Men who give unsolicited feedback during dating?

ewokblubber · 2022-01-30T22:56:01+00:00

Negging! You're being negged!

There's this misconception that 'negging' is just straight-up insults. That's a misunderstanding that has arisen because so many men are to terrible at using this 'technique' that our cultural understanding of it has shifted.

Originally, 'negging' referred to compliments that were designed to get you off-kilter. Things like "I isually prefer redheards, but you look amazing as a blonde" or 'You cook so well. I'd pick you over a Victoria's Secret model just for your cooking'. Subtle little barbs inserted into otherwise positive statements that effectively mean "You're not enough, you depend on my approval, I'm not really into you, but I'll make an exception for you because you do X so well- so keep doing X and keep trying to be perfect for me by fulfilling all my desires, or I won't love you anymore'.

That's what's happening here! You're receiving conditional compliments intended to influence your behaviour! This is negging! DUMP HIM!

Platipus6 · 2022-01-30T23:35:50+00:00

Negging and manipulation.

Also a type of verbal abuse. Check out "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

making statements that attempt to define their partners’ inner world for them.

That is, characterizing their partner’s motives, needs, feelings, and even very natures in their own terms.

For example: “You’re trying to start a fight.” (motive)

“You just want to be right.” (want)

“You don’t feel that way.” (feeling)

“You’re too sensitive.” (nature)

Abusers make these statements as if they were gods, as if they lived within their partner’s body/mind/soul, and actually knew these things to be true!

Telling you all about yourself, and then praising what they've made up, in an attempt to get you to continue doing what they like, instead of shutting their holes while you be yourself.

Soon it turns into warnings about things their ex did, and how they appreciate you're not like that. You're afraid to do xyz because his ex did (completely rational thing), but he's set you up to never (enforce a boundary, complain in public, demand kind treatment, expect caretaking when you're ill).

Also a bit of "checking the hooves and teeth like you're cattle". Like he's at auction and he's inspecting you and verbalizing his approval of you as breeding stock like you're not even there.

thewetdog_ · 2022-01-30T23:35:56+00:00

Negging, or preemptively triangulating your with a fantasy version of yourself so you always work to live up to it.

In this case it’s a neg by saying: game show buzz sound wrong response, try again.

ConstantNurse · 2022-01-30T22:35:01+00:00

It’s a tactic to get you to try to win their approval by making you insecure.

I would respond with his “job application” response with: Under further evaluation, it has been determined that your unique skill sets would not be a complimentary asset to the company. Have a nice day!

millennialpink2000 · 2022-01-30T21:57:06+00:00

It's a tactic to assert dominance and keep you vying for their approval. They ARE judging you and trying to put themselves above you, you're right to feel uncomfortable by it.

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-01-30T21:56:26+00:00

That example is classic negging.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-01-30T21:59:26+00:00

It’s not just you. Sometimes I’ve said “I don’t actually need your approval”. 🤣

It’s not all about catering to their likes. But I think these comments create dependency for those who don’t have firm boundaries.

Definitely sits wrong.

edelbiatch · 2022-01-30T22:25:09+00:00

All men who did this to me turned out to be manipulative and narcissistic

whitefox00 · 2022-01-30T23:42:54+00:00

Sounds like this guy I work with. He likes me, I am not interested. But he’s trying so hard to mold me into what he wants. For instance, he’s really into sports, I’m more artistic. The other day his comment was “I’m going to get you to watch a football game whether you like it or not.” He’s also big on the gym and has started making negative comments on my weight (around 115 lbs) and how it would be beneficial to me to start going to the gym like he does every morning.

Now that I’m older and have been introduced to FDS the manipulation tactics are SO obvious.

spicyspa · 2022-01-31T00:12:04+00:00

If you ever stop to think and wonder, drop his ass like chocolate thunder.

glitterandspark · 2022-01-30T22:19:21+00:00

They’re self centered and spoiled. They share feedback expecting you to act on it because everyone else in their lives do.

savedempath · 2022-01-31T01:09:51+00:00

It's rude lol. When guys do that it's mean. Its supposed to be a tactic. I find it highly immature and just off-putting I need positive vibes.

melympia · 2022-01-30T22:03:34+00:00

You're feeling uncomfortable because the example you got was covert negging. You weren't sounding enthusiastic and emotional enough for him, thus the "job application cover letter" barb being thrown your way.

And I don't have to go into what negging is and does to your self-esteem, do I?

