Sex decline with the established, decaying marriage.

vreo · 2023-12-11T12:22:43+00:00

Dude, thanks to the ingrained morals from my upbringing I basically lived in celibate in my marriage for 7 years before I realised I have only 1 life. I can't cheat (or even date in parallel). I have to cut the old thing to be able to start a new thing. And before the 7 years of nothing it was shit too. All the same excuses "maybe I feel like that when... [insert arbitrary moving goal post]" You can hope for a wonder or work with realities.

ramad84 · 2023-12-11T12:52:03+00:00

divorcing for lack of sex isnt a crime.

BaldieGoose · 2023-12-11T12:40:51+00:00

Is your wife on medication? For me the worst drought came with anxiety meds and then that led to a total personality change, cheating, and making up a story about our life that justified divorce in her mind.

Become_Pneuma · 2023-12-11T17:24:12+00:00

Glad to see I’m not the only one. I don’t have any answers. I’ve tried in vain to become a better person/husband. Set a good example of a strong father for my daughters. I made the personal decision to not cheat. Gym helps a bit. Good luck brothers. I know how absolutely shitty the situation is.

Jawn_McClane · 2023-12-11T06:23:21+00:00

Maybe find a medium between your needs?

Don’t create resentment with pushing for your needs but don’t make it seem like your relationship hinges on that either. Be assertive but compassionate and considerate. The fuck knows what they want anyways. If you want it to work it’s a two way street. Sometimes they’re just tired of us.

If it does hinge on that then maybe you have some more reflection to do my friend. Which may be illuminating as hell to you. I sat loveless and searching for ways to reconnect and regain their affections.

My experience feels like going to the casino. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but are you ever really up?

You’ll see the goal posts moved until you’ve been cornered. Just my experience.

My relief came from realizing the rejection I felt from this cat and mouse game, was her ridiculous projections and narcissism. Fucks with your confidence over time.

I found myself saying one day, why am I trying so hard for something she easily gave in her 20s.

Pedestals are for art.

Brilliant-Tomorrow55 · 2023-12-11T06:43:58+00:00

Dead Bedroom Fix by Dad Starting Over.

SwordfishVegetable38 · 2023-12-11T10:38:31+00:00

There is a lot of material about this available in books or online. Personally, my entire understanding about sex in marriage changed when I read 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel. It was too late to use in my marriage, but I look forward to using what I learned about myself in a future relationship.

DeadBedroomRealTalk · 2023-12-11T13:51:56+00:00

Look up passive dread. Right now your wife doesn’t feel tingles to fuck you because she’s too comfortable. So she just comes up with dumb excuses that lead to choreplay and other goalpost moving behavior.

2023-12-12T05:22:53+00:00

are you contributing to household tasks without being explicitly asked? are you equally involved in parenting? are you cooking half the meals? the “sex tap” is turned off if your wife has to start caring for you as a son.

SkeptiCynical · 2023-12-11T12:49:46+00:00

You didn't mention how long were you together. Kids? How old? Does your wife agree that your sex life is an issue? Are you both American? (that opens a whole new can of worms)

A nonexistent sex life isn't the problem in a marriage though it becomes a problem really quickly. It's a symptom of the problems. Couples therapy is worth a shot. /u/SwordfishVegetable38 has a great recommendation for a book on the subject.

Jmovic · 2023-12-11T11:40:41+00:00

A lot of people would say "talk to her", but im sure you've talked enough and it looks like she's not willing to talk about a solution. Before anyone says "she doesn't owe him sex", uh yes she absolutely does.

Now is the time to list your options. Visiting a sex therapist, more frequent sex, open marriage or being able to satisfy your urges elsewhere and separation.

She needs to understand that as much as she does not feel the urge, she's being selfish for expecting you to be okay with that and live that long without any form of release.

Put options in front of her and see what she says.

80_000_h3ll · 2023-12-11T07:05:32+00:00

You do the right thing, you cheat and stay for the kids

Ruggiard · 2023-12-11T09:34:03+00:00

There's the one route no one seems to try: talk to her. Not as a "you don't give me what I want" but as a "how can we get this to work?" discussion. You and her vs the problem. I know it's super difficult. In my marriage, it was the other way around. I was not attracted to her anymore for a number of reasons and her pushing made it worse.

