now nyah nyah!" This is not someone who has moved on. This is someone who thinks about you every single day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 07:47 PM
5

I am such an inveterate smartass that after someone did that to me as a youngster, I grabbed his flaccid peen and just started cranking on it as hard as I could. Guess what? He didn't like it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 05:26 PM
15

Not even porn — think of how many mainstream movies promote the "she kept saying no...until she said yes" narrative. ROMANTICALLY!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 05:22 PM
6

This hurts me down to my soul. She reads as quite young. I wish she had someone in her life who led her to understand that her wants and requirements are supreme, and helped her to learn how to respond to things OUT LOUD. I'm weeeellll aware of that freeze moment when something is happening and you just aren't capable to break out of the fear. She's out of that moment now, and even though I get a strong feeling she's afraid to talk about these things with her family/friends (why on earth would s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 05:20 PM
5

I think when there's a stalling point, you can feel it. When you start feeling like the onus is on you, and you don't WANT it, that's a good time to move on.
/r/askFDS06/04/21 04:55 PM
6

he doesn’t want to plan the date and wants you to plan it together? Really 🙄 screams lazy and low effort AGAIN Lazy/low effort OR insecurity (that his ideas are good enough). I went through YEARS of "I don't know if I'm cool enough for you" men, with all the attendant "oh you're cool! you're good! praise praise encouragement praise!" Whether that's insecurity or some kind of mindgame, fuck all that noise.
/r/askFDS06/04/21 04:54 PM
3

Totally agree. Trafficking victims aren't SWers, just like there's no such thing as child-you-know-what, and people involved in law enforcement are VERY strict about how they refer to CSAM. The notion that a cam "model" and a child in a locked room are in the same "business" IS ridiculous, even if they do have cross-over audiences.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 03:59 PM
2

While I totally agree that camgirls are on another end of the spectrum, I still think it's important that the job gets classified for what it is, which is SW. I don't even think trafficked people should be called "prostitutes" OR SW, when there's literally no choice in the matter. They are straight-up kidnap victims — how is this "work" at all??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 02:46 PM
10

The FBI itself says this does not work. Making a "safe" version of a dire act easily consumable tends to escalate perpetrators, not sate them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 02:25 PM
6

when she does not desire that person then her body and brain are still experiencing rape. She’s just tricking the trauma into another compartment. This is a super interesting viewpoint and I'd love to see if there are any studies on this. SW is almost always bundled (from what I've read) with a whole host of other trauma and ugliness, I don't see how it would be possible for someone to participate in good health.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 02:18 PM
24

Absolutely! Basic human stuff. I wouldn’t keep friends who always rejected my ideas in favor of their own, yet my “compromise” brain made it make sense in a marriage.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/21 07:13 PM
93

You are going to have SO much fun! This is one of the things I didn’t realize about my marriage until I was out of it. We traveled a bit, long weekends, lots of activities. But I realized almost all of it was for things that interested him. Sure, I could get into it, too, because I’m a sponge and can have a good time doing just about anything, especially with someone who is excited about it. But over a couple of years, every long weekend, every vacation, every night out was centered specifically…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/21 06:04 PM
5

Give us the list of privileges. Typically, they say: - Free Meals/Drinks - Alimony - Not Supposed To Punch In Face Is that it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/21 04:24 PM
7

If he torments his own pets and is nice to others', the difference is probably who is watching and what consequences are on offer. Straight up, don't even speak crossly to my cat, because I'll put you out of the house. While I recognize that different animals have different personalities, if someone's own pets are skittish or aggressive, that's a high sign of what's going on when no one is watching.
/r/askFDS01/04/21 04:20 PM
2

A big problem I've seen is how we wind up talking past each other, as our priorities don't mesh. Men are taught that "providing" for their family means working outside the home and bringing in money. Any court show has this on repeat: He says, "I do everything for them — I work 80 hours a week and buy them anything they want!" Women are taught that "providing" for their family means getting them up and ready for school, making them healthy meals, buying their clothes, kissing their booboos, cari…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/21 03:46 PM
1

"Financial abuse" my ass — that's financial ADVICE most people would give a dual-income couple. Three accounts: Yours, mine, ours. You want to never fight about money again? Do that. This is another insidious piece of advice that...maybe had some good intentional originally, this "put everyone else first to have a happy, healthy family" notion. Better, I think, to have a lifeguard mentality: You can't save anyone else if you're drowning.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/21 03:37 PM
3

Even the ones who aren't conscious/self-aware of this tendency are clearly warped by their phones being fap tools. It was a dark day in my life when I realized this, that to the majority of men I've met or even talked to on OLD, phone = pr0n, and anyone ON the phone = pr0n, that includes me, no matter how sincere my dating app aspirations. I suggested once that any man who is sincere about using OLD (I'm sure they're out there) should have separate devices for separate activities. Maybe only use…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:52 PM
10

"And then she insulted my NEST!!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:48 PM
5

I once had a first/blind date excuse himself during our dinner when he ran into a friend, so they could go outside and smoke weed for 20 minutes. I don't even know why I waited for him to come back, but I can at least say the date ended shortly after he returned (heavy with dank).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:47 PM
19

"Reconsidering." I'm dying to know how she responded. $100 says she was like "okay cool, good luck, have a nice life" and her indifference really sparked for him. People are so goddamned unhealthy, and we're being sold this is how it's supposed to be.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:45 PM
3

This thing where you think you're supposed to see fireworks and, I don't know, black out in the first 15 seconds of meeting someone is insidious.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:43 PM
3

You're right, bad examples can be normalizing. It's a pit, and shit is being heaped on us daily, making it harder and harder to see daylight (let alone make it out!). I'm really sorry you weren't getting that supportive energy back. I've been there, too. It blows and is doubly frustrating when people want a piece of that without actually doing the work. I've definitely had that breaking point more than once, where my generous, supportive nature was finally overwhelmed by the absolute vacuum of t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 04:34 PM
3

LOVE IT! A man of obvious good sense and taste. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 03:55 PM
1

nagging makes people more secure and complacent in any relationship. That's brilliant. I've often wondered how people who are supposedly in love or at least CARE about each other can speak they way they do. I was at my mother's recently and she had Dr Phil on in the background. They were showing a clip recorded in a car of a woman driving, and her partner in the passenger seat was leaning toward her, screaming "SHUT UP!" at the top of his lungs. (And this was recorded by the person in the back s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 03:15 PM
7

I get this, to a deep degree. I've had the Martyr Wife friends for years, and yeah, it seems like if they aren't bitching about their SOs, they literally don't know what to do with themselves. They set everything in their lives up TO BE like this. "He never does anything. And then when he does fold the towels, he does it WRONG. He sees his buddies every Tuesday, and even though I could go see my friends, I just have so much to do here!" Can you see the insidiousness in between the lines? And whi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 03:07 PM
9

Oh my god. BLESS you for saving your daughters from that cycle, as well as yourself. I have a feeling this woman is also thinking that she doesn't want to "break up" the family and leave her kids "without" a father. That must have been so incredibly hard for you to do in the face of your little angels thinking this is what happy IS. But trust, when they are old enough to understand for themselves, they'll know you did the right thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:52 PM
9

Really, just a smile would show how gorgeous she is — and you and I both know that this husband of hers is suddenly going to "remember" what a stunner she is the second something lights her up from the inside (on her way out).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:49 PM
13

He isn't seeing PAST the grey hairs and the well-earned badges of your age and status — if he's got any soul at all, he's loving you FOR all of that as well! Don't buy into any "the wall" BS. I mean, you know this, but I'm your age, too, and I have to remind myself as well not to internalize the youth obsession we're surrounded with. I'm not beautiful for a woman over 40, I'm not gorgeous in spite of grey hairs, I am beautiful and gorgeous full STOP. I also happen to be over 40, and something th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:46 PM
13

And how every breath is an exasperated sigh. Her insides are roiling, it's heartbreaking to see. But we need to see it. I'm sure she got all kinds of shit about "that's what being a mother is like, just keep it to yourself" from other people who haven't quite realized that no, they don't have to live like this. That it isn't heroic to get shit on while/for trying to fully participate in the life you both chose. What starts with complaining hopefully leads to action.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:39 PM
7

Bless you for doing all the right things while still getting none of the credit — and eating that. It's gotta be SO hard not to scream it to the heavens and tell your kids what really goes down, but you obviously know that raising human beings is a goddamned marathon. The sprinters get the glory, but the marathoners bring balanced, successful people into the world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:37 PM
3

So you can be cool! And modern! And emotionally barren!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:27 PM
7

Oh I just saw "reciprosexual" as a *sexual orientation* on a site the other day. What's that you ask because please don't waste your time on the rabbit hole you will be propelled down by looking it up? It's just what you think it is — being sexually attracted to someone who is attracted to you. First of all, big fucking duh, "mutual attraction" is pretty foundational. But aside from that?? GOOD GOD, your so-called "orientation" is "someone who wants me"? Painful to my soul. Just like any interes…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:24 PM
5

Well, because women don't like sex anyway, right? So they may as well just do whatever he wants, because for us it's like waiting on a bus. It's literally what we're here on earth FOR.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:20 PM
6

This is why some factions have worked so tirelessly to make "judge" a bad word. You can't JUDGE anyone! Don't be so JUDGY! Everything has two exactly equal points of view, and differentiating between them makes you BAD! Don't "judge," that way you can't evaluate your own situation, can't have opinions and preferences of your own, or GODS FORBID, standards, priorities, or requirements. So judgy!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:18 PM
7

If you watch talk shows, you'll see a "he shouldn't suffer for the rest of his life because he's on the registry, I love him and you can't stop me moving the offender I've known for 12 days in with my children" episode weekly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 12:54 PM
3

As someone whose marriage was ended by giving him “the gift” of being “open minded” about his kinks, this is damn near triggering for me. Did we say “boundary pushing”? Did we say “gaslighting”? Did we say “reciprocation”? Let him play outside of the relationship??! Is this for real, or is this reverse psychology, hoping that someone reads that for what it actually is: get out now. I would LOVE to see the men’s magazines that relentlessly advocates that HE change everything about what he wants o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 12:52 PM
2

I think "everybody loves ass" is a justification you don't need to make. I don't love ass. If you love ass, that's cool, but if you don't, there's no reason why you shouldn't say so. You know what I'm saying? I spent a lot of time trying to "soften" everything I say, make sure I don't come across too strident or (gods forbid!) prudish. Fuck it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 08:48 PM
2

Which do you all think happened first, the ass-out prevalence of Instagram, or the ass-out prevalence everywhere else? Even the eyeglasses ads on FB are making me uncomfortable lately.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 08:39 PM
3

I think a lot of times, it goes: "Hey there's someone I'd like to date. Oh, she has a boyfriend. Let me switch gears to see if she will just NSA fuck me instead of go on a date." She therefore goes from being a person to being meat. That's where things get dangerous.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/21 07:17 PM
6

As a midwesterner it pains me greatly, but I gotta go with the MFM hosts on this one: "Fuck politeness."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 08:12 PM
15

Are you interested in having a LTR with someone? If you are, you don't have time in your life for FWBs, I think you already know that. Even if he's done nothing wrong and has been perfectly lovely, time spent in that dead end is time you won't have to spend on things you find more valuable. It's just junk food. You want it when you want it, but you regret it almost immediately! So think about whether you want to spoil your appetite. ;)
/r/askFDS17/03/21 05:38 PM
48

I'm unbothered to admit that "not all men are [whatever]," so we're not talking about those men. If it isn't you, then we aren't talking about you, and you shouldn't be bothered either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 04:31 PM
4

I wonder how this ties in to the very weird "my son is my little man / man of the house" and "some day I'll lose him when he finds a woman of his own" philosophy. I don't have kids, I have siblings with many. So when I heard a family member say something exactly like "I'm going to be heartbroken when my only son starts dating" I immediately reacted like that was a fucking bizarre thing to say, because it IS. But all my other child-having (female) relatives in the room were aghast at ME for findi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 03:01 PM
15

I was just thinking this — frequently when people talk about daughters being more difficult to raise, it's in the context of dealing with the boys who will come sniffing around. So, sons = easy because you just set them loose to be boys, and daughters = difficult because of...the boys being set loose to be boys. Seems like a loop that parents may have a little something to do with.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 02:57 PM
4

I like this response a lot. I was just talking to my mother about something similar to this, and how sometimes you just have to say "I love you, I'm happy you're happy, and I will talk to you about literally anything else under the sun but [topic X]." My general philosophy is I'll give my opinion about something once, then consider it known and move on. "Bit early for all this, isn't it?" is about all I would say, then I'd mind my own business. No one wants to be a buzzkill, but it can be so ann…
/r/askFDS16/03/21 02:48 PM
17

Tread…carefully. I had an ex’s ex (after me) contact me and it was a: unwelcome, b: intended only to slag on him and try to drag me into their drama, c: stalkerish. (Now, that situation was the reverse of yours — I was fine, and SHE was the depressed one. That’s unfortunate, but us having been lied to by the same person isn’t enough for me to want to be her friend.) The bigger question, I think, is why are you following these people on IG?
/r/askFDS14/03/21 09:33 PM
1

Nothing is wrong with it. It's the same attitude you should probably have. If I'm in love with someone and I tell him I am, and he rejects me, why on earth would I stick around and just torture myself?
/r/askFDS11/03/21 04:53 PM
6

I don't think his priorities changed. Sounds like they were always the same, he was just riding high on that New Relationship Energy for a hot second. This is why you can't usually accurately judge someone in the first few dates/weeks — anyone can play at something temporarily. Even if it isn't intentionally trying to get you hooked into a bait and switch, it usually takes a while for someone to relax into who they really are. So, of course things were fun and easy in the beginning — they usuall…
/r/askFDS11/03/21 12:35 AM
1

Well, she's just his fiancee, so the baby is probably getting her name anyway.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/21 12:20 AM
2

Yep. Lowest common denominator is rarely optimal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/21 05:03 PM
3

So much of it seems like they just kinda…give up. Like, girl-children can be taught and civilized (and so they put in the effort), and boy-children are just untamable and unrelenting. Thus “boys will be boys.” You see it in parenting, you see it in classrooms… they just kinda throw up their hands and let them wild out. Seems like a lot of people think the equality solution to this is to also let girl-children wild out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/21 04:19 PM
4

I started listing off to her the things that she's currently doing, and she kept saying, "Yeah, well..." No no, my darling, no "well" and no "but"! Negative self-talk is POISON! We have to be very cognizant of what "scale" we are using and not judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 04:46 PM
5

I feel like it's a normal reaction, too, one that certain societal movements are trying to work out of us completely. "Jealousy" and "judgment," these have reasonable purposes in relationships, too. Even if this IS "jealousy," it's righteous, and denying all of that leads us to all this "open relationship" nonsense.
/r/askFDS08/03/21 03:13 PM
7

This was my thought, too. "Hey, the way Jane talks to you is a bit much, eh?" To HIM, not her. (Although if I witnessed something happening in my presence, I might say something to her, too, because it's disrespectful.) He'll probably say something about how it's NBD, they're friends, all the mutual friends, etc. And let's assume that's true, and it really hasn't crossed his mind that it could look inappropriate or make her uncomfortable. Like you said, what he does/says next will speak volumes,…
/r/askFDS08/03/21 03:09 PM
4

Oh man, this exactly speaks to a conversation I had with my 70-something mother this weekend. For some unknowable reason, she tried to join eharmony a few years ago. (Probably just bored with time on her hands — the same reason most people join OLD, NOT to actually date.) She said, "I am the most boring person!" My MOTHER, who put herself through nursing school in her 30s with a houseful of kids, is a PSYCH nurse, worked in prisons, takes care of everyone's kids daily, is a caretaker for handica…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 02:55 PM
4

Oof, this is one I had to get my head around — it wasn't me, it was how I made him feel. I could have been anyone, as long as I was feeding that. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 02:30 PM
5

For real, how fun would that be? If I had the space, it's just the sort of thing I'd love randomly in the corner of a room!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 02:28 PM
5

I hope you now understand how wildly abusive all this behavior was! Unfortunately, a lot of the people in similar situations see each thing as a separate act, and make it about "he doesn't like stuffed animals" when that isn't what it's about at ALL. It's denying a person's agency and personhood, full stop. He doesn't see her as a person, an individual, gods forbid a partner, he sees her as an accessory, a tool, a subset of the things he owns. So of course he wouldn't think twice about destroyin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 02:27 PM
2

I hope you have a lawyer. Anything this man needs to say, he can say to your lawyer.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/03/21 10:16 PM
22

Holy shit. He found the bottom and kept digging. Good lord.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/21 11:49 PM
2

The phone thing is tricky because I hear all day how people don't want phone calls. Just today, in fact, some coworkers were talking about how weird it is for someone to knock on the door, which segued into "yeah and don't CALL me either, what is this, 1983?" So that one, I can't even count against a person. Now, asking you to his place when you haven't even met yet? THAT is bad vibes. (Even though 100% of the time they'll tell you "I didn't mean like THAT" and/or "I was just joking," that's not…
/r/askFDS04/03/21 11:43 PM
1

I love this! This is so cute!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/21 11:35 PM
16

Therapy. I don't mean that glibly. You recognize there's something you need to work on, but you may not be able to do it from within the house. You need to recognize your value. People who are too much into drama seem to think it's the thing that makes them interesting, or that drama is the same thing as passion. Intellectually, you know that's not true, but you need to get it out of the rest of your system.
/r/askFDS03/03/21 05:31 PM
7

