Fiance wants to exercise his options but I don't want to be cheated on

LivelyLychee · 2022-07-28T03:24:23+00:00

Hi RPW:

This is a tricky subject matter that is almost certainly going to be controversial here. That being said, a reminder that “leave him”, “run”, “drop him guuuurl,” “don’t look back,” or whatever other low-effort one-liner is never supposed to be the first option here.

This is OP’s fiancé and her relationship at stake. A quippy little line, especially from an internet stranger who has no real consequences for what happens to OP if she does “run”, ultimately isn’t actionable or good advice for women who want to build lasting and happy relationships with a great man. There are ways to give thoughtful advice that mentions leaving him as a dire or last resort. There are other ways to highlight potential incompatibilities in values or goals. Comments that do that have been left up.

However, that should never come before more reasonable approaches like communication or bringing your SO your problem about it. Everything in violation of this rule has been and will be removed.

KombuchaEnema · 2022-07-28T02:34:18+00:00

If he casually brought that up, that’s a massive concern.

Asking your partner for a hall pass is a big deal. It’s not a subject you take lightly even in polyamorous relationships.

This appears to be a matter of disregard for your feelings versus a genuine desire to practice ethical (keyword: ethical) nonmonogamy.

Definitely take a pause and ask him to go into depth with this. Don’t let him treat it lighthearted. He should know he’s treading thin ice here and he should be treating this discussion with the gravity it deserves.

sweetlady03 · 2022-07-28T10:44:52+00:00

This is harsh and probably won’t be taken well here, but I’m in a marriage that’s picture perfect except for repeated infidelity by my husband. He’s wonderful in every other way. But it’s destroyed my mental health, I’m constantly paranoid, I cry daily just randomly, I’m so depressed, I’ve started hating everything about myself. It’s the most miserable thing I’ve ever endured. I wish I had left the first time he ever hinted at being unfaithful, before we were even married. I wish I had walked away and never looked back. It’s too late for me, but you aren’t married yet. You have a chance to run for the hills screaming bloody murder and I suggest you do. Good luck and God’s speed. I’ll be praying for you, and praying that I’m wrong about your situation.

EDIT: thank you to everyone for your care, support, and even an award. I didn’t expect this, and I greatly appreciate it. You ladies are so strong and beautiful, I love you all, and hope you find wonderful success in all your relationships and families.

MiracleMorni · 2022-07-28T14:40:35+00:00

I don’t think it is ‘red pill’ at all to let your partner sleep with other women. Having said that, I would communicate your boundary to him which is: it is not acceptable to you. If he is not willing to respect this you have decide for yourself if this means the end or not. Hope you will be able to navigate this tricky situation. Sending love

tifftack14 · 2022-07-28T02:31:35+00:00

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tifftack14 · 2022-07-28T02:33:50+00:00

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2022-07-28T14:13:53+00:00

This is reflective of incredibly different values. You don't even have to think of it in terms of who's "right" and who's "wrong", but whether or not this is a lifestyle you want to live. If he were bringing this up after 15 years of marriage, I'd be more inclined to suggest that he's bored or going through some kind of midlife episode, but before you've committed, he's told you he's not interested in monogamy. Even if you don't consider that a bait and switch, it's tantamount to telling you in the 11th hour that he doesn't want to marry at all or that he never wants kids. It will completely change the marriage you said yes to and you need to decide if you can be okay with that. It doesn't sound like you can.

If you plan to sit down and discuss this, it's one of the very few situations where I'd suggest throwing all talks of being submissive or him being in charge out the window. This isn't about whether to buy a new or used car. It's about morality and fidelity and how far apart you fall on the spectrum. You don't have to be the good little housewife in this conversation. You have to be clear and find out what this means for your relationship. It is entirely fair to tell him that you are 100% not on board and that you will not marry him if he can not promise to be faithful, (as you said in your post when you called it a dealbreaker). You don't have to be a shrew to be firm, but you do have to be firm.

One other thing you need to consider: can you be okay with the fact that he'd even suggest this? It's okay if the answer is no, but if it is, you need to accept that now. If he agrees to be faithful and drop this idea, you can't go into marriage with a grudge or massive insecurities about it.

If you're just looking for a personal opinion, like others have shared, I could not marry this man after a comment like this, unless he profusely apologized and assured me he felt differently.

