Debating ending it with my fiancée, utterly lost.

AntiVictimhood · 2021-12-18T16:52:24+00:00

Many things to address here.

First.

"He flies off the handle unpredictably, when he gets angry becomes a monster, screaming and destroying things, calling me names, sometimes these fights happen at 3am, 5am, 20 minutes before I have to leave before work or right before I have to go to sleep."

This is domestic abuse. Point blank. If he is showing these behaviours now, you can guarantee the severity of his abuse will escalate. You are in a dangerous situation, and there is no way you can or should feel safe with him. Having kids with a man who cannot control his temper and is abusive is absolutely no environment to raise children in.

Having a family and wanting kids means prioritizing their needs and safety before they're even born. It is so critical to consider what kind of a father he would be, what kind of a partner he would be etc. Children will be traumatized living in a home where their dad lashes out, is violent, is destructive etc.

One of the most important qualities in being a good parent is having patience. If he lashes out at you about chores not being done to his satisfaction, imagine how he will be when kids leave their things around, make a mess, and don't live according to his standards.

Or he may take out his anger on you for not cleaning up after them to his satisfaction. This is an impossible standard, and it does not justify violent, intimidation, yelling, name calling etc.

He is showing you that's he's comfortable abusing the people he claims to love. Love and abuse are fundamentally incompatible. And when men or women show that they're willing to be abusive, this is more than a red flag. This needs to be a dealbreaker.

Second.

Do not go to your mother for advice. You're 28. It is not too late. You have enough time. Your mother is projecting her fears and her regrets onto you. And if she is encouraging you to stay with an abuser, she is part of the problem and not a trusted source for advice. If she is contributing to your isolating and limited options, this is awful behaviour and I'm so sorry that your mother isn't supporting you and showing more care for your wellbeing. This is heartbreaking and I'm sorry that you lack a caring support circle at the moment. This can change. I used to be in your position- extremely isolated and dependent on an abuser. I now have an incredible circle of supportive men and women. You can achieve this too.

Third.

"If I leave, I leave broke, in debt, on the wrong side of 20s, very few friends or family supporting me, maybe throwing away someone who’s as compatible as I’m going to get."

"he even has encouraged me to homeschool & be a SAHM eventually even though I planned on working"

This is another red flag. Some men prey on younger women who are in vulnerable positions, who don't have bargaining power, and who are easy to control. because they lack financial independence, alternatives, a strong support circle, life experience etc. It's why I say that if you want a traditional arrangement, you need to find a man who doesn't abuse that power. There are tyrannical men who want a wife who has limited options because she's easy to control, and will submit out of fear rather out of love, respect, and trust that his decisions are also in her best interest.

Control is also a form of abuse. Staying with someone because you're dependent on them to maintain the lifestyle you have is a terrible reason to stay because it makes you vulnerable to abuse.

Make an exit plan. That's all I can say. I've dealt with domestic violence situations before, and you do need a strategy. Start looking for places/roommates. Find a place to stay, look for a job (or if you have one, a better paying job), accept that you will be in a transitional phase where money will be tight and you'll have to make some adjustments. Find new friends. Join a DV support group, a women's group etc. Find some outlet where you have a supportive community because leaving is hard.

If keeping friends is contingent on you staying with an abusive man, those are not friends you want in your life.

To emphasize this point, staying with him and going through with the marriage is only going to make all of these harder when things escalate and you do leave. If you were to have children with this man, and he continued to be abusive, and you ended up leaving later- then you'd not only have yourself to worry about, but you would be older, with children etc.

And women often get absolutely wrecked in divorces with abusive men. There is a huge difference between a divorce with a good partner and father, and an abusive man. For reference, my parents got divorced and my mom was a SAHM for 13 years. My dad made sure that we always had enough money to keep the house, stay fed and clothed etc. He didn't want any of us to suffer even though their marriage didn't work out. Compare that to my friend whose parents got divorced. His father was very wealthy, 20 years older than his mother. When they got divorced, he had an incredibly lawyer who took every penny she had. He got out of paying support. My friend was left with absolutely no financial or emotional support from his father. His dad was never physically abusive towards his mother, but his dad was controlling, chaotic, impulse, manipulative, and neglectful. His dad made sure that the divorce was felt for decades by his mother.

It sounds like the man you're with would lean towards the latter situation...

Take these warning signs extremely seriously. Make an exit plan. Find a support group, get things in order because the longer you wait to leave an abuser, the harder it will be. Especially as your life continues to get entangled with his.

Fourth.

"I don’t want to make the choice to stay out of fear, but I’m fearful I’m sabotaging my dreams. However those dreams are conditional on whether this person can change on a fundamental emotional level."

Is it a dream to have a family with an abuser? With someone who is controlling? With someone who lashes out unexpectedly?

Additionally, the saying that you should never get into a relationship or marriage with someone if you depend on them changing- this is very true. Some people are more committed to change than others, but at 34 if this man hasn't resolved and worked on his anger issues and aggression- I wouldn't bet on it. And if he can change, that's terrific. But it would be awful to wait around and see, all the while sustaining the fear and abuse.

