What my mother told me today about family court

DiscreteOpinion · 2012-03-03T01:45:35+00:00

Get some cookbooks and learn to cook WITH your Father.

kronox · 2012-03-02T22:36:37+00:00

Ask her on a moral level if she feels women should have the right to deny fathers access to their children. Ask her how in the world she can support her notion that she is 'getting screwed' especially when you compare her situation with your dads.

BinaryShadow · 2012-03-02T23:03:54+00:00

In what way does she feel she is getting screwed?

Less Child support payments, because she is doing less parenting?

Spending an equal time with her child as the father does?

Luriker · 2012-03-03T00:01:58+00:00

How many jobs does she work?

C0CKPUNCHER · 2012-03-03T00:12:56+00:00

I just stopped talking to my mother. Eventually 10 years later she got ill and I felt guilty so visited her again. I can honestly say it didn't make the slightest dent in her views though.

The best thing is now I'm older I can help out my step dad at least cash wise. I recommend you study hard then make some money when your older and help out your dad then.

ArdenLinoge · 2012-03-03T00:09:30+00:00

Did she choose to divorce him?

2012-03-03T03:05:46+00:00

first of all, kudos for pushing for that 50/50 custody! that took some guts. maintaining a deep bond with your father will pay rich dividends later in life.

it is wildly inappropriate for your mom to put you in that position. you should never have to manage their frustrations with each other. please don't take on the responsibility of making her 'see the light'. you are the child, it is not your role. refuse to play it. tell her you don't want to talk about it and she should take it up with your dad. her emotions are not your responsibility. these are their emotional issues to work out. i have a feeling your dad would wholeheartedly agree.

kragmoor · 2012-03-03T00:52:54+00:00

ask her if she would understand and comply if you got sick of living with her and live with your dad

overcontrol · 2012-03-03T04:08:29+00:00

When my parents split up (it wasn't a legal thing, and they're actually back together now), I chose to be with my dad so that he wouldn't be a lone. I wasn't even an MRA at the time, I just didn't want my dad to feel like he would be abandoned.

If your mom was my mom, then I'd have very little respect for her.

The_Patriarchy · 2012-03-03T12:44:04+00:00

I don't think you should be involved in their issues. You're their kid, let them work it out for themselves...it's not something you should have to deal with and I think it's wrong that either of them complain about the situation to you. You are not their therapist.

If you value the relationship you have with both parents, you really shouldn't take sides (or be perceived to be taking sides). That sort of thing can lay the groundwork for estrangement.

With all of that being said, if you're still set on advocating for him/etc. to her, approach it in a less obvious manner, so as to protect your relationship. Mention the troubles he's facing (like working two jobs, etc.), but don't do it when she's complaining, or come off as blaming her. For example, if she's complaining about the stress from her job, you could casually mention how you think your dad is having trouble with stress. If she takes the bait, you could then elaborate that you think he's working too much and are concerned he might be working himself to death. I assume she already knows he's working two jobs to pay her, so there's no need to take it any further.

You could do this sort of thing for other issues...but you'll need to take care in how you present them and when you bring them up. Remember: don't do it when she's complaining about him, and do not turn it into a "this is because of you" or "you have it better" thing (especially not overtly).

NovelDame · 2012-03-03T04:41:16+00:00

it took me ten years, and lots of patience. I'm finally to the point where I can accept that my mother has a skewed view of reality and nothing she says can be trusted. Instead of getting angry, I try to give her the same respect I would give a stranger.

That is key: I treat her with the same tenderness and respect I would give to a stranger. No more, no less. I am the only fruit of her womb who is still on speaking terms with her.

Luriker · 2012-03-03T09:35:09+00:00

I'm a mom and while my ex and I share custody, the children live with him and I pay him child support. Not a ton, but what we both think is fair. Until a few years ago, we had 50/50 residential custody then my kids told me they were tired of living in a different house each week, so there we are.

My advice is to remind her that it's your (and your sister's) best interest that's important, not hers, and tell her that YOU think it's unfair. make it about you. If she's any kind of mom, she'll get that.

How old are you?

JeremiahMRA · 2012-03-02T23:03:41+00:00

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funnyfaceking · 2012-03-03T02:44:32+00:00

original post:

What my mother told me today about family court (self.MensRights) submitted 4 hours ago by Luriker [+1]

So my parents are divorced and I had pushed back at the start of their proceedings for 50-50 custody, and my mom eventually conceded that for a trial period I could spend 50% of my time with my dad. The trial period ended and nothing changed after that, which I was pleased with. I didn't choose this because I prefer one parent over the other, I chose it because it was what seemed fair. Living with my dad isn't always as easy, his cooking is poor, and he works two jobs so he can pay for the divorce settlement, utilities, and my sister's child support.

