GASLIGHTING: Which tips/tricks did you teach yourself to combat (self-)gaslighting?

Adventurous_River_64 · 2021-10-28T18:07:51+00:00

Honestly this sub overall. Also a therapist who helped me to look objectively at situations and unlearn a lot of negative self talk that I had developed over the years. When you start respecting yourself more it’s easier to see and stand up to disrespect.

CantoErgoSum · 2021-10-28T17:58:52+00:00

I knew that I could not be inventing EVERYTHING. I knew that my life wouldn’t have been the way it was if I was making everything up. My father was a major narcissist and used gaslighting and humiliation as his main tactics against my mother and especially me because I called him out daily on his bullshit. His whole thing was built on pillars of sand anyway, because the minute I stood up to him as an adult he immediately melted down and became the victim.

Gaslighting is just how low value people attempt to turn responsibility off themselves for their shitty actions. My younger brother is actually an expert at this, which is why I I don’t get along with him all the time either. He will say something deliberately insulting and then say it’s your problem for getting upset about it. The bottom line is they are responsible for their actions and trying to get you to think that something else than what happened actually happened is just a mark of cowardice. That’s been my biggest strength in remembering that gaslighting is just manipulation born of cowardice.

Gambit12345 · 2021-10-28T18:13:47+00:00

I spent a good long time building my self confidence. Sure I know I have some flaws and I’m self aware to recognize that. So if someone makes a comment to gaslight me, I already have the confidence in myself to not fall for it. There’s one comment that always stuck out to me. If a dude tries to neg say “can you explain what you mean?” Or if they say something was a joke, ask them to explain why it’s funny. Being on fds has made me become very direct with men. Maybe a little too direct lol but it gets the point across. It’s never actually scared anyone away either and if it did good riddance!

ello-motto · 2021-10-28T19:34:18+00:00

Once you identify a gaslighter, just know that THEY are the ones that have lost all credibility.

Anyone who tries to gaslight others isn't worth keeping around or knowing.

Make a mental note of who this person is and minimize interactions with them in your life. You can leave the room once they enter, you can change topics, you can ghost them and not bother speaking to them.

seadragon6 · 2021-10-28T19:45:47+00:00

Take stock of who surrounds you. When you feel uncomfortable, do you defend YOU or OTHERS? You learn to gaslight yourself from conditioning, NOT instincts (which are build to protect you), so literally write down who's closest to you. Who do you ask for advice? Now you can be more conscious of what they tell you to do when you're uncomfortable or when someone disrespects you.
Cut people out who tell you that you're overreacting or use the phrase (my favorite) "one-off" EVERY time you are disrespected. Who makes you feel like a petty, mean person, even though inside you constantly feel belittled and undermined? Remember that there is NO SUCH THING is a one-off unless we are talking about a freak accident. People have patterns and abusers especially have intentional ones.
If you cut off more than three vital people because they were conditioning you to tolerate abuse/gaslighting, now is the time to get an FDS-minded therapist or life coach (I know many don't believe in them, but life coaches can be good too, just as long as you vet). The reason I say a professional should be involved is because many self-gaslighters do it to "hold themselves accountable." If you cut off your supply of "accountability" (those toxic people I mentioned in number 1) then you need to replace it with someone you can actually trust and listen to. However, the therapist/life coach does not know the gospel truth. Go to them with specific questions and situations and make sure they are helping you build your independence and confidence.
Now is the time to read The Gift of Fear and do some CBT workbooks. These will help you reorient and recalibrate so your compass points only to YOUR true north, not others'.
Once you heal and can trust yourself, practice standing up for yourself. At work, with friends, in relationships. The amazing positive feedback loop that FLUS has taught me is once you start respecting yourself, the universe throws ALL of the good Karma your way. You teach others how to treat you.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-10-28T19:48:30+00:00

what helped you stay firm in maintaining that confidence in your own reality, in the accuracy of your perception?

It was several books which I recommend. Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" as well as the Cognitive Behavioral therapy (CBT) books that Dr. David Burns has written (Read ALL of them.)

Essentially to combat the psychological after-effects of gaslighting (self-doubting, "mis-remembering", doubt in your own memories and things you saw and heard with your own eyes and own ears).

