TLDR; Find out supposedly conservative GF I'm dating seriously, is a raging whore with no respect for herself. One night stands, new guys every week and all the filthy shit I thought was somewhat specific to her and me (maybe a few other guys at most) has been a stage show for anything sober enough to construct a sentence in her direction.
How to proceed? I still love her but I feel sickened by her past.
Recently I came down with symptoms of Chlamydia and went down for an std screening. It came back universally negative so the doctor told me I might have something called Ureaplasma, which is a usually non harmful microbe that is likewise passed sexually. The chances of getting this shit go up astronomically with more sexually active people as you can imagine, but because I hadn't been formally tested for it, just prescribed a treatment (it isn't part of a normal std screening), I became curious. I immediately started my cycle of antibiotics and realised that because my gf has to have a cycle too and won't have time to get to the doctors for at least a few days, she could potentially reinfect me while she still carry's the bug and I'm on the drugs. So this made me think (rationally I thought), if I can get a rough estimate of how many partners each of us has had (expecting it to be low) I could make a judgement on whether to worry or not about being reinfected with a bug I may or may not have. The meds I was given would kill the infection no matter what it was, but this lazy curiosity got the better of me.
I asked my gf how many guys she had been with. The rest of the conversation went sort of like this.
She had gotten with me several months after breaking up with a guy she had been with for nearly two years, so I was expecting her last sexual partner to have been him. She made a hesitant statement that there was one other guy before me. It was a one night stand. I wasn't expecting her to have had a one night stand before and that's what I said. She went on to allude to having had quite a few. So I asked her how many. Suddenly she didn't know. I asked her how many guys she had been with total. Instead of answering she starts trailing off justifying a number I hadn't even yet been told. Talking about how 'everyone has a journey' and other stupid hamster shit. She went on about how she 'had counseling for two years', 'was in a bad place', 'was finding herself', 'hated being alone'. She then alternated between attacking me, saying I would judge her and justification/ victim complex. 'I'm not a bad person anon' Shit like that. All of this mind you, was self perpetuated. I wasn't attacking her, I wasn't making a big fluff about it. Maybe she could tell by the tone in my voice that deep down I was gutted, but her accusations were not founded. She at some point asked me 'do you really want to know'. And I committed to the mistake and agreed. She went right back into the same cycle of hamstering again and never told me. Then she comes out with 'my ex boyfriend found out and couldn't deal with it'. 'He never missed a chance to bring it up again' 'He had only been with one other person and couldn't understand'
Me 'How did he find out'
Her 'I wrote down all of their names in a little book and he found it'
Me 'Is the number that high'
Her 'No.. I don't think so.. I don't know what a normal number is. Yours is probably higher than mine' (she thinks I've been chad my whole life and I never corrected her. Meanwhile I've been with 5 girls total)
She had been making the insinuation that she's not like that anymore, but clearly she is after jumping from her dedicated LTR before me, straight back onto the cock carousel with a stranger. All of this began to hit home. She had been in a series of decent lengthed relationships after her marriage, so the mass of guys accumulated had to have happened over fairly short periods and in succession. The entire thing devolved into an emotionally driven argument by her, jumping all over the place to vent her feelings at me for totally unrelated shit. We never got any further with it, but clearly she has been absolute whore for the last few years.
Anyway, the news came as a surprise to me. She was a Christian youth leader as a teenager, super good girl, married very young and was only with her husband for the majority of her life. This and maybe a few boyfriends after was the picture she had painted. Not a fucking novel of guys names.. some of which she never found out.
- Can't look at her the same
- All the filthy shit we did together now just makes me ill
- Sudden flood of memories of her behaving like a raw sexual, unhinged, amoral sex freak with me
- Realise this is how she has been with countless other guys
- Find out she's been with a number of different ethnicities on top of that
- Makes me feel even worse that she has an interracial fetish and limited standards (ie. just trying black cock because of the stigma of black cock)
- Thinking about all the cocks that have been inside her
- Thinking of all the times she'd dressed up and danced for me, but with masses of other guys
- Remember the plus sized condoms I found amongst her sex shit
- Her face full of lust as she slurped down on yet another strangers shit in the bedroom I sleep with her in
- That same face that slurped down on my cock when I would rail her like a whore
- Remember how she admitted to regularly watching porn - Remember that time she shit tested that her ex boyfriends continue to sext her - All the signs that were there before suddenly becoming clear - Thinking of my girl acting like she's straight out of some depraved porno with every Joe in the neighbourhood
- This is a girl I love
- The very bedroom behaviour that got me hooked is now sickening to me
- Realise I'm going through exactly what the last guy who loved her did
- Realise her crazy sex freak shit has died down with me recently
- I'm in a committed relationship with a dumpster slut who is no longer putting in that same effort with me
It wouldn't be so bad but I thought differently of her. It took a long time but she invested in me and I started to invest in her back. Eventually, significantly. Recently we had been talking about having a child together. So what the fuck do I do? I feel gutted and disgusted but at the exact same time, it twinged some needy part of my brain that doesn't want to leave her. Do I look for that fucking book and find out the true extent of her past? Do I try and detach and return to dominating her like I did before I started to love her?