But today I was in the car with my mom who, out of nowhere, began complaining about the set-up. She complained that she was 'getting screwed' and she only really let the trial period work because she figured either the eventual ruling would make her my primary custodian or that I would just get sick of living with my dad.

How do you handle the women in your life who refuse to see the imbalance and complain when it's not upheld?

LoganPhyve · 2012-03-03T03:55:36+00:00

After all she's put your father through, she has no ground to stand on. Likewise, if she wants you to remain a part of her life after you reach the age of majority, she'll shut up and stop whining about how fair life is. How fair is it that you must now choose whom to spend time with??? Ask her how she'd feel if she had to work 2 jobs to pay your father while your father worked less than 1, and how she'd feel if the courts made him primary custodian, not due to financial stability, but due solely to a common sexist practice?

Apparently you had a choice in the matter in the beginning. You should tell your mother that if she questions your decision to spend time equally (which is only fair), she is only using use as a leverage to damage your father, whom I'm sure has already had enough. On top of which, it's a purely selfish attitude. She's basically telling you that if she could prevent you from seeing him, she would. How ludicrous. That's the absolute WORST possible thing you can do to a child - remove them from a loved parent. She needs to grow up. It's obvious who's more mature, here.

As a father, the last thing I'd ever want to do is lose my children and I'd damn well fight to the death to make it so. I'm sure it means a lot to your father, though he may not exhibit it as most men don't, that you really do want to spend time with him. Your father is the bigger person here, if he is actively avoiding retaliation so as to preserve and strenghten his relationship with you. I imagine it's very difficult with him. Give him credit. And as another redditor suggested, get a cookbook and grill up some food. You'll both learn a ton! There is nothing more manly than searing meat to perfection in your choice of outdoor grilling apparatus. Both skill building, and bonding, covered in one tasty shot :)

Samandmaxgotmarried · 2012-03-03T05:09:21+00:00

Can you choose to live with your dad full time, thus reducing his child support of you, and maybe get a job to help him out, if you are over 15?

If you don't live with your mom at all she can't claim support for you, can she? Tis way youre taking an action and not one contingent on emotional blackmail, etc. You have a say in who you live with now, if you are a bit older.

I don't see the reason for a big psychodrama with threats of leaving her alone forever if you can just do something concrete like live with your dad full time to ease his burden. Say he pays her 400 a month to have you there 50 percent of the time, if you leave, she gets nothing for you, he saves 400, and you could chip in to help him wi a part time job for about 100-150. It's a solution that isn't dependent on her.

ManofToast · 2012-03-03T06:47:06+00:00

Yuck, divorce settlement. Words make me sick.

2012-03-03T03:56:26+00:00

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otter111a · 2012-03-03T18:06:59+00:00

Maybe it would be helpful if you expanded on how she she feels she is getting screwed. Does she want more time with you? Does equal visitation somehow equate to less child support? Does she only see you when its a school night and therefore all the quality time (weekends) goes to your father?

Rex9 · 2012-03-03T12:21:01+00:00

Most (I won't say all because I'm sure there are a few exceptions to prove the rule) women feel that way. My Ex truly believed that she was in the right, it was my fault that she had sex with an old friend of ours. She deserved house/cars/child support even though she never cooked a day in her life or put the kids to bed, read to them, played with them. They feel entitled because they are women/mothers. Modern feminism at its finest.

InfallibleBiship · 2012-03-02T23:08:15+00:00

Ask her why she thinks she's getting screwed. It sounds like a fair and equitable arrangement to me.

Xenophyophore · 2012-03-05T04:38:25+00:00

my dad is superior to my mom in baking, and also buys more unhealthy food!

Liverotto · 2012-03-03T21:07:01+00:00

~~Reasoning with her.~~
Ask to get full custody with your dad, he will not have to pay child support, since they both have one child, and get him to quit is second job and help him to learn to cook now that he has more time.
Get some attracting male foreigner desperate for a Green Card to seduce her and marry her, that should take care of the alimony.

2012-03-03T05:38:42+00:00

Fuck em

luciansolaris · 2012-03-03T02:30:48+00:00

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DougDante · 2012-03-03T06:41:43+00:00

you are her child. it is a difficult situation for her. talk with her about it when you are an adult.

zaferk · 2012-03-03T04:51:32+00:00

With a strong back hand slap.

Title	What my mother told me today about family court
Author	Luriker
Upvotes	135
Comments	116
Date	March 2, 2012 10:27 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/qf37j/what_my_mother_told_me_today_about_family_court/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/what-my-mother-told-me-today-about-family-court.1026750 https://theredarchive.com/post/1026750

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