Would you have stayed married if your wife was gay?

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-10-07T23:10:43+00:00

Sounds like you are using your sexuality to feel less guilty about not honoring your commitments. You have already made up your mind so just leave the man. You said for better or worse, it is worse, you have no intention of keeping your vows, nobody cares who you want to bang be it woman or man.

I guarantee hubs is attracted to plenty of people (a handful at least at work) but makes the decision every day to stay faithful.

Don't coerce him to go along with it, own it, burn it to the ground, and move on. Fantasizing about him staying a friend is absurd.

Thereal_maxpowers · 2024-10-07T20:38:04+00:00

I did, and I paid dearly for it mentally and financially. 0/10 do not recommend.

-sweetchuck · 2024-10-07T18:35:23+00:00

After giving a real attempt at the devil's triangle lol

techrmd3 · 2024-10-07T15:33:09+00:00

Nope, ZERO stars would not recommend

Movieman_Steve · 2024-10-07T15:15:13+00:00

My stbx might've realized she was during our marriage, I only say that is something I've questioned now cause of all the trips and ladies nights out that she did. Good for her to find what makes her happy if she is. I'm always going to love the shape of a natural woman.

GarbanzoBenne · 2024-10-07T14:07:07+00:00

I am in a similar situation right now with my wife realizing that she is gay or bi. We've been in crisis for over a year and initially it all focused on my attitude issues, which I've made huge strides in addressing.

Only recently has the orientation point come up. It didn't surprise me because I knew she was curious 25 years ago when we first met, but I will say it poses an interesting challenge now. With all the effort I've put into improving myself and trying to save our marriage, I can't become a woman. I fully believe she feels that way and I appreciate her vulnerability in sharing that with me, but I'll admit part of me wonders if that is being over-emphasized as a "checkmate" to get me to give up. Not that it's the right action, but he may have willfully ignored it because there's was no way for him to win that disagreement. Especially since men tend to get stuck in problem-solving.

I've never felt attraction to men so it's hard for me to imagine what it's like to possibly be between those two options. If you are gay that's totally fine. But I wonder if you can go either way, do you feel like the issues you had with him, a man, might be pushing you to lean the other way? Your insight there would be helpful to me.

To directly answer your question, I have done a lot of work on acceptance and feel like I love my wife for whoever she is. I could not willingly overlook that, but it's taken me a lot of self-reflection and growth to get where I am today.

(obviously, there are limits to that unconditional love I'm not thinking about like if she tried to murder me..)

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-10-07T13:48:37+00:00

"That's a definite no. Cheating is cheating, no matter how you look at it. What happens when you find the love of your life and then divorce your husband? Or what if your husband was bisexual or gay? Would you have stayed married? Also, I think your message might have been meant for a different group, perhaps one related to divorce support groups. As this is for divorced men, I hope you find what you want."

black65Cutlass · 2024-10-07T13:28:16+00:00

No, I can't even imagine an argument that would make me stay married in that situation.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-10-07T12:55:38+00:00

OP, Just another way for you to emasculate him even further. You really need to address your motives in addressing what you are doing to your husband. You made a vow, and if you act on your impulses, you are no beater than a cheater. This is the bottom line of it, you made a promise, a vow, and that is more important than what your mind dreams up.

itoocouldbeanyone · 2024-10-07T12:50:24+00:00

No. I married my wife because of our connection and intimacy. Either one of those removed changes things.

Exactly65536 · 2024-10-07T11:34:27+00:00

How do you imagine your being attracted to this class of people or that class is actionable for you partner?

I mean, I like women with short hair and women wearing short skirts. These are all my "problems" to deal with, not my wife's; they started being mine as soon as I gave her an implicit promise of exlusiveness. She doesn't have to address it. If I was attracted to my gender, it wouldn't change much, just add another group of people I'm attracted to.

blearowl · 2024-10-07T09:12:08+00:00

There’s a difference between being attracted to women and saying you are outright going to date/sleep with them.

I’m assuming it was not an open marriage?

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-10-07T04:48:55+00:00

Being bi only means you have a much broader attraction section. There are also many other reasons to lose attraction to you your partner.

Boomhower113 · 2024-10-07T04:31:57+00:00

Tough one.

On one hand, the wife being bi creates what every man dreams of, until they get it.

The thought of your wife picking up chicks and bringing them home so you can all fuck in a pile is every teenager’s dream.

But, is that really a marriage?

It’s funny that the poly thing rarely works out, even if it’s every guy’s “dream.” I’ve never lived that life, but I definitely don’t think I’d stick around, especially if the wife was full-blown gay.

I would think that your evolution to determining you were gay involved you suffering through having sex with him as some sort of pity-fuck?

If so, he noticed and didn’t appreciate it.

CulturedGentleman921 · 2024-10-07T04:22:33+00:00

Just because you're bi doesn't mean the conventions of monogamy don't apply to you.

It only means you have twice the number of potential monogamous partners.

People don't seem to understand that "bi" isn't synonymous with "cheating" or "polyamory" or "gay/lesbian". It's a thing unto itself.

Zealousideal-Let1344 · 2024-10-07T04:18:28+00:00

I got divorced because of a dead bedroom for over a decade

My wife being gay wouldn't have made a difference

Remember__Simba · 2024-10-07T04:05:42+00:00

My wife recently came out as gay and we are getting divorced. She had been out as bi since the beginning so I feel like I (probably we) missed a lot of flags. Honestly the version of her that has existed for the past 12 years is disappearing and becoming someone else that I don’t know. Like she hid this from herself (and me by extension) for so long. What else was I missing the whole time? So no, I don’t think I would stay married to her even if she wanted to stay together.

As an aside, I don’t think she has been “lying” or “fake.” She is a great person and a great mom. For whatever reason, she suppressed this within her which has likely caused a ton of hurt and pain for her. While I wish this wasn’t happening, I would not want her to suppress her sexuality for me. She deserves to be a whole person. It’s just the person she was and the person she is becoming are 2 different people. One was my wife and the other will be my coparent. She’s still family and always will be if she wants to be.

I will say the initial shock is probably messing with him. I put it out my mind at first too. Honestly, the only thing you owe him is the truth and clear boundaries. If you plan to leave, there should be no question that is your plan. Do not lead him on or open the door for hope. Also don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is long and messy. You also deserve to be a whole person. You should not feel guilty about your sexuality.

Title	Would you have stayed married if your wife was gay?
Author	serenity-VI
Upvotes	5
Comments	43
Date	October 7, 2024 3:31 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1fxyjp9/would_you_have_stayed_married_if_your_wife_was_gay/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/would-you-have-stayed-married-if-your-wife-was-gay.1532315 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532315

Comments