Not moving out - idea of what to expect?

Adventurous_Tie_4464 · 2023-05-30T16:23:08+00:00

Listen it’s horrible. If you can move into your own room with a locked door. Ideally you can set up a parenting schedule so you at least both have designated times when your taking care of the kids. Go ahead and get your personal sentimental items out of the house and safely at a family members.

All this stuff about always having a recorder on your person and being prepared for a false DVR are accurate. If you have a friend or family with a spare bedroom ask them / beg them to let you rent it so you have a place to relax when you need it. You need to stay in the home but having a place to go even for a few hours would have been a life saver in hindsight.

Whatever you do don’t argue with her or talk about anything but the kids. Hopefully you are dealing with a rational person. I endured the worst 8 months of my life. Eventually I got 50/50 custody stamped by a judge and moved so worth it in the end. I was actually having a bad day today but typing this out was cathartic because I know I get to go home to my own safe home tonight and she can’t get to me. Save yourself some money and time and refuse to discuss anything financial until a parenting plan is in place. I’ll keep you in my prayers

I did 8 months and eventually got 50/50 custody stamped by a judge and moved.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-05-30T14:59:46+00:00

My wife called in a false 911 emergency to attempt to swat me with the police.

Just know that there are consequences to staying and consequences to leaving.

azwildcat74 · 2023-05-30T14:54:39+00:00

Find and claim some space that will just be yours. Be armed with recording devices of some sort just in case. Do NOT engage in bullshit. Pretend she isn't there. Prepare for petty shit to be happening to try and get a reaction out of you, don't react in any way to it. Keep communication as minimal as possible, don't be baited into any deeper conversation than absolutely necessary. Absolutely do NOT have sex. Do not lose your temper under any circumstances.

SuggestionSmooth1202 · 2023-05-30T15:57:44+00:00

Be prepared for the worst case imaginable. Been living with mine for 6 months. Its horrible. I stay away as much as possible when it’s “her time” with kids. And then stay in the house when it’s mine. To ensure the kids get to sleep in there own beds at night. Record anytime you are in the house with them. And I mean it. Even if it’s just ur phone recording in ur pocket.

kencinder · 2023-05-30T17:47:06+00:00

I refused to move out, she was cheating and taunting and flaunting it...it was hard AF for those 3 months, but no way was I leaving my kids. She was all over the place, but in the end lied about wanting to work it out and kept seeing her AP.

I now have all 3 kids full time, she barely sees them. Filing AGAIN, should have already been divorced but she backpedaled out of our separation agreement claiming she signed under duress(She wrote it)

This time I gave my lawyer everything, and said set a court date cause negotiations are over.

SuperConfused40 · 2023-05-30T19:16:10+00:00

It's horrific. Everyday is a nightmare, but needed for the kids. Take it day by day and focus on long and short term goals.

You ate shit for this long, what's a bit more (especially if she is angry like my ex-land whale). Avoiding and personal space is helpful.

AirSailer · 2023-05-30T19:28:27+00:00

I lived through a 2 year divorce plus 6 months after with my ex. It was terrible, I have PTSD from it. Get out as soon as your lawyer says you can.

jkw118 · 2023-05-30T17:07:43+00:00

So my ex would bring guys back, she did that a few times. With me and the kids at the house. Since the in-laws own the house and live next door. I'm guessing the ex will probably get to stay with kids.

But it's all about finding a balance, where you can have your time with the kids and they can as well (my ex essentially just essentially mentally bailed on the kids)

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-05-30T17:21:27+00:00

Do you have a rental contract?

Only-Level5468 · 2023-05-30T19:51:30+00:00

Ive got about a month and a half left and its absolutely brutal. Not sure if you’re predisposed to it, but anxiety will be a daily issue. We don’t talk, just exist. Its an awful way to live. Stay strong brother

ciscokid12345 · 2023-05-31T00:45:19+00:00

What is the downside to moving out?

Reason 1: She will immediately use it as a tool to force primary custody her way.

You can fight against this but you will need to have a new place with a separate bedroom for the kids and a job flexible enough to allow you to pick up / drop off kids to school etc.

If you don’t plan on getting 50/50 anyway because you really can’t spend two hours a day as your kids school taxi then move out already and figure out the custody schedule later.

Reason 2: It’s harder to keep or sell the house.

She will dig in like a tick on a dog and make you litigate the sale of the house in court which will take years.

Sounds like you don’t own this house so who cares.

What’s the downside to staying?

Reason 1: There is significant risk of going to jail or spending $30,000 fighting false domestic violence accusations if you stay.

These are “guilty until proven innocent” kind of charges that will force you to play defense in court and may result in you losing custody of the kids for months until they are resolved in court.

Reason 2: She will wreck your mental health.

She is stronger than you and will find a new man to replace you in a few weeks if she hasn’t already. If watching your sweet loving wife turn into a party whore in front of your own eyes sounds like a good time, then by all means stay.

She’s going to turn half of your family and friends against you. She might even tell your boss you have a drug problem.

Reason 3: The stress will wreck your physical health.

Go watch “War of the roses” with Michael Douglas to see what happens when two people try to fight over the same house.

In conclusion, be really fucking sure why you are choosing to stay in the house with your ex before you attempt to climb that mountain.

wisstinks4 · 2023-05-30T23:04:33+00:00

I would record every interaction with her until the divorce is final. If you don’t trust her and she broke your trust in the first place, then it’s game on. I would also set ground rules for the separation. There will be no smashing in this house, there will be no bringing any men or dates to the house. Hopefully you’ve got all those stipulations listed in your separation/divorce agreement. If not, go back to your lawyer.

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-30T23:12:45+00:00

Move you treasures, hobbies stuff into storage if valuable.

hikeruntravellive · 2023-05-30T23:52:33+00:00

I did it. It was miserable but worth it because I got 50-50 in the end. Make sure you have your own room with a lock on the door. Install cameras or wear a body camera if you can so she can’t call the police for fake violence. Good luck.

dadplup · 2023-05-31T11:29:13+00:00

Not the best idea though, the first time I moved out because she called the police claiming child abuse, she wanted me arrested so that she could leave the state with her boyfriend and with our daughter,

The second time(yes, there was a second time ik I was stupid) I made her leave the house she still called the cops and cps as our daughter asked to stay with me and refused to visit her mom, as she was afraid of mom's new bf ,

My point is you have to be careful because depending on how she is you could end up being accused of things you didn't do specially when she realizes she's got something to gain for it and nothing to lose

SirJoseppi · 2023-06-15T20:31:56+00:00

UPDATE

Am almost 2 weeks in to at home separation. All advice given on this thread has been accurate so far. It is pretty terrible. But trying my best to tough it out for as long as I can.

Question...when in this process did you guys file? I am about to file (sent back the docs today and lawyer will be filing today or tomorrow). Did your exes react differently upon filing? Did things go from bad to worse after that?

What I'm doing in terms of her being served is to have my lawyer email her with docs, to which she can accept digitally via email "signature". I'm definitely going this route as I am trying to agitate her as little as possible...so if I can avoid having her served at home in front of the kids or at work (which would be humiliating) then I def want to do so.

Appreciate all of the info/advice so far on here guys. I have no family in the area so it's a pretty lonely dark place at the moment but there is a light at the end of the tunnel...just a long tunnel at the moment.

Title	Not moving out - idea of what to expect?
Author	SirJoseppi
Upvotes	11
Comments	33
Date	May 30, 2023 2:24 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13vrq7z/not_moving_out_idea_of_what_to_expect/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/not-moving-out-idea-of-what-to-expect.1220758 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220758

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