Do you consider sex and relationships/dating to be separate things?

northernlights190 · 2023-02-28T12:37:01+00:00

Yes, sex and romantic relationships are different.

Some people can want and enjoy sex outside of a relationship. Some can’t. Some people can want a relationship without sex, although they are a minority. At some point in their lives, most people want both together.

I think the confusion you’re having is mostly that sometimes (mostly) men here talk about a relationship as if it is primarily about access to sex (whether that adequately represents their views or not, I don’t know) and I think that causes some friction with those who see relationships as much richer things.

As for your last question: sex is extremely important to me in a relationship. I would never want a relationship without sex. I had several years of a dead bedroom with my ex when he lost his libido entirely and I will never do that again. Awful.

Safinated · 2023-02-28T15:19:52+00:00

Were you? Cuz that’s not what the replies to your dozen or so posts said

I guess you didn’t read any of em. Is it because they were written by women?

AceArguments · 2023-02-28T22:14:12+00:00

Sex and dating are two very different things. You date to see if you're compatible long-term. You can get sex anywhere with almost anyone. You can't always get a relationship because that means you have to start analyzing values, beliefs, boundaries, goals, and life circumstances.

Sure you can have both sex and relationships but you can't say that they're on equal footing. We're humans, our time is limited, our efforts are limited, and our resources are limited. You have to weigh the two and see which one is more important or valuable to you.

Sex doesn't last. You grow old, you get medical issues, things with your body go wrong, things in your life go wrong. When those things hit you and your libido isn't there. Are you still going to choose sex?

Everyone thinks they'll be young forever until they get a health issue. That's the only time people seem to contemplate the fragility of being a human. You can't have everything you want in life. So...

Is a long-term stable relationship with someone that you believe to be highly compatible with and see yourself building a life with worth more than sex? Is it more valuable to you? Or is sex more important than that relationship.

People make this decision every day. And some people choose sex and end up with a really shit partner. But that's their choice. I just hate it when people go around complaining about their own god damn decisions. You can't have it every which way. So make the right decisions for yourself and don't moan about it to everyone later.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-28T12:02:31+00:00

Of course they're different things. You can have sex without dating and you can date without sex. Usually people have sex when they're in relationships, but they're not necessarily linked, and to further complicate things people often use "sex" just to mean casual sex. People can often think that the extent of dating is just having sex, which of course it isn't - if you don't have a proper relationship you're just a friend with benefits.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-02-28T13:44:20+00:00

I've had sex without a relationship and a relationship without sex, and quite frankly sex in a relationship is best. But yes, I can separate it as well as any man can. It's whether you want to or not.

wallagrargh · 2023-02-28T16:05:59+00:00

"do you want sex, or relationships? Which one?"

If the question is really posed like this, as an either-or, it's weird and surely not representative of the majority understanding of relationships. However note this subtle difference:

"Do you just want sex, or a relationship? Which is it?"

That's a totally reasonable question.

I think romantic relationships where both sides are truly attracted to each other but sex is no part of the equation are very unusual. Not wrong, just unusual. Sometimes it may be religious or medical stuff preventing sex, but these are external factors in a way.

I also think dating is its own separate, but overlapping thing though. The way I see it you date someone for a while either as a pastime or to work towards an actual relationship. Whether sex should be a topic during this phase is up to the people involved, and preferences seem to vary wildly. After commitment is communicated, however, I think staying sexless is something that goes against normal expectations and people can't expect you to just be fine with it.

childish_badda_bingo · 2023-02-28T14:02:39+00:00

Most men will have sex and pretend to be your “friend” and not want a relationship. I believe most women will have sex and tell themselves the situation will evolve into a relationship. I don’t believe friends with benefits is actually a thing.

And I don’t believe “casual” sex is at all fulfilling or satisfying and the culture of casual sex is directly harmful to individuals and society as a whole.

ChadChasingB · 2023-02-28T13:25:48+00:00

It's definitely separate for me as someone waiting for marriage. I've had other relationships.

AquaChip · 2023-02-28T13:58:27+00:00

Well sex and romantic relationships are by definition not the same thing so yea.

CimZim · 2023-02-28T14:14:01+00:00

So I wanted to ask women, do you see sex and dating as two separate things?

They are 2 separate things, in that you can have hookups without ever being in a relationship and you can have a relationship without sex.

Do you not see dating and sex as mixed together or kind of being combined?

Personally, my version of a healthy relationship is one that involves lots of sex. Again, just my opinion, but if a relationship I'm in dried up sexually, I would move on. I don't do hookups, I don't do one night stands, I would greatly prefer to not hire an escort if I could help it. Ergo, in a relationship is the only way I can easily have enjoyable sex. If that part is gone, we're now just friends or housemates.

Do you want a sexless relationship?

Absolutely not. I would remain friends with him, and do mu best to be supportive of his apparently new asexuality, but the relationship itself would be completely over. If there's no sex, we are just friends.

BTW, no, you aren't bad or wrong for wanting a relationship that is sexually fulfilling and intimate.

dank_summers · 2023-02-28T12:30:01+00:00

They are adjacent activitys

Relationships are just sex + love bombing

INFPneedshelp · 2023-02-28T13:02:07+00:00

Separate. Lots of ppl have sex outside a relationship context.

Some ppl do want sexless relationships or have them for many reasons.

They often go together tho.