Oh, I am exhausted.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/03/21 05:25 PM
1

I don't think lots of texting is in and of itself a red flag. Some people like loads, some people don't. BUT. I always put myself in the other position. If I was really excited about someone, to the point where I wanted to text him 3-4 times before he even responded — especially if he'd specifically said he was pretty busy at the moment — how would I handle it? I would probably say, "Oh, understood, hit me when you get the chance." And leave it there. That, to me, feels like the emotionally matu…
/r/askFDS03/03/21 05:22 PM
5

It's a good idea to always have an out when you're driving, regardless of who you are or where you are. Maybe it's something I picked up from years of motorcycling, maybe because I've been rear-ended a few times (always 100% the other driver's fault!), but always leave your vehicle enough space for emergency maneuvering, whether you're moving or stopped. And never be afraid to hit a person/vehicle who means you harm. The things we do to "protect" our cars while opening ourselves to damage is...w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/21 04:33 PM
21

FYI, you can buy regular mechanical light timers at any home store for cheap, and you can get wifi enabled plugs for <$10 which don't need any Alexa/Google devices to run. Any of them will work with a number of free apps which typically have random on/off modes, or condition modes (eg. "at sunrise do X" or "at 7am on M, Th, and Sun do Y").
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/21 10:15 PM
20

It's something I used to do, so I understand the rationale. In Utopia, we could say, "Well, we liked each other for a reason, and just because the romantic relationship didn't work out doesn't mean we aren't good friends!" Realistically, it's prob not going to work that way. It's very rare for two people to "mutually decide" to end a relationship. One of them (at least!) is almost always going to have some open-ended feelings, and that's a cracked door to boundary busting. We don't want him to H…
/r/askFDS25/02/21 10:11 PM
6

If someone can't even manage a *phone call* at the correct time for your first real contact... how can anyone imagine that is going to get BETTER? Well done keeping your boundaries. :)
/r/askFDS25/02/21 08:43 PM
1

So many things are so much improved when we let go of the notion that we have to be “good” at it to enjoy it! Just let it roll! ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:44 PM
1

Awesome! Just make sure your relationships/interactions aren't all about The Mens. Don't fail the Bechdel Test in your own life. ;)
/r/askFDS24/02/21 07:27 PM
14

Who is responsible for this "trust is the cornerstone of a relationship" thing because he and I need to have a talk. "If you trust me, you should never question anything I do, at any time, or with any person, and if you don't trust me, you don't loooooooove me!" Sound right? And of course no one ever talks about the flipside of that: "if you love me, you wouldn't do things that threaten my peace of mind and/or the relationship itself." No no, his *behavior* isn't the problem, you *questioning an…
/r/askFDS23/02/21 06:21 PM
4

The cycle. This is so important to remember. "But when it's good, it's really good!" isn't going to save your life (or sanity). I just remember that Dennis Rader was by all accounts a "good" husband and father for over 30 years. He just had, ya know, that one little flaw.
/r/askFDS23/02/21 06:12 PM
6

Big struggle. Been my experience for the past couple of years. I really really REALLY wish I could offer some encouragement on this, but all I can say is cultivate the friendships with the women in your life. I'm not even saying give up. But if you find yourself regretting time you've spent with these nothing dates, rechanneling that energy into deeper friendships may be just the recharge you need.
/r/askFDS23/02/21 06:08 PM
10

This is behavior that is encouraged, rewarded, and practically insisted on by movies, and it's been driving me crazy since I was a CHILD. Even a baby should be able to see the "keep pushing until she loves you" philosophy is garbage — and criminal. Somehow, filmmakers have interpreted "no means no" as "no means keep trying until she loves you because YOU DESERVE IT." I'm glad to see you're seeing this for what it is.
/r/askFDS23/02/21 06:04 PM
2

I am currently in chiropractic therapy, and he has prescribed me some stretches and entry level yoga to help my situation/condition, and yes, I can totally feel the good chemicals kicking in! With zero impact (exercise) which my joints just don't tolerate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 04:54 PM
3

Sing. Loudly. Like, really loudly. And badly, if I can't hit the note. No apologies. :) (I recognize not everyone can do that in their current location, but cars are pretty sound deadening, and I can say from experience, if someone walks past your car and sees/hears you screeching out...Nitzer Ebb, I don't know, they will usually smile in total understanding and keep on truckin.) ETA: On the opposite end of that, I have lately discovered that I really enjoy watching maker/restoration videos as p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 04:50 PM
9

I used to subscribe to “Heavy Metal” magazine in the 90s because I loved the variety of art. Before the full year passed, I had to write to cancel when I realized that every single issue he a rape scene. At least one. Every issue, without fail.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 01:17 AM
5

Oh man, I have such early memories of being confused and repulsed by the whole Luke and Laura “romance.” I was barely a baby and knew that was fucked up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 01:15 AM
4

The eldest son on "Six Feet Under" got called out for a whole thing that I (too late) realized summed up my ex-husband: He wants damaged people because it makes him feel like a better man without actually improving himself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 05:55 PM
4

I don't know how people think things will get better once you're in each other's space 7 days a week. One of the last guys I dated obviously made a run through the whole house to clean all the bathrooms and make all the beds before I came over. The fact that he noticed, and cared, and wanted to make sure to impress me was a goddamned relief.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 05:31 PM
2

One day? ONE DAY?? I don't think I'd be capable of making that much of a mess in a week, even if I TRIED. Couldn't even close the microwave??!??! I do wonder if this is new behavior. What did his apartment look like before they married? Was he always aggressively a slob and she ignored it (love conquers all!) or did he go mad after the fact?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 05:28 PM
3

Same here. So much of what we talk about here applies perfectly to friendships and family relationships, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 03:48 PM
9

I get a real feeling of "let's see how YOU like it!" from that app now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 03:02 PM
1

The "wall" thing is exactly what I think any time I see posts like this, and why I can't stop myself from replying. "They're assholes so we're going to be assholes in exactly the same way" is not likely to improve any situation. It's also worrying to me that too many of our sisters have internalized this thinking and believe that "youth and beauty" are not only unbreakably linked but the highest standard, and their lives are over at 35. Of course anyone over 35 realizes this is bullocks, but it'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 03:01 PM
27

That's my experience. The older men I've dated have their own problems, but it isn't usually that they expect me to have my feet behind my head and be twirling plates during The Act. The men who literally can't get erect without a phone in their hand, the ones who think every performance is for a camera, the ones who aren't at all present and will stop dead to ask "where do you want it?" — they're the youngsters. Not to suggest it's a contest when they all suck...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 02:17 AM
22

aka "babysitting my kids"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 12:25 AM
7

When I got divorced, a friend of mine was a family law attorney, and she privately recommended to me to get as much as I could in writing as soon as possible, because the arc goes like this: 1: The spouse who fucked up feels penitent and may try to make the divorce "easier" 2: Someone gets in said fucked-up spouse's ear 3: Fucked-up spouse suddenly wants to ruin the other spouse I'm glad I heeded her experience, because it's almost exactly what happened to me. She also told me that in her practi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 12:25 AM
85

The irony of Bumble, which positions itself as the better option for women since we're the ones to "make the first move," is that my experience is that we get all the same swipe ho's that makes Tinder such a joy — these deep thinkers who indiscriminately swipe right on literally everyone, and then wait to see who matches before then actually looking at them. So we get the double pleasure of all the inappropriate matches AND making the first move to get blown off. Super fun.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 12:18 AM
137

Just a quick reminder that not all the women in this sub are 25. :) Being "old" is rarely the problem. Being an inappropriate, useless pig is a problem... but being <30 doesn't magically cure that either. As I am a woman over 40, I get the "stamina of a young man in his prime" sales pitch on a daily basis, as if slamming away for an hour is what I want either. Youth alone isn't anything to worship, and if you think any of us lose value because we've left our 30s, you've got some internalized non…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 12:15 AM
5

I'm perfectly comfortable expanding that out: Trying to be in a "relationship" with someone who spends 16 hours a day on any leisure activity is going to be disappointing for you (at best). So don't get too focused on whether video games are "good" or "bad." They're just a prevalent example.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 11:50 PM
2

The eternal fiance! If you don't have a wedding date, you don't have a fiance, you have a boyfriend.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 08:56 PM
3

Show Too Much = Bad Show Too Little = Bad May as well just make yourself happy. :) Deceptively simple, ain't it? ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/21 08:09 PM
3

Yesssss'm! It's not like anyone who would ever say something like that to you is trying to enlighten you anyway — there's never a good reason, whether the claim is true or untrue which is wildly subjective anyway, to denigrate someone like that. They get mad because you have the nerve THE NERVE to be unconcerned with appealing to them. That's it! Full stop.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/21 08:07 PM
5

It just makes things harder for a certain type of suitor when you have any confidence in yourself at all. I used to think this was just some BS that "conceited" women liked to claim, this idea that if someone says "you're pretty" and you said "I know" that it triggers them. Weeeelllll... I don't get THAT kind of compliment, what I get is I'm smart or cool or funny, and the couple of times I've ever sarcastically responded to new potential suitors saying "you're funny!" with "I know!" their react…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/21 07:57 PM
8

Welcome to the world of madonna/wh*re, which is what ended my marriage (and probably every other relationship I have had or could ever have had). I don't even know what to say any more. We just keep destroying ourselves and each other in the name of "freedom." I don't know how to go back.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/21 07:05 PM
3

I would think the BEST we could hope for is that the parents would be made aware and would actually, you know, try to IMPROVE their little shithead's outlook. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 08:12 PM
7

"Oh he's only doing that because he liiiiiikes you!" Man, even as a 5 year old I knew this was bullshit. Do they think they are protecting the young GIRLS' feelings with this bullshit? Because we know that isn't how WE treat people we like!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 06:34 PM
5

It helped me a lot to really internalize "No is a complete sentence." There doesn't have to be a "but," there doesn't have to be a "because," it's okay to not fill the stunned silence with anything but your last word.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 06:33 PM
20

I don't have kids and am not in this world, and I mean this as a legit question: does this ever lead to worse bullying or perhaps the bad seed's parents ganging up? Or am I watching too many after school specials and Court TV? All of my instincts say that if I had a little urchin and she said, "I don't want Rhubarb at my party because Rhubarb steals my lunch" I'd say fuck Rhubarb. But then we're all pretty invested in teaching our kids "inclusivity" and there's this thread of "Rhubarb just needs…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 04:30 PM
12

I've mentioned before that I like to watch trash TV while I'm doing the dishes, and "The People's Court" was on the other day. I watched Judge Milian berate a young woman because she didn't kick out when her *landlord* hugged her too long and "touched my behind." This young woman obviously froze, which is a natural reaction — and I mean natural as in from nature, it's really called "fight, flight, or freeze." For a lot of us, not only has Be Sweet been indoctrinated in us, it's also just our nat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 04:24 PM
2

We really need to get better at honoring our Mothers' experiences — or at the very least learning from them, for good or ill.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 03:41 PM
4

Oh god, that just reminded me of another lost friend~ who, in her 40s, was so over the moon that some 20-something degen would DEIGN to share his peen with her that she kept having him over for sex even as he continued to steal her jewelry. ~This one I specifically broke up with after she and a relative of mine met at my place and decided to attend an event together (which I couldn't make). I very specifically told her not to even think about making a pass at my relative — because I knew how she…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 03:38 PM
9

Nope, because THEIR daughters are people! Human people who deserve respect and love and protection! Everyone else's daughters, well, they're just Pussy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 03:27 PM
10

Pretty much my life philosophy for the past couple of years. Someone is going to hate me no matter what I do, so I'm going to do me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/21 03:25 PM
3

The letters I've gotten from my local water and sewerage department endorse the above message.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/21 07:39 PM
5

I don't know, if you find women "objectively" more attractive than men, you may not be as straight as you think you are. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/21 07:38 PM
6

Pickup artists.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/21 10:08 PM
4

Well, this is a horrifying statistic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/01/21 04:50 PM
3

Funny how that can be used as both an excuse to stay where you shouldn't and leave when you have any work to do...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 05:45 PM
1

That's what I'm saying though — him watching a certain type of porn does not contradict him finding you attractive. In fact, if he had a chance to actually date a woman who looked like the porn he watches, he probably would not do it. They aren't people, they are acts, they are mannequins, cartoons, parodies of reality. This is not justification this is another problem. It's madonna/wh*re complex writ large.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 05:44 PM
15

Agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 01:56 AM
72

No question. hahaha Like he was going to get there, be simply APPALLED at your tacky curtains, and refuse to bed you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:55 AM
82

I was going to ask how exactly he proposed "vetting" you. He wanted to come check out your HOME before your first date?? Effffffffff no.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:51 AM
2

Well, and being told the specifics he did, yes for sure those are all "hell yeah I am!" moments!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:47 AM
4

Totally understand. When we're hurt and angry, it crosses a lot of wires. I was just concerned you might have been comparing and competing, which is a very bad path to go down. I'm relieved that isn't the case. <3
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:46 AM
33

Someone even claiming to have a "dream girl" sounds like a red flag to me. No one is ever going to be 100% of the things someone wants, because those lists tend to include contradictory traits for one thing. Same goes for "soul mate." It sounds to me like an easy way to get out of thinking you have to work at a relationship or compromise in any way, and an excuse to keep "shopping" for those last few checkmarks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:41 AM
3

I get that "intimidating" thing a lot, too, and I kinda hate it, maybe because I've heard it too much. And for similar things you described — those are all EXCELLENT traits, and should be a MAGNET for people, not intimidation. Bugs the hell out of me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:26 AM
2

Did I mention how some dope on Bumble the other day started our conversation by asking if I was a "natural-born female"? Nice try, bro, but I'm bullet proof.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:19 AM
7

All I can think is this weird...thing where "putting a baby in" someone is the ultimate compliment. I've even seen women screeching at each other while competing for some POS that "I have his baby, what do YOU have?" Fucking weird.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:16 AM
65

Some of my personal trigger-finger-activators: • Pictures with no profile (self-description) text • "If you're a [fill in the blank] swipe left" (it barely even matters what the blank is) • More than 1 pic that appears to be at a bar (this isn't a knock on bars or even drinking, it's a knock on not appearing to do anything else) • "I'm not really [age] I'm actually [higher or lower doesn't even matter]" (being over 40, I get a lot of 20-somethings claiming to be older and then explaining in thei…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/21 12:07 AM
6

I'm sorry that you've gone through this. I want to emphasize to you, though, that you comparing yourself to the actresses in those movies isn't the point. When you dig down, a lot of guys don't even see those women as human beings, so they aren't comparing you with them either. But more importantly, YOU need to not do that. The point isn't "he watches women that don't look right" or even "he watches women who don't look like me." The point is that he stops seeing them as women at all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 11:10 PM
2

I know this feeling, and I've had this experience. This is, in part, I think, what people mean when they say things like "men and women can't be friends." I don't think that's true, but I DO think it's really tricky to keep someone on a friend level when they are whatever gender it is you're attracted to, because of *course* we build all these feelings and bond throughout the growing friendship, and naturally think, "Oh, I love him!" And... maybe I DO love him, but not in a lifemate way, or I lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 10:35 PM
1

Ohhhh honey. You've already seen your future with him — hell, you see your present with him, but if the two of you cohabitate, you can see how that's going to go. Do you have the totally-honest-with-yourself answer as to why you're staying?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:59 PM
3

"Compromising" and "submitting" are indeed two verrrryyyy different outcomes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:57 PM
1

When we say porn has ruined (at least) a generation, we mean that in a lot of ways... It's like thinking I can cook because I watch Bake Off.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:51 PM
1

My thought, too. It may doubly apply to that sort of dude, but being "higher functioning" doesn't mean you're owed anything either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:50 PM
2

When I got divorced, I had a friend sneak into the former marital home in the middle of the night to abscond my beloved kitty. (I was waiting until I was moved in to the new place.) The ex didn't even seem perturbed by that. Maybe he was curious that an entire cat was gone, but I guess I'll never know. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/01/21 04:02 PM
3

One thing I thought would be awesome about "zoom dating" is that you can ask the guy for a tour of his house without actually being IN the house. You could learn a lot. (Theoretical, of course, because I haven't had a date in...longer than.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/01/21 03:57 PM
5

One Wolf here myself, and I've found it makes a huge difference (internally if nothing else) to differentiate between "alone" and "lonely" — alone being a simple physical state and lonely being an emotional one. Turns out, they are barely connected! We always talk about "feeling alone in a crowd of people," but we don't talk enough about "alone and not feeling lonely"! If you DO want more association with more people, it might be worth making some of the moves people have suggested. (I met the 3…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/21 05:22 PM
18

I feel this deeply. I "joke" that I was raised by wolves, having a mother who figured we were born who we were and she didn't need to do much else but keep us alive. It takes a long time to recognize the damage, let alone remedy it. I'm so happy to see that you recognized that neglect for what it was and turned that around! I went the route of never having kids, which may be making this even more difficult for me to work through.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/21 02:48 PM
2

Funny, I screen shot everything, too. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 11:08 PM
3

Oh lord nooooooo! Thanks for making me hate the sound of my own phone, ya knucklehead!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:09 PM
15

Perspective and a little bit of distance are amazing, aren't they?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:07 PM
5

Happy to say it bothered me not one jot. I actually LOLed. (He's the one who ultimately blocked me, if that tells you anything.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:05 PM
67

