Defining GF and Wife Benefits

Sage_Planter · 2021-03-24T21:43:09+00:00

Whether you're a girlfriend or a wife, you need to ask yourself "are my efforts being matched?" Is your partner putting in the same effort you are? Is he investing equal time and effort into the relationship as you are? If not, you need to scale back.

I dated a man who was a brilliant cook, who made me some absolutely spectacular meals. High end restaurant quality meals with delicious sides. It was such a treat. I cooked for him once or twice because he had already matched that effort, even though I wasn't his wife.

The problems arise when the woman keeps giving and giving, and the man isn't matching her effort. Taking you out for a $50 date once a week isn't the same as you cooking for him twice a week when you're shopping for ingredients, paying for them, and then spending two hours cooking. Even things like "meeting friends/family" can be totally one sided if you're making all the effort to make a good impression while he shrugs off spending time with your people.

VikingPug · 2021-03-24T21:46:42+00:00

I believe if you truly want marriage, there is no girlfriend stage at all. You should date hypergamously. Also date multiple men at a time until one rises to the occasion of marriage. I am never interested in being someone’s girlfriend ever again. I’d also never buy a man expensive gifts, lol.

electroloop · 2021-03-24T19:10:44+00:00

This is actually a great post as someone who's also fallen into the trap of giving wife benefits to men who haven't proved themselves worthy of that treatment.

I think "expensive gifts" would fall under more wife benefits, than GF benefits in my subjective opinion. A big financial investment in anything or anyone involves a substantial amount of commitment.

I'm so ashamed that I've given so many "wife" benefits to people I would never openly introduce to my friends and family in hopes of winning them over with my kindness. Yuck.

randomgirlimok · 2021-03-24T21:26:39+00:00

Lol I’m not giving a boyfriend an expensive gift or a massage. Their “GF benefit” is being in my presence at all 😂What is written above is extremely true. The more you “give” to a man freely, the lazier he becomes. One of my favorite quotes I heard on YouTube is “your presence is his present.” Remember, men love the chase and if it’s easy it won’t be valuable to him.

DutyKooky · 2021-03-24T19:19:35+00:00

It would help to read " The Rules" books for you. They spell out very clearly what is ok and isnt to give a man & when. Faster to read than to re-invent the wheel youself IMHO.

" treating folks (especially men) the way I'd like to be treated." yep, this is one of the bigges traps/pitfalls for women for wasting their time and resources on a man.

Men don;t feel love/attachment/ reciprocation the same way as women. The better you treat them, the lazier, more entitled and worse they treat you. They don't feel the need to reciprcate. Don't offer something up and expect it will be repaid by a man. They are users. They will reap the benefits, but wll not recipricate unless they " have to".

Men don't do anything " nice" unless they have to. Women need to be taught this from very early age, because that is one of the key differences between genders and believing otherwise sets women up for abuse, exploitation and heartbreak,

Men don't do anything altruisitcally for romance because they appreciate the other person, the way a woman does. Especially not in US.

If you want a man to romance you, - don;t be so easy with your affection:

If you give a man your full attention when he buys you just a drink in a dirty dive bar, he will have no reason to take you to a fancy white table cloth restaurant.
If you zoom/talk with him hours on end/ text - he will have no reason to invite you to a date in order to have a converstion with you
If you kiss a man just for meeting you in the park, he will never buy you flowers to get a kiss
If you live with a man already, he will have no reason to marry you
if you plan the dates and pick the restaurants, he will never feel the need to plan a nice date himself.

REMEMBER - MEN ALWAYS TAKE THE EASIEST, LOWEST EFFORT WAY THAT IS AVAILABLE.

so make him work really hard for any shred of attention and affection from you. If he actually likes you and is an HVM, he will strategize and try to impress you, buy you flowers, take you out on fancy dates just to get a glimpse of you, get a kiss, etc.. So dole out affection strategically, like treats for a dog, ONLY AFTER he does what you want him to. Don;t settle for less and at the sign of the merest red flag dump/block/delete the scrote.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-03-25T00:58:28+00:00

Living with someone for a long time is a wife benefit imo. I’ve never lived with anyone and I don’t plan on moving in with someone if we don’t agree that there will be a proposal within the next year (ideally 6-8 months) after we move in together. I have moved around a lot, I’ve had a lot of roommates, and I do not need one more. That is how I would explain it to a future boyfriend who wants to move in together.

DutyKooky · 2021-03-24T20:30:10+00:00

Also- men never marry unless there is something beneficial in it for them. They are not like women who marry for love. There is always an ulterior motive why men marry.