TheRealVolk · 2022-07-28T12:23:24+00:00

At least he’s being honest that he will likely eventually lose interest and won’t be loyal to you.

hannita · 2022-07-28T05:29:10+00:00

Him saying he wants to exercise his options when you two are already engaged shows immense immaturity on his part and lack of respect for you. He doesn't seem to know what he wants at the last minute. you're right it would not be wise to bring in children with a man who wants to mess around like a teenager still, what often happens is the woman is left to be a single mom. What if he contracts an STD? How much effort and time is he putting into "exercising options" often times it's a lot and almost like a full time job chasing other women to sleep with and get to know them even as a friend that is comfortable to sleep with him. From what I've seen normally it is men who don't make that much job wise who exercise their options constantly. If they used that same energy on acquiring better education or skills, they'd probably be rich.

his choice of words also seems like he isn't sure he wants to be with you.

submissive doesn't mean you have to be a push over. you have values and that is admirable, people respect others with values and morals, if you easily agreed to his request he probably would easily leave you for someone else because it would say something negative about you if you can easily switch your morals on and off.

something like this you need to put your foot down and calmly explain why this is an important boundary for you. your man should respect you. if he doesn't then you really should rethink things. Him bringing this up so casually at this point in the relationship already seems like a big disrespect. I think you need to take time to really consider is this the man you really think he is, because he doesn't seem like someone who deserves your 99% respect. you want a man with strong values. I think people under estimate how attractive having strong values that you sticks to makes someone.

edit: as a woman i believe it is veerrry important to look for a man who has strong values similar to your own. it shows that they are well grounded and not easily manipulated. a man who doesn't can be manipulated easily. which can be bad when raising a family and not really the type of person you can rely on to provide . not someone you can lean on. which is why you don't feel comfortable bringing kids in to the world with someone who wants to mess around still. this is normal, this is instincts, your gut letting you know this man is not in a position to be someone you can lean on. People brush off emotions often but a man should value your emotions. yes don't be chaotic but you're not being crazy at all to set these boundaries. even the bible says a man should treat his woman like a precious vase. she is fragile and delicate but adored. right now he is not treating you that way.

Due_Practice8634 · 2022-07-28T07:33:11+00:00

Ask him if he wants an open relationship....or is he the only one allowed to sleep around in this scenario. Also agree about the no kids part...what a mess to for them to deal with- "mommy is daddy going to read us a bedtime story"...."no timmy, hes banging Pam".

This here is your defining relationship moment. Either you'll make a boundary that works for YOU and you will stick to it or he'll just treat yalls relationship however he wishes forever.

Luscious-Grass · 2022-07-28T11:49:18+00:00

I’m not sure I agree there is anything red pill about cheating? You DO NOT need to accept cheating in order to have a high quality partner. There really are men with character well-worth being married to who will not cheat. If that is your preference, you should own that and act accordingly.

KeenKaiser · 2022-07-28T11:18:59+00:00

The word is communication. If this is a deal breaker for you. You better tell him or you will resent him and stop respecting him and everything will finish in a toxic relationship. Agreement and boundaries are essentials in a relationship.

TradesforChurros · 2022-07-28T09:28:26+00:00

I think this is the major downside of the red pill philosophy. Modern men are not the men that did all this back in the day, and surely the wives of old wouldn’t approve of their husband’s 6 extramarital kids, if they had known about it. Modern day women have too many options and guys have too few. They are ready to sleep with any girl that gives them attention, and us women can hop from husband to husband with little consequences. I think its natural for a guy to want to sleep with a lot of women, but we civilize ourselves and take the nuclear family route because its better for everyone, the kids, society, etc.It’s a stoic exercise He needs to be realistic and realize everything has a cost, and his animalistic nature is not fit for living a civilized life. He will have lots of problems if he chooses to live a life like that, you can’t really have both. Modern day a decent girl is going to expect some degree of his understanding of this. Doesn’t mean he will stop desiring more partners though, so idk… my husband and i have talked about this a lot. I think its just the male vs female dichotomy. Even my friends who have grown up in poly households say the wives get jealous lol

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-07-28T16:58:31+00:00

He made a comment about him exercising his options and fucking other women.

and

It wasn't brought up until after the fact I said yes to marry him.

So it seems that the two of your were in an exclusive relationship that you both agreed to, yes? I would assume so as you describe him as your "fiancé", but it's important as some couples have "understandings". If you do not have such and understanding and he has agreed to be monogamous then he doesn't have options to "exercise".

I inquire because I do not live a monogamous lifestyle but I am 100% up front about that with ladies from the jump. Some "nope" out (free country), some are like: "Challenge: Accepted!" and hope I will change my mind later, and some say, "Ooh. Can I help choose them? And can we um, 'do stuff'?"

So, while one might expect me to side with the man, here, assuming that what I have written above is accurate, I am 100% Team Girl on this one. He clearly isn't ready to be married. You need to sit him down and have a chat.

Out of curiosity how old are the two of you, and is there some secret cultural influence, such as "We're both from the Island Nation of East Gnu, where this is commonplace, and the dudes all have side chicks"?

