It is said that 90% of success for relationships can be attributed to selection. Do you agree?

Classic_Dill · 2024-11-03T19:41:53+00:00

Selection is extremely important, but remember that extreme compatibility and chemistry is extremely hard to get, I truly believe in one lifetime you might meet three people if you’re lucky that you could be with for the rest of your life, the rest of the people you meet? You either stay in a marriage or relationship that’s not making you happy for convenience or you just keep bouncing from one partner to the next, my advice? Keep dating, keep having fun, keep having sex with the people you date, but don’t settle on any of them unlessthere is super, super compatibility and chemistry! You’ll know it when you finally meet it.

THX1138-22 · 2024-11-03T15:30:17+00:00

Selection is very important. That’s why in the Gatekeepers book by Dr Shawn smith, “love” is the last item—the first four are her personal qualities, such as emotional maturity, resilience, etc. Really helpful book and I highly recommend you read it if you want to improve your picker.

anonymous_googol · 2024-11-03T15:21:56+00:00

I do agree.

I have absolutely no weight to any of those criteria when I got married at 24. Just went head-long into it, out of a sense of loyalty. Nearly threw away my life (literally). I barely got out of my abusive marriage after 5 yrs.

I know a woman who was hand-picked by her husband at 20 yrs old. Imagine getting married as a college sophomore!!! He has a great family, good morals, etc., he took very good care of her for 17 yrs. They’re now getting divorced…but still, 17 yrs of mostly happy marriage and two kids, plus everything they did and built together…it’s way better than me…single and childless at 39 because I picked the wrong man at 23.

EDIT: sorry - I never comment here because I’m not a guy…but I didn’t realize which subreddit it was when I was commenting!

Mister_Vandemar · 2024-11-03T15:13:23+00:00

Honestly, I may just be a poor judge of character. I knew my ex since we were in our teens. We weren’t close, but she was my younger sister’s best friend for 20 years. My parents knew and loved her. After we started dating, we seemed to be aligned in our goals and values. Got married and had a child, and she changed. I assumed it was a combination of postpartum stuff, a lot of life change in a short period of time, and perhaps some variety of midlife crisis, but I was still blindsided when she filed for divorce.

In retrospect, I think the marriage should have worked. I just think that my ex was less able to adapt to the changes and the attendant stresses of all of it, and she panic-slapped the eject button.

The fact that she says she regrets filing for divorce and now recognizes that the outcome was much worse than what she was trying to get away from via divorce seems compelling to me.

I do think that selection is critical; if you don’t understand what you really want and need in a relationship and in a partner, you run a high risk of finding yourself in a marriage to an incompatible partner.

I also think that people change and that change can happen faster and be more extreme than I had anticipated.

Ultimately, I believe that “compatibility” can be fluid, and that people can be less-than-ideal matches and yet still work out. I also think that a high degree of compatibility isn’t enough if both parties aren’t more or less to accept the bad with the good.

But what do I know? I’ve got food in my freezer that has lasted longer than my marriage, so I’m probably not a great source of relationship wisdom.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-11-03T13:07:41+00:00

looking back, ya i totally fucked up. we were friends in college, then dated, broke up, back together. it was stupid, she wasnt my type but she fucked and partied and i was dumb as a box of rocks

soon as the ring went on, she got all weird about 2 years in. the personality disorder started coming out bpd i think. her dad was abusive and her mom a checked out doors matt. never marry a woman with a bad daughter/dad relationship.

she flat out told me she dated guys her dad hated. wtf! that was the biggest flag and i didnt even see it! (heavy sigh…lol)

i shouldn’t have even dated her. i was pretty naive young man though. just fucked anything that let me in without any intelligence about girls or relationships

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-11-03T11:24:34+00:00

Her sister told me to run while we were still dating

dckincite · 2024-11-03T07:04:51+00:00

It said that if you wear rose colored glasses, there’s no way to see red flags. And that is so true. So many of these comments resonate with me as well. The best comment that my ex and I got when we were engaged was a mutual friend that knew both of us said “I think you can both do better“ it was funny for several years and then it was prophetic.

Internal_Echidna5646 · 2024-11-03T06:47:12+00:00

There's not a whole lot of reasons to get married anymore especially if you are a man with any assets. Too risky.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-11-03T04:02:05+00:00

I knew mine for 12 years before getting married. She seemed perfect. Seriously. I thought I had found a top 1% woman. Getting married was the full moon that brought out the werewolf. The fucking metamorphosis was fucking nuts.

darealyst · 2024-11-03T02:18:34+00:00

In hindsight there were a lot of warnings and red flags I ignored.

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2024-11-02T23:12:28+00:00

I was a door mat/laid back guy that married the first girl that I really dated. She married me because she was 34 and her clock was ticking

Borntadoodishes · 2024-11-02T22:36:37+00:00

She was waving red flags, I was lonely and a door mat type of guy. It was a brutal marriage. I worry about the younger generation of men (early 20s) who I hear are largely not dating or getting experience out there. When the time comes to start a family they could easily end up in a similar situation.

aquatone61 · 2024-11-02T22:27:54+00:00

Should have listened to her Dad when he said right before the wedding that he was sorry he raised a princess. He was fucking right and it took balls to admit it.

Pen_Panda · 2024-11-02T22:14:20+00:00

Facts

Title	It is said that 90% of success for relationships can be attributed to selection. Do you agree?
Author	Smartguy2929
Upvotes	11
Comments	37
Date	November 2, 2024 10:06 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gi7q58/it_is_said_that_90_of_success_for_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/it-is-said-that-90-of-success-for-relationships.1534435 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534435

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