I wish I could completely forget it all

Soggy-Candle-6491 · 2024-05-03T22:28:03+00:00

I’m going through a similar feelings, I get it completely.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2024-04-26T06:06:36+00:00

You are grieving. Let time heal for you.

DuelCitizener · 2024-04-26T05:42:20+00:00

I can empathize because your story is not too different from mine and I have found incredibly hard to deal with the divorce because I am the sort of guy the ones I marry, that’s really my commitment…

There’s a couple of things I would recommend, that have been mentioned here before, but worth mentioning again:

counseling and therapy – find someone that will challenge you not just yep you. Be open to what comes out of that journey.
Go to the gym or find physical exercise outlets – this is so incredibly important, both physically, and mentally, not only that, women appreciates more men who take care of themselves
a passion or hobby that you’ve always wanted to do or start again – maybe you forgotten in the twist and turn of life. This is a great opportunity for you to recover things that make you happy with no guilt that you have to answer to anyone
you might want to get into shagging lots of women, which is possible, but ultimately will leave you empty and not in a good way
You may also want to lose yourself substances or alcohol that’s just putting off inevitable if not making it worse
Look at what you’re eating and ask yourself is this for you or for comfort stress? Try to eat more protein, less alcohol, less sugary stuff.
Reconnect with nature being out in the fresh air can really energize you

Good luck on your journey - it takes a good man a lot of willpower and strength to see this through, but know that following the right path will see positive outcomes, even if they’re not immediately recognizable

roshi-roshi · 2024-04-26T01:12:03+00:00

3 months in. My wife won’t say a word to me. I desperately want to talk to her. I can’t help but think this is all my fault. How else could someone change so drastically?

captainchippsixx · 2024-04-25T17:30:10+00:00

Lucky for me my ex pisses me off quite a bit so I never look back on her. The kids I look back and man I miss the playground days.

But the ex is jobless again, tries to be 3 moves ahead of me to get more money (which I have shut down because I’m always on guard.

Hurricane1323 · 2024-04-25T16:16:59+00:00

I hear you, it feels like an impossible situation. It's such an awful feeling when you're heratbroken but you don't want the person back. Especially with kids. I fight the tears often and find myself just wanting to erase my past with her as well. It was a huge mistake in retrospect, but out of something so awful, and being with someone so awful, I get more love from my 7 year old daughter than I've ever received in my life. I guess I'm not sure if I've even felt real love from anyone, before this. I feel like I would have noticed if it was even 10% of this.

Anyway, I don't like my Ex , as a person, anymore. She's become really shallow and pathetically trying to live like shes in her 20's (She's 45) I think it's partially a mid life crisis and hashtag culture influence- but I think what your feeling is the grief, so take your time with it and don't try to change it. It feels like an impossible situation because there is no fix (i.e. getting your ex back) so the only way around it is through it. I wish you luck and strength.

69manu · 2024-04-25T14:38:29+00:00

I absolutely get it and you are not alone in your thinking. Stay strong. It is a roller coaster of a ride, but I keep hearing it gets better. I’m waiting for that moment but I have faith. Hang with solid friends and family and love on ur kids. Try not to be resentful, remember you are bigger than any of this. Good things and peace will come ur way.

someatxdude · 2024-04-25T13:22:39+00:00

My divorce was finalized Sep-23 at which point I’d already been moved out on my own and 50/50 parenting the kids for just over a year.

I too occasionally feel sadness at the dissolution of our family, anger and contempt for her and her actions that were the final hammer blow, and regret for not having discovered them and not having ended the marriage sooner.

The difficult part for me is the random waves of contempt that briefly pop up every few weeks. I don’t miss her or want her back. I want her erased from my mind.

It has been wonderful reconnecting with who I am (was) and focusing time on my health, the gym, my kids, some new hobbies I always wanted to try, great old friends who’d grown distant, and even a great new romantic relationship.