The reality of your situation sounds more like a nightmare than a dream, and my heart goes out to you, love.

twillytea · 2021-12-18T14:33:02+00:00

Is this the man you would trust around your screaming colicky baby at 3am when you are both sleep deprived? You are in the hardest situation and my heart goes out to you, stay strong <3

proofofkeys · 2021-12-18T14:52:31+00:00

"If I leave, I leave broke, in debt, on the wrong side of 20s, very few friends or family supporting me, maybe throwing away someone who’s as compatible as I’m going to get."

This is true if you leave now. If you stay, though, you'll likely end up leaving in the next five or ten years, a divorcee on the wrong side of 30, with small children, all of you recovering from an abusive situation. Life will be exponentially harder then.

If he won't get help, there's nothing you can do. As a former 23-year-old divorcee, it's absolutely terrifying to leave a horrible relationship and the best thing I ever did for myself. My husband now is a wonderful man and I have a wonderful life.

hstar23 · 2021-12-18T14:27:04+00:00

Wow, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. One thing I know for sure is that fear based decisions end up being costly in the future. You really have to think if this is the kind of environment you’d want to raise your children in. This man is displaying signs of abuse and domestic violence. You shouldn’t wait until it gets physical to leave. Your mother’s comments about the situation are really alarming. At the end of the day, this is your life and you’re responsible for your well-being and safety. A broken engagement is better that a broken marriage-especially with children. You’re still young. There’s still time to build yourself up and get to stable place financially. Also, I’m sure nearly anyone can do better than a man that lacks control of his emotions. This is NOT the best you can get.

anonavocado0 · 2021-12-18T19:37:04+00:00

It seems like he strategically plans his melt downs when you’re about to leave for work, in hopes that you won’t show up. Putting you through hell before sleep, so that you’re too tired to go to work. This isn’t love at all and couldn’t be further from respect. It never gets better, please leave. They always test the waters by breaking things and before you know it..he’ll get physical. It can be frustrating to hear external opinions, especially from your mom. Most abusers present themselves as an angel outside of home. Apart from drowning yourself in abuse and staying in a fight or flight mode, would you want to expose kids into this? Risking to raise kids who are traumatized.. Save yourself and your future children by putting an end to this. I hope you aren’t pregnant.

Abusers typically love to bring up your fears to control you. My ex would typically say “no one will love you like I do” or “you’ll never found someone like me”. Well, I’m glad I never ran into someone like him again lol. Good men exist, they’re rare but they still exist. You will be way better off without him.

This isn’t your fault, sorry this happened to you and I hope you leave as fast and safely as possible. Please leave!

anothergoodbook · 2021-12-18T14:32:08+00:00

I’d like to ask you to reframe it. His behavior isn’t good for anyone. No one should be treated like that. Period.

Feeing disrespected on his end may be the case. But throwing things, name calling, destroying things? That’s scary. That’s not being incompatible. That’s being abused. Im on the side of taking ownership of your own shit. But you can’t own someone abusing you - that’s his problem.

You are young. I would suggest not settling for someone you are scared of. Having problems like this before marriage shows you what your marriage will be like. Do you want a couple of kids and be broke and still in this situation? Where you feel like you really can’t leave?

If it were my daughter in this scenario I would say to postpone things and encourage him to get counseling and deal with his inability to handle his anger.

Kombucho · 2021-12-19T10:11:01+00:00

What kind of mum "views him as the best you can do"

That's outrageous

fuwafuwarachel · 2021-12-18T14:02:44+00:00

I'm so sorry this is happening. Have you felt able to have conversations with him about his attitude and behaviour when he's in a better mood? Has he ever apologised for the way he speaks to you or expressed remorse? Do you know what triggers him, or is it unpredictable? Has he ramped up the behaviour over time? Just trying to get a bit more information. But off the bat, this doesn't look remotely good or safe for you, nor is it a safe environment in which to raise your future children.

breadcake5245 · 2021-12-18T17:44:55+00:00

Many problems you have before marriage only become amplified afterwards, and especially after having kids. If he has anger problems now, it’s going to be worse when you have a baby who wakes you up at night (and you can’t keep the house as clean as you want) or a loud toddler who interrupts his TV/conversations/etc and won’t go to bed on time.

If you have a baby with this man, you’ll be tied to him forever. It’s better to have a broken off engagement now than be a single mom later on. Think really hard about this. Now is the time to decide. Talk to him and see if he wants to improve his anger and is willing to get help. Ask him if he really wants to marry you too, because it seems like he’s upset and angry a lot. Tell him how it affects you. Honestly, it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with issues he’s dealing with. He would be like this with any woman. Even the most meek and submissive woman would be subject to his outbursts if he doesn’t work on them.

My brother is about to propose to his girlfriend. She broke it off with her ex-fiancé because he was angry and an alcoholic. She met my brother when she was 29. They’re about to be engaged at 30. My brother is one of the best and kindest guys I know. You are not too old.