A vibrator has never tried to choke me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:31 PM
27

Aside from the bird's eye view of what he was probably after, I don't even understand this conversation. Literally can't follow it. In other news, I had someone on Bumble I "matched" with yesterday send me 3 nearly full-screen messages after I had sent nothing but that automated wave. The punchline? He wanted to know — no offense of course! and am I a prude who was going to try to block him just for asking! — if I was a "natural-born woman." The next person who says, "How are you single? Have yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:28 PM
13

Me, too. One of my besties, in fact. He'll send "uh" "um" "well I might" "okay let's do it" as a response to one message from me. It's mental.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:25 PM
34

Where I can show you my nest.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:24 PM
12

"I don't even make that much money." Irrelevant. Completely, entirely irrelevant. He's her boyfriend, not her child, not even her husband — she owes him none of her income (and he owes her none of his).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:18 PM
72

I think so, too. Breaks my heart that she starts the video hoping, nearly begging, for anyone to be on her side, which says to me that she's getting used to being beaten down. Without any other context, it sounds like she's dating a petulant child. I'm sure their photos together are super cute, but hopefully she soon gets that raising him isn't her job.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:15 PM
122

Whatever else she says, “My presence is not a gift, it is a loan," is a fantastic line/philosophy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:10 PM
14

I feel this. While I totally get the satire, I'm with you on how some accents/ethnicities are open season. Not good, not ever good, and to me, not making the point they think they are making.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 05:09 PM
2

A lot of people recognize the big arse in the middle, but in case you didn't already know, DC police are offering $ for info leading to his actual arrest. https://mpdc.dc.gov/sites/default/files/dc/sites/mpdc/publication/attachments/POIs%20of%20Interest_1.7.21.pdf
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 04:59 PM
34

ha! I don't know who altered his photo, also, but hoo boy, even on Tinder, if he has his face hidden? Blockity-block.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 04:56 PM
87

I will never forget the first boy who said to me, "I'm just not good enough for you!"* I know he expected me to say, "No! No! You're wonderful!" What I actually said was, "...huh...ya know...you're right." And that was the end of that. ​ *Not the same as "nothing I do is ever good enough," just to be clear. That's a different p-a routine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 04:54 PM
16

I don't think you should ever *not* be hurt, you don't want to be that person either. That strength comes from being stable on the inside, not crusty on the outside. Know who you are, and know that not everyone fits. That's fine! You don't change yourself to fit the clothes, you change the clothes to fit yourself. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 03:39 PM
11

I remind myself that it isn't me, it isn't about me. It almost never is. People who behave like that see others as toys, to be dropped when something else catches their eye. They may cry when someone else picks up that toy, but that's still a toy to them, and that's it. Also I remind myself that love-bombing is a real and documented thing. It's *effective* like a lot of manipulation tactics are, but someone who turns on and off like a switch like that is trouble.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 03:34 PM
95

And when they do, they either feel good for getting under her skin, or write her off as a "psycho." I don't care how erudite and devastating you are (or think you are), it all winds up in the same place — his ego.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 03:30 PM
4

They even call themselves that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 03:24 PM
9

Same. I’m sad that it’s a thing that “impresses” me now. This is elementary shit. Like, literally something I learned when I was a single digit child.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/21 04:22 AM
2

I’m most of the way there too. I’ve been in kinkworld for a long time, being a modern woman and all. Raised by hippies, never given any context for any of it. Took me a long time to step back and think...WTF is going on with too many of these people?? I can still say there are respectable kinksters and all that, but talk about a needle in a haystack. I don’t even want to explore any more after so many years of so much fucked-uppedness. And now all that is oozing out into the mainstream. Even the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/21 04:07 AM
6

I read this same study! Take ‘em to a horror movie. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/21 03:59 AM
3

I am left wondering whether I'm the one who has no idea what the word "dating" means, because I see this SO often. "Looking to meet and see where it goes." How is that not dating? Is that the secret language in there? That it actually means "looking to fuck until I decide what I want"?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 08:24 PM
5

Some of that probably, but also a lot of men have this "children are the property/responsibility of the woman" thing, so them saying "some day" I think often just means "hey, if you want kids, I'll give you some kids, whatever." I've met a LOT of men for whom children hasn't even been a thought because, well, that's for the woman. If she wants kids, he'll have some. If she doesn't, then he won't. (Yes I've also met men who very specifically want children... but they aren't usually 52 and saying …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 06:52 PM
23

They're thinking they're being devastatingly clever and alluring. (Also that their dicks are magic.™) This inauthentic self-deprecating apology is meant to say "even though I'm doing the exact same thing that I know Bad Guys do, hey I'm one of the good ones! See, I acknowledge that I'm being in inappropriate ass! That means I'm NOT being an inappropriate ass! ...bitch..." It's exactly the same as "I'm not racist BUT —" or "don't take this the wrong way —" It's a loud and clear declaration that t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 07:02 PM
18

Constantly. Just had to “explain” to yet another one on OLD, in our first conversation, that not wanting to talk about his dingaling in the first 20 seconds doesn’t mean I don’t have a “healthy libido.” Bro, I love pizza, but I don’t eat it off the Costco floor.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 05:18 PM
9

Meanwhile on r/dating they’re still fucking obsessing about height.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 05:15 PM
21

I had one I referred to to my friends as “the swan strangler” because he was very pale and holy god the abuse he heaped on that poor noodle to cross the finish line. I felt sorry for the poor throttled thing. (And for the people who think size is so important, yep, he could practically tie it in a knot — and nearly did, because he was that far gone.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 05:14 PM
14

Yes to all of that and further, so what if it IS because she’s insecure? His love interest feels bad because he gets sexual gratification from the naked bodies of other women, she feels down about her looks in comparison, and he hand-waves that off? Cant at least try to curb some of the behavior that makes her feel insecure? That’s massive piece of shit territory.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 05:08 PM
21

As a woman over 40 who sometimes braves OLD, this one makes me laugh. I get a lot of young men who come at me with “so u like younger guys?” Just asking that is enough to DQ them for me, so I’ll sometimes poke at them a little bit, like what is it about his age he thinks is so special? Guaranteed, he says something about “going all night” which makes me laugh even more at the thought that he thinks that’s a PLUS.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/20 05:03 PM
16

❤️❤️❤️ It seriously makes my withered old heart glow to see people like this. The ill-intentioned and bad-at-context types will say she’s too full of herself or blahblahwhocares, but she’s GOT IT. It isn’t about “just give me things,” this is fully about having a GOOD life, of her own, and inviting and accepting only those who add to that good life. Doesn’t mean you have to be 3000% all the time... there are lulls and rough patches in any relationship. But she’s telling you up front, be on my le…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/20 08:48 PM
55

I was trying to make conversation with a Bumble guy the other night, and after doing my conversational JOB by asking him a couple questions about his pics, rather than volleying back, he said, QUOTE: "I like your questions, keep them coming." Sure, shall I do a song and dance for you as well? (It got even weirder after that.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/20 10:31 PM
2

This is why I've always said I'm the easiest person in the world to break up with — I'm not going to talk someone into staying with me. (This is not the same thing as working at/for a relationship. I am more than happy to work with my partner.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/20 02:20 PM
65

That’s it. That’s all of it. “Why do you put us through it?” isn’t the real question, because the answer to that is “because you let him.” Don’t be passive in that silliness. The question is “why would you go over the second time?”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/20 08:13 PM
5

Oh total passive-aggressive. Even if it's an "honest" (but stupid) mistake, his reaction to having it pointed out will tell you everything.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/12/20 07:11 PM
7

"Oh, just get me something without nuts or fruit. That's literally the only thing I don't want." *brings me Chunky Monkey* *gets mad when I wordlessly point to BANANA and WALNUT printed on the front of the ice cream*
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/20 05:36 PM
4

I love that moment when you say "No" to someone, with a full stop at the end, and they look at you and they look and they wait and they raise their eyebrows and they look... and you say nothing because "No" is a full sentence. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 01:13 AM
11

Hear hear. Bitter old hags have some of the BEST wisdom to share — we got bitter so you don't have to. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 01:11 AM
6

"He's someone who isn't used to being told no" is, sadly, how I've described more than a couple of men I've known.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 12:17 AM
6

HUGE weight off your back, isn't it??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 12:05 AM
31

Same. That Monday morning "ohmigahd tell me about your WEEKEND! I'm married and boring, let me live vicariously through YOU!" phone call is bullshit. Hilarious how I met so many fucking creeps, and doubly hilarious how my "married and boring" friends never had any decent friends to introduce me to. Jester is right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 12:05 AM
21

On the one hand: Communicate with him! On the other hand: Women talk too much! What it really comes down to: Do what you want, you're going to get shit on either way, so you may as well amuse yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 11:44 PM
8

Hell yes — years of seeing 30-40-50 crusty little music shows a year has put me in that position way too often. The funny thing is, most people clock me as a "keeps to herself, wouldn't look twice if you were on fire" type, but trust, I'm scanning the room and have had to learn how to use a lot of other people's phones to find their friends/families. This isn't back channel gossip shit any more either. We don't get together and talk about how "no one should be alone with John" — we're busting Jo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 06:05 PM
127

That phrase bothered me probably the most about that whole post. Someone's son. Someone's precious baby boy prince. Protect the baby boy! At all costs (including all the someone's daughters — who cares, they aren't worth anything)!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/20 07:24 PM
28

I’ll be honest, it continues to be difficult for me to shed the “I suffered to get where I am, so everyone else should too” mindset. But what are we even HERE for if not to make the world better for everyone in it? In whatever way(s) we do and can?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/20 07:29 PM
19

Well, "proposing" also doesn't mean shit. How many people do you know who are "engaged" with no date? "Engaged" for years without end? This looks like exactly the kind of guy who would fauxpose just to "shut her up."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 03:32 PM
14

I’ve always been very easy to break up with. Not that I won’t “work” for my relationship — I love it, actually: compromise, supporting/uplifting my partner, etc. And I understand that sometimes we go through periods of questioning and being unsure about the relationship. But I am not going to talk anyone into being or staying with me. Especially if you take your unsureness to a stunt vagina.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/20 03:02 PM
2

YES, exactly the same for "nerdy" guys, "unsocial/awkward" guys etc. My long history with the type disproves that lie. I never paired up with men like that *because* of the notion that they'd be "more faithful," these are just the men I like. However, I've seen it said many many times that that's the kind of guy to go for, because he'd be "so happy to have someone." Well, if that's actually true, keep in mind how quickly his head is going to be turned by anyone else who will "have him."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 09:11 PM
1

I...am...SO happy that this FACT is circulating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 09:08 PM
42

This...took me the longest time to sort out. "Well, how can they KNOW what I want if I don't TELL them what I want!" I shouldn't have to tell someone to include me in their life. I shouldn't have to tell someone that the way I make HIM feel isn't the only consideration in the relationship. And I sure as shit shouldn't have to tell them more than once. Like you said, we're not talking about the little things that may (or may not!) be peculiar to us. We're not talking about letting someone know so…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/11/20 08:43 PM
13

I’ve asked men this a couple of times. It’s like you could see the reboot pinwheel in their eyes. Cognitive dissonance is a helluva drug.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 01:17 AM
13

I don’t watch the show, but I’ve seen a bunch of clips from “90 Day Fiancée,” especially the Big Ed episodes. I stood and cheered in my own living room when Ed pulled the “oh so I guess I’m just a BAD PERSON” maneuver on Rose (to whom he’d lied about major life issues) and sweet blessed Rose, straight-faced and calm, said, “Yes. You are.” And left him right there. (Then evidently went on to make a YouTube channel and instantly get a billion subs, I don’t know.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/20 05:17 AM
20

I hate it so much when anyone of any gender tells anyone else “you need to get laid.” SO much. I can’t even express it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/20 05:14 AM
44

For real, you could be in the middle of a literal fist fight, and if she springs a leak, you still hand over the goods. haha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:06 PM
27

Yeah, like, I don't believe any "life stories" like this, but that baby still looks so happy! And I mean the baby-baby, not the young man who looks like he's 9.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/20 03:31 PM
5

Yep, and conversely, if anyone ever tells you you're "too good for" him, agree with him and run.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 06:16 PM
12

Yeah, I’ve got two perfectly good shoulders right up here if you M-U-S-T physically get my attention to get me out of the way. I go to a lot of crowded concerts and yes, sometimes you do need to move someone out of your way. But I can 100% tell you that if/when I touch someone’s waist? It’s at least as much for my own benefit as to get them out of the way. (Yes, I’ve done it, to men I wanted to touch, when I was a young beast. I learned better — so can they.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/11/20 06:49 PM
59

Two things: What would you tell a friend if her supposed boyfriend treated her the way yours treats you? And B: If you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your platonic friends, why on god's green flat earth would you tolerate it from someone who may have your future in his hands?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 11:56 PM
13

Channel that mad-at-myself energy into working toward your Final Form. ;) But don't stay angry (at yourself). I have friends who have OF accounts. I am verrrrryyyy supportive of my friends, and I don't subscribe to them either. Not even a nice try, bro.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 11:51 PM
22

It's okay to be sad — you're mourning the loss of what you thought was potential. And then you celebrate the loss of the dead weight. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 06:09 PM
3

Look at you, awesome kid in spite of all the struggles you went through! Well done! No joke, that's a big deal. Especially when you have to suck it up knowing daddy-o is doing just fine while you continue to bust ass. (Another reason I'm happy to be childfree is that once we were divorced, I had the luxury of zeroooooooo contact with my ex.) Lots and lots of people who don't look great on paper do just fine. Sounds like you've got your priorities in order, so keep on looking ahead!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 05:48 PM
6

SUPERB! I believe there's a lovely little loophole in the law (where I live anyway) where real estate in a woman's name is NOT community property, so even in the case of divorce, he has no rights to it. (Source: I bought my house when separated but not yet divorced, and had this conversation with my lawyer. Because my then-husband was losing his fool mind at the time, I was legitimately concerned he might come after any property I owned while technically married, even though I ceded our marital …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 03:59 PM
6

Did you recently divorce? Or maybe are considering it? Because let me tell you, I remember that feeling intensely, and it was 15 years ago that I got divorced. Not exactly the same because I was in the workforce the entire time, but all I'm trying to say is it's totally expected to feel that way when your entire life and way of living gets pulled out from under you. That does not mean it's TRUE. Agile and clever will do a lot for you! And I seriously doubt you're a wimp — you just have more pers…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 03:54 PM
13

This sucks so hard. Brava to you for bouncing back from that. When I got divorced, we were both working professionals with no kids. As far as I was concerned, we could split the little debt we had in half and just walk away with our own assets, in spite of what I was "entitled" to under the law. And then I discovered — as we tend to do — that he was supporting this out of state loser with our community funds. Worse, she tried getting in his ear about what I owed HIM, and he tried to start parsin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 03:47 PM
11

Or how many women of all sorts of varieties published under male names in order to get published at all. Or even anonymously, which was STILL preferable to the establishment than publishing a woman. (See: Mary Shelley)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 03:36 PM
1

A lot of people confuse martyrdom for heroism.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 08:21 PM
3

I agree with this. It seems like the two poles on this are “all relationships are battles” and “if he’s your soul mate, you’ll never fight!” Neither of which is healthy, of course, but one certainly is more attainable. And “fighting” is attention, which seems to be good enough for a lot of people. Like they say, everyone would rather be praised than punished, but they’d rather be punished than ignored. And being praise-worthy is harder.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 02:29 PM
11

I don’t even know what to say about someone who would say your kindness makes her feel bad... except run. It’s like when a dude says “you’re too good for me —“ run I hope you don’t think no one deserves kindness, but I totally feel you on the slow motion brutality of the imbalance. ETA: your instructor guy reminded me of when I worked at a major engineering firm and in the midst of a work conversation I said “that’s a lovely tie.” Said it as normal as could be — it was a lovely tie! He reflexive…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 11:25 PM
2

Hahaha that too!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 10:33 PM
5

Yep, in general I agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 09:24 PM
29

This is such a struggle. I want to give (or more likely make) those little for-no-reason gifts, send surprises in the mail, but when I'm doing it for someone who just doesn't...feel it, I have to stop, which robs me of that pleasure. It's not like I'm punishing them, it just doesn't make sense for anyone, and as I've said 100 times, mirroring doesn't work. I transitioned from doing this for men I was with to doing it for my women friends, and surprise, they weren't into it either. Not to say the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 08:56 PM
6

At least she can write it off on her taxes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:56 PM
7

I see shit like this on "Hoarders." "We've been in a serious relationship for 15 years, but I've never been inside his house. Even when I drive the 2 hours to pick him up, I have to pee at the gas station down the street." !!!!!!!!!!???????
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:52 PM
8

PROTECTIVE! OMG YES! It's exhausting to me that we get "shamed" for keeping boundaries that were established to save our lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:50 PM
5

Yeah, I don't care if his Rolls is in the shop and he has extensive paperwork and live video to prove it, I'm still not picking some new dude up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:49 PM
27

Yep, say it again, say it forever. It isn't "victim blaming," it's basic common sense, and we need to be able to say so without being attacked. She is never responsible for what HE does, but we still need to not ignore the all-singing all-dancing red flags that are raining down on us. Aside from it being WILDLY dangerous to do that shit, it's also drowning your standards below sea level. "I drove us" NO "We got dinner at a drive through" NO "I paid because he 'forgot his wallet'" NO "We went to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/20 03:47 PM
9

