Pre-Divorce Advise

RideATX · 2022-06-24T14:16:07+00:00

Do not move out. No matter what. DO NOT MOVE OUT. It's the number 1 mistake men make during a divorce. You are giving up all of your leverage if you do that. She will have everything she wants. House, kids & dogs without you, except you will continue paying the bills. If you move out, you are screwed.

https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

Freefaller6 · 2022-06-24T14:28:04+00:00

Do not move out. Make her move out, get a job and pay her own rent. Because when (not if) this winds up in divorce, you will owe her a fucking fortune if she doesn’t have income. Right now you are paying for one family one house. If she does t work, expect to at least double that expense, not to mention you will have to give her half of all your investments, retirement, etc. dont fight that feeling; it took me a while to come to grips with it but thats a fact! You absolutely must stay in the house and make her get a job to pay her own rent. She needs to stop being a fucking freeloading bitch!

If you don’t do this, you are setting yourself up to be fucked. I promise!

RideATX · 2022-06-24T14:32:38+00:00

I was just going to give you the don't move out advice, but I was compelled to come back because you don't have any idea what's about to happen.

Redirect you pay check into an account only you control, keep paying all the bills and for kids stuff. If she wants to do anything or buy anything for herself she needs to get a job and make money. Transfer at least half of the balance on your joint checking / savings into the account you created that only you control. (It needs to be at a different bank). You are no longer her walking ATM.
Change all passwords.
Her saying move out and lets date and see if we can find the spark again is complete manipulation. It's bullshit, she just wants you out. There is a .00001% chance you can make it work. The only path to that, is that you quit giving a fuck about her. Focus on you, improve yourself. Workout, get in great shape, go do things and socialize without her. If she is at an event with you, ignore her, be the life of the party to everyone else. Be interesting, become someone she aspires to, not the boring husband she's had for the last however many years. Again, this probably won't work but it's your only shot.
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover
Be super dad to your kids, know everything about their lives. Dr's names, teachers names, schedule, friends etc.
Read the list. https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=15642

Good luck & God speed brother.

jimsmythee · 2022-06-24T15:09:44+00:00

Here is the deal. She wants to stay in the house. That's great. Her contribution to the household bills? $0. Once you move out? She's going to double her contribution and it will still be $0. She's going to dump all of the bills on you and then you're going to have your own household expenses to cover as well.

But in reality, if she plays the "unemployed wife who needs to stay in the home with the kids" card, you might get forced out. In that case? Advise your STBXW that you will Pay the mortgage, but NOTHING ELSE. Let the cable get turned off. Let the internet get turned off. Let the power get turned off. Preserve your interest in the home. Force her to get another source of income Other Than your job.

anonmdivy · 2022-06-24T17:58:11+00:00

Dude, aside from the "Don't move out" pattern you can see forming...DON'T MOVE OUT.

playerknowmore · 2022-06-24T17:00:02+00:00

Divorce is supposed to be hard. It isn't meant to be amicable. Take love out of the equation and treat it like it is; a legal transaction. Get the best lawyer you can and follow instructions.

You and your wife don't seem like you really want to divorce so one of you needs to be scared straight. Three years ago I was in your shoes. Got the settlement drawn up and showed her the numbers. My wife made twenty grand less, so no spousal support and child support was low. When we went over the numbers we both would be able to live, but my oldest got into Princeton. No way we could afford that separately. We compromised and stayed together

Make sure you get the limits on spousal support; since you will definitely pay it. Make a logical argument that she is not only killing her dreams, but at some point the cash cow will die off. A lot of places put a cap on spousal support. So if she cannot make her dream come true in three years; it is on her. It is a point of pride to some women to not to have to work. She may need to be shook from the fairly tale

hotantipasta · 2022-06-24T14:30:09+00:00

Don't move out, that gives up any leverage that you have. You need to talk to an attorney before cutting off anything as many judges like to maintain the status quo. That and she has no motivation to move the divorce forward if she has the house, kids and dogs to herself. She'll also need to be able to afford the house if she keeps it and that will be difficult given that she doesn't have a job. She needs to understand that she is going to have to get a "soul crushing" job to support herself. Get an attorney and follow their advice.