The other route is that you will have to get both of you into a state where you are desirable to each other again. Get out of that environment of chores, kids and everyday clothes. Go out, do something else (ideally something you're good at so you can show off a bit) together

Training_Ad1368 · 2023-12-11T11:28:57+00:00

It is very frustrating, the ideas that come to my mind are : it doesn't cost her anything. I have the feeling that ladies only care about sex because they want to have a baby, once they fulfill that they don't care about at least with you. Sometimes what makes you fuckable again is the relevance of your character or how successful you are. But they get in use to it and the shortage continues again.

This is a very common thing, and a lot of men resource to masturbation, massage parlors or escort services, cheating and brake of marriage. My fear would be that once getting married again the cycle would start over again and be frustrated in a second marriage.

If I get divorced I don't think I would get married again, girlfriends are better in bed than wives. In other to persuade you to get married they do all kind of wonderful things in bed, they stop once you put a ring on their fingers.

Well, hope you the best but remember we only live once, and is not worth to let your best years pass without accumulating pleasant experiences.

bk2747 · 2023-12-11T11:57:46+00:00

Divorce.

Clarke469 · 2023-12-11T17:00:52+00:00

Shit sucks. I only been married for 2 years and now my wife hates oral sex. When we first met she use to love it. we use to do 69 for over 30 minutes. Now she hates it. We dont even have kids and its already declining. when i want to try something new she says no. she is a completely different woman when the ring came on.

South_Masterpiece543 · 2023-12-11T18:53:52+00:00

There are no longer social and legal guardrails for women’s behavior. Removal of sex is the same as cheating or abandoning the marriage. All are breaking traditional marriage vows. If the man cheated, abused the wife or left the home he would have severe consequences. Need to sign a marriage contract that creates consequences for the woman.

qazinus · 2023-12-12T00:28:20+00:00

Have you tried asking her how she would like to have sex? She may not want the usual sex but would really like another one that she never told you about because she never thought about telling you how she wants it.

She also may need more space to get into the mood, like if the kids are with the grandparents and after a long bath.

It's worth talking to her about it at least.

wisstinks4 · 2023-12-11T19:53:44+00:00

I call it abandonment. Women withholding intimacy /love dont study and learn their husbands. Show lazy trait. Selfish. Grounds for leaving.

tyyyy110 · 2023-12-12T02:11:12+00:00

On another subreddit op, said his wife was giving him all these excuses for why she didn't want to have sex any more. Op, also said he did everything she asked of him for a while and still she'd make up these wild ass excuses and keep moving the goal post in regards to sex . . .

Op later found out she was cheating on him for a while thus, saving herself for her AP rather than giving her husband sex....🤷🏾‍♂️

MAJ_CuntDestroyer · 2023-12-11T07:32:45+00:00

Fuck her mom.

RealisticMonth2396 · 2023-12-11T15:34:40+00:00

Dates… romance….

Hack3rDr3w · 2023-12-12T00:38:29+00:00

So this is the number one reason to never get married.

earthsowncaligrown · 2023-12-12T03:19:48+00:00

You are not alone. I can relate. Unfortunately your only true answer/solution is to cheat. She never will be who she was again bur you wanna keep the household going for the kids and what not. You can't win. It's a no win scenario.

Ok_Fudge9625 · 2023-12-11T12:24:49+00:00

Escorts

Busy-Grapefruit-5149 · 2023-12-12T09:43:45+00:00

Why is sex all you men care about. Sex sex sex and nothing else

AffectionateAd6060 · 2023-12-11T12:43:28+00:00

Yes you are right about the decline but you should always add "with you" at the end of some of these observations.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2023-12-12T09:49:16+00:00

Hard to face but you never stay for the kids. You grow to resent it in the end. Happiness is not overrated. You raise better kids when you are happy rather than when you are miserable. You have to decide when you are done and pull the trigger. Do your research, talk to a lawyer and go from there.

Crypt_Ghast · 2023-12-12T13:39:44+00:00

"Americans emphasize sex too much”. - she's lucky that she never went to Greece or Italy. Sex is like watching Netflix over there xD

Title	Sex decline with the established, decaying marriage.
Author	moomoomolly
Upvotes	57
Comments	64
Date	December 11, 2023 5:43 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18fnheh/sex_decline_with_the_established_decaying_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/sex-decline-with-the-established-decaying-marriage.1240471 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240471

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