That__EST · 2023-02-28T12:06:01+00:00

Yes. And I've been told that men do too.

Sofia_sticated91 · 2023-02-28T13:14:23+00:00

Yes of course.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-28T18:55:32+00:00

Sex for me is related to love. I ain't fucking if I don't love you, respect you, and feel it is correct for other personal reasons.

I probably won't love you or feel those things if we haven't been together in some aspect and dating for awhile.

So, I mean, kind of separate, but also not really. I've dated guys for years I never fucked. It was a lovely romantic relationship, but they never struck me as the right guy.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-02-28T19:18:32+00:00

Question: are you engaging in good faith?

Some people want sex early. Some people dont. Some people want commitment before sex.

I fall in the "do I have an emotional connection with you" type person.

Which honestly was much easier irl than in online dating.

It meant that all three of my relationships started in person. And except for my highschool bf, we had sex early, and even before the first official "date".

The caveat is that I knew all of the men early on, from my social circle and did a lot of flirting and all that shit before we were dating. So I actually got to know them in a low pressure low stakes environment before engaging. I don't think the online dating model replicates this because the getting to know you portion just doesn't feel the same.

But if you are the kind who want sex early jus break it off with women who aren't giving you what you want and vice versa

I do think in the case of most people a sexual component of a relationship is a must. And if you have a deadbedroom you should probably leave. But that all comes down to personal preference and boundaries and not something I other people can decide for you

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Due-Lie-8710 · 2023-02-28T13:11:58+00:00

They are two separate things

KirthWGersen · 2023-02-28T14:09:01+00:00

Maybe just think of it in terms of wanting a "sexual relationship".

If one partner no longer wants sex, it is no longer a sexual relationship. The requirements for such a relationship are no longer met and the other partner is free to move on. And/or you can continue what is now a friendship.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-02-28T16:42:58+00:00

They are two separate things but for me personally they arent, I only ever had sex with those I was interested in long term/I was never into casual sex.

Despite this, I absolutely did not want to be in a sexless relationship. In fact, I rejected two men that months into our rel sprung on me they dont believe in sex until marriage. I had another LTR where the lack of sex and the ability on his end to discuss why it was not happening was a major contributor to us breaking up.

nastyfella · 2023-02-28T18:05:15+00:00

For me they are always together. No sex without relationship and no relationship without sex

snsjsthrowj · 2023-02-28T19:24:53+00:00

Yeah definitely

You can have sex NSA

You can have a sexless relationship too

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2023-02-28T23:37:16+00:00

Sometimes, not always, go off the moment, obviously it is situational

Alert_Many_1196 · 2023-03-01T02:30:00+00:00

No, and tbh I'm perplexed by those who do.

dumbbitchcas · 2023-03-02T03:58:11+00:00

Yes those are three completely different things.

Sex is just that. It’s just sex.

Dating is going out. Spending time together. But there’s no labeling, obligation, commitment, misery. Etc.

A relationship is commitment, labels, etc.

As far as dating without sex, that’s fine by me. Great by me tbh. It’s too much of a hassle to be worth it for me. No one I’ve dated has ever had any desire to sleep with me and that’s completely fine. If I lost like 10, 20 pounds maybe I’d consider it if I was ever dating again but I really don’t care

Alwaysaloneforever97 · 2023-02-28T12:46:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

vzmal · 2023-02-28T15:57:14+00:00

I think men are forced to because women do

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-02-28T19:53:45+00:00

So I wanted to ask women, do you see sex and dating as two separate things?

They can be separate. You can have sex with people you're not dating. Some people are fine with that, some people only have sex with people they're in a relationship with.

Do you not see dating and sex as mixed together or kind of being combined? Do you want a sexless relationship?

I can have sex with someone I'm not dating, but I can't date someone I wouldn't have sex with. Sex can be a fun thing to get your rocks off, it can also be a very intimate and special experience with the right person, a sexless relationship wouldn't do it for me, if I'm in it for the long haul, I want to be able to enjoy sex with the person I'm with.

They said "do you want sex, or relationships? Which one?" As if I was.... being naughty for wanting a relationship that isn't sexless. Even on dating advice posts, "hmmm this is about dating yet you mention sex in the post? Hmmmm" as if the two are completely separate.

I think that's because sometimes guys treat relationships as merely a way to get sex, which is the thing they actually want. A relationship, ideally, should include sex, but it's so much more than that. But some dudes talk about relationships like they're an annoying obstacle that they just have to put up with to get sex, it comes off like they don't actually want a partner, they just want a vagina and a relationship is the price they have to pay for that. That's not a healthy way to view relationships and I wouldn't recommend getting into one if you're going to treat it like it's this awful thing you're just putting up with.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-02-28T20:22:27+00:00

I can be patient (to a point) with someone's comfort timeline before I would leave a relationship, but if we're dating, the sexual component of that is very important to me.

However not all relationships are sexual. For instance when I befriend men I'm not befriending them with the expectation of sex. Even if I did have a crush someday I would not end the friendship (unless they wanted to) if they for example rejected me.

Title	Do you consider sex and relationships/dating to be separate things?
Author	Alwaysaloneforever97
Upvotes	7
Comments	105
Date	February 28, 2023 11:59 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11e4a65/do_you_consider_sex_and_relationshipsdating_to_be/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-you-consider-sex-and-relationshipsdating-to-be.1154070 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154070

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