Need advice - we had plans to travel to Nashville for 3 days to celebrate my bro in laws bday with my wife’s sisters and their husbands.
We are only 3 weeks into the divorce now and I’m getting a lot of the typical pushback - she isn’t in love with me - I’m a good person but a bad spouse, can’t wait to divorce and start her life over, etc.
She obviously has a lot of years of pent up resentment.
She said she doesn’t want me to go to Nashville but that I can come but not to expect anything. She is also stressed about leaving the kids with an extended family member that has never watched the kids before overnight.
I really wanted to go - I felt it could be an opportunity to reconnect to some degree without the stresses of work and kids.
But what if I said, ok. I’ll stay home - you go ahead and have fun. That would give her some space to cool down and it’s something she would not expect. The old Jay would never ever do that.
I can see the utility in both decisions- so could use some help steering to the right one.
My thoughts are that if I relent and stay home - I will be demonstrating that I am genuinely changing and also it could provide her with a few days of space. It on the other hand she will be drinking the entire time with her family - so is it really space? The old me would never agree to stay back - so this would be very unexpected and maybe demonstrate that I am evolving?
Whenever force is met with force - damage is done, right? So maybe I just bend to her force and it turns out better than trying to control the situation?
Thanks.
[–]emberlands 34 points35 points36 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[+]JayBaywatch-6 points [recovered] (8 children) | Copy Link
But what if I’m not ready to give up fighting for my marriage - but in a way that is positive and if nothing else makes me a better man for it?
We’ve spent more than half of our lives together- she kept telling me to stop letting my anxiety control me (and control her) and I couldn’t see it until that day she told me it was over - and then clarity hit me like a freight train.
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I’m sorry about your situation. I haven’t been whining or begging or pleading at all. That doesn’t work at this point and as you noted.
I’m doing the opposite of everything that the old me would have done and doing it in a way that will only make me a better person in the end.
She’s noticed but conceded that my next relationship should thank her for being the catalyst to these changes.
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[+]JayBaywatch-1 points [recovered] (12 children) | Copy Link
Yeah you are spot on - she said she has been planning it for years and there is a lot of resentment.
When she told me she wanted a divorce - I spent 3 days really self reflecting and decided whatever the outcome - I was going to change. I’m not going to let my fears and anxiety control my emotions which in turn control my actions. I’ve executed on this - Reflect on how to bend with the wind now and not try to control every situation out of fear. I’ve learned to not let my anxiety control my perceptions and how to be thoughtful of her.
I’ve learned that I was neglectful, emotionally and sexually and that I would blame her for anything just so that I didn’t have to admit to myself my own faults.
She said she has noticed a huge change in me and even acknowledged that it’s probably permanent- but says it’s too late.
Women are emotionally driven and the hope here is that by consistently demonstrating the new me and providing space - maybe it opens the door to slow this train down and get us some help before throwing 23 years of marriage out the window.
[–]chubbgerricault 12 points13 points14 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[+]JayBaywatch2 points [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
Hey man, thank you much for taking the time to respond. I know that my marriage is in all probability over. It’s sucks and you’re right - I need to talk to a therapist but mine is on maternity leave until November.
I agree that acceptance that this is out of my control is key. And I am really trying - but it’s really, really hard.
You should be proud of the things you’ve done - you’re my role model now. It’s weird because I hate this situation so much but I am finding that I like myself a whole lot better and I hope that we can someday reconcile- but if we can’t, evolving myself to the better version of me is still better than living in fear of everything. I was always jealous of the ppl getting promotions at work and after I’d that I couldn’t perform as well as them because they have a phd and I don’t. Afraid of everything really - fear drove my entire existence and now that I’m learning to leave that behind - I’m starting to actually feel ok inside.
Im waking up and going to bed on a schedule - spending good time with kids - working out - setting boundaries- all these things I would never have done before.
I realize that it’s probably not going to bring her back to me - but for now we are still living together and every day is a gift.
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Good advice i think. We’re gonna keep the house and share an apartment. One of us will stay at the house for 3 days while the other stays at the apartment and then rotate every 3 days so I’ll still see the kids often.
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[+]JayBaywatch2 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Hey thanks for the comments. To clarify - I’m not changing anything for her. I’m doing it for me. It just took this event to bring some clarity to myself in understanding the things I was ignoring and. Hiding behind. I don’t like those traits about myself, so I need to love myself and in order to love myself - I need to be happy with who i am and how I handle my emotional space as well as my perceptions of reality.
I’m changing the things I don’t like about myself for me - not her.
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How is self improvement a lack of dignity? Isn’t Working on becoming a better person dignifying?
If it helps us reconnect and evolve a better relationship- that’s the a great outcome and if not I end up a better person that has self love and control over my anxiety.
The whole premise of giving up a vacation that I spent A shit ton of money on and really would like to go on to make her happy and provide her some space is itself dignifying.
I’m actually finding some peace in this decision not to go.
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Maybe it’s inconsequential, but I guess I should have noted we haven’t signed any papers yet. We had a consultation mediation session and the first real one is next week. I mean she wants no part of this marriage right now.
The thing is - nobody ever wants divorce right?
She believes her life will be happier divorced than married. But what if that simply isn’t true.
The whole “you can’t grow” argument is nonsense. People can grow and do grow and evolve all the time. Growth potential is a mindset not a fact.
Trying to reason or plead with her will get me nowhere fast. Im committed to genuine and real changes and i really hope that somehow she might notice and reconsider her position because we could have it all of I could just get my emotional shit together.
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[+]JayBaywatch1 points [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Because I spent more time on education and my career than I should have. That’s really the foundational aspect of it all. Neglect.
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