Write notes to yourself. Back in the day, I used to drink like a fish (not my proudest moment, but a relevant moment nonetheless) and my gaslighters used to use my drinking as an excuse why "I wasn't remembering things correctly".

So I began to write notes while drunk to myself. I would write notes like (Phillip yelled at me because he was pissed over X,Y,Z). So when he tried to "correct" my "mistaken memories" because "I was drunk", I'd go back to the notes and immediately know that he wasn't pissed because I broke something, or did something wrong, it was specifically because of X,Y,Z.

I did this enough times to regain confidence in my own memories. De-programming yourself from the aftermath of gaslighting is a MOTHERFUCKER. Eventually, you know EXACTLY who the men are, who gaslight you, and you learn as you live your life that he's probably going to lie about this 2 weeks from now. So take and write notes of it. Record videos, voice memos, and take pics. So 2 weeks from now, when he tries to gaslight you by claiming he paid for that necklace (that you definitely paid for.), you have the evidence there.

A week from now when he tries to lie about chores he "definitely did, but you just don't remember it correctly", you'll have the notes there, that on Tuesday, you cleaned X,Y,Z and did laundry. When he tries to lie about childcare he definitely didn't provide a week from now, you have notes and pics and voice memos about when exactly he did (or didn't) provide the childcare. You need facts. Notes. Pics. Voice memos. Videos. Recordings. ALL OF IT will help you combat their lies and strengthen confidence in your own memories.

As you continue to build and examine evidence, you'll slowly regain confidence in your own memories and eyes and experiences again.

I also STRONGLY recommend that you go to a trauma therapist. Chances are that gaslighting isn't the only thing he's doing to you. He's likely also engaging in overt or covert psychological abuse that you're going to have to deal with.

I also STRONGLY recommend that you cut off ALL the gaslighting shitbags in your life. Begin to distance yourself from them. Distance and space away from gaslighters will naturally boost your confidence in your own skills and build self-efficacy. Unsurprisingly, NOT being surrounded by assholes who gaslight you, allows you the space and time to trust your own memories again.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-10-28T18:29:41+00:00

In the moment, I just focus on keeping my composure and looking through whoever is trying to get my attention. I have never felt comfortable to confront a scrote in the wild the way it seems your relative has, so I just look 'through' them so it's like they aren't even there. If it's between friends or other relatives I have a few phrases 'yikes' 'eww' 'well that escalated quickly' 'hello pot, forgot you were there'. (I don't engage with these people for long)

This sub is the best place I've found to understand that a TON men say this to every woman they come across- and it has nothing to do with me. This sub helps me process my experiences so I don't internalize them and let my self esteem get run down.

SeaNegotiation8 · 2021-10-28T22:04:20+00:00

Him: “iT’s jUsT a jOkE.”

Me: “Jokes are supposed to be funny.”

Platipus6 · 2021-10-28T21:26:29+00:00

Use "I am" affirmations like these https://www.youtube.com/c/RisingHigherMeditation/videos

Write a list of relevant affirmations and repeat them to yourself every night before sleep.

eg. I am certain. I am correct. I am the final judge of my experience and emotions. I am valid. I know what I'm looking at. I know what I heard. I trust my perceptions.

AdmiralRando · 2021-10-28T23:20:38+00:00

I’ve never been prone to gaslighting (I’m too stubborn for better and for worse!) But I knew a woman who took to recorded conversations. She was trying to “fight” for her marriage and would tell her husband, “we can talk about this, but we’re going to record it”.

It seems to have helped in the long term in their case (everyone being more careful with their words). It may be that theirs was a case of heated miscommunication rather than gaslighting.

But I think that gaslighting is a secondary problem. If a man is convincing you that you are crazy, you never said that, he never said that, that never happened, etc, then you already trust him more than you trust himself.

The best guard against it may have nothing to do with him at all. Can you be honest with yourself? Are you able to change your mind if given new and reliable evidence? Can you be wrong? And if you allow that you can be wrong sometimes, do you allow that you can be right sometimes?