The negative feelings about my ex that had been so overwhelming almost two years are now just occasional echoes receding into the distance. It does get better… it just takes time, patience, and a focus on the brighter future.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-25T12:31:11+00:00

What's the market rate of allowing her to rent space in your head? Because you need to evict her. A couple of actionable things you can do to achieve that:

Imagine you have a magical Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her. Turn it up to 11. To help you get there, put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think about your ex, say "STOP" and snap the rubber band. It's a technique based in aversion (behavioral) therapy and used for decades to cease undesired behaviors. And it won't cost you $$$ in therapy bills.
If you want to get your life in order, then start a workout program like Stronglifts: https://stronglifts.com/stronglifts-5x5/. It's a chance to be selfish. Your workout is where no one is allowed to talk to you. No one is allowed to bother you. You aren’t required to think about anything else while you have weights over your head. You’re doing something for nobody’s benefit other than your own. This may be the first time in your life you’re looking out for your own best interests. It’s such a small thing. But if you handle the small things, you can build on it to improve your self-esteem and handle the large things. Small victories that compound each other build confidence.
On top of all that, get a hobby. You probably lost friends as a result of the marriage or divorce. Go make some new ones. Easiest way to do that is to find someone that had a shared interest. Doesn't matter what it is -- billiards, bowling, wood working, DIY repairs, hiking. Reconnect with the things you gave up during the marriage.

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-25T12:08:54+00:00

I have a very similar situation.

My divorce isn't final yet, but she left about 10 months ago.

I also would not take her back as she is.

God changed me in a lot of ways, but she is the exact same.

They say that grief isn't on a timeline. It's different for each person.

as far as I know there was no cheating in our marriage but there was emotional distance.

I also was the type of person that would be loyal for the rest of my life even in a miserable marriage.

I made the mistake of believing that just because I was a loyal person that she would be too.

unfortunately, you cannot control how other people feel or behave.

you certainly can't control if they do the right thing by their commitment or even their children.

I'm actually trying to get to a place of forgiveness for my stbxw....

I remember a time recently when I was driving back from church and was grieving pretty hard.... I was crying and just told God "I'm turning her over to you because I can't do this anymore".

I believe that started the process of forgiveness for me but I still feel some bitterness in my heart for not only what she did but what I know she's going to continue to do during the divorce process.

try to go easy on yourself.

I say that to me as much as I do to you.

It's really easy to get down and beat yourself up about the past.

One thing that seems to help me is living in the present.

The only thing I have anymore is the day that I'm living in.

The past needs to stay in the past and the future needs to stay in the future.....

If you get up and you're alive that means you have THAT DAY to take care of.

I'm saying a prayer for your peace of mind.

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. "

-Matthew 6:34

Imin-Acehole · 2024-04-25T11:49:19+00:00

Man I feel exactly the same. It breaks my heart that we will never be a family again. I’m losing my home and custody. I won’t have the money for a decent place for them to visit. She is doing the best to keep my boys away from me and I’m afraid they think that I’m abandoning them. They guilt me like they need a father and do everything to keep them from me. I’ve never felt so hopeless.

21YearsofHell · 2024-04-25T07:28:15+00:00

I found that it helped to turn off Face ID and set my iPhone password as FuckYouBitch

Type that in ten times a day and you’ll soon feel better…

DarkEnergy67 · 2024-04-25T07:16:54+00:00

You did not lose anything real. You lost a dream, a hope, an aspiration, and possibly a delusion. It was all in your head and heart and hormones played you for a dumb fool.

What remains is knowledge, wisdom, understanding and likely a little regret. You are literally better than you were before the divorce.

rhett342 · 2024-04-25T04:26:23+00:00

Hey brother, there's nothing to be ashamed of. We all get weak like that on hard days. Why wouldn't we? We thought we had something great. We thought we had one big huge chunk of our life set until we get old and die. Now we don't. That really fucking sucks. You're with friends here and you aren't alone.

euphramjsimpson · 2024-04-25T04:25:44+00:00

My kids are 10 and 15. It was five years ago that their mother decided that our 13-year marriage (17 together) was doomed from the get-go. It was news to me. She did assure me that it had nothing to do with the stay-at-home dad neighbor she was spending so much time with and going on a fitness journey with while his wife worked and I was going back to school and getting started in a difficult and time-intensive career. Strange that they immediately moved in together after they broke up their families. Lucky them.