MathForPay · 2022-06-24T15:23:09+00:00

Do not move out. Even if you are at fault for anything you aren’t telling us, do not move out. Unless a court orders you to do so, do not move out. Whatever else is going on, the advice everyone else has given you is in the best interest of your future financial self. You may feel guilt, shame, etc. None of it will matter when you’re broke. Do not move out.

stent00 · 2022-06-24T19:26:53+00:00

She dosent have a job and can't even qualify for a mortgage. She can't stay in the house. You can keep if you pay her her share. She's dusional if she thinks she can have the house with no job... I fought with my ex for a year because she thought she too could keep the house with my child support money. But it's not enough.

TheBoyBand · 2022-06-24T20:39:27+00:00

What everyone said… and someones lined up!

Eve-3 · 2022-06-24T23:01:05+00:00

Everyone has already told you not to move out and I deed you shouldn't.

Your wife has no income. She's come up with this brilliant (/s) idea of separating and dating. Did her plan include how this would be funded or is she completely in fantasyland?

If you go the separation route make sure to do it legally. Have a document drawn up stating not only who lives where but who is required to pay for it and that you are not giving up your stake in any assets by moving. Also figure out custody. You think you know what you want and you agree but if you don't make it official then it can change and then what? Protect yourself, make it legal. And once it's legal it is safe for you to move out. Though it doesn't sound like a good idea considering your lab and home office.

Someone else suggested a separate bank account. Definitely do that and that's where your paycheck goes. Transfer money to the joint account to cover reasonable expenses. If you cut her off completely it is sadly considered financial abuse and you'll get in trouble for that. This is also a reason to specify in your agreement who pays for what. Then you know exactly how much to deposit and she's agreed to it too so there's no abuse accusation possible.

Please realize separation almost always leads to divorce. Begging and pleading will only push her further away. Prepare yourself mentally.

4478933aaff · 2022-06-25T02:08:15+00:00

RECORD EVERYTHING

pegleg_legal · 2022-06-25T03:54:52+00:00

She’s probably chasing something else that starts with a D. I would begin behaving strategically, immediately. She seems like the type who will abandon everything for the freedom to go be her. Hard pass on giving her the house. Either stay there with her or convince her to leave. Let her come and go as she pleases for a while. Prepare yourself and then file. Don’t get overly legalistic now, it’s pointless and will put her antennae up. Be smart, get the kids. Let the bird fly free.

jalopkoala · 2022-06-24T21:02:50+00:00

Just because always worried our boys here aren’t listening. Don’t. Move. Out.

derelictherds · 2022-06-24T21:04:43+00:00

So your wife doesn't work, doesn't want to work, and wants you to move out. Who do you think will be expected to fund all of this?

Schedule some time with an experienced lawyer before moving forward. Any agreements made outside of court won't mean jack shit if either of you decide to renege later. Cutting access to money could motivate her to seek employment, but be ready for a shit show the moment you do this. Don't move out and seriously talk to a lawyer asap. Now is not the time to be cheap, DIY, or to make a statement because you don't like divorce attorneys.

Also, you might check into legal separation(separate maintenance). This apparently works differently depending on where you live, but I divorced in a state where legal separation is basically divorce minus the actual legal termination of marriage - meaning everything was settled (including property, custody, support, etc) and signed/ordered by the court before physical separation occurred. In short it was like I was divorced, but could be walked back at any point so reconciliation was still on the table. The ex was also allowed to stay on my insurance which made legal separation an easier sell for me. I was able to "convert" the separate maintenance decree to final divorce decree 18 months later without having to go through the negotiation/settlement process again. Others claim this isn't allowed/possible so it's probably another one of those things that vary by state. Best of luck to you

strangerthaaang · 2022-06-25T02:20:06+00:00

Stay in the home. Get her to leave. Cut her off. Force her to get a job. Get as much physical custody of your children as possible.

She already made the decision to divorce you when it works out best for her. She doesn’t care about you. She has moved on. She just is trying to avoid conflict.

Late-Kangaroo6081 · 2022-06-25T08:36:01+00:00

You don't have to continue to deposit your earnings into the joint account. You can put them into an individual account in your name. But you will have to give her a reasonable allowance. If you peremptorily downsize her lifestyle with no change otherwise in your financial condition or your lifestyle, and you two file for divorce, the judge will take a very dismal view of you that will redound negatively through your divorce.

The idea of a drawing up a memorandum of understanding is good, but you will find that things will evolve and change so it is best that you two have verbal understanding that you can memorialize.

Title	Pre-Divorce Advise
Author	YellowLT
Upvotes	7
Comments	30
Date	June 24, 2022 1:30 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vjoihe/predivorce_advise/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pre-divorce-advise.1120215 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120215

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