Same — and sadly, mostly from friends, not even lovers. It's the moment when you have to put your foot down that you see exactly how much "compromise" is actually going on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/20 02:14 PM
49

I was watching “Divorce Court” yesterday (I watch trash when I do the dishes) and the male half was complaining that his wife was a "drill sergeant" and expected too much from him around the house. The "judge" told her she needed to back off and relax — "This man works all day, 12 hour days, he should be able to come home and relax." (He was a car salesman, btw. A perfectly noble profession, but he isn't exactly tarring roofs for 12 hours.) Then the man himself admitted that they both have "six-…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/20 02:10 PM
1

This “controversy” is endlessly fascinating. I wonder if the people who say “it’s just a word / it’s accurate” etc would say the same thing to... I was going to try to use an ethnic slur in this example and can’t even bring myself to do it. Point is, it’s members of the group in question who decide whether something is offensive, and everyone naturally knows this. But in this case, it’s somehow still an argument. (Fully aware that it isn’t actually a slur, no matter how hard some people try. It’…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/20 01:52 PM
7

Yeah, not one woman in the history of women has ever said that to a man.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 10:40 PM
8

I think I realized we were all in trouble when I had one-nighters with a couple 20-somethings in a row who stopped in the middle of the act to ask where I “want it,” as if performing on camera. Completely disconnected from what was actually physically happening in the moment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 06:07 PM
5

Right, aka the most normal thing in the world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 06:04 PM
3

This is a great point you bring up, thank you. We should be aware of how this all fits into our overall health.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 06:03 PM
2

It’s true for the majority of women I know. Some of them went from “single and looking” to “single and fuck it.” The only women I know currently with men have been in LTRs of at least 4 years. The rest of us are just...moving on. I was talking to my 70-something mother about this recently. She hasn’t dated since her 40s, like at all. We were talking about gender and sexuality, and I said “if nothing else, it’s clear that sexuality isn’t exactly a choice, because there wouldn’t BE any straight wo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 06:01 PM
3

I think this is the only sub I have ever EVER had a productive disagreement on. (I largely credit the mods for that, btw. They keep a choke on people being asshats.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/20 03:03 PM
1

Same, honestly. I got kicked off a couple of the FB groups for what I still consider absurd reasons (like being supportive of police and suggesting that hating white peoples is racist).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:50 PM
4

I’m definitely looking it up. 👍
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:20 AM
14

I’ve been in MFM ... fandom I guess, for a few years. Most people I know who were really into the show kinda faded off of it, so that makes sense. It’s a tricky line to walk, the one they chose — “comedy” podcast about...murder? It is interesting to hear them talk, off-podcast, about cases they absolutely won’t do, though. And their passion about holding perpetrators responsible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:19 AM
28

I hadn't exactly thought of it this way, but you're right — I love it. "YOU are a visual creature? Have you SEEN my living room??" "YOU are a visual creature? Let me see what the back seat of your car looks like RIGHT NOW."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/10/20 06:30 PM
31

I was just reading about that. There really is no bottom sometimes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/10/20 06:28 PM
30

Well, there is market for it...from other men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 11:48 PM
5

Seriously. Before we got married, every time — and I mean every time — my now-ex was obviously going to be spending the night at my house, he asked permission. Respect is no accident!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 02:10 PM
2

I hope you never do lock down. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:42 PM
10

I mean...we really know why though, don’t we? Better to string a 50% along until you find that 90% or whatever. Gods forbid anyone just be honest and single for ten minutes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:37 PM
21

I love that you acknowledge it’s still painful. A lot of us putting up that “strong front” want to make it seem like nothing gets in. It DOES — then we process it, we learn, we move forward. The pain still happens...but after that good cry, we get up stronger, but still not invulnerable. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:32 PM
3

“But hey, you can’t complain because I bring home a paycheck because money is the only thing that matters — but don’t YOU ever say that!”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 11:11 PM
4

Okay, cat lady. hahahaha Like THAT is also a bad thing! 😉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 11:10 PM
3

There are people who think “teasing” and insulting “banter” are fun, and people who do not. Those people should never date across lines.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 02:30 PM
3

Welcome to the...sigh club. 😉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 02:29 PM
16

Me too. “He’s physically actually repelling me, but he’s such a NICE GUY...” FF a few months, and he’s telling everyone I assaulted him (because he hates life and needs to blame it on SOMEone).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/20 10:39 PM
1

Well...their girlfriends do. And I get that as an entertainment medium, but...so many better things to hone one's verbal skills on. There are whole FB groups devoted to these sorts of screen caps, and the one-upmanship of who can be funnier or meaner. Believe me, I've been kicked off a few of them. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/20 02:20 PM
3

“She totally knows. We’re...ethically non-monogamous. Try expanding your mind.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/20 02:07 PM
3

But I’m special! I treat him better! I won the contest!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/20 08:37 PM
2

Good story, but if it’s true, I’ll eat both necklaces.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/20 08:35 PM
5

I once had a talk therapist I was seeing after a breakup (for other reasons). I told him about the dude who after 6 months decided he "didn't want a relationship" and how I hadn't talked to the guy since. I told the therapist I was about to go ahead and delete said dude from my phone, and the therapist said, "I'm not sure that's a good idea." To be honest, I don't even remember what he said after that, because I...stopped listening. Why would anyone suggest I keep the number of someone who had d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 07:26 PM
13

For real! Not only do they not deserve it, YOU deserve to fill that finite space with better things.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 02:55 PM
31

“Hate isn’t the opposite of love — indifference is.” Not sure if that’s a significant quote from anywhere, but we all deeply feel that truth.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 02:41 PM
8

I've seen this, too. Shit, I've been IN this. The most natural thing is to think something like "oh I'm like the wounded animal in this herd, he picked me out for his shitty behavior because there's something weak about me." But that isn't necessarily true. Sometimes it's exactly the opposite — you've seen how people get when someone doesn't take his shit. Sometimes they back off, but often, they double down. A radio psych I used to listen to a long time ago used the term "stupid and cheerful," …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 02:32 PM
10

Don't be ashamed, none of it was your fault. Never be ashamed that you were committed to your marriage and thought you were doing the right thing for your family. We don't know what we don't know, and that's why we are all here in this sub, telling (and reading) these stories — YOUR story just woke someone up, I guarantee it. It's horrid what you went through, but you telling the whole truth is part of inoculating all of us. And your baby got a mama that's just that much stronger. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/20 02:25 PM
2

Also bears mentioning that that kind of mirroring doesn't work. We all do it, and it doesn't work — we do things for someone else that we want them to do for us, and then are doubly frustrated when they don't "take the hint" or follow our lead.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/20 01:53 PM
37

Totally, advocate! It’s a beautiful move on his part to ally that way, but we aren’t just waiting for men to pull this trigger for us.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 03:10 PM
7

I’m a straight up atheist, so for me getting married had zilch to do with religion or even patriarchy, and everything to do with those legal protections. I don’t see a difference between “civil union” and “marriage,” if they afford the same legal protections — strikes me as wordplay to protect the religious who feel marriage is “sacred.” I don’t go along with default marriages — what do they call them, “domestic partnership”? You know, the one where if you’ve lived with someone long enough, you …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 04:12 PM
101

It’s like any other kind of consent: anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 04:07 PM
13

Yes! This is why I love seeing people share these stories. Good, thoughtful people exist. Sometimes they hide so they don’t get shit, sometimes they are just happily ensconced in a well-working relationship and we don’t see them. Recognizing and normalizing GOOD behavior is super important! It becomes such an ugly habit to only bitch about our SOs/friends/relationships, while never sharing the good stories. It helps to keep us in those bad cycles, and keeps us from even knowing that GOOD treatme…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 03:55 PM
5

My advice is: be entitled. Say what you want. See how that goes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 03:42 AM
3

Un...REAL. The details! No stress but could you please text me lovely things every day? Don’t expect anything from me because it’s just fun, as you know, but pleasepleasePLEASE love me up all the time. Wait, are you thinking about what you could possibly be getting out of this? Stop thinking! JUST FFUUUUNNNNN!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 03:40 AM
1

High and tight! TBH the shorter my hair has been, the happier I’ve been with it. (I can just hear the male lurkers now.) When I had my long Mohawk (apologies, I don’t know how else to describe it succinctly) I could do the sides myself and I was SO happy with that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 03:17 AM
1

I have a feeling “my asshole brother” is how you refer to him 99% of the time, am I right? 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 03:15 AM
9

Haha right — how do I find a boyfriend who can do a smoky cat eye?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 10:13 PM
2

Lifestyle matters. Priorities matter. And if ours don’t match, I don’t care how cute you are, WE are not a match.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 03:20 PM
5

Okay, I hear you on that. I understand the dissonance of (ostensibly) a man delivering the message to women. Clean your own house. I get it as a societal message, but I better understand what you're reacting to. Totally agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 06:41 PM
12

“Stop having sex with” = stop choosing as sex partners. What am I missing? Unless he’s lying or it’s not consensual, it’s still our choice to have sex with broke(n) dudes. This is different from being handed the responsibility to FIX these men. But having sex with them is still absolutely our choice and our responsibility to pick better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 04:48 PM
8

How is the onus for choosing our sex partners NOT on us?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 04:32 PM
13

That’s the thing that’s going on everywhere. Not enough to disagree with someone, you have to frame it as a moral failing — thus all the -isms and -ists. Silencing tactic BS.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 04:31 PM
8

Him: What kind of guy are you looking for? Me: One that I like. Him: Well, what do you like? Me: ...we’ll see.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 07:59 PM
20

That's the thing with me. Before I could express what's problematic about using the term female that way, I knew it gave me the willies just because of the type of men who habitually use it. A word doesn't have to be a "bad" word or even an inappropriate word to be a clue.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 06:28 PM
18

SO ethical and SO evolved, he had to keep it a secret until he thought he had you on the line.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 06:21 PM
40

I think some people specifically get off on being told to fuck off, to be honest. Trolls wouldn't exist if that weren't true. They get excited by the notion that they got under your skin, and the madder you get, the gigglier they get about it. Being polite and calm not only drives some people NUTS, it also is the only way some people will actually hear you, or maybe just in aggregate. I just said in a reply above, for ME, the most important thing is that I reply in a way that's natural to me. I'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 06:19 PM
22

Eh, different people have different styles. We love your "get fucked you fucking fuck" style, and we love those with "good luck, not doing that, bye" style. If he doesn't care, it doesn't matter — except to ourselves and staying true to that. Getting to the same point — "goodbye forever" — is the most important bit. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 06:16 PM
23

Shhhhh shh shh no no, pet, he's evolved and liberated. /s
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 06:12 PM
1

I’ve noticed this, too, and you’re absolutely right that it’s no coincidence. I think it’s also why you see gay panic in men — the worst thing they can be accused of is behaving as a woman, which is how they see gay men. It’s distressing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:31 PM
12

Yeah I took 2 months to recover from carpal tunnel surgery. A couple months from childbirth (to say nothing of the nearly year of gestation and all that havoc) to enthusiastic sex partner? GTFO
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:30 PM
8

Yeah and because we are being told a lot about how being the “side piece” is glamorous because you can hop from man to man and don’t owe HIM anything. That’s like thinking a job is glamorous because you get to be on call 24/7 but only have to get paid for 4.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:25 PM
2

Whoa, read that line too quickly and saw “...taste of his own cum” and thought... that ain’t HIS!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:23 PM
26

But but but he waited MONTHS!!! Which I’m guessing was 2, but MONTHS!!!!! After an entire person came outta there!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:22 PM
20

Such a bullshit move. It’s down there with “if you loved me, you’d let me stick it in your butt.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:21 PM
8

Great example of why relationships aren’t just sex and monogamy isn’t about owning someone else’s sexuality. Love may be infinite, but time is finite. “Sharing” your partner doesn’t just mean sharing their genitals (no thanks), it means dividing their time, their attention, their priorities, their energy, their commitment...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/20 03:14 PM
2

Oh I don’t think it’s an insult — it’s a red flag. This is another of those contextual situations. It’s not a slur, it’s an adjective, and not human specific. More often than not, the type of man who does this, even in what he believes to be a positive comment, isn’t someone who respects women. People who refer to women as dehumanized adjectives should most likely be avoided.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/09/20 02:46 AM
29

The thing that's interesting to me about "females" is the same thing that's interesting about catcall "conversations." It doesn't matter how many women tell men in these convos that we don't like it, they will continue to insist that we should. Show me any other conversation where this isn't so absurd as to be completely dismissed. I don't like guacamole. Yes you do. No, I actually don't. I've had plenty of guacamole and I've hated it every time. Guacamole is good, it's made to be good, I enjoy …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/09/20 07:02 PM
6

Clap fucking clap. The only thing I have to add is that I've come to my choices/philosophies on these topics by experience, not because I read "the right books." This isn't theoretical — it isn't even political — this is my life, and I'm responsible for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/09/20 06:58 PM
3

This is so good!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/09/20 03:04 PM
94

Yep I always think “avoid anyone who refers to grown women as girls.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/09/20 02:48 PM
8

Too right. TOO right. I tried to sincerely use some of those subs and not only got directly insulted, when I — again, sincerely — asked one of them why he’d say such things to a stranger, obviously he kept going (didn’t think it was going to help, just making a point to the observers that I’m a HUMAN). Eventually someone else said “oh he’s like that all the time. Don’t let it bother you.” First of all, didn’t bother me. If anything, it perplexed me. But more importantly, why was there an entire …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 10:17 PM
6

So true. It’s difficult but VITAL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 05:44 PM
13

There’s a word, I think from the German, something about people you lean on for support, while not having a sexual relationship... if I could just remember it, let me look it up. Oh here it is. FRIEND Jesus. That’s one of the worst things about the current state of sexuality with younger people. The “freedom” to fuck whomever you want has become the obligation to fuck anyone who wants to fuck you. And if you like/have a conversation with someone, well then you must fuck. The concept of friendshi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 05:41 PM
10

That they recognize they are chasing NRE is another red flag — love junkies are NOT heathy in relationships.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 05:29 PM
26

Yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time in/around kink communities and I’ve had the same experience. My extreme aversion to “poly” doesn’t come out of nowhere. Any time the topic comes up, after 4749855883 horror stories, there’s always the posts “Oh but OURS/HE/SHE/THIS TIME is special/different!” which is literally the pickme credo.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 05:15 PM
3

Hope is harder to let go of than the actual relationship sometimes. We’ve all fallen in love with potential that didn’t pay out. But now your eyes are clearer and you can switch that hope toward fulfilling your own potential, not servicing anyone else’s. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 02:30 PM
4

I can’t imagine doing it any other way. But then I’m not one who wants to live far beyond my means. If I can afford this car, I get this car. If I need someone else’s money to afford this car, I don’t get this car.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 02:21 PM
1

That’s what we did. We adjusted depending on who was making more, and there was always a little leftover in the joint bills account, which we’d use for a yearly vacation. I recognize this is one of those things that’s easier when you “have enough money,” but when money is tight, you should be even more careful about who is doing what with what little resource you have. I never considered it a matter of trust, I don’t think that’s it at all. (You didn’t say that but I have heard it.) The opposite…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 02:20 PM
115

I’m a huge fan of Yours/Mine/Ours bank accounts. Surveys have shown the #1 thing that first-marrieds fight about is money. When I was married, we never fought about money, and I never felt like I had to get “permission” to buy something if I could afford it. The marriage failed for completely unrelated reasons. 😂😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/20 01:33 AM
14

Don't we all just wish we had HER username??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 04:28 PM
59

Or he'll date her and then dump her/cheat the second he gets attention from someone he thinks is "better."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 04:27 PM
15

This is what did me in when my marriage ended. It wasn't the failure of the marriage, or the failure of the relationship, or even the major lifestyle change, it was feeling that I knew what was coming and didn't trust myself. But a good friend gave me a needed uplift when she said, "Don't be mad at yourself for fully investing in your marriage. That was the right thing to do." It was, but... fucked me up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/20 03:48 AM
274

Boom. Exactly. Now if a friend calls me at 3am and says “come get me, I’ve had enough of this useless piece of shit” then I’m on my way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 09:51 PM
17

Just wanna throw some cold water in here and remind that there’s a long list of serial perpetrators who use a female partner to lower the defenses of targeted women. Rare, definitely rare, but the presence of a woman or even children isn’t entirely protective.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/20 02:10 PM
19

Yeah, they SAY they’re looking for independent women... 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/09/20 10:20 PM
75

Playing stupid can be so much fun — when you’re smart about it. Watching them gradually lose their shit as you intentionally misinterpret every word they say is a real hoot.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 09:25 PM
37

I’ve always hated that term in that context, “play.” While sex IS fun, this isn’t a game. (And yeah, very past tense. ☺️)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 07:15 PM
13

Loving some people to “hang out with” is called having FRIENDS, which is yet another casualty of this nonsense. What people are internalizing is that if you like someone, that means you must fuck them. FRIENDS, you fuckheads. The sickness goes very deep, and this is why I am disappointed when I find out when friends of mine are poly/open/swingers — I thought I was safe from predation in the friendship, but nope.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 06:33 PM
103

I never talk about it, but I had a sadistic FWB who wanted to choke me out. We “played” around with it a few times, until I realized one morning that I had little speckles around my hairline. Those little speckles were petechial hemorrhaging, one of the things forensic examiners look for on murder victims. The reality finally hit me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 06:23 PM
63