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-07-28T09:32:36+00:00

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WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2022-07-28T15:52:49+00:00

It sounds like this wasn’t a discussion between the two of you, seems like it was kind of a demand from him. Is this normally how your conversations go?

Very poor communication wise if it played out the way you describe it. Also I don’t think that’s really part of Red Pill believe to cheat on your wife? I guess I haven’t read in a long time but I am pretty sure that’s not a staple of the belief system.

tifftack14 · 2022-07-28T03:32:17+00:00

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2022-07-28T11:45:22+00:00

It sounds as though you are more upset that he waited to ask until you were "locked in" by engagement. What are you feeling about all this? I'm asking because you should get everything in your head calm before you approach him about it.

If you go into the conversation angry then he won't feel like he can be honest. You want honest. You want him to feel like he can tell you what he's thinking on the topic. Be curious and interested. You can take time to process whatever he says and have Part 2 if you need to.

Obviously a discussion needs to be had.

Men desiring multiple women is a red pill truth but that does not mean that all men do it. You won't stop him from looking but respect for you and the relationship should stop a good man from acting.

In your position I'd want to know if this is something that he always felt or if it's an idea that he's picked up from RP content. I'd want to know if he felt like it was inevitable that he would need this hallpass. I'd want to know why he has been so engaged with RP lately, is there something missing in your dynamic. Does he desire a poly lifestyle or is this a one time thing he is talking about.

There is probably more that you want to know too. And I wouldn't let him get away with blaming it on drunkenness.

Ask, listen, be curious. Then think hard about whether this man and the relationship he is proposing is what you want. You don't seem to be as upset by the ask as when he asked. Maybe you can be ok with a hallpass, maybe you can't. I don't think that now is the time to make that decision. First you need to really get a feel for where he is coming from and you want him to be upfront and honest. The best way to do this is to be calm and understanding not going in with the intention to set boundaries immediately. There is time for that after you have his side.

jenkoo98 · 2022-07-28T17:48:10+00:00

I’ll also point out that the fact that he wants to “exercise his options” is telling you exactly how he feels about you- you are just an option to him.

brushshstrokes · 2022-07-28T05:20:33+00:00

An RP perspective on this is that he's saying this to promote Dread. Dread is the process of instilling danger/fear in a woman to inspire sexual arousal. He is probably doing this to game you because he wants to marry you.

That's if and ONLY if he's RP aware.

If he's not RP aware you should consider it a red flag. Address it with him.

coachmelloweyes · 2022-07-28T09:51:51+00:00

He’s not joking. This is something most men have a desire for. He just had the courage to tell you because he was drunk.

Quite frankly that desire will never go, he just thought he might aswell see if you’re down with it or if down the line he may have to do it behind your back.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-07-28T10:45:38+00:00

Is his desire for "options" stemmed from concerns? Is there something that he "desires" that he doesn't see? Does he feel that he is missing something?

I think that you might want to talk to him more about this. If he isn't just parroting stuff that he heard from podcasts and reading, there might be something missing. Missing in him or he is missing reassurance, etc?

Is he worried about a lack of variety? things getting stale? (Genuine or generated ideas).

These do become concerns for many men.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-07-28T15:23:26+00:00

You definitely need to talk with him and dig deep into the root of the issue. Why is he bringing this up now, and why did he wait until after you were engaged?

What is the root of his desire here? Is it just sexual variety that he needs? Talk with him and see if there are ways he can scratch that itch in another way. For example, would you be open to threesomes or swinging, so he can get his fix of sex with others while keeping you involved?

For example, my boyfriend and I both want to “play” with others, but we’ve agreed that we will only ever do it together, and we have a “2 yes, 1 no” rule. We haven’t done anything yet, but we’ve laid the foundation to do this in a positive way when we do. There are ways to make this comfortable and safe for both parties - it just requires a lot of communication and boundary negotiation. Would he be satisfied with this? Or does he genuinely want other partners separate from your relationship?

Like other commenters have mentioned, is this maybe an ego thing, as in him saying that “he could if he wanted to,” but he won’t? Is he trying to make you fear losing him, or fear him cheating, as a way to exert power over you?

For that last one - listen to how he presents it. A husband or wife is ultimately a partner in life. While he may make the decisions, he should still care about your feelings about the situation. If he is presenting this big deal and possible dealbreaker in a casual, offhand way, or like it’s a given and you just have to accept it, that’s concerning. He should want to take your opinion into account about something as big as this. And if he doesn’t, why not?

If you two ever discussed monogamy as part of your exclusivity discussion, I think it would also be fair to ask him what has changed. What made him suddenly decide this is what he wanted? Is it fear of commitment/being tied down? Is it an ego thing for him to think he can get other women if he wanted? Or is this something he’s always believed but waited until he had you “locked down” to tell you?

