This is my alternative account as friends/family know my main. Sorry for the Long read but I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this

Here’s my story. My ex wife and I were married for 20 years, together for 22. We met my sophomore year of undergrad and I knew instantly she was the one. We were inseparable from the day we met. She supported me through medical school, moved across the country with me for residency, supported me through the grueling hours and training, moved to Italy with me while I completed additional training , helped me start and build my own practice all while working full time herself and having our two beautiful children (5 and 8 now). In 21 yesrs, we never had a fight, argument, major disagreement etc. we were always in the same page about everything. I never in a billion years thought anything could break us apart. Until i did.

In late 2019/2020, I lost both my parents and my younger brother within 8 months of one another. All unexpectedly. It was devastating . I took time off work and started drinking to cope. In was initially just a beer or two and then before I knew it, I went from a guy who had <5 drinks a year to a guy drinking 16+beers a day on top of hard liquor. I just retreated. I pushed her away. I would barely talk to her. She tried and tried to get me to open up, to seek professional help, to stop drinking and I just shut down even more. We went from never having an argument to having a big argument every week. She told me I was going to lose the family I had left and everything we had worked so hard for because I refused to get any help. She was right but I was so deep in grief and in denial about my drinking I just couldn’t see it at the time, no matter now obvious it was

The final straw came one night when I was drunk and fell down the stairs and hurt my youngest son in the process as he was on the stairs a few steps ahead of me. He required a few stitches. When we got home and put the kids to bed, the look and hurt in her eyes was indescribable. She told me she didn’t know who she was married to anymore and she was done and she wasn’t going to live her life on edge or put the kids in harms way. She told me if I was going to ruin my life drowning myself in the bottle, that was my choice but she wasn’t going to stand by me to do it or put the kids through the trauma.

I would like to say that was hit rock bottom , but it wasn’t. Rock bottom was when I was sitting in the drunk dank after being pulled over and blowing almost twice the legal limit. Sitting there coming to the realization that i had lost my entire family and half losing half of them was entirely on me was a kick in the balls. Realizing that my career as a surgeon and reputation were about to take a hit or be over was another kick in the balls. She had warned me. Luckily legally everything ended up being okay. I went to rehab, went to grief counseling and haven’t had a drink in almost a 20 months now. I have no desire to have a drop of alcohol ever again.

Things between the ex and I are cordial. We had an amicable divorce. The only thing she asked for was the house to have stability for the kids. We have been excellent coparents and have 50/50 custody. She’s always cordial towards me, but aloof. I miss her. I miss waking up next to her. I miss falling asleep with her in my arms. I miss hearing her hum as she cooks. I miss her snorting when she laughs. I miss reading the kids a book together as a family. Neither one of us has dated anyone since our divorce(I have confirmation that she hasn’t).

Over the weekend, she invited me to come watch a movie with her and the kids. I ended up falling asleep with the kids and when I woke up, she had out a blanket across us. In the morning, she asked if I wanted to stay for breakfast and I said sure and then she told me that she still had some of my stuff upstairs if I wanted to clean up. I went to our old bedroom and she kept everything. My alarm clock is still on the nightstand. Pictures of us on the walls. She still had the clothes I left behind hanging in the closet. My razor was still in the shower where i last had it. I started to cry, realizing how badly I messed everything up. I tore my family apart. I want to talk to her about how I feel but I don’t even know where to start