Poly hype is a joke. No, it is not a “valid orientation like any other,” it’s a behavior. And even if it were that doesn’t mean you go around insisting other people do it, too. The superiority of so many so-called poly people I’ve known is laughable. One swinger I knew (and to be clear, he was a swinger, not poly) told me I was “less evolved” because I didn’t want to/actually fuck every dude I saw. He could not, however, explain how acting like a dog was MORE evolved. It’s more pornsickness and …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 05:19 PM
28

Hear hear.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 05:10 PM
141

They will always share them. Always.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 05:08 PM
26

In school though?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 01:37 AM
13

"Thanks for the reminder, byeeeee!" hahaha
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 02:31 PM
2

When your habits are so pathological there's actually a clinical term for it (hybristophilia), you might need to take a step back and reconsider.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 02:30 PM
9

Yeah, it isn't the insult it used to be, right? Like you said, you get all the neediness, dependency, and mess, and what do we get out of it? Well, I've never been gaslighted by a cat, my rescue has the same personality she did from the beginning — no bait and switch — and she she pours love on me when I walk in the door. (Plus it's slightly more socially acceptable to lock her in the bathroom if I need her out of my way.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 02:27 PM
6

For me it was more about the “what someone does [professionally, socially, behaviorally...] doesn’t matter, it’s who he IS that matters!” philosophy that gets drilled into our heads. Well what someone does IS who he is. I mean, how else do you gage someone’s character? His haircut? (Wait, no, we aren’t to “judge” someone on his looks either.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 02:46 PM
16

Same. I “dated down” for so long, I didn’t know there was any other way. Still don’t. 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 01:54 PM
13

Cultural relativism, that’s why. “All cultures are equally valid and it’s racist/imperialist to say otherwise.” Bull. Shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 12:43 AM
11

Fucking gross. Scambaiter extraordinaire Kitboga has a young woman character he plays with scammers on the phone (knowing they will think female = vulnerable). Kit is one of the most wholesome dudes you’ll ever watch, and it makes no difference what he says, 80% of the POSes he talks to will start asking “her” personal questions and rooting through “her” computer looking for pics. They even try to open her camera. It’s so fucking gross. (Edit: He used to keep a folder on his virtual machine call…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 09:54 PM
6

It’s the first thing they teach you as a lifeguard too: you have to save yourself first. Can’t save anyone else if you’re drowned. It’s another “controversial opinion” of mine, which I’ve gone round and round with family members about. “Children should be absolute first priority.” Well, no, not exactly. Children need their parents to be healthy and alive. Obviously, we aren’t talking about getting your nails done while your children starve, but we are talking about maintaining your health before…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/09/20 03:18 PM
8

I don’t particularly “believe” in hypnosis (not bringing it up for discussion, it’s just relevant) but I was once at a demo for group hypnosis or maybe just guided meditation. She took us into our childhood bedrooms to speak to our single digit selves. And I immediately burst into tears. “Hm,” I thought, “guess I DO have more work to do.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/08/20 07:42 PM
15

And gods help you if you ever see it without a pillowcase...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/08/20 05:24 PM
33

For me, this is a beautiful and needed reminder that classy men exist, and that there are more HV people out there than we may think because they go about it quietly. What an inspiration, not just because he kept his struggles out of the public,* but because of what he DID share with the public. *To be clear, I don’t think people should feel the need to deny health issues or pretend something isn’t happening. I really don’t think that’s the point of these stories. I’m celebrating people being se…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 07:44 PM
28

Oh man, I never thought about this. Every man I know pisses twice as often as I do in the same period. They always “joke” that they have small bladders, but is this really it? Poor training combined with poor impulse control?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 04:33 PM
6

It’s gotta go both ways. That’s the thing. Appreciation is nice, but you gotta put your money where your mouth is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 05:40 AM
3

Absolutely. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 05:37 AM
5

But there's still a difference between controlling someone with finances and sharing what I have more than enough of to improve your life. The "sugar baby" thing, for instance, isn't exactly a shining example of HVM and "high maintenance women."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 04:24 AM
24

This is definitely a people thing — who doesn't love taking care of the people they adore, in whatever form that takes? Well... Dead on that the people who speak down on it feel like they don't have anything of value, and worse, don't WANT to. Instead of feeling the warmth of sharing what you have with the people you love (you and I both know that doesn't always mean $$$), they resent sharing anything with anyone. The "life is a zero sum game" people who feel that anything they give means someth…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 04:16 AM
24

This has made me so gunshy. Twice in a row I got the dreaded “I’m not in a relationship place” from men I thought had real potential. Shows what I know. EXCEPT that I’m trying to internalize exactly this — if simply asking if our relationship is on the right track ends it? It should end. Fun is fun, but I’m not going to just hang in there until he invariably finds someone else he suddenly DOES want a relationship with, leaving me doubly hurt and humiliated. (One of them was in what he called a “…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 02:12 PM
3

I’ve had this same experience. People always think we’re JUST talking about people being gross pervs, but this is also true. I’ve done the same thing, in otherwise anonymous forums, and an F gets abuse heaped for no reason while an M, with exactly the same writing style and opinions, gets engaged more reasonably. I am by no means sensitive, and I’ve been online since the 80s, and this is absolutely unquestionably true, even STILL. This is the sort of thing I think most men would find surprising.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:31 PM
18

They don’t want to know what they already know. They know. They don’t want to believe they are One Of THEM, and maybe they aren’t, but they’d still learn something, guaranteed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 02:42 AM
71

I tell every man I know to spend a week — hell a DAY — online as a woman. Anywhere, just normal places, doing normal things. Those who have even accidentally done so we’re aghast. Most wont do it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 09:31 PM
3

The original story was already nuts — this one week access thing makes it a little worse!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 05:42 PM
32

Life is not a zero sum game. A rising tide lifts all boats. Two aphorisms that I am very fond of, and wholeheartedly believe. Making someone’s life worse doesn’t improve my lot, but uplifting someone just may.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 05:41 PM
3

Thanks. I never knew what the tangible reward was. (Clearly I’ve never been gilded. 😉 And I’m okay with that!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 05:39 PM
8

Can someone quickly explain to me what reddit gold even is, aside from a way to say “good job”? I’d look it up, but I despair ever reading anywhere other than this sub.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 05:10 PM
5

Absolutely agreed. I find it a red flag in and of itself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/20 03:49 AM
20

Same, and I also don’t regret it. I am a live show only. We already know what this type of men think of porn models/actresses, you really want them to think of you the same way? And if this is what you think you need to do to “keep him interested,” you don’t want that interest and it isn’t going to keep him either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/20 10:27 PM
14

Better to learn late than not at all. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/20 10:22 PM
3

Let me tell you something, when you learn how to woo yourself, your standards will — appropriately! — rise.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/20 03:33 PM
68

I love this meme so much. I've said this here before, but for me, FDS applies as much to non-romantic relationships as anything — actually, even moreso. I've had this friend. I've had this friend many times. I've had the "all I ever want to do is bitch to you about my life, regardless of how many clear ways out are available to me" friend. I've had the "tell me stories so I can 'live vicariously through you'" friend. And I STILL have the "you're so smart/talented/whatever flattery, can you help …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/20 09:56 PM
146

If I’d known books made boobs smaller, I could have saved a lot on that surgery...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 02:27 PM
38

Warms the cockles of my dead black heart. 🖤
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 08:04 PM
12

He doesn’t want to do your things. When I was married, we did a ton together — we traveled, went to parties, concerts, loads of sports... as long as they were interests he already had. Lots of concerts together and then if it was an artist he wasn’t interested in, I went alone. This went on for years. Because we were happily busy and were getting along great, I barely even noticed — when I’m interested in you, I’m interested in what you enjoy, and if you invite me to a thing, 90+% chance I go. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/20 01:54 AM
63

It's not bad to miss someone. What we're talking about here is someone using sentimentality as a tool to manipulate you. Knowing someone is thinking about you when you're not there feels good, and there are people who knowingly use this as a way to make you feel warmly about them while they offer nothing new or valuable. So this post is very contextual, like a lot of the posts here are. Someone who did not treat you well, who didn't deserve your attention at THAT time, reappears with sweet (trig…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 10:47 PM
7

Engaged to be engaged? (And then, of course, to be engaged indefinitely.) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/20 06:17 PM
24

Was going to say the same thing — you can spot this one from a goddamned helicopter.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 10:19 PM
11

This is heartbreaking, but I'm glad to hear you're in a better place now. Please remember your tremendous value is not linked even to your husband/marriage, while still celebrating your fantastic connection. I haven't had the violent experiences you have, but I have a long enough history to say you don't even have to have gone through any of that to be damaged by cheap sex. It makes me sad in particular for our younger women as we get distilled further and further down, only to what we can provi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 10:17 PM
7

I learned a while ago that I'm a natural Stoic. I learned much more recently that it's protected me from a lot of bullshit before I ever even caught a whiff of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 10:00 PM
4

This is a loving and generous mindset. A lot of us get trapped into the competitive mindset of "I did all this work to make him better, how DARE he be a decent person to another woman!" when this is closer to what we should really be hoping.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 09:35 PM
4

Around here we call her Miss Michigan 🖐
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/20 03:42 AM
5

It’s funny how clearly we know this about ourselves but are willing to not believe it in others. You know how, when, and why you invest time and interest. Expect and believe that from the other people in your life. Don’t make excuses for people that THEY aren’t even making for themselves, and that you know wouldn’t be true for you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 03:10 PM
6

I don’t much trust anything people do with their phones. Phones are where the porn lives, and to a looooot of people, that makes anything “in” a phone porn. And you don’t have a face. You’re interchangeable with any number of other faceless phone ghosts and semi-people who exist only in their heads.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/20 03:08 PM
8

How horrifyingly self aware.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/20 07:58 PM
5

looooool Even THEY are sick of this shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 08:36 PM
29

Totally. Everyone should look out for herself first. That does not mean steamrollering over other people, but YOU should always be Priority One.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/08/20 07:19 PM
11

Spot on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/07/20 04:00 PM
16

Damn. I never thought about that. When women hate men, they want to be away from them. When men hate women, they want to destroy them. That’s a goddamned arrow to the heart.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/07/20 03:56 PM
1

Hey you learned the same thing we all (hopefully) eventually do — and when you’re invested in a relationship, you find ways to excuse things. Plus we keep getting told it’s “no big deal,” but this is iceberg shit. Porn sickness goes way beyond “consumes too much porn.” People like that don’t even consider women to be human beings. No way a healthy relationship can follow. Bit hallelujah, we see the light! ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/07/20 05:19 PM
3

It's absolutely true that people steal photos to catfish. The rest of the context matters — they aren't going to steal your photos and then also use your name, your home town, and your alma mater...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:20 PM
6

My attitude used to be "stay out of it" unless they were a close friend etc. But like you said, wouldn't you want to know? The hard part is not getting over-involved in it. You know a lot of the women are going to deny it, accuse you of this and that... So for me, the plan is throw it like a grenade and then just stay out of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:18 PM
1

Shit, that sucks. But I'm so glad you had the ability to tap into all the experience shared here and GTFO before things got worse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:13 PM
1

Closure comes from you, not him. You're the one with that power.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:09 PM
2

Zombies and fakes. I've found a lot of apps do that. I'm banned from Hinge because I called them out for all these unique and wondrous "matches" that never responded.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 03:04 PM
3

"Officer, these aren't even my pants!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 02:58 PM
5

He claimed he downloaded it cos he was bored and using it ‘as a game, like hot or not’ This is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. Not coming for you, you already dealt with it, but this isn't acceptable either. Assuming it was even true, this is USING those women (who we should assume are there to meet men available and interested in dating) as a game, or more likely, a jerkoff aid. This is pornsickness. All women are porn. "I wasn't going to MEET anyone, I just wanna LOOK at them!" Wo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 02:56 PM
2

I refer to my "Sixth Sense Moment" when I realized my (ex) husband was dead the whole time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/07/20 02:45 PM
26

Let's say you see that profile, or someone sends it, and the story you get is "I'd never actually meet anyone / it's just an old profile / it's for a laugh" and you WANT to believe that, what you're accepting is that "your man" is USING women online. He's using them for emotional validation, for sexual recreation, for who knows what other sadistic purposes. Is THAT okay? There's no acceptable reason for someone you think you are in a relationship with to be browsing women. If you aren't pissed o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/07/20 08:31 PM
15

I am sorry you went through this, and for the painful eye opening. But at least now you can see.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/07/20 08:25 PM
10

Absolutely! In my 20s, I was further along in my career than my friends. While dating one under-employed charmer, he was dreamily talking about going to some mid-price restaurant, so I took him, on my dime. He was appreciative, but it just struck me that having to pay his way any time I wanted to do something was a lifestyle issue. It’s so much more than “money” — it’s every aspect of your life. So thankfully I learned this early. I told someone right about that time “that’s it, I’m not dating p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/20 07:46 PM
109

And never ever EVER have sex you don’t enthusiastically want, and for ANY other reason than you enthusiastically want to. It won’t “keep” him, it won’t guarantee another date, it won’t keep him from other women. It won’t kickstart a relationship — that’s backwards.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/20 07:32 PM
7

I read it immediately as the former — this is a criticism of the ostensibly grown men who have that “now that I have a daughter, I can see how girls should be respected” epiphany once they have one of their own.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/20 05:36 PM
6

Oh! My mistake, that was an assumption on my part. I just read her wiki. Everything else stands. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 04:34 PM
7

Whoa, 25?! It’s hard to even have your law degree by that age let alone rocketing to the bench! Thrilled to hear she’s spreading the motivation too! ROLE. MODEL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/20 04:15 PM
12

Literally my reaction.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 06:04 PM
2

Aside from how dangerous it is, it’s probably a red flag for exactly that reason. I do believe there is a chasm between legit fetishes and things people do because they have escalated their behavior to such extremes they’ve burned themselves out. How are you going to have a healthy, loving relationship with THAT?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/20 04:31 PM
23

Anyone with ANY kink experience also knows that this is not entry level shit. People die, literally DIE, in the wake of this “choke me daddy” bullshit. “Kink shaming” my ass — try “education shaming.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 09:25 PM
12

Wow that’s amazing! I’m excited FOR you! Keep that positive momentum going!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 05:31 PM
8

Setting aside for a moment him posting it self-congratulatorily (shhhhh spell check), according to him, she’s the one who brings it up. So for those of us who find this exchange troubling, what do you suppose he should do?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 05:07 PM
6

They’d enjoy it. That’s the basic problem: “I enjoy it, therefore YOU enjoy it.” That’s why so many don’t hear it when they’re told catcalling, for instance, isn’t flattery — they’d LOVE it if that was part of their day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 05:04 PM
18

I've thought this for the longest time, but of course could never say so. The idea that showing your ass and getting men to "want you" is an achievement is a laughable lie. It's further proof that having money doesn't exempt anyone from the same old traps.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 09:35 PM
8

Curvy Sewing Collective is my version of this. Amaaaaaazing to see people who spent years — decades! — hiding their bodies making clothing for themselves and then radiantly showing off. Too often they’ll say something like “I don’t look great in this but I’m so happy I actually made something that fits!” That’ll be followed by dozens of replies gushing about how gorge they look — and they DO! What is more beautiful than someone loving her body?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 05:29 PM
8

Get ‘em young.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 09:58 PM
14

I'll just go on record now as saying I hate all those Princessy movies, largely for these sorts of reasons.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/20 09:32 PM
4

Gads, I feel that. I need external input SO badly... but I’ve been single long enough to get over the inertia hill of trying to get it from dating. So I’ve at least got that going for me...?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 09:02 PM
6

Start with not reading relationship subs or FB groups like “hurry ladies while he’s still single.” If you can read that shit and laugh, rather than want to drive off a cliff, you’ll know you’re there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 09:00 PM
16

I’m sure they’re...very happy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 04:38 PM
40

You’re in the right place. Ask anyone here about their experiences with this, me included. I thought it meant I was/we were really SPECIAL when he came back... so much so I ignored that he trapezed every relationship he ever had, and he used me as the trapeze more than once. Never again. No ghosts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 03:51 PM
13

My mind has been legit blown lately by people reacting negatively to being "judgmental" about — ie choosing not to date — someone who is an active drug addict. Fucking WHAT? Anyone who pitches a fit about being "judgmental" might just be knee-jerking at the word itself. Not valid, regardless. If we aren't "judging" people we plan on hitching our wagons to, WTF are we even DOING? It's called priorities. Curation. Agency. Get some.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 09:46 PM
27

Right! “Are you actually asking me to explain this concept to you or is what you’re asking what level out of 10 you can get away with before you’re booted off the balcony?”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 08:54 PM
23

“ur just bein uptight” I can live with that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 08:52 PM
12

She’s living with an addict. Addict rules apply.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 02:58 PM
13

Damn. This is another one I learned the hard way. Not even from the one who thought “why can’t I just have women serve me without asking for anything in return?” was being dominant.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/20 11:00 PM
11

He probably isn’t attached in 2 weeks, he’s playing the BF role to get what he wants. In fact, in 2 weeks they are BOTH playing bf/gf roles. He’s just going to “try harder” with the new one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 08:14 PM
7

Oh. My. God. At least the first reply to that tweet was reasonable and sane.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 01:33 PM
11

More reason to NEVER answer that question. Try to get one of them to tell you what the “right” answer is. Here’s the secret: the “right” answer is less than whatever his is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/20 09:46 PM
63

