Really struggling post-divorce

Southern-Necessary90 · 2024-06-11T16:22:22+00:00

I was right there with you man until not too long ago. What changed for me and gave me some sort of perspective shift was going back to studying philosophy, which I did in college. There are some excellent free philosophy lectures in YouTube. I recommend Great Minds of the Western Intellectual Tradition. These are especially easy to understand and got me thinking about myself, my existence, and the universe at large again. After taking care of my kids, I now feel my purpose is to learn as much as I can with the time I have left on this planet. And not just philosophy, I recently started math classes on Khan Academy. I used to love math because it is challenging and precise and I always wanted to learn more but stopped when the ex came along. I plan to also get back into science at some point as well. Learning has made me want to do better in all aspects of my life. Gym, work, psyche, ethics. I have also lost all interest in women. I see that as a waste of time and not worth the effort/trouble when I could be learning more. Just my two cents but I feel for you brother. Good luck.

BigPapaJava · 2024-06-11T14:09:31+00:00

You’re doing the things that are recommended… but it sounds like you have anhedonia or just aren’t feeling them while you are depressed. That’s fine.

Divorce causes a literal grieving process, just like a death of a close family member. Grief takes about 1-2 years for many people. You are grieving.

My advice is to try some new stuff out and develop new interests/meet new people that way. Is there something you’ve been interested in or curious about but haven’t tried yet?

Look at stuff like that and just try things—maybe you like it or not, but you need new experiences to build a new life. Right now, you’re stuck living in the ruins of your old one, and that is depressing as hell.

This takes time.

Normal_Care8467 · 2024-06-11T10:05:16+00:00

Man, I’m sorry you’re going through it. You got me with the “no desire to be a normal functioning adult.” That’s exactly how I felt for so long, no desire to even try because what was the point, the pain of watching her move on so effortlessly only made things worse. But there is hope bro, the only thing is time. I’ll admit my pain has never fully gone away but I can now function day to day without it always being on my mind, it’s still there but it’s tolerable. Only advice i can give is to keep doing what you’re doing, sounds like you are doing all the constructive things to make you better. Time is the only real game changer, but don’t fall into those destructive habits like hitting the bottle too hard, I made the mistake of doing that for the first couple months and all it did was set me back further.

Psychological_Art823 · 2024-06-11T03:26:06+00:00

8 months for me. No sign of happiness.

Similar to you, doing all the right things physically.

Working a ton.

Trying to find my old happy self. Its been tough.

LuvDonkeeButts · 2024-06-11T02:52:51+00:00

I’m right there with you. 7 months post divorce and my life is a complete mess. I have nothing to look forward to. I thought honestly I would be in a better spot by now.

No I question if I’ll ever be happy again.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-11T01:24:02+00:00

I wouldn't say I've found happiness, but the pain is much less, and I'm close to finding peace.

But I'm similar to you, ex cheated, destroyed our life for various new dicks, and divorce has been finalized for about 6 months now 20 months of process. I get the 'am I better?' feeling, but I can look back and see, yeah, I am, compared to how bad it was at the start.

Also have done a few dates, but nothing really to recapture the relationship that died. Also stuck in a dead in job I took due to being laid off the day after my wife left, and trying to get out to a career that actually has some growth and stability, and getting no where there.

And really feel the friends angles, I'm 37 and all my friends are in the marriage and kids angles. I was the first to get divorced, and I've had one other friend whose wife left about 14 months after mine did, but he had two kids at the time. Live different lives, so I seem them during gatherings, but it'll be being the only single guy with 5-10 couples, haha.

captainchippsixx · 2024-06-11T00:08:12+00:00

I know it’s tough. I am still dealing with some of what you are saying- especially the friends in other parts of the country.

My big advice is join a sport league or hobbie club. I played refereed comp bball for 20 years Loved it.

So find something you like. Great way to make new friends. So many sports and hobbies, or even cars (jeeps, motorcycle, mt bike) you look forward to it every week! If you need to do 2 things, do 2.

If my knees didn’t suck I would play soccer or softball. Volleyball can be coed.

grimxluna4ever · 2024-06-10T23:42:46+00:00

Man, right there with you. Except a couple decades down the road. All those things you said ring so true. The one right now for me that stands out the most is now I'm single. And most of my not very close friends are married. My wife's friends were all single. We signed today by the way. 3 months from now it's legal but as far as she's concerned it ended today. She's happy. Her single friends around her. Out having fun. I'm a family guy. It's been my identity for two decades. So that right now is the hardest thing. It's an embarrassing thing for us men. We failed in our marriage and they succeeded in their " freedom" from it. It hurts so bad. I'm in a parallel universe. My son is with me and it's hard to look him in eye. Even though he's seen all the abuse and that's why he's with me. Just hooking up is meaningless to me. It's not about that. It's companionship and friendship and teamwork. Sex is much desired but....you know. Anyway. I get you. And I don't have the answer. I wish I did. I guess the matriarchy will lead us down the final doomsday path. I'll just watch.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-06-10T22:13:16+00:00

I haven’t found happiness. I try to work as many hours as my job allows and accomplishing all of my financial goals that were stopped do to the divorce. I’m just working towards putting my life back in order financially after all of this. Hoping I can get back to the fun guy I used to be after everything is handled. In the mean time there is no happiness for me just work and go home.