99% times the reasom men marry is because:

Social & family expectations, - they are not going to get the family inheritance & respect if they don't marry and start producing heirs
they are among the last of his social group to be unmarried, - and start feeling out of place/ creepy in singles bars and friend events, because everyone else is double-dating and going on couple's group vacations and they feel like the odd one out
their job/ company requires marriage & kids to gain benefits, additional promotions & to be the " in-circle"
they are afraid that the woman will leave them if they don't marry her
woman won't have children with him unless there is marraige

As the rigidity and pressure of these expectations above has loosened, so has the men's desire & follow-through on marriage.

I'm not saying that you should be forcing men to marry ( a bad partner is far worse than no partner) BUT- you should be reaping maximum benefits of you are thinking of giving men sex. If it doesn't overwhelmingly benefit you to be with a man, don't be with him . Get rid of his sorry ass.

forbiddenphoenix · 2021-03-25T01:58:49+00:00

Just my two cents here - I think it matters less what you consider GF vs Wife benefits and more your criteria for offering any benefits to a man.

I really liked the post in the FDS handbook about being an "immovable mover", where it essentially says that if your authentic self is giving to others of your time and money, then do that. Give your BF small gifts of appreciation or bake him cookies and whatnot if it truly makes you happy, not because you think it will make him love you. And only do so when you feel it's appropriate to do so.

Think of your BF like a new friend - would you give someone you just met something nice or expensive? Spend time out of your day to bake them something? Probably not, right? In fact, if a friend was insulting you, showed no appreciation for what you did for them, or even seemed to feel entitled to your time and energy, you'd probably drop them like a bad habit. On the other hand, if your new friend was supportive of you and your goals, seemed genuine when talking to you, or offered tokens of appreciation that were appropriate to your relationship, wouldn't you want to reciprocate? And over time, if you became closer, you would want to continuously show appreciation for your friend through offering your time, energy, and money in ways that are appropriate to you.

I didn't start doing nice things for my husband when we first started dating because I wanted to give him "GF" benefits, nor did I suddenly change my behavior to "Wife" benefits after he proposed. It was a natural progression that started because he was generous with his time, energy, etc. first, which allowed me to feel safe enough to reciprocate. And I continue to reciprocate even now, after nine years together, because he continues to be a doting partner who adds more to my life than he takes.

Edit: That all said, I do think there are definitive, non-negotiable wife benefits. Kids, sharing finances, and buying a house together should be reserved for only the man you will marry.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-03-25T01:11:10+00:00

I think that when people bring up "gf benefits" and "wife benefits" here, most of the time they're talking about traditional benefits being given to men who have done nothing to earn them, and not that you should have to do them. It's so prevalent. They all want a traditional woman, but they aren't even willing to put in the same level of effort baby boomers did 50 years ago.

Women even end up making the fancy romantic gestures that the men SHOULD be making.

agirlwhoknows · 2021-03-25T00:00:42+00:00

I think it’s also important to address the “easy access” part of this. Not that you should be playing hard to get, but make sure you are prioritizing your needs, happiness, hobbies, etc and that you continue to do things on your terms and timing. Sure, you’re available, but you’ve already put yourself first. This also sets clear expectations for the relationship.

honumaluhia · 2021-03-24T23:58:11+00:00

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smartierthanthou · 2021-03-25T13:54:10+00:00

I would suggest framing this conversation in terms of what benefits do YOU receive from this boyfriend or husband having that status in your life? Does he improve your wealth, health, happiness, pleasure and safety? Is he trustworthy and kind? Attentive to your needs? If he's not knocking ALL of these out of the park, why would you commit to him?

I think of it like you were starting a business with a partner, just to keep your head and heart clear about it. Not because it's strictly a business transaction, but because you need that kind of vetting before you build something with greater intimacy and access to your time.

Breesasha · 2021-03-25T01:46:05+00:00

I don't know if I like the benefits under wife or girlfriend.

GF benefits: dates, communication, outings, couples trips (maybe 50/50 if it's hella expensive like a month in Europe, some lighthearted fun with talks about our interests, vetting process, meeting each other's friends.

Wife benefits: living together, having kids, growing old together, companionship, communication about deeper subjects like longer term plans (10+ years out), meeting each other's parents, more vetting process.

rlcute · 2021-03-25T11:12:38+00:00

Wife benefits: -Cooking/baking for him -Cleaning for him -Hosting/planning events (dinners, parties, etc) on behalf of the couple -Dressing him/buying him clothes -Buying and/or choosing gifts/cards (especially for his family) on behalf of the couple -Living together before marriage (or at least engagement) -Joint bank accounts

hard no on all of that. Wives are not mothers. A joint bank account is a hard no.

DutyKooky · 2021-03-24T19:49:33+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Defining GF and Wife Benefits
Author	meetme__atsunset
Upvotes	111
Comments	52
Date	March 24, 2021 4:08 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mbx3lr/defining_gf_and_wife_benefits/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/defining-gf-and-wife-benefits.1189455 https://theredarchive.com/post/1189455

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