Dating men who are grieving

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-25T23:02:45+00:00

A HVM will not be dating during such a big life event. A HVM knows it’s time to focus on his mental and emotional health, and will do so in a constructive way involving self-care (which may or may not include counseling). He’s not going to date because he recognizes he’s not in the right headspace to do so.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-25T22:56:51+00:00

HV people don’t consider dating until they are emotionally stable.

thanarealnobody · 2022-02-26T01:18:40+00:00

I’ve dated a freshly grieving man and let me just say that I would NEVER recommend it.

It is so easy to fall into the habit of becoming his caretaker when he’s grieving and it’s such an easy excuse for his behaviour. “Oh, but he’s grieving, he’s hurting” etc.

And I say this as a woman who has been through grief from a young age. Funnily enough, I managed to deal with all myself but men need extra tenderness and care somehow. Women are so enamoured by men who show emotion that we just take all their bullshit as long as they are crying while they’re doing it.

And from my own experience, men want your comfort, your warmth, your body, your support and then when they’ve got themselves together … 👋🏻 bye!

Men don’t like a mirror and when you’ve seen them at their lowest point, they associate you with that.

You were just their rehabilitation centre, the boost he needed, the woman who’s gonna hang around no matter what.

AdmiralRando · 2022-02-26T01:05:19+00:00

One shouldn’t make permanent decisions for at least a year after a big loss. If your new guy is deeply grieving someone, you probably won’t be a permanent decision.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-26T04:13:25+00:00

My rule is never date men in transition. Job, divorce, grief, start up. I’m older though.

warinmymind94 · 2022-02-25T23:34:33+00:00

If this has been someone you've been seeing for a while, and they just lost someone, then it's okay to stay with them provided that they will be seeking the support groups/therapists they need rather than dumping it all on you.

but .... if this is a guy that you recently met or it's early on in the relation then it can be a big red flag ! He should be healed and have done the work BEFORE trying to date again. If it's from a loss that happened a while ago and he's still devastated from it and a wreck it's a massive red flag. In any of these Cases I would dump him. He needs to seek therapy and a support group for grief, not pussy.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-25T22:42:44+00:00

Absolutely steer clear, and give it at least a year or more. I speak as a widow of going on six years. I haven't dated, and honestly haven't tried hard to date, but I'm now way more open to it than I was.

That said, I had done 100% of my grieving way before I even divorced my first husband, and was more than ready to leap back into dating the weekend I separated from him! He was so easy to break from, it was ridiculous. There were just no bonds there, and he made sure of it, with his avoidant attachment style. I had tried so hard, had over-functioned so much, had nearly accepted being a forever girlfriend, bullied him into proposing, then had a true dead bedroom. Nah, I was SO DONE, and good riddance.

With Jack, though, the love of my life, I took a year which became more than that. The grief itself was short-lived, because i experienced anticipatory grief, through his decline over years. By around 2013-14 I knew he wasn't going to stick around long term, so I had those three years to process. That realization shortened the actual grief considerably. However, his estate took most of a year; I was working full-time and had a commute; I was also traveling, and mainly just getting back into the land of the living.

Grief has no timeline, neither does healing. It just happens how it happens, and it isn't set in stone. Bottom line: less than a year, definitely steer clear!

DrildoBagurren · 2022-02-26T12:51:59+00:00

Don't. I did it when I was young and it occurred to me that I wouldn't do the same to anyone else. It makes for an extremely one-sided relationship. Even when he's over the grief, he'll be used to leaning on you without any reciprocation from him.

As other ladies have pointed out, a good person would not be looking to date while mentally not in a sound place. Grieving can make you needy, irrational, prone to lashing out or disassociating, likely to prioritize your own feelings and behave selfishly. He won't be able to focus on the relationship and would probably be using you as an emotional crutch. He potentially may not even have any reason to be with you other than simply needing someone.

Also, depending on the nature of the relationship with the person, you may be compared with them unfavourably and blamed for not being an idealized version of the dead person.

The worst is dating a guy whose previous partner / love interest died. Learned that the hard way (he lied and told me she had been a friend not a partner but whatever they were, he was definitely obsessed with her. So yeah I'd definitely avoid dating a guy whose female friend has recently died. )

I've even heard stories of women (can probably happen to men too obviously) both irl and online who have married a man whose first wife died more than a decade prior to their new relationship. They still haven't gotten over the dead partner and she will often come up in fights. This situation is just not worth the risk IMO.

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-26T06:22:52+00:00

He’s not in a position to date.

scorchedsouI · 2022-02-26T07:14:37+00:00

If he's temporarily emotionally unstable then he's temporarily not a HVM as far as women are concerned.

KetoKittenAround · 2022-02-26T02:34:57+00:00

Depends on how long you have been dating and how serious you are.

I’ll say this as someone who truly knows, grieving doesn’t give you a pass to treat anyone like shit. It is not a free pass to abuse.

If it’s new I’d stay in my own lane and like a nature watcher. We will ALL experience GREAT loss of we live long enough. All of us.

Id keep a healthy distance if not already in a relationship. Just how I’d expect in return if it were me in that same situation.

wonkyeyes8877 · 2022-02-26T02:43:36+00:00

It depends on which relative and how recent. And what exactly makes him emotionally unstable? Does he just cry when he talks about them or is it so severe that he cannot go about his normal life?

A man whose uncle died four months ago and the thought of him brings tears to his eyes is one thing. A man whose wife died a year ago and he's "getting back into the dating scene" is another. That's not a HVM. Not even close.

oddcharm · 2022-02-26T12:34:55+00:00

Hi, I’m someone who just lost their mother at the beginning of February. Wondering if I could PM someone about grieving and healing

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-26T15:00:14+00:00

Dating men who are grieving

=not a good idea. it's almost as bad as dating someone right after their breakup.

motokos_ghost · 2022-02-26T20:40:31+00:00

my zvm ex's dad died 2 years into our relationship, he treated me like absolute shit while greiving. he ignored me for days while starting to follow new girls/sex workers on ig. when i told him what he was doing was hurting me, he basically told me " you know my dad just died right???" he broke up with me on messenger of all places and hopped on tinder immediately.

Title	Dating men who are grieving
Author	LallieDoo
Upvotes	114
Comments	22
Date	February 25, 2022 10:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t1gjb5/dating_men_who_are_grieving/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dating-men-who-are-grieving.1102926 https://theredarchive.com/post/1102926

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