bbewhacim · 2024-06-10T22:04:56+00:00

Dude. It takes time. I’m almost two years out from separating. A little over a year post divorce. Similar situation. She cheated. Dropped the divorce on me. Didn’t find out about the affairs until after we’d separated. It sucks. It’s shit. Stick with the therapy. I found some really good friends going through similar situations through a group called divorce care. (They’re nationwide, usually meet at a church or a hall on week nights. Just google it if you’re interested) Through that group I’ve met friends and started going out and doing things. But yeah man, I went for months where it was get out of bed, sit on the couch, back to bed at night. That was my day. You gotta grieve. Try not to numb out and sit with your feelings. Cry. Scream. It’s all part of the process.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-06-10T20:48:44+00:00

I have 4k saved up vs living paycheck to paycheck when I was with the ex, I bought a gazebo and did a bunch of crap to the backyard( put in a mini putting course) just created mini projects to keep me busy so far no wife happy life. I haven’t even had sex with anyone after or during the divorce and I’m content with that. Just off in my own world no one can bother tell me what to do now

fishingforthought · 2024-06-10T20:20:04+00:00

You are Grieving. Everyone will grieve in they’re own way. It take time Do what is right for you go to counseling and do not date until you are finished with grieving. It ok to talk to and be around with but do not date.

RelationshipAny7219 · 2024-06-10T19:53:56+00:00

My advice would be remove any thought or reference to yourself as a "sad single" guy, and view it as a survivor of being married to woman that hit below the belt, and disrespected you in the worst possible. What you are experiencing is the result of insane amounts of anxiety, shock, even PTSD and total mistrust of others for the short term future that are the result of someone you trusted completely abusing your trust. I want to inspire you to do what others have already commented, use this time to become the best version of yourself, and do not give her or what she did another thought, if you can possible help it. If you are struggling with triggers, do yourself a favor and sign up for EMDR therapy, it is life changing in a very positive way. The only other lesson learned I would pass on for this topic would be anyone that gives you a hard time about being affected be the adultery or needing EMDR therapy, I would remove them from your thoughts, they either have no idea what they are talking about or don't have your best interest in mind. Wishing you the best, it does get better with time.

Any-Div-6055 · 2024-06-10T19:40:14+00:00

No, haven't found happiness. But I have found peace.

It's been a combo of things.

Got braces. Got braces removed. I smile ear to ear now.

Adopted a "clean as I go" philosophy. When I see something that's messy, I take care of it immediately. This is surprisingly powerful. My place just kind of self organized after that. It's all small piddly stuff that takes five minutes here or there but makes a world of difference.

Made three trips to the dump with a 14' uhaul. Liberating.

Bought a Gardyn. I wanted the leafy greens but found it has a zen factor. I dated a girl who noticed it. She gave me a succulent. So I installed cheap $50 amazon outdoor stands. Added more plants. Then someone gave me a bonsai kit. So now I have these bonsai saplings that I'll tend to for the next couple of decades. Dates love this stuff. All of this seems girly. Is girly. Fuck it, it helps.

Bought an exercise bike. Physical pain is better than mental pain.

Bought a guitar. I suck at it. But it's good for me. I can walk the blues scale at an intermediate pace after maybe a year. I get nice even 16th notes at about 100bpm. It requires a lot of focus, so much so that I can't speak while doing it. Go figure, it shuts out most other thoughts. I can sink into it for hours at a time.

Bought a keyboard to understand intervals, minor vs major, sus, aug, all in C major... that kind of thing. It relates back to sheet music much better.

Started a new savings account.

Compartmentalizing helped. Everything has an up/down rhythm. I mean, take a Gardyn for example. It's mindless produce. Got ants. Had to start over. That was a bummer. But at least the kitchen was clean.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-06-10T19:18:39+00:00

Gonna take time, buddy.

You gotta work on yourself.

For the time being you need to be a machine.

A machine doesn't feel pain.

A machine only needs fuel to keep going.

Your machine gets bigger and more powerful when you lift heavy objects.

Your machine is designed to adapt to adversity.

You are a MAN.

You're allowed to mourn. But you eventually have to step up and fight for your future. FIGHT!!

You will NOT validate a cheating woman's shitty choices by being a shitty person yourself.

You will be the best man you can be because that's what a man does. You are a man!

It's ok to get help and support from your bros, family, and yes even medical professionals. There's no shame there.

The only shame is in giving up, but you're not going to do that, because you're here for support. If you were gonna give up you'd have done it already.

But you're not going to give up. You are going to get busy doing the work necessary to align your mind, body, and spirit.

You can do this. If I can do it, if the other guys here can do it, you can do it.

This time next year, if you fight for your future, you are going to look back on this time and shudder at how much better things are. I guarantee it.

BUT YOU HAVE TO GET UP AND FIGHT!

FIGHT FOR YOUR FUTURE! FIGHT!!

Everyone dies sometime, DIE STANDING UP!

Reflog1791 · 2024-06-10T18:59:15+00:00

Found all the joy in the world on the golf course. Desperately cycled through hobbies until I found my raison d’etre. Could be bowling, archery, target shooting, hiking, or a zillion other things. But try golf. Bonus is all those married family guys would kill to play golf on a Saturday morning, take a nap, and do whatever else they want.

In short, make the best of your new situation.

pikohina · 2024-06-10T18:48:51+00:00

You had me until you said your age 🤣. Not to downplay your situation, it sucks...but I’m so fking envious of where you’re at. 30s??? You’re in your prime and have #many years left to evolve into the life you choose. No cliches will help you until you realize you really just have to find something productive and enjoyable to do with yourself. God, what I wouldn’t give to be your age again while single.

Title	Really struggling post-divorce
Author	FigurativeLasso
Upvotes	28
Comments	32
Date	June 10, 2024 6:31 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dcsqjo/really_struggling_postdivorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/really-struggling-post-divorce.1521156 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521156

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