When you start trusting your own thought process, then gaslighting will be basically impossible. (Someone may attempt it, but you won’t buy it.)

If you have other troubles with discerning reality (e.g. from mental illness) then you would need to be extra careful with who you trust. Find someone with no dick who cannot have an ulterior motive to talk these situations over with.

Actually….that’s pretty good advice in general. 😂

plomerst · 2021-10-28T18:32:17+00:00

This sub helped a lot, but also checking my own interpretation and distinguishing from my own insecurities vs. reality. I evaluate what was SAID and DONE (sometimes it is implied, and not very direct). If it’s disrespect, I know not to deal with that person. But I’ll admit, I also learned I am hypersensitive to criticism and have become accustomed to jabs (side effect of LV friends) that I find myself looking for the insult at times, if that makes sense. This past week I was around a new group of people and they were so nice, genuine etc. and at times I found myself questioning things and coming from a place of distrust…I acknowledged that but made sure not to taint my interactions because there were no signs of aggression or negativity from anyone. It’s just that it’s been a while since I met a group of good natured people without ulterior motives.

apommom · 2021-10-28T18:49:15+00:00

When I was in an abusive relationship a couple years ago I started journaling just a bit at first to keep my head above water. It turned into a huge hobby of mine, eventually (and with therapy) something “unlocked” inside my brain and I was flying through journals as all the repressed emotion started flowing out. It can be difficult to start, but I think it really helped me become grounded in my own reality and stay there. I was used to the things that my family or my partner said being “law” or the ultimate truth/reality, but over time I realized just how much I was doubting myself and how damaging that dynamic really was for me. I was just so used to it and didn’t see any other way to live, but one day something just clicked and I realized each person has his/her own reality and it’s my duty to honor mine.

Therapy helped so much, but it also helped to actually learn about the term “gaslighting” and how to ascribe it to my experience. I see many people online get up in arms about this term and that frustrates me a bit, I think there’s no point in “gatekeeping” the term and simply learning about its definition can help so many. I’m glad it’s gained popularity, if I’d known about it sooner I probably could’ve started to heal a bit earlier on in life.

dkwantsdk · 2021-10-29T15:54:47+00:00

Tara Brach and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), both which involve a lot of mindfulness concepts, have helped me the most in being able to observe, identify, and separate my feelings from my reactions; identify opportunities for boundaries, set, and reinforce them; break my codependent and hypervigilance tendencies to manage other people's feelings; and most importantly, remove SHAME from having normal human emotions like anger and sadness and allow me to process them in a healthy, loving way.

InspectorGadget07 · 2021-10-29T02:37:03+00:00

I’ve dealt with this a lot from really slippery clever sources in the professional world. If you are comfortable posting the comments I’ll give you a good reply. Or if you dm me or chat me.

I’ve spent ages thinking about how I could’ve handled such comments better in the past, watching videos and getting advice and now have it down to a pretty good science

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-10-29T05:12:41+00:00

I simply say, “Then why don’t I find it funny?”

This is where there is awkward silence or he’ll just say something to make amends. It’s important to not respond to make your point clear that what he said is not okay.

Don’t be afraid about hurting his feelings. Embrace the awkwardness of the aftermath. What he did and said was wrong.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-10-29T12:09:19+00:00

For me it’s my own sense of dignity.

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shaezamm · 2021-10-31T20:43:01+00:00

My first trick was I stopped trying to prove myself to him when he was saying I’d done this or that, and instead focused my energy on what he was saying so I could write it down later… this also helped me “grey rock” before I even knew what that term meant. I kept notes or screenshots of EVERYTHING. But I also kept them completely hidden, and he never knew I was doing it.

When things got worse I started secretly voice recording everything.

All the notes and recordings I kept were not so I could throw it back in his face, they were to remind myself of what really happened so I never go back

Title	GASLIGHTING: Which tips/tricks did you teach yourself to combat (self-)gaslighting?
Author	arnezuara
Upvotes	213
Comments	21
Date	October 28, 2021 5:51 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qhsj5s/gaslighting_which_tipstricks_did_you_teach/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/gaslighting-which-tipstricks-did-you-teach.1081307 https://theredarchive.com/post/1081307

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