I’ll try to keep this short. My partner and I (both 24) have been dating for about 3 and half years, lived together most of it, and recently moved to a new place we were looking forward to for a while. He got me out of an abusive relationship, moved countries because I needed to for studies, was my rock when quitting smoking, and helped me loads in all ways. I helped him with his addictions, anxiety, and lack of direction in life. We rarely disagree. He went vegan, is a feminist (and not the liberal pro-porn kind) and is highly educated (both Masters in law). All in all, I respect him dearly, and would draw a firm distinction between him and most men. We are in a fully committed relationship with solid plans for future home ownership and talked-through visions for the future.

However, one area in which I’m increasingly uncomfortable in regards to this relationship are his friends. There was one guy (M) who I always got creepy vibes from, “jokingly sexist” type boasting about his porn preferences and the such. My partner and him knew each other when they were younger, then went to the same school and would sometimes hang out. Then, M got accused of sexual assault by a woman we both briefly knew - she took him to court, and he was found not guilty, but once the genie was out the bottle, M completely gave up any facade, and became way more openly misogynistic, close to boasting about “getting away with it” and was cut off.

However, one person stayed - A, who to my knowledge still speaks to M, and while him and my partner were not too close and my partner doesn’t think highly of him (“a moron to sometimes play basketball with” kinda thing), they do hangout nonetheless. A is just plain stupid. He may not be necessarily a bad person - he’s vegan, climate change activist, pro-immigrant, but those are all just opinions of those who he likes and took lectures from. He is completely incapable of critical thinking of his own, so often ends up with completely contradictory opinions - the things someone genuinely good explained to him, and the ones nobody yet did so he has his own backwards view on, clear distinction.

Me and A got into an argument almost every time we interacted. He’s dating this kind but equally dull pickme who never challenges him on anything it seems. In last of these arguments few days ago, he claimed that there should be no censorship on “art” and kept yelling over me to defend that position. My argument was that male performers such as Eminem or Tyler the Creator have openly misogynistic lyrics, and that if something would be illegal to write in a letter, it should be condemned when be yelled in front of millions. He kept countering that “art should be limitless.” At one point, I brought up the Eminem’s song “Kim” written about his ex wife. TW: violence, gore, murder, all of it. Mind you Eminem was sued for brandishing a weapon on this woman and kept making songs about her for another 10 years. He yelled “who are you to tell him how to grieve?” and “but I bet she got a lot of money in the divorce.” We continued only for a little while before I left in tears.

My partner didn’t join me, and interrupted the conversation only before it got too heated - to tell ME that I’m simplifying the issue! He came home soon after, saying he just tried to debrief and play the Kim song for illustration. A messaged me “heard the song you talked about, I stand by my principles but I can’t defend that song, that’s disgusting” but well, you already did, dumbass- told him I don’t want to see him again and that while he might be just good intentioned stupid, his ignorance is making the world very easy for evil, and blocked him.

I was saddened and shaken after this reminder of me ignorance and depravity, but also that my partner didn’t stand up for me. Not only he expressed the same opinion as me before, he was the one who got me thinking this way instead of the “separate art from the artist.” When he asked what’s wrong, I said I was confused by his behaviour and that I felt alone, or even as I’m fighting 3 people: the aggressor, his dull GF who never blinked an eye on his loud misogyny, and my own boyfriend sitting there I mostly in silence other than when interrupting me with “well that’s simplifying” “that sounds right but is there a research for that tho” or “I think we need to calm down here”

I said not everyone has the privilege to be calm when violence against women comes up. He kept repeating that A is an idiot and I shouldn’t care, and that he only interrupted me on these things because he cares about “both you and the cause” and me calling the guy a misogynist when he made the divorce settlement comment is “simply not effective.” I made it clear I reject the preposition that it is ok me or other women to act nice when attacked by those who’ll rather project any man’s unlimited right to be evil, than women who are victims of those men. I cried when he kept pushing that because I know the guy is stupid, it is on me to present the argument solidly and not alienate him. When I said why didn’t he at least defend me when I started crying in that argument when he says I was clearly in the right, he says that “from A’s and other people’s perspective, just because you’re strongly emotionally impacted doesn’t mean they should abandon their principle, you can’t hold that against people with a straight face” and “so what you expect is unlimited support?” I felt alone, the worst kind of.

The whole day I’ve spent in bed not eating just crying and feeling as low as I haven’t since I’ve left my awful abusive ex. My partner came a few times asking me to at least drink some water or talk but what he said last night made me feel both resentful and like a nuisance. I don’t know what to do. This is very unlike him on all levels, but I’m afraid it is a notable red flag. I’m scared to end up emotionally abused again, I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. My self-defence filters failed me before, but they might be oversensitive now. What do you think?