It’s been five years and I still dream of her. I have a girlfriend who is better than she ever was but I can’t shake the sadness. No other woman will ever be the mother of my children and that, more than even the solemn vow which meant so much to me, is something that should have cemented the relationship that I already thought was set in stone. I will not understand it on the day I roll into my grave. Her little boyfriend is a mean, dumb, abusive loser. It is a shot through my heart that he is with my sons as much as I am. It’s so wrong.

I wish I could forget. I wish I could believe, or even pretend to believe, that the things that matter the most don’t really matter that much. My ex doesn’t give a damn. I failed in my life. All I have anymore is the hope that my kids will grow into men that know what is right despite the fact that they are growing up in so much that is wrong. I won’t speak ill of their mother but she is becoming the sort of person that I would warn them against more and more. I think I just lost and that my poor decisions will be my legacy. I hate it so much.

Nadathug · 2024-04-25T03:33:23+00:00

I was only married 5 years but I can relate. We were together 10, lived together the whole time. No kids thankfully, and I initiated the divorce. She didn’t fight me on it, and we didn’t fight over assets because we pretty much kept our finances separate. I thought that meant I got out easy, and I’d get over it quick. I was so sick of who she’d become that I knew there wasn’t any risk of wanting her back.

I wasn’t ready.

My divorce was in August 2022. It’s been a year and a half, and I’m barely starting to get used to life on my own. I was so invested in her happiness (and trying to avoid fights) that I pretty much erased who I was over that decade. I actually had to remember what my actual morals, thoughts, and goals are. There’s a lot of “phantom limb syndrome”, where you see yourself as one with your spouse, and even when you’re glad they’re gone, you can’t get used to them not being there. Women usually just jump into another relationship to get over it. Men usually can’t do that, they have to survey the wreckage and put themselves back together, because we have to be the strong ones. But we’re all the better for it. It just takes time.

I know your situation is more complicated than mine, with the length of the marriage and the fact you have kids. But in both, it boils down to looking at the facts. You’re going to go through a mourning period, if you’re not already, just like going through the death of a very close loved one. You’ll be mourning the death of your life together, your routine, the familiarity, and the affection you received while you were together. But you’re also mourning your hopes and dreams - your future together, raising your children together, having stability. It’s going to take a few years. But you will adjust. You will be better. You’ll be a better dad to your kids because of it.

It doesn’t sound like you were happy, because you said you’d never want her back. Same. So make sure you remind yourself of that. You’ve got your life back. You’re going to find someone new eventually, probably a few different “someone new’s”. Focus on building yourself up. Pour yourself into work, education, hobbies, friendships with your guy friends. Hit the gym or take up martial arts. Learn a foreign language or take a salsa dancing class. Don’t isolate. You need to be brutally honest with yourself and say “that part of my life is over, it doesn’t exist anymore, there was good and bad things I experienced from it, and I’m glad it happened”. And then move on. Draw a distinct line between the past and the present. The present is limitless, there are so many new wonderful things out there waiting for you. You already know how the past ends. How boring. Isn’t the future way more exciting? Good luck!

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-04-25T03:23:04+00:00

You write exactly what many of us haven't put into just the right words yet. So understand that when we say, "You're not alone," we mean it.

Its_Only_My_Opinion1 · 2024-04-25T02:26:34+00:00

We get it bro.

We have all been through the emotions you are feeling. You are not alone.

For what it’s worth-try and stay strong. I promise, it gets better

Title	I wish I could completely forget it all
Author	Joocewayne
Upvotes	47
Comments	47
Date	April 25, 2024 2:15 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ccgich/i_wish_i_could_completely_forget_it_all/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-wish-i-could-completely-forget-it-all.1516313 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516313

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