Right, this is funny and all, but anyone who balks at condoms should be removed from the premises.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/20 09:20 PM
3

Brava!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/07/20 12:00 AM
11

I’m one of those people who doesn’t “fight.” If we disagree, we can discuss, negotiate, compromise, or maybe just agree to disagree. And I’m all for spirited discussion! When it’s discussion. (I actually love the feeling of my mind expanding — and being proven wrong or having my mind changed is one of the ways to do it.) Unless you’re irrationally attacking me, in which case, we aren’t “fighting,” you’re yelling at me and I’m walking away. You all would not be surprised how many people have trie…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 08:58 PM
9

If women started referring to “males,” they would instantly understand that it is not a term of endearment and it is NOT neutral.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 03:24 PM
9

This is another one to beware of — not just men who refer to women as “females” but the ones who will argue with you when you say it’s dehumanizing, creepy, and juvenile. “It’s the same thing! You’re too sensitive!” No, we’re too perceptive. We see all day what kind of men refer to women that way. And you’re totally right — they can’t say “women” because that’s too grown up for them. They just can’t say girls either. I used to know a guy who would use every other term in the book — chick, broad,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/20 02:50 PM
89

“Smart, HVM men going through financial crisis won’t waste money dating during that period. They will always make sure to get their lives and finances in order first.” DING DING DING! The ones who are trying to date when their lives are a mess either: 1: are actually fine with their lives being a mess 2: want a woman to fix it, either directly or “if I had a girl, my life would be perfect!” romantic claptrap 3: are looking for a distraction — you’re a distraction 4: some combination of the above…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/20 04:07 PM
48

“Ride or die” is an insidious NVM trap.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/20 04:01 PM
4

Me, too. As a power-clashing eccentric, I can get rankled at trying to beige-ify someone's style. But a lot of the time, they really made effort to take what the person was already doing and just...grow it up a little. I'd appreciate that myself!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 11:19 PM
13

Too fucking right. Before we got married, my ex-husband and I had this conversation — neither of us ever wanted kids. (Imagine, some people DONT EVEN HAVE the conversation! My darlings, “love” doesn’t conquer all when you wind up with kids only one of you wants.) Comparing the options, it was either major surgery for me or a quick in-office (reversible) procedure for him. There was no discussion about it, we both agreed that him having the procedure was the best option. Would I have married him …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/06/20 08:40 PM
54

Wear a pink flower behind your left ear...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/20 03:33 PM
38

I recently rejoined Bumble (I know, I know, I KNOW) and an automatic no is anyone who uses any form of "someone to complete me." I AM complete. If you aren't, take care of that before you come to me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/20 10:52 PM
6

Thank you! It isn’t easy, as we all know. Women get lazy in relationships/friendships, too, and those of us on the outside have to take care not to get drawn down their whirlpool of suckage — not even in the name of being a “good example.” Certainly not in the name of just “being with” anyone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 04:27 PM
21

No, usually I did before they did — by which I mean I don’t exist to hear them whine about their self-created problems either. Being supportive only holds up for so long when the sitch is fully self-imposed. “You’re so lucky you’re single!” Babes, it ain’t luck — I’d be single to my last day before I’d choose a relationship like THAT.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 04:17 PM
58

So many of us parent our SOs and then act like heroes for having a dumbass husband. I never understood how that’s funny, but I’ve lost track of how many of my friends did nothing but tell “idiot husband” stories every time I saw them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/20 03:09 PM
2

Jebus. You, too. Here’s to ejecting these dickheads from our lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/20 06:10 PM
33

“What’s the big deal about catcalling?” We don’t like it. “Yes you do!” No, we don’t. “It’s a compliment!” If the person you think you are complimenting is not complimented, you have NOT complimented anyone. That’s for the receiver to decide. “TAKE THE COMPLIMENT!” Still not a compliment. “[insert epithets of choice]”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 01:01 AM
8

I keep explaining this to people, why ghosting often happens. Ideally, of course we’d all bite down and tell someone we’re not interested. Maybe provide constructive criticism, if asked for. That’s not our world. We aren’t being cowardly, we’re being justifiably cautious. Best case, I am asked to justify my reactions/decisions to someone I barely know. “But why? Why? Why not? I thought you liked me! Come on, give me a chance!” Worst case, well, that’s a long, horrifying list.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/20 08:52 PM
12

I totally agree! You know what’s frustrating about this for me though? I date myself all the time. I have a blast on the reg traveling, concerts, art shows, and doing cool stuff on my own. So I would think anyone else should have a great time with me too! Or at least...someone? Anyone?? Evidently not. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 11:10 PM
15

Yep, I was off them for the past oh 4 years, and as a result I haven’t had a date in oh 4 years. I don’t have high hopes, but I’m in a different age bracket than most people I’ve talked to about it, so we’ll see. That’s another trope I wish people would learn, though, the idea that if you “date down” you’ll be safer. It’s not true, as you know. In my case, it’s always been nerdy boys with little dating experience. Not because I chose them on purpose, that’s just my peer group I guess. A lot of w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 03:02 PM
24

Let’s assume what he said was true (which it wasn’t, I believe your gut either way). It’s still gross on several levels. Aside from the obvious disrespect to YOU, it’s disrespectful to the other women on the app, which points to disrespect for women on the whole. The notion that it’s “harmless” to go on dating apps/craigslist/etc to “just look” is porn brain talking. It’s NOT harmless to go online and treat all women as free porn. It’s what, god I’m not even going to take a guess at what % of me…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 02:48 PM
12

What do y’all think of the notion: “women cheat as much as men, they’re just better at keeping it secret / men just don’t notice as much”?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 01:42 PM
2

"Pfff, what do you know, you're single." "Damn right I am — THAT's how much I know."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 10:19 PM
1

Mine sure did. And then SURPRISE! She emailed me to cry about it when he cheated on HER with a friend of hers. No shit. But don't kid yourself — us both being victimized by the same POS does not make us allies. Hopefully it did make her a little more self-aware, but I wouldn't take that bet.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 10:18 PM
4

"It was so good in the beginning!" No shit. Ted Bundy was real charming, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 09:19 PM
4

Not only is it not my responsibility, it’s what I like to say is ABOVE MY GODDAMNED PAY GRADE.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/20 11:03 PM
6

I SORT of had this conversation with one of my older sisters last week. Not in reaction to anything she had said, just in conversation, I said that I’m not a person who lashes out to hurt people. Sure, I get mad, but I’m not gonna cuss you out and then say “I was mad, I didn’t mean it,” and I don’t accept it when people do it to me. “I was mad, I didn’t mean it” is purely shorthand for “I did a Bad Thing, I know it was a Bad Thing, but I’m going to make it YOUR problem now. And you can expect me…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/20 11:01 PM
5

Me, too. Letting go of the notion that it’s my job — never mind my ability — to “educate” adult assholes was one of the better decisions of my adulthood.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/05/20 03:11 PM
6

Exactly agree. Great line, I'll probably never use it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 10:46 PM
52

This also underlines the value of living by yourself — not permanently, necessarily, but it’s something everyone should do. Learn yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 10:10 PM
5

I've met men who can keep up with me intellectually, and without fail, they don't seem to see me as a woman at all, let alone a viable romantic option.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 04:30 PM
23

On the topic of creativity, I want to share one thing: Beware of becoming too result focused. I read an essay long ago that has stuck with me for decades. When we were children, we made things with no concern for their “value” or how “good” they were. We created for the sheer joy of it. And then the adults in our lives — usually with all good intention — would say “this is wonderful, what is it?” And we learned to explain, justify, and grade our creations as objects, rather than just enjoy the p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/05/20 07:43 PM
9

Excellent list. Also: you should just engage your fuckbuddy (not sure he actually even acknowledges one on one relationships anymore) in any fetish they have because, hey, at least they’re not a necrophiliac. While at the same time, espousing that you should leave at the slightest conflict because, hey, there are billions of other people you could be fucking? Then again, I’m not sure I’ve seen any “advice” columns in recent years that weren’t dumpster fires.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 06:53 AM
7

OMG yes. Even different formulations will have different effects. I used BC pills for years, and when my insurance switched me to generic of the one I'd been using for a while, I got cystic acne. Medication is always a BIG DEAL. It's a BIGGER deal that we're taking charge of this, but my darlings, medication is still a big deal!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:25 AM
2

I had the Essure implant about 10 years ago. After I got it, there were some reported problems and it's been discontinued since, but I'm very happy with it. No incision, no recovery, no hormones, not reversible. Not a recco of that in particular, but I'd have never even known about it had I not had a conversation with my excellent gyno about non-hormonal options. It's super weird how many women are uncomfortable even having the conversation with their own doctors.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:22 AM
10

I had a long term FWB who was otherwise kind of a terrible person. But I will give him +10 for him really forcing this conversation with me. We weren't sleeping with anyone else, and were having the "fluid bonding" conversation. I told him I was covered as far as BC was concerned. He said, "What is it?" I said, "Don't worry about it, I'm covered." And he said, "No, what is it? Look at me, what are you going to do if it fails?" And he made me say out loud what I always knew I would do if the 1% f…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:18 AM
6

This is a genuinely important conversation for us to be having. The Number One thing that lifts women out of poverty is control over their reproduction. This is not controversial. HOW they control their reproduction is another, secondary conversation. This doesn't make it NOT important. It's too easy to default to the Pill. If that's the only option available, GO FOR IT. But for those of us who have additional options, please do consider them. Have the frank conversation with your doctor or your…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:14 AM
11

I'm so glad to see someone else recognize his suckage. Everyone else I know is too busy bowing at his altar to recognize how fucked up his "advice" is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:10 AM
11

hahahahaha I was about to respond, "Never put your cats outside!!!" Then I remembered where I was. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:09 AM
45

It's doubly gross that it's such a *fetish* now. It's a fetish because everyone knows how frickin dangerous it is. Such a fetish, it has its own slang.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:08 AM
12

"You deserve better." You only ever need to say that to me once for me to agree with you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 12:03 AM
33

Wanna get to know me? Talk to me. Wanna test me? Become an accredited professor.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/05/20 02:25 AM
26

Me, too, babe — me, too. We ARE fabulous unique beasts. And you don’t have to degrade anyone else for that to be TRUE.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/20 11:03 PM
90

Take that in!! If you have to prove to someone that women are humans, DONT. Run AWAY from that shit. Do NOT fall for the “I’m not like other girls” trap. I’ll say it again: Do not fall for the “I’m not line other girls” trap. That is a man who DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN. Don’t date men who don’t like women. It’s really that obvious when you break it down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/20 10:50 PM
5

STANDING O
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/20 10:16 PM
14

Some doof online (naturally) the other day was going on at length to me about what women think and what women can or can’t understand — about WOMEN. I laughed it off on a personal level, but the idea that these people think they know what’s in ANYONE’s mind, let alone an entire gender, is fucked up.* It takes universal thinking — which annoys me on a GOOD day — to a whole new level. Universal thinking is when I believe everyone thinks the way I do. This BS model we’re looking at here says “I kno…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/20 05:33 PM
8

True for most meme infected internet “speak.” It’s reductive in the name of “humor,” just like the old Pollock jokes were. And if you ask, or point out “that’s not even what that means,” then you don’t get it OK BOOMER. It’s just a new way to be sexist (etc) just like an earlier reply said. Resist. We can do better. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/20 05:25 PM
8

I think, in a way, she was trying to be gracious in that post. I hope what really happened when she "showed up" during their session, what she really said was, "Fuck you both, you both deserve each other, eat shit and live."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/20 08:57 PM
11

Maybe because it's scary? Maybe because he doesn't know how to caretake? Maybe because the first thing he thinks is "oh no my penis what about my penis!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/20 08:56 PM
6

I wanted to underline that part myself. Her being sick and losing her job did not CAUSE him to go astray. It's a choice he made, full stop. He'll probably come back. And she'll probably take him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/20 08:54 PM
1

It refers to a tweet wherein the number of comments far outweighs the likes/retweets. (The assumption being people who agree will like/RT and those who do not will tend to reply.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/20 08:50 PM
8

I think this is the very tweet that was used to illustrate “ratio-ing” for me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/20 03:43 PM
18

And he is N-O-T aging like fine anything — more like a lemon that’s been set out in the sun. Does he even HAVE eyes any more?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/20 08:45 PM
44

I’ve lost so many “friends” after I stopped getting them things for free. I thought carrying the friendships were worth it because I had fun when we went to shows and things on my hookup. I learned.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/20 05:14 PM
34

“I enjoyed our marriage, he messed it up” is a perfect 8 word summary of my marriage too. I enjoyed being married. Maybe I will again. He blew it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/20 11:11 PM
12

That’s it really. There are no “domestic” things I need anyone for. Housework, home improvements, yard work, auto maintenance, none of these things are performed with your genitalia. I don’t NEED anyone for that — let’s partner up and share responsibilities.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/20 11:09 PM
2

Can you distress my armoire! I’m literally LOLing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/20 11:07 PM
10

This is a parenting failure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/20 11:06 PM
2

Which in no way makes it less pathetic...possibly even more. :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 10:30 PM
3

True, but I would also bet that it wasn't behind his back at all. He gave her the other woman's number. She did it to impress him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 09:00 PM
16

Same. Same same same. I was going to say "she looks pretty bothered to me." Repeatedly saying "I don't care" rather than just ending the conversation is just another way of saying you do care.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/20 08:59 PM
8

It’s not even that. It’s just something about every single forum ever that brings out the worst in people. And people who want to spend time around people being trashy, well, they’re either already trashy or they’re going to get there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/20 10:12 PM
22

This is why meeting men online is such a trap. The more visible someone is, the more likely they are to be kinda shitty.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/20 08:53 PM
3

Relationship. It's that internet thing where everyone needs to make up new words for things that already exist in order to get retweeted.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/20 08:23 PM
72

I JUST rewatched this movie. It’s aging beautifully — very little to give away that it’s a 40 year old flick. Can’t recommend it too much.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/20 06:38 PM
3

Mostly true unless you’re using Facebook. Why are FB groups constantly so horrible?? I sew and embroider, and while the groups are mostly okay, there are always members who just don’t know how to behave!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/20 06:32 PM
10

Maybe just because deciding what to play would be such a nightmare!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/20 06:28 PM
3

Red herrings. The people up top knew exactly what they were doing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/20 04:51 PM
16

There still are women over 50... Age gap is an issue, but age isn’t.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/20 05:38 PM
125

Yep, I don’t care who you send them to, it’s a 100% chance they’ve been shared. Your partner is only “different” until you’ve broken up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/20 02:45 PM
20

After my ex-husband cheated on the woman he cheated on me with, she emailed me to tell me he was marrying this other-other woman. (I had no contact with any of them, the email came out of the blue.) I was like, "I don't know what to tell you, lady, we aren't allies now, but maybe we've all learned something."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/20 06:48 PM
13

This piece of shit wasn’t any better when he was younger, you can believe that. If anything, I’d suspect he was worse, because younger men have less self control. What a monumental failure at life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/20 05:58 PM
30

I was going to say! Shit I don’t even go to the kitchen for a glass of water without asking anyone in the house if they need anything. It’s practically compulsive.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/20 08:41 PM
13

I firmly believe any man who says he has NOT tasted his own is lying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/20 09:09 PM
3

Is what she did wrong? I don’t think so, no.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 11:06 PM
4

We’re agreeing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 05:32 PM
14

Casual sex isn’t “good” either. Freedom of choice is, but we still have to make the healthy choice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 05:13 PM
12

Truth. We got sold a bill of goods.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 04:29 PM
20

Cake is good, but you can’t eat it 5 times a day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 04:28 PM
12

That’s very scary! Don’t blame you at all!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 04:27 PM
15

Oh I agree. I think it definitely has its place. The problem is when it leads to dogpiling and outsized responses. For instance, the guy in this post. Put that on his public wall? Yes. Have 30,000 people tell him to die? No. Try to make him lose his job? No. We seem to have problems with the middle space, you know? It’s like we’re either telling each other that we have to accept simply everything anyone says and does, because it’s “honest” and “authentic,” or we’re giving purity tests where if s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 04:27 PM
32

You can tell she has just Had IT. And the more of us that get to that point, the more accountable other people are going to have to become. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 03:50 PM
70

This is going to become routine, and I'm all for it. I don't always think public shaming is a good route, but sometimes... it's exactly the right route.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 03:27 PM
14

I'm in the same place. They don't come to me, and when I've gone to them, it was always a mistake. It's a real catch-22: I'm not putting my tits out there, so no one notices, and I don't want the ones responding to tits anyway, soooo...🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/20 03:25 PM
5

I’m sort of the same way BUT “you don’t need to call me when you’re working” is far far from someone saying “I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT” That’s the salient point here, not that everyone should call you every 2 hours. It’s just this: if you make a reasonable request, if that’s what you need for some security, and he “doesn’t have time”? Then you aren’t important.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/20 05:45 PM
29

That pissed me off more than if he’d just opened the conversation with “nudes?”.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/20 03:20 PM
25

THAT LITTLE FACE!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/20 09:56 PM
26

Yeah, me, neither. I'm in a no-win situation in a lot of ways.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/20 06:04 PM
2

Well. THAT was repellant, thanks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/20 06:02 PM
26

Go you! This is the only way to survive OLD.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/20 03:27 PM
2

What comedian was this?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/20 02:17 AM
6