The first two can be worked through, but the last one is manipulative, and that’s a big red flag. Because if he’s willing to lie to you about this, he’s capable of doing it again.

Try and be as non-judgement and non-accusatory as you can during this conversation. Go in only with the drive to listen and ask questions. Then, once you have all the information you can get, or that you feel you need, it’s up to you to decide if this is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. But you also need to consider that this man will be the father of your children, and how he treats you (and how you treat him) is how your children will grow up to believe a marriage is supposed to function. You owe it to them to make that as healthy a relationship as possible. Keep that in mind.

Good luck!!

2022-07-28T17:00:28+00:00

This man gets drunk and also makes comments about fucking other women. He is not a good man. Him being somewhat conservative and wanting a stay at home wife doesn’t mean he has good morals. This is a boatload of red flags and you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Situations like this are never just “my husband is perfect in every way except [insert level 10 flaw here].” 99.9% of the time there’s other concerning behaviour that you are desensitized to or you have been dismissing it. Try to seek advice irl from good women if you can, it helps to have a more objective opinion.

jenkoo98 · 2022-07-28T17:44:36+00:00

Tell him exactly what you just told us! You want to be a submissive and respectful wife, but you’re still allowed to have boundaries that can absolutely not be crossed! And don’t apologize or EVER feel guilty about having boundaries. We are called to respect our husbands, and our husbands are also called to LOVE us. It’s not very loving to have sex with other women, not to mention completely unbiblical. Oh and let’s not forget, he’s not even your husband yet! I’m not gonna tell you to leave him, but I can tell you that this is a very serious red flag, and there’s no way I would ever marry a guy like that.

32vromeo · 2022-07-28T02:52:23+00:00

It’s definitely something you two are going to have to discuss further. The fact that he’s just now bringing it up is kinda concerning and would make me question if he’s cheated in the past. A few things he’ll point out, men and women are different and think completely different. Also, men can very much sleep with women they don’t give two shits about. Try to be open-minded and see where he’s coming from. You definitely don’t want to give in to something you don’t want but him exercising options doesn’t necessarily equal STDs. Part of being a man involves protecting your woman. This includes diseases. Also, are you one of those that’s open to you knowing or picking the girl?

tifftack14 · 2022-07-28T03:00:06+00:00

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deznue · 2022-07-28T15:06:25+00:00

Well, if he never been able exercise his options until now and you have then it should balance things out.

LocalCap5093 · 2022-07-28T08:45:31+00:00

Also- not ALL conservative men want a 100% submissive woman… it’s good to switch it up. Keep it interesting. Many seek outside for ‘fun’ or different

Paddington_Fear · 2022-07-28T18:43:50+00:00

uh, if you are mututally affianced then he does not have any options to exercise. Someone in this relationship is confused....

Lando_620 · 2022-07-28T20:45:19+00:00

First, spring that on you now is shitty, he could have at least said it when he proposed so you had an idea of what you would be saying yes to.

Second, a good leader makes wise choices for the better of themselves and their partner. This is why it is important for a women to find a man with good morals & wisdom. If he knew this was your stance and just expects you to follow suit that is not a good sign.

Side note, it can be argued that some men very cheating differently between the sexes as the sexes put different focus on what is most important...but as you stated your boundary it doesn't matter much.

warm20 · 2022-07-28T20:51:17+00:00

Just keep it simple, communicate let him know it's something that is a big deal breaker to you as you've saved yourself all your life for him, you want this to be special between you and him, see how he reacts, is he mature enough to understand what it means or is he going to just be childish animistic over such urges.

The values of monogamy is highly respected and shows deep integrity and dignity of the marriage, as it has been agreed upon you both in marriage, you are for each other exclusive and not anyone else

I'm sorry you he's having a side hiccup of being immature, i deeply hope it's temporary and he gets into his senses and hopefully it works between you two

DanielF823 · 2022-07-28T21:20:54+00:00

If he says "I am not marrying anyone without being able to @#$% anyone who is willing whenever I want" and you are not okay with that, then he has already told you everything you nee to know...

So unless he bankrolls your whole life and you want access to that financial support than just look for someone else and save yourself the grief/jealousy

-Raksu- · 2022-07-28T22:31:58+00:00

I hate that he waited so long to tell you this. Obviously he knew his feelings on monogamy long before proposing to you. He's wasted your time.

tifftack14 · 2022-07-29T00:09:34+00:00

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pearlsandstilettos · 2022-07-29T17:15:50+00:00

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Title	Fiance wants to exercise his options but I don't want to be cheated on
Author	tifftack14
Upvotes	66
Comments	76
Date	July 28, 2022 2:23 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/w9xczs/fiance_wants_to_exercise_his_options_but_i_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiance-wants-to-exercise-his-options-but-i-dont.1125440 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125440