TL/DR: how do I explain to her why I’m filing for divorce if the reasons I have will make it look like it’s her fault? I don’t want her to go scorched earth on me.

I’ve decided to divorce my wife, because of problems that have gone on for years and are still there even though I’ve tried all the reasonable remedies. I told her three months ago that I wanted a divorce, and the reasons I gave were that I’m unsatisfied physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and that the marriage is a source of psychological distress for me.

I didn’t go into details at the time, but it’s things we’ve struggled with for years: dead bedroom (little interest on her part, and anyway I lost all attraction to her years ago); years of verbal & emotional abuse from her (which she refuses to acknowledge and says that anyway it’s my fault that she’s treated me the way she has); sexually shaming and controlling me; using God against me; my major depression and suicidal ideation due to relationship distress.

I’ve been in individual therapy for many years. We tried couples counseling twice, but she refused to continue because it looked like maybe I wasn’t entirely responsible for our problems.

What it came down to, and I’ve even told her this, is that I used to think that suicide was better than divorce, but now I believe the opposite.

Since I told her I want a divorce—three months ago—she’s been on her best behavior, even reminding me that she’s not blaming me for this or that small thing.

The reason why the divorce is taking so long is that my attorney was slow to start things, but now I’m at the point where I need to confront my wife (again) and try to amicably work out a property division agreement between us. (I don’t want this case to go to court.)

The problem is that in the last few months, she’s gotten the idea that we’re not going to divorce, because she keeps bringing up future plans together like traveling and moving.

I’m conflict averse, so I didn’t want to keep reminding her that we’re splitting up, but I was paralyzed by the lawyer’s inaction and my not knowing how to proceed.

So now I need to break the bad news all over again, and I dread having to explain why, because she asks questions like a bulldog going after a steak, and she’s liable to start screaming and crying and cursing when I show her a list of our bank accounts and start talking hard numbers.

She’ll demand to know the details of why I’m unsatisfied, but if I tell her “because you abused and shamed me; we haven’t had sex for 2 years and I have no attraction to you, and I’m dying for physical intimacy but not with you; you won’t accept any responsibility for what has happened; you’ve refused couples counseling; and I think about killing myself to escape this marriage,” that’s all the truth but it’s a terrible thing to say and hear. It’s also true that I’ve contributed to our problems—I’m not innocent, and I’m well aware of that.

But am I really going to make it through by just sticking to “I don’t want to be married to you anymore, and I won’t go into details”? That seems grossly unfair.