EDIT: at the top because it's important. I am NOT saying that child sex abuse is acceptable or consensual in any way. When I use the term "pair bonding" I am referring to how I have understood red pill communities to use the term:based biologically on the hormones released during sex.

I understand this may be uncomfortable for some to accept but oxytocin is often released during rape, including during childhood. Bodily functions similar to adult orgasms do happen to children during assault. Sometimes they actually prevent injury. Part of the reason child sex abuse is so deeply painful is because there are often feelings of pleasure associated with the abuse, not just feelings of fear. I don't know how this isn't more commonly talked about, but apparently this is news to many here.

Anyways, again, I do NOT condone child sex abuse, would never tell a victim how to count their body count, etc. But for my personal circumstance I acknowledge my body paired strongly with my father for the sake of survival. That doesn't take away the pleasure piece. It may disgust others, but this is my reality. I am trying to move forward, make healthier sexual choices, and ideally find a partner who actually loves me. END EDIT.

My number is 8 (about).

I have read Red Pill content on and off for years, though more recently began to dive heavily into it. I try to take good care of myself and my appearance-I eat plant based, do yoga/pilates 3-5 times per week, dress modestly, wear makeup but in a way that looks more natural. My waist-to-hip ratio is 7.2, I'm 5'1 and weigh 118 lbs. I've been told by others I'm about a 6 or a 7, though I'd say I'm a 3 without makeup, a 4 with makeup and a nice dress on.

I love reading and learning about anything new. Anything intellectually engaging grabs my attention. I do have a Master's level education, though I've become less generous with this information after realizing it may be a turnoff. Gardening has been a wonderful past-time and eventually I hope I can grow a good percentage of my own food. I also really love animals and have a few pets. I have always wanted children and I've absolutely always wanted to adopt. If for some reason I cannot physically have children, but can adopt, I do believe this will be just as fulfilling.

While there are many things I love, I have done pretty poorly in the area of relationships. I have no female friends and really struggle to make them. I am trying to get back into dating, but am honestly at a loss as to how to do it properly. For a woman of 27 with an n-count of 8, I feel like I'm unattractive to a lot of men. I either have too much education, am getting too old for child-bearing (if a man needs a few years before getting married, then at least a few years after for children, that could 6-10 years before even trying). Again, I'm fine if I don't have any biological children. But I know most men aren't and I fear a man will divorce me after realizing I can't have his children that late.

I do watch a lot of RP content geared towards women (YT-realfemsapien, justpearlythings, SAHM channels, etc.), though I often leave recognizing that I'm part of the "leftovers" they talk about. How do I build from here? Is there anything I can do that will make a man less repulsed? Do I just not tell him about my past-including childhood? Or if he asks, build a deeper conversation around it, instead of just a straight number?

All of this being said I recognize that my history is not that of a HVW (though I guess it's debatable if HVW even exist). I do not need a wealthy, ridiculously attractive man. I do hope for a decent man where we are attracted to one another and love each other. But at my age and with my history, I question if this is a possibility.

Any Advice on moving forward with dating, with the goal of hopefully marrying by 30-32? What do I need to do differently? Should I put relationships on hold? Wait x amount of time before sex? I don't want to be manipulative or selfish and I'm not religious, so I don't think it would be fair to ask a man to wait until marriage. Should I give up online dating? Then where are the best places in person? Or should I accept being alone as the most probably reality? Are there any redpill materials on coping with life as a long-term single woman? I don't want to become overly jealous or resentful of happy couples simply because it wasn't for me.

For more specifics on my past relationships/encounters:

First partner was my father, ages 3-5. These were the most intense sexual experiences, the only times I could climax, and obviously have impacted me throughout my life.

I had a friend (female) from 20-21 who was interested in threesomes with her boyfriends (2 separate times). I engaged in some kissing and top touching, but nothing with genitals. They just engaged one another from there. (This is the "about" I'm referring to).

Second partner was when I was 22. I was very religious from 10-18 until I still started losing trust in the Christian church (though still having faith in God). So I was open to sex before marriage but wanted to take it slow. The guy was pretty pushy, expecting me to provide oral on park benches, etc. I naively allowed him to stay the night with me after I had been drinking and woke up having sex with him. I take full accountability for my behavior and don't consider what he did to be assault at all. I gave him oral a couple times, told him I was interested in an LTR, then stopped hearing from him.

Third partner was my first real boyfriend. I was 23 and didn't sleep with him until after moving in with him. We were together a year. We broke up because I told him about my upbringing. He said it would take him a long time to get over hearing about my relationship with my dad. I thought it was important to tell him, but didn't think it would have such a negative effect.

Next was a casual relationship. We had been friends for a few years, having met at work. I stopped seeing him when I began dating again. I went on a few dates with a guy I grew to really like. He was a veteran, in school for healthcare, we had a lot in common, and I felt he was very gentlemanly. I gave him oral and we would have had PIV, but the condom ruined his arousal.

My second actual boyfriend was the man I genuinely thought I would marry. He was 23 yrs my senior, a divorced father of 2, and someone who seemed to have learned from cheating and deeply regretted it. We were together about a year. I was going away to visit family and very accidentally seen his phone with texts inviting a woman and 1-2 random men to our apartment while I was gone. There were lots of photos exchanged over some time including a photo that included part of his naked body and part of my naked body. I felt very betrayed, as I had told him in the beginning I understand sometimes men need additional women and this is something I was open to talking about. I also was clear that I did not want any pictures or videos of me exchanged without my permission. He kept telling me, "I'm sorry she texted me, what was I supposed to do?" "It meant nothing." "I didn't do anything with other photos/videos." I at least expected him to talk to me about feeling unfulfilled sexually and we could work through this. But he denied doing anything hurtful to me and acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. So I broke up with him and kicked him out.

My next partner was casual. I had known him for around 7 years, knew his family very well, and had spent a lot of time with him prior that involved nothing sexual. He is the one I have been most comfortable with, felt the safest with, and the only one who has been honest with me. He does not want a relationship. It's hard for me to accept, but I do understand and I don't blame him. We still occasionally talk as friends.

The last partner is my biggest regret and I do expect some judgment at some point. I have always known I'm bisexual, but only romantically attracted to men. I went back on a dating app and found a married woman who is also bisexual but only hetero-romantic. I made it very clear that I will only be involved in this if her husband is aware and fully on-board because, while this may be unconventional for some married couples, any married couples vows are something I do find to be sacred and between only them. I met both of them in person, we talked, had a lot in common. I asked if there were any reservations whatsoever and they both were very clear that they had none. They had talked about this many times over the years they had been together. We did hookup, the guy was only focused on her, and she was very, very focused on having me climax-which my body has not been able to do since I was a young child. So I respectfully said I needed to head back home and would talk later, while they continued having fun with each other. There were a few texts back and forth with her apologizing for being pushy, me saying I understood, and us both saying we would like to hang out again, including non-sexually. I told her I accidentally brought home a piece of her clothing (it was dark) and asked if we could exchange when she had the chance. About a day later she responded that her and her husband had a little disagreement, that it wasn't my fault, and that yes we could definitely exchange the clothing. I gave her some space, but after two more texts over about a week I realized she probably blocked me. I just mailed her clothing back to her.

The last encounter has left me feeling deeply ashamed. Going into it, and during, everything seemed fine. Everyone was on board, there was no dishonesty, I was a toy in the bedroom but a person outside. But since then I've wavered between feeling like I ruined a marriage to thinking I've just been used and they probably do this frequently to women.