Let's for the sake of discussion imagine a normal distribution (bell curve) of the dating age population on the variable of relationship market value - or the traits that would make something a great romantic partner.

This relationship market value (RMV) of an individual can consist of the following (non-exhauative list of) sub-factors:

  • emotional maturity
  • effective communication ability
  • emotional intelligence
  • social adjustment
  • general intelligence
  • financial stability
  • professional career/personal aspirations
  • threshold of physical attractiveness
  • health and chances of future genetic success

The vast majority of these people will fall into the 25-75th percentiles for these traits - making them objectively average.

Here's the problem: many people GREATLY overestimate their placement on this distribution

This leads to them developing false expectations of success within the relationship market, when in fact, they just can't compete at the level they think they can.

We as humans want to maximize our experiences in general, and aim high. Is this a bad thing? Not really... But it does lead to potential disappoinment when your expectations do not meet reality.

Here's just a few examples of reality:

(according to me anyway lol, who can entirely be wrong because I'm just a random schmuck on the internet)

  • emotional maturity does not come easy to many people. They have to learn and develop it. Great chance if you're under the age of 25, you are still lacking in this department, whether you like it or not!

  • you may think you know how to communicate effectively, but very rarely can people truly convey their needs and wants in a diplomatic, direct, yet careful way in highly charged social situations. Anyone with professional work experience knows very well the difference between a great boss communicating their intent, versus the ineffective communicators

  • emotional intelligence is a bit difficult to pin down, but self-awareness is a big component. Many men unfortunately lack in this department, as well as a good share of women. The fact that many people don't outright consider this as a factor in a relationship tells you all you need to know.

  • social adjustment is linked to emotional intelligence, but generally can be summed up as your ability to be accepted within social circles around you. If you have a difficult time fitting in, high likelihood your social adjustment score is lacking

  • general intelligence is accepted to be disturbed normally, but for whatever reason, we all mostly think we're smarter than we really are. Look at your SAT, MCAT, LSAT percentile scores to see how many people truly would quality as intelligent on those metrics. A tiny number.

  • financial stability is something that is more objective to pin down. Using US statistics, one data point to gauge financial stability can be median adjusted salary, which is $55,000/year. Total median net worth of an under 35 American in 2022 was just $13,900. Many people expect to partner with someone who makes far more than these figures - which simply isn't realistic on average. Many of these same people make/have less than these figures. They don't realize that they are painfully average on this metric.

  • physical attractivess and health are more subjective, but still able to be quantified in some ways. Take for example obesity, which is inherently tied to physical attractiveness and long term health. In the US, nearly HALF of the population is obese, not to mention overweight. Chances are if you're reading this, there is a great likelihood that you are obese or overweight. That is fine and dandy, if you don't mind dating someone who also fits that average, but saying that you only will date people with normal BMIs is unfortunately shooting above average in the US. The reality is, we assume we're entitled to date people more attractive than we really are.

Putting all these RMV pieces together, it's no surprise that so many people face difficulties in dating. Being average isn't really attractive enough for the other side. That's the sad reality.

Average doesn't cut it in today's hyper-online, shallow, disconnected world. We're fatter, poorer, dumber, and more maladjusted than we like to admit - but we think we deserve better.

Even if we consider ourselves as being average on the factors listed above, ultimately inflation of what is considered attractive in a partner has greatly outpaced reality.

I don't claim to have a fix for this, but it's probably a good thing for people to temper their expectations on their dating journey.

Sorry for the rambling. Looking forward to seeing what you guys think