Best answer (apart from block and delete):

No, this was not the end of an application letter. It was the end of an answer to an application letter: "We are sorry to inform you that we found someone else to fill the position of date. We wish you good luck for your future endeavors, and hope to never hear from you again." Then block&delete.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2022-01-30T22:00:33+00:00

Best part is when roles are reversed they can't stand it and are quick to lash out or hope you'll think "ok mum" is as much of a sick burn as they envision in their minds.

lolmemberberries · 2022-01-30T22:45:51+00:00

It's negging.

_mooness · 2022-01-31T14:26:12+00:00

This behavior makes me feel like I’m some performative pet under constant scrutiny. It’s used by confused males who think members of their sex are the pickers of sexual partners. No scrote, you’re the only performative pet here.

mandoa_sky · 2022-01-31T05:07:08+00:00

it puts me off too - like they barely know me in person and already make weird judgements

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-01-30T23:43:42+00:00

Unsolicited advice has always been a hard no for me. I am way too assertive and independent for that shit.

The last relationship I had before the (very happy and healthy) the one I’m currently in, he had a lot of that going on; would always tell me what I “should” be doing, and how I should be doing it.

I definitely didn’t shut it down the way I always had, because I was having a weird “I’ll do things differently” moment, and it was a huge mistake and waste of fucking time.

He once tried to lightly joke about his habit of talking to me this way, and told me that he wasn’t “mansplaining,” he talked to everyone this way, men and women alike. That it didn’t signify a lack of respect for me, more that he was compelled to explain everything to everyone, and he was thankful that I’d never argued with him about it and just let him do it.

I responded by telling him that I already knew this, and it actually wasn’t annoying at all, because when he started one of his ‘splaining sessions, that I tuned him out the same way I did Christmas music when I shop in December.

It wasn’t the pick-me response he’d expected, for sure.

Those men are always a mess.

Keepers12345 · 2022-01-31T04:15:08+00:00

Negging

LysistrataRises · 2022-01-31T04:46:31+00:00

"Feel free to consider it the end to a rejection letter, byeeeeeeeeee!"

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-01-30T23:42:49+00:00

Awww….it’s so cute they think you’d actually care.

scorchedsouI · 2022-01-31T09:58:17+00:00

Men who ruin the vibes even a little are pos. No need to think about it further than that. He ruined the vibes? Block.

throwaway-fds · 2022-01-31T13:50:17+00:00

Because a normal response would be "same here, I can't wait to see you!" and not criticizing you. Treat yourself to something nice, because your gut just saved you from a manipulative LVM!

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-01-30T22:32:11+00:00

For me, it depends on the vibe I got when I was with him. If I had the feeling he was snobby, the job app remark wouldn’t sit well with me. If we had a lot of good banter, I might take it as an attempt at a joke (and most likely reply, “We appreciate your interest, and will keep your application in our pool for six months should anything arise that fits your skill set.”)

bepbep747 · 2022-01-31T23:26:29+00:00

I had a guy criticize my eye makeup on the first date. There was no second date.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2022-01-31T03:58:31+00:00

I would just unmatch. It’s kind of rude.

Antique_Fortune6974 · 2022-01-31T06:13:15+00:00

I've picked up on this too. Nowadays I am more likely to say that I don't care,or its not about what they want me to do.

Reminds me of when people say "Do you know what I want you to?" Especially when its a decision you have to make for yourself and that's all about you. I just find it so repulsive, especially if I just started talking to this person. Like you don't know me from a hole in the ground.

I remember when i was doing OLD and was talking to this guy about why I stopped talking to the past guys I was talking to. Random things,not listing them from bad to worse,and this guy had the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't had "thrown in the towel" so soon without "giving them a chance" . Like excuse me? Who are you to tell me that? My wild guess was that if he knew that he knew I wasn't gonna tolerate the little bs with them, I wasn't gonna tolerate his,so he thought negging me to "remold" me so that he "could get a chance " was the solution.

They really do tell on themselves.... Or he also knew he was just like the rest of the bad apples and instead of taking my word for it, tried to have me give then the "benefit of the doubt " .. Like no thanks..

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Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-02-02T23:22:51+00:00

I had a scrote tell dump me then proceed to give me a list of reasons why lol he tried hahaha I just left cut him off and left.

FDS-GFY · 2022-02-04T05:15:58+00:00

I hate judgmental people. Curiosity is sexy.

Anyone with such close mindedness can launch themselves into the sun.

Title	Men who give unsolicited feedback during dating?
Author	LallieDoo
Upvotes	574
Comments	37
Date	January 30, 2022 9:53 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sgk1an/men_who_give_unsolicited_feedback_during_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-who-give-unsolicited-feedback-during-dating.1098844 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098844

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