This is a hard decision… good luck to you.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2021-12-18T17:45:30+00:00

You're like someone in a raft going down a rushing river with terrifying rapids that keep getting worse. You're speeding towards a waterfall. But you don't get out of the boat because the terrain on the banks is rough and has no paths and you don't know how you'll be able to hike out of the woods...

So you stay in the boat.

I promise you that he will not get better. It will only get worse. You're settling for disaster.

RaineVIII · 2021-12-18T19:13:01+00:00

Staying because your mom likes him is not a reason to stay. You are in the relationship , not her. And for her to say, "this is the best you can do", is something a parent shouldn't even say. They are there to support and give advise. Also , does your fiance know about how you feel? Maybe counseling will help. Tbh, if does not acknowledge his temper., it'll only get worse once you're actually married. And as others point out, if he lashes out at you, what will happen if you have kids?

Lilla_Snigel · 2021-12-18T21:37:40+00:00

Leave this abusive SOB. I met my husband when I was on he brink of 30.. he’s a good man and we shared goals and 5 years later we are married with two wonderful children. It’s not too late for you to start again and still realize your dreams of family with a gentle loving man

tiny_titanic · 2021-12-18T16:36:38+00:00

Take all the advice given here lightly. This is the internet and none of us actually know you, him, or the situation. That being said, I can tell you that when I divorced my ex husband (who had unrealistic expectations for how I should be keeping the house while also working and going to school full time and not helping at all) I was absolutely terrified of my future. Now 3 years later I am marrying the absolute love of my life (who takes care of me and spoils me and treats me with respect and kindness).

I would try counseling before making the decision to end the relationship. But if you’re feeling unsafe, that doesn’t happen for no reason. Look at potential partners by their value as fathers. Does he seem like he would protect and provide and nurture? Or will he fly off the handle with the smallest bit of stress and potentially harm you or the baby? You know in your heart what you need to do. Be brave.

shayzelala · 2021-12-18T23:46:00+00:00

x0juliaa · 2021-12-19T00:41:15+00:00

Being physically violent (throwing things) is definitely a red flag because it can turn into violence against you. I would talk to a therapist or counselor and have them help you through this.

2021-12-18T18:37:56+00:00

Problems like this always get worse when you add a baby in the picture. If he is already this unstable, it will be even worse when you are both sleep-deprived and you don't have time to stay on top of housework.

Redpill can be a double-edged sword because we look for men who want a traditional life, but this can lead us into the direction of an abusive man. Men like this like the idea of a stay-at-home wife because she will be easier to control.

I won't tell you what to do, but I want you to tell you you deserve better than being called names and intimidated, and it makes me truly sad reading your responses wondering if he is the best you can do.

lookylolo · 2021-12-18T22:33:22+00:00

The audio book “First Kill All the Marriage Counselors “ by Laura Doyle helped me in a similar situation!

pinkandpurplepens · 2021-12-18T18:38:25+00:00

Would he be willing to go to therapy? If yes, I think that’s a strong sign towards willingness to work it out. If no, then what does that say towards his willingness to work towards many inevitable conflict resolutions in the future?

blufairy1916 · 2021-12-18T17:08:47+00:00

How is his blood pressure? Does he drink in the evening if so it may be causing his blood pressure to rise. I ask because you said this happens at certain times a day. Edit: I am getting downvoted for this comment. My current partner is a good man. He treats me well would do anything for me. However, if he misses his meds and his pressure gets to high he becomes a completely different person. Screaming, breaking things and saying things the normal man I know does not say. Medical conditions and changes in medication can cause problems. I thought it was worth a metion.

plein_old · 2021-12-18T17:55:19+00:00

Has he always had a bad temper? Maybe he is simply allergic to some food that he started eating recently? Maybe he's under stress at work or maybe he doesn't like what he sees on the news?

Few marriages are completely free of conflict. Is your fiancée willing to visit a couple's counselor a couple times? Yes, conflict is scary and painful, but sometimes it can be resolved.

Some people break-up out of fear. They are afraid they cannot cope with a challenging situation and they believe running away will solve the problem. Then they sometimes encounter a very similar challenge in their next relationship, all over again!

Of course sometimes breaking up is the right choice.

proofofkeys · 2021-12-18T14:46:45+00:00

My husband and I went through a rough patch like this before we got married and then again 2 years into our marriage. We have now been married for over 5 years and I love him more now than I ever have. I made the best choice of my life by staying.

Stand up for yourself in a respectful way but don’t let him ruin your happiness. Try your best to do chores (knowing one day you won’t have to work) but do explain that it is hard to have the house perfect when you also work full time.

Know that no one’s relationship is perfect 100% of the time. Every one goes through ups and downs. Remind yourself of the things you enjoy about him and try to do things together that you know you both like.

Title	Debating ending it with my fiancée, utterly lost.
Author	lemongrooved
Upvotes	0
Comments	55
Date	December 18, 2021 1:52 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rj7xxy/debating_ending_it_with_my_fiancée_utterly_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/debating-ending-it-with-my-fiancee-utterly-lost.1091828 https://theredarchive.com/post/1091828

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