INSANE. Do they have a newsletter or something??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 11:40 PM
40

Same! It made no sense because he was adoring and sweet to me. I never would have guessed what he was telling people. I guess the most important thing to him was never to look to his bros as though he was the one making any decisions. Imagine THAT being your goal. Years later, I ran into him at a big house party and his waaayyyyy drunk current girlfriend tried to physically fight with me because I...exist probably. But gods only know what he’d been telling HER about me — years later! Meanwhile, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 08:19 PM
61

It fucked with my head. I thought I was cool with everyone — what was it about me that was so repellant to these people I barely knew? I tried to be friendly, open, etc... Of course now I know it wasn’t me at all. But that shit leaves a mark. (Obviously, since I remember it all too clearly, so many years later.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 08:07 PM
91

Truth! When I was engaged, and people would “jokingly” say “don’t do it!” I was always like “no, I LIKE my boyfriend, that’s a you problem.” We even told the minister who was marrying us (Vegas, never met the officiant before) that there was to be no har-har “who’s the boss” kind of crap, after seeing it in so many other weddings. In the WEDDING!! So gross.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 07:58 PM
113

It’s so weird! Seriously! It’s gotta be that Mommy thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 07:50 PM
624

Holy shit. I had a boyfriend whose friends all hated me. I didn’t know why, but I assumed it was because most of them didn’t have girlfriends, and they were in bands so were probably jealous of anyone else taking any of his time. A couple years after we broke up, I wound up dating someone in the same circle. My new beau’s brother was one of the most outspoken in his dislike for me. But to his credit (?) once I started seeing his brother, he said to me, “I know we’ve had our friction in the past,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 07:43 PM
52

Yeah that’s why that argument doesn’t work. Gotta compare to something they would NOT want. “What if every time you walked down the street, women hollered at you ‘hey baby let’s see that wallet! whatchoo got in that BANK account huh? Come on, pay for shit, you’re so much prettier when you PAY FOR SHIT.’ While also holding weapons.” Of course a guy like this one would claim that that’s what women are already doing, just more subtly, which breaks the analogy completely. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 07:03 PM
14

Think about the women’s options here: 1: react positively 2: react negatively 3: don’t react Start with 3. Most people have a very difficult time just not reacting. Most of us would consider freezing him out not really an option at all. React positively: guarantee he’s directly hitting on one of more of them immediately thereafter. Inappropriate (and clearly unwanted) on all levels. React negatively: and here we are. Obviously, the only option is for him to rethink the way he interacts with peop…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 06:58 PM
29

Excellent point.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/20 06:22 PM
3

Oh I know. But for some reason, societally we are locked in some ancient paradigms. We are technologically evolving, but our brains are still in prior ages.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 09:09 PM
2

Not if every feudal family in history is to be believed. 😉 Sure am glad I can just buy my own land!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 09:03 PM
51

I feel like it all comes down to fertility — or originally did. How anyone could still think that’s the most important thing in the world baffles me. The planet is populated, you can calm down about that. And you don’t have any fiefdom you need to pass to your heirs, you goddamned assistant manager.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 06:30 PM
19

I have friends in their 20s and it warms my little charcoal briquette of a heart when they observe my experience. I’m not trying to give them advice, we’re all peers, but they see I’ve done things they just haven’t gotten to yet, and they try to benefit from my experience. I fucking love it, and I love what ferocious young women we’ve got out there today. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 06:28 PM
45

I’m happy to say I’m in a similar position. And TBH during this quarantine, I think I’ve resigned that I’m just never going to date again. I sure as shit have a hard time imagining living with another person, but right now, dating doesn’t even seem like something I want. Would I like a partner? Theoretically yes, but I don’t even want to get back into that dating headspace because it’s too distracting from other things I want to do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 06:24 PM
15

The stats say probably their step kids. Another reason women need to be REALLY effing careful who they bring into their lives. We are bringing these monsters into our homes voluntarily.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/20 06:13 PM
22

This is profoundly sad. This girl is beaten dog on an atomic level.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/20 07:51 PM
26

Learning it wasn't my job (or ability!) to teach people how to behave, or my responsibility to be polite through online interactions I didn't even want to be having completely changed my approach to...many things. Liberating. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/20 04:17 PM
40

He knows and YOU know that if "strangers on the internet" convince you to do something, it's something you wanted to do already.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/20 04:15 PM
26

That’s what we’re doing here. But you can’t address a behavior until it’s recognized for what it is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/20 06:10 PM
32

Having devoted, supportive female friends is a-MAZing, and something a lot of women never allow themselves to have because they believe other women are competition. But you nailed it! Beauty and smarts and success are NOT zero sum games! You being awesome does not make me less awesome one bit, in any way. IN FACT! It’s the opposite! The better YOUR life is, the better MY life is, because we are sisters, we are humans, and we are all in this together! You lift me up, I lift you up, and we both ge…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/20 06:08 PM
2

Hahaha there’s nothing in the world some guys take MORE seriously...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/20 03:41 PM
77

hahahaha Let's start doing that. "You've been with [N women]? Bro, your dick must be TINY! You know every new vagina takes a layer off your dick, right?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/20 08:26 PM
99

This is my favorite thing in the world! It genuinely makes me LOL. "Oh you've been with [N men], you must be like the Holland Tunnel down there." hahahaha Ohhhhh, bro, that's a good laugh. I don't know, maybe they think each new dick takes some of the vagina away with it? That's the only way this makes sense at all. But the truth is, people who say things like this have literally never thought about what they are saying means.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/20 08:16 PM
26

You are just the kind of woman people should earn to have in their lives! I hope you get plenty of HOO-RAH from your friends, too!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/20 08:10 PM
27

God, I remember this one so clearly. I remember the first boyfriend who pulled this on me. We were in our 20s, and I don't even remember why he was throwing a fit. "I GUESS I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU'D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!" I remember it so clearly because it was almost like a little *DING!* went off in my head, and I realized... look, whether he was right or not, I'm not going to spend my time convincing anyone to stay in a relationship. And if he thinks I'm "better than him" and he …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/20 08:07 PM
21

“Men claim they need less...because most of their needs get met by default” is an excellent point. One of my credos in life is “you don’t know what you don’t know.” If you don’t know what it takes to run an adult life, you don’t know how much you’re not doing. When I was dating the man I married, he’d gone from living with his parents to living with a girlfriend to living with another girlfriend to living with a female coworker and her family (he rented a room). I’d owned a home and lived on my …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/20 02:48 PM
15

What I really think is that people do a lot of mirroring and it doesn’t work. “I do this thing for you because it’s what I want you to do for me.” Sets us up for disappointment. It’s kind of an interpretation of the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” isn’t quite right, if you think about it. What we want is, “Do not do to others as you would not have done to you,” or more to the point in this case, “Treat others as they would like to be treated.” The former a little mor…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/20 08:16 PM
1

That’s a generous take. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/20 05:39 PM
111

I texted a “friend” that I was feeling isolated and disconnected (this was a couple years ago) and he thought that meant he should call me while masturbating. He was so confused when I just started crying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/20 03:45 PM
33

I’ve given this some thought and this is where I landed, too. It makes the psycho men completely insane that a woman gives so little of a shit when men at large, never mind any man in specific, don’t find her attractive. That she’s just rejected the game that fully. I even posed this theory on a certain anonymous app. The psychos there went bonkers at the very idea. They couldn’t control themselves enough to even deny it, they just started bleating about “health” (my ass) and “you can’t make men…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/20 05:24 PM
22

I can’t stand anything under that topic either. Someone once told me “you’re the least sentimental person in the world” because of how negatively I reacted to “Avatar” FFS, which, from a “romance” standpoint was horrid — like most are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/20 04:31 PM
10

Oh god that really is worse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/20 02:15 AM
3

Hell YES it’s an enormous privilege! The few times someone I actually knew asked I respond, “I’m a live show only.” If he whines and begs after that? God how repellent. One more for the block list. When people I don’t know ask, I don’t even bother replying before blocking. I’m not free porn. I’m not even paid porn. I’m a whole entire person, and don’t you fucking ever forget it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 07:02 PM
3

I was going to say exactly this — maybe it’s because the women don’t want them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:57 PM
8

Yes, I think he can learn. The truth is, sometimes people just don’t see things when they aren’t a priority. And then you get used to it. Doesn’t mean it can’t become a priority. I’d mention it to him as a friend. “Dude, your bathroom is gross. I can’t keep it inside any more!” If he laughs it off like who cares, there’s your answer. If he’s horrified, you’ve got something. Men and bathrooms are SO fucking weird. I used to have a friend who would be the only man to visit my house for weeks at a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:50 PM
38

This is me, too. I understand the urge to slap them back, but it always feels like getting in the mud to wrestle a pig — I just get dirty and the pig enjoys it. If anything, I have said “mmhmm, fat ugly and old, and STILL not interested in you.” But genuinely not giving a shit is still my favorite revenge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:37 PM
3

I am so impressed by your level of introspection! You’re going to do great things. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:27 PM
17

Yeah, pro tip: “I just really love boobs” isn’t a “kink” either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:23 PM
3

Why...the fuck...would anyone even POSE this question? Horrifying from top to bottom.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 06:02 PM
54

Married and it looks like he’s got kids with at least 2 different women. Ya know, birth control being wholly her responsibility and whatever happens happens. So lots of respect for his own children there too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 05:55 PM
32

They all say they like strong, smart, independent women. I’ve never once met a man who didn’t say that’s what he wants. It’s just that most of them are lying (probably to themselves as much as anything).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/20 05:49 PM
6

Your English is spot on, no apologies required. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/20 09:35 PM
9

This reminds me of something I told the COO of my company, when he did the executive "we really want your feedback" thing: "There's a reputation in this business that the only way to get promoted/more money is to leave for another agency. Even I know that leads to resentment and talent drain. So if you're serious about hearing what people have to say, if you're serious about keeping the great team that a lot of people worked really hard to assemble, don't do what my last agency did and leave us …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/20 09:32 PM
205

There was a radio psych I used to listen to, Joy Browne. When people called in, sad about their singlehood, she would say, “If I told you that in ... 5 years, you’re going to meet the man of your dreams and spend a blissful life together forever, what would you do with the 5 years in between? What would you do to be expansive and fulfilled and happy and educated and challenged?” Whatever that is, go do that. Enrich your life. Be awesome. (Assuming your answer isn’t “become inert for 5 years wait…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 08:59 PM
1

But but but their relationship is "ok, kind of." Why dump an okay I guess relationship just because you aren't getting what you want or need out of it? Then what — NOT be in a kind of ok relationship at all?? /s
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 05:05 PM
2

Wait wait wait. She threw him a goddamned parade and he got mad at her that no one ELSE threw him a parade? Is that what happened? Jebus. Don't use your partner as a dumping ground for your outer-world shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 05:03 PM
1

My first thought was, "He didn't forget, he just doesn't care." It may be semantics, but words are so very very important with how we express ourselves. He did not FORGET. He does not CARE.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 05:01 PM
2

Nobody, eh? So you haven’t been reading this very thread.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 12:56 AM
3

Yeah, you couldn’t pay me enough to sleep with a guy in his 20s today. “Best cock” my ass — which they seem obsessed with.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/20 12:55 AM
8

Agree. Big big agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 10:20 PM
24

Oh I don’t think they’re looking out for us at all. This is about keeping the bar low for themselves, and just making it easier for them to get what THEY want. To a certain sort, what you want never matters to begin with. I’ve had the conversation a million times — I don’t date people who believe in any god. “Well most people do so you’re never going to find someone.” Okay. “That’s bigoted of you.” Okay. “Oh you think you’re BETTER than —?” Doesn’t really sound like looking out for me to me, sou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 03:18 PM
22

Yes, I covered that twice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 02:56 PM
24

I know a lot of women who do. And good for all y’all who DO enjoy it! I won’t say every one of them ends in disaster but...every one of them >>I<< know ends in disaster. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 02:48 PM
20

Thanks. I’m honestly ready to get dogpiled for this, because of my general experience in other public forums. I really do expect better here. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 02:38 PM
172

I hate pulling attitude, maybe the distancing is getting to me, and I’m going to go on anyway: 1: Women over 40 exist, we date, and we’re on this sub. Can we get away from the trope that being older is in and of itself a negative? I know that’s not nec what the OP was about, but every time one of these memes springs up, we go on and on about “no one wants your old ass.” Who do you think women over 40 are dating, 25 year olds? We sound like those “the wall” idiots who believe the Pinnacle Of All …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/03/20 02:29 PM
25

I'd like to again thank all the hardworking mods for keeping this sub usable — we all know what would happen to this sub without them here. Not only do they keep the place cleaned up, the clear rules and enforcement make a lot of us think a little before we even post — which helps us all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/20 09:00 PM
11

Absolutely agree. Our mods do a MASSIVE amount of work just to keep this place usable at all, and it feels like it may be time for the sub itself to level up, you know? Let's get actionable posts, posts with clear lessons, more positive stories on HVM and how to recognize them etc. I LOVE my venting sisters, and I'm glad that we're here for those who have recently been suffering and are trying to turn it around. But we also need to remember that life can get better, and not to track the dogshit …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/20 08:56 PM
37

I’ve been seeing posts like that too and have had trouble believing it’s for real. But...it’s for real. You can’t spend a WEEK not on the hunt? We’re really finding out how many people have zero inner life, not to mention responsibility for other people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/20 05:39 PM
5

Our language betrays a lot. What words do we use when talking about not being partnered up? Being alone. Not having love. These states are NOT the alternatives to dating. We are quick to discount the love, companionship, and deep bonding we get from our friends and our families. Too easy to catastrophize — and that’s part of the reason why people seem to have so much pity for even those single by choice. Too easy to think “single” means alone. Where in truth, people single by choice are often th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/20 05:33 PM
24

People usually only feel sorry for you for a minute, too, before they realize all the great stuff you’re up to, and how you’re the only one who isn’t bitching about her relationships. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/20 11:51 PM
35

Boy does it ever. A LOT of FDS does (which is why the Level Up sister board), and honestly that's largely what I'm here for any more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/20 04:56 PM
67

This is one of the legitimately funniest dynamics in modern relationships. “Yes he fucked my sister...and my brother, but blocking him on FB/changing my Netflix password would be MEAN!” It’s one of the FIRST THINGS I’d do the DAY we split up. Assuming I gave it to him to begin with. 😂😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/20 09:25 PM
35

I’m surprised he waited until after he dumped her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/20 09:23 PM
38

This is why it’s really important that people not fall into that trap of conflating words with violence. Verbal abuse is a very real thing. There’s no reason to say “words are violence” for someone to make a point. People internalize that shit and decide, “well, they said a mean thing, so it’s appropriate for me to respond physically — words ARE violence after all!”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/20 07:00 PM
11

Truth is, my ex husband and I NEVER argued. We never had conflict at all. Meanwhile, he was a giant closet case who tried to establish a whole secret life with some loser several states away (not all women are HV either). He even admitted that it wasn't me being overbearing, it was just him never being fully engaged in his own life. So yeah, conflict can sometimes be very productive — it isn't not having arguments that proves a good relationship, it's how they get resolved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/20 04:17 PM
10

GIRL. Thank you for sharing such hard-won WISDOM with us. Every time I see such obviously smart, strong women tell these stories, it reminds me that it isn't always some OTHER woman, some "WEAK" woman... We all need to be aware from the start. Ladies, you don't need to have a string of red flags either. Remember that frog in a frying pan — the heat can be gradual until... your little flippers get burned off, sorry, got lost in the metaphor. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/20 04:14 PM
7

That's some psycho shit right there. I'm glad you kept your head (and dignity) through it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/20 04:04 PM
3

Hmm maybe. Mostly I just think they are very dull and have no inner life, and probably drama queens to boot. Just watch a soap opera, dude.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/20 12:09 AM
9

I didn’t want to say a couple generations...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/20 07:07 PM
50

This is something I'm hesitant to even wade into, because there seems to be a whole generation who thinks it makes sense to "capture" a man by breeding with him. "I've got his kid, he's in my life foreverrrrrrrrrr" as though that's a good thing. And I see mothers using this as a battering ram against other women — "yeah well I've got his kid(s), what do YOU have?" I'm so far from understanding this, that it's like typing a foreign language to me. But I am comfortable saying — as the child of a w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/20 04:48 PM
4

Shit, I think it's a red flag when people ASK about MY ex, like, on a first date. THAT is where you want to go in our getting-to-know-eachother phase? It's really just so you can talk about YOURS, isn't it, and it isn't going to be a nice "oh our priorities changed and we were better apart" conversation. (Actually this is when I want to walk out on a date the most, when they do the "so when's the last relationship you had / why did you break up / how is online dating going for you" routine. I un…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/20 04:08 PM
11

😂 I’m pretty good with “no” because I don’t wanna play in HIS butthole either.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/20 11:00 PM
11

And say it without a smile — practice suppressing that nervous smile, I know I have to — or qualification. Not “I’m sorry, that’s not appropriate.” Or “that’s not appropriate [laugh].” And the answer to “why?” is “that’s not appropriate.” Because trust me, they already know why. (Things I’m working on.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/20 10:29 PM
7

When we were breaking up, my ex husband said, "Some day I'm going to want to apologize to you for this." WTF kind of way is that to even live.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:49 PM
11

Same — I usually offer, and they never accept. And I DO NOT FIGHT. That's just silly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:47 PM
57

"I'll Venmo you so you can make rent."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:45 PM
7

Honestly, I'm rarely worried about getting murdered by someone I go home with — that's the outlyer, and although the obvious worst case, it makes it too easy to dismiss all the emotional and psychological dangers that are muuuuuuuch more present. Sometimes I'm not worried at all about what he might "do to me." I'm worried about the damage I'm doing to myself. And we all know we've heard it: "It's not like I'm going to murder you or anything..." I'm not concerned about being murdered — I'm concer…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:41 PM
14

[raising hand] I'm one of 'em. I don't regret it, exactly, but...if I knew then what I know now...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:30 PM
9

This, all day every day. Mr Three Years Later was probably really solicitous that first month, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:22 PM
2

I love reminders that whatever it is we're going through, we're not the first. Every generation thinks they invented everything. We haven't. Get a grip.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:20 PM
4

This is also why identity politics is poison.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:18 PM
28

In the early days after my divorce, I did a lot of OLD. Back then, I thought polite refusal was a good and decent response to men who approached me but I wasn't interested.* Inevitably, I'd be asked "but why?" (in the best of cases). Still being tied to my polite midwestern roots, I would usually answer — I even tried to formulate different ways of saying it in hopes of not getting angry responses: "Thanks, but I'm not interested in dating men with small children."** MAYBE 5% of those who respon…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 04:16 PM
8

This "friend" gave this woman's phone number to some dude who hadn't even met her, but had seen pictures of her, which means they were both creeping on her...? That's a firing offense, friendo.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 03:58 PM
6

No I never had any dates anyway. My normal human being standards are just too dang high evidently.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 01:37 AM
27

There may be something to it. Think about how celebrated the idea of “you’re beautiful but you don’t know it” is. Many want the beautiful girl with the poor self-image...and they’ll make her themselves if they need to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 01:07 AM
25

This reminds me of a gorgeous, drama-llama friend I used to have. She had a bad picker, and was always on a cycle of meeting someone “awesome omggggg!!” and then 2 weeks later “who? oh he’s married” or whatever. Anyway, I remember her saying “maybe men are intimidated because I’m so pretty.” Yikes. This wasn’t her being false or conceited, let me clarify. She really thought she needed to bring herself down to the level of, well, any dude who wasn’t “intimidated” by her I guess.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 12:57 AM
5

Yeah, I gave up on the idea of teaching anyone how to behave like a decent human being. Just makes for an angry monquis. But maybe if a few people do it, he’ll at least disappear.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/20 12:02 AM
37

The last time I was on OLD, a few years ago, I’d have probably just deleted him and move on. I’m considering getting back into OLD (new attitudes in tow) and I will 100% be blocking and reporting anyone who comes at me with this trash. I don’t care if it’s “what most people do” or not — people need to know that we don’t have to play along.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/20 11:58 PM
16

I went through all of this too and I’m glad to say my intentions have done a 180. And I AM sex positive — positive about waiting until you’ve proven your long term value before having any sex. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/20 11:56 PM
15

I’m pretty sure corvids are covert space aliens.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/20 08:54 PM
15

Right, I mean I know he’s being hyperbolic, but you should SEE the shit I’ve moved by myself. Imagine how horrified he’d be to know I chainsaw the trees that fall on my property, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/20 08:52 PM
2

Well, my understanding is the last two letters are for “mediocre” and uh...kitty cats. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/20 08:51 PM
6

Habits are hard to break — bad habits most of all. I’m glad you have us now, make this the new spot for all your great news! I can’t wait to hear more. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/20 11:57 PM
2

Oh so this 3 month thing is a known thing? I'm relieved — I thought it was just me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/20 06:19 PM
10

Shit, I didn’t even know about this! But then I’ve never been, nor ever planned to be, pregnant. That can all remain smoke and mirrors as far as I’m concerned. 😂😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/03/20 09:11 PM
26

This...hurt...DEEPLY. Cultural relativism is bullshit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/03/20 10:37 PM
2

More HVM stories please! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/03/20 10:43 PM
0

I’ve never been a fan of Disney movies. Can those of you who are share with us the Disney movies with what you’d consider good messages, especially for young girls/women? Without caveats.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 10:10 PM
9

I really want to read what’s on that paper. Edit: it looks like a recipe, I can barely see some of it. I’m a little disappointed. 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 06:11 PM
18

I still fucking do. The better I get, the worse the audience, somehow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 06:08 PM
6

I thought I had a good marriage. I really did. We were always doing things together — traveling, concerts, cultural and sporting events... it wasn’t until we were divorced (he initiated) and I was getting back into my life that I realized all the things we were doing were his things. He did his things, I did my things, and WE did HIS things. Now, I’m the kind of person who really wants to share in my friends’ and partner’s interests. I love seeing people excited and in their element! But how did…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 06:05 PM
11

This is exactly why I deleted all OLD. Every time I got a notification, my reaction was “oh god here we go.” Why on earth would I keep doing that? (In my case it’s because 99% of them were overseas scammers and 1% were low effort ‘hru/do u like younger men lol’ types. Either way it made me so aggravated and sad. That’s not the experience I want.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 04:56 PM
15

I am so sad that having so many “options” available to us makes us think this is a sane thing to do to ourselves. Three times a week...THREE times a week. But there’s no “obligation.” Genuinely sad. I wonder how clear their “understanding” is that she’s a cock warmer until someone he really likes comes along. It’s not like he “doesn’t have time” for a relationship, they are dating 3 times a week! I didn’t see my last boyfriend that often and we WERE committed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/20 02:17 AM
28

Low effort to the end.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/20 12:08 AM
10

How did he respond?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/02/20 11:13 PM
23

Totally agree. No, full stop. Not no, with potential openings for less “ew” people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/02/20 11:12 PM
57

I see practically every day some post somewhere about how there’s “no risk” because she’s pregnant/post menopausal/etc. Pregnancy is ONE risk, not even close to the ONLY risk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/20 07:21 PM
12

I’ve said this to people saying “women are so [whatever].” I will ask “would you feel okay saying black people are so [whatever]?” “Gosh, I didn’t think of it that way.” No, you didn’t think at all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/20 07:13 PM
15

...and 25 bonded women who meet every year to vacation in Cancun.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/20 07:37 AM
28

Being a “reality star” IS the end game.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/20 07:34 AM
7

What about the guys who end every sentence with “lol”? hi lol how are you lol you’re really cute lol A friend told me that “lol” looks like a little guy drowning, and I think he was being less literal than he intended.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/20 04:52 AM
11

I was going to post “fluent in sarcasm.” Sarcasm is actual humor, bro, and if you understood that, first of all, you wouldn’t be using such a tired cliche line as though it was an original thought. But second of all, we all know that means you’re a bitter husk who can’t express himself or answer a question with a straight answer.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/20 04:46 AM
29

Remember, you aren’t raising these men. You aren’t going to “teach” him what he did wrong. You are not going to craft the perfect devastating response that is going to change his ways — you think you have the perfect screen shot for your buddies, but he thinks he has a exactly the same thing. I know it’s tempting, but all you get from wrestling a pig is dirty. Actually, it’s worse than that, because engaging with the bad makes you think they’re all like that — and they are NOT. So save your prec…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/20 04:38 AM
132

So many “modern” women recognizing the wisdom that’s been passed down for centuries. Did we think these generations of women just made this shit up? That’s hard-won wisdom, y’all. They WATCHED this shit happen.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/20 04:18 PM
6

We seeeeeeee you... 👀
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/20 06:03 PM
10

Always! Nana knows what's UP!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/20 06:02 PM
7

Guilty. But reformed. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/20 05:56 PM
64

This is the most horrifying thing I’ve read today. Heartbreaking. But it sounds like she bounced back (by ejecting him into the sun) so that’s something.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/20 09:28 PM
22

Tell me I’m not the only one who was like “they had 3 kids in their 70s?!” 😂😂 Reading comprehension, get me some!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/20 09:06 PM
39

Let me tell a story from the flip side of this situation. When I was married, I traveled to the opposite coast to meet up with a man I knew through an unusual hobby. My husband knew who he was, but did know him personally. I had legitimately no ulterior motives other than to pick this man’s brain and enjoy a few days away. When I proposed this long weekend away to meet this guy (and do some other activities), my husband just said “have a nice time.” Now, it’s nice to be trusted. He had zero reas…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/20 08:11 PM
6

Love it! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/20 07:56 PM
70

When I got married, my newly-minted husband (who was also not a jewelry guy and had to get into the habit) went to work without his ring once, and he got GRILLED by the women who worked with him. I was proud of those catty bitches that day. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/20 07:54 PM
35

Let’s not forget how sexy and successful stalking is. “Romantic” movies are all about that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/20 07:51 PM
1

Stick with it, it’s worth it. :) Don’t forget your friends. We often shortchange how emotionally important our friends are when we missing having a “relationship.” If you’ve got friends, you aren’t alone. ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 09:36 PM
2

I had one of those normal interactions with someone who said women over 40 have lower dating standards. I said not in my experience because we simply need less externally, which means we don’t need to put up with as much. He said something about us not having any choice and we’d have to settle. No, friend, being choosy IS a choice, we don’t HAVE to settle at all. And if you haven’t noticed, more and more people are choosing that option — especially older women who have already had their families…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 09:34 PM
15

And it sounds like a disturbing number of women among us are doing this raw. Do you care so little for your bodily health? Never mind the emotional toll of letting someone cum inside you when you don’t even know his last name (why that’s just too private! shooting his genetic material directly into my womb though, whatever). Our ideas of intimacy are fucked.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 09:23 PM
5

I’m a little older than you, and it took me even longer to figure this out. After years of nothing but FWB I realized how this was subsisting on junk food — scratches an itch, satisfies a craving, but eventually I just wanted to puke. If I wanted something better, more satisfying, it had to start with MY habits. I never had anyone in my life to tell me what false intimacy is. How fatiguing it is, how it...wears out your triggers. NOT that it makes your a lesser person, not that it’s something yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 09:14 PM
8

How are my actions in my personal life that in no way concern you a fucking personal attack? That’s a good goddamned question. As I explained to someone recently (IRL), this sub is in no way “man hating” or “let’s get them before they get us” — which seems the life philosophy of a looooooot of people on this site at large. I don’t even take it as condemning anyone’s lifestyle of choice. It’s about reconciling the differences between what we WANT and what we’re DOING. If you keep pulling that A l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 09:04 PM
28

Controversial statement: “watching movies” and “hanging out with my friends” are also not hobbies. I’m consistently surprised how many people have no real answer for the question “so what hobbies do you have?” Or even “how do you spend your free time?” Girl, I have so many hobbies and interests, I will never run out. AND I want to check out yours, too! I wouldn’t expect a man to share all my interests, but if he also doesn’t have any of his own? What ARE we going to talk about! 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 08:53 PM
20

Oooooooooh Mama sees YOU!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/20 08:19 PM
17

Yeah we evolved to have ‘em for a reason.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/20 02:53 PM
127

Along with the removal of all hair. That’s for porn, friends, not “hygiene.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/20 12:47 AM
6

I'm so sorry, this must be so traumatizing. But thank goodness you were NOT married and all that jazz — sounds like you've got the freedom to learn from it, scrape this one off, and move on. I want to bring something up, though: He didn't cheat on you because he's into older women,* he cheated on you because he's a cheater. Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you were more A or less B that this wouldn't have happened. As your mind clears, you're already seeing the disproportionate commitment…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 08:18 PM
7

Yep, until she actually lives with him for a while, gets tired of his shit, throws him out, and he's back on OP's phone — or worse, her doorstep.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 08:10 PM
18

"SEE HOW YOU ARE!" No, but I see how YOU are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 08:02 PM
7

Ouch. "The man I shack up with, with no legal protection, secretly/dishonestly took money we were agreeing to save together — how do I bring it up without making him mad?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 08:01 PM
17

My favorite ever "review" of the movie "Ex Machina": Man builds robot: "What is the nature of humanity? Can intelligence be quantified?" Man builds female robot: "Can I fuck it?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 07:58 PM
23

I am familiar. I was my (ex)husband's second. He still managed to cheat on every single woman he was ever with. Edit: I would never say this is a certainty or what lead to what, I'm just saying that I've known men who didn't sleep around who still managed to cheat.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 07:30 PM
10

haha Have you ever noticed that every "favorite book" of every man on every dating site ever is something by Chuck Palahniuk?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:20 PM
4

100% my reading, too. Like sogol1990 said, I think it's a slight misunderstanding. If you're naturally into those things, do it up! The problem is doing all The Guy Things to impress them. This also includes, of course, all the bedroom shenanigans that you'll get shamed for if you aren't into. "A Cool Girl™ would be okay with inviting her sister into our bedroom — you're cool, aren't ya?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:19 PM
3

This is something I've mentioned on this sub once or twice — we aren't all the Large And In Charge type, and that's okay. In fact, it's wonderful! You CAN be girly and a badass.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:14 PM
8

Geez, I don't even act like that when I'm with my long term friends, nevermind a date.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:12 PM
10

"'I like strong women' is code for 'I hate strong women.'" Goddam. This is the struggle of my life. Men always say they like "strong" women and "smart" women. Well, I'm a strong, smart woman, I should be top of everyone's list! Oh, wait, by "strong" and "smart," did you mean "strong except never challenges me, and smart but not smarter than me"? Because I think that's what you meant. (I had someone for real break up with me because "your intelligence intimidates me." WTF. Not "you argue too much…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:09 PM
5

haha Sorry, "Commie" is just the first generic/ridiculous "insult" that came to mind. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 05:01 PM
2

Totally agree. But it's more likely she's going to get pretty damned bored at home with her hobbies after a year or two. If I just had a $4 million windfall, I'd hang out at home for a year or two, too! And then on to bigger and better things. I'm surprised he didn't propose to her on the spot.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:56 PM
1

Madden King
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:54 PM
5

It's weird to me, too. I grew up in the US welfare system, and it was totally "normal" for women with children to have revolving men living off their state benefits — adult men who never held a job for more than a week or two, moved in with a woman and her children after sometimes only days of "dating," and maybe left the relationship with another baby or two. See: Madden King.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:52 PM
10

So, what, are you saying that I don't HAVE to come into areas I disagree with and spend all day fighting with people? What are you, a Commie??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:42 PM
12

Although it's generally used as an insult, I'm really happy that "fuckboy" has entered the lexicon. If an FWB is a friend you occasionally fool around with, a fuckboy is what most of us actually get.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:39 PM
7

I have a monthly subscription to a massage spa. One of the best things I've done for myself. NO it's not a "sexual experience," NO there's no chance of me "catching feelings" for my therapist (although I've found one I like and book him every time), and hell YES it's worth the <$100 to lay there in silence and have someone minister to my body exclusively for an hour. (I actually think it's even better that I get the same therapist every time, because he's gotten to know me, and when I had that h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:35 PM
19

Truth. I suspect it's because it's very often the case that we're hoping that FWB will become something "more."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/20 04:30 PM
12

Shit, I don't even answer the phone on my DAY off.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 09:45 PM
6

They never left those roommates dirty dishes to be cleaned or clothes on the floor to be picked up. You have definitely not seen the same bachelor pads I have.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 09:43 PM
11

You know that thing where you hold up two fingers and waggle your tongue between them? I learned what that was at age 11 after *more than one* man did that at me. Yes, it's all of us.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 09:37 PM
5

I think this is a matter of semantics. Is it "selfish" or self-actualized? "Selfish" or focusing on your goals? "Selfish" or not letting anything hold you back? It really can't be argued that certain segments of our populace are described one way and other segments the other.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 09:25 PM
17

Selfish if you stay home to raise your kids, selfish if you work while your kids are in school/daycare, and let's not forget, selfish if you don't HAVE kids. So... do what you fucking want is the lesson there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 09:21 PM
24

We’ve all been through it...we’re here for you. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 06:22 PM
2

Too true. I hate watched every episode of this show, and didn't like a single person on it. There was the occasional moment — like when Charlotte went to some self-help seminar saying she can't meet The Right Man and when the speaker flippantly told her "you need to get out there" Carrie stood up and said "oh she is OUT THERE." I felt that a little too much! haha Still do! But aside from a few moments, bleh, no, everyone was awful and the ending of the show is right up there with Dexter in WTFne…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/20 03:36 PM
24

OMG yes giggly experimental stuff is super fun! But yeah these roads get dark quick, and too often young women need to be reminded that they can say no, being the “cool girlfriend” won’t keep him, and if he neeeeeeeds extreme shit, it’s A Problem. I’m not speaking directly to the people in this thread, but for all the other women reading along: don’t get guilted into having sex you don’t want, and that includes positions and specific acts that you don’t want, even with an established partner. Co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/20 01:38 AM
26

I've had exactly this same experience — and I mean exactly but for different pet names. Once you stop internalizing that you shouldn't have the reaction you do to a stranger being overly familiar, you're right, it makes a great test! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/20 10:35 PM
31

Oh it absolutely leaves all the room. I don't know, I usually only see people using that term to indicate how much more cool and extreme they are. shrug I find the very term a red flag. The MAIN thing on this sub, I think, is "what's in it for her?" not that women shouldn't enjoy their sexuality, whatever that involves. At the top of the list of most varsity level sex moves is a bunch of stuff that involves a lot of degradation and "performing" for your partner, and that's definitely not philoso…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/20 10:18 PM
12

No question. Them spending quality time together wasn't important, what's important is her not spending it with anyone